The Halfwit Halfling: A Bard's Tale, page 2
“First tell me this: what the fuck is Game World?” I asked, shrugging his still present hand off my shoulder. “Some sort of twisted menagerie?”
“It’s a game for everyone, not on the planet. The greater cosmic entities of the Universe got bored of their basic urges and mortals aeons ago. They needed a source of entertainment for the rest of eternity, so the Originator put it together,” Solas explained, shaking his head. “It’s sick, I know. Instead of looking for prey or communicating with their cults, they have their emissaries look for champions on inhabited planets. Then, said champions come my way, I give them a form best suited for surviving Game World and send them through.”
“Hold on, greater cosmic e—”
“Following that, fate is in their hands. Whenever a champion gains victory over another, their patron accumulates points. When they have enough points, the deity ranks up and can get more champions. If their champion dies, they lose points and rank down. Then there is the gambling as well. It’s what makes things ruthless,” they said, ignoring my interruption.
“Why do the champions play along?” For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why the champions didn’t just sit tight and refuse to take part in the barbaric game. “What’s stopping them from going to a pub and drinking themselves to death? Or moving to a mountain top and living their lives in seclusion?”
“Nothing. But for every champion that does so, there are ten fighting for glory,” Solas spoke like they used to be one of them. They didn’t volunteer the information, and more concerned for me than them, I didn’t ask. “The deities bless victors with boons and riches—even powerful relics when they can afford it. Of course, there is the promise of immortality as well. Everlasting life is a real favourite when the champions find out it’s a possibility. I find, in most cases, the promise of wealth and power is enough, but I digress. Let’s get started with race selection. I have a roast in the oven, and my partner gets awful crabby if the meat gets dry.”
Solas waved their hands and circles of darkness opened up on the floor. Different versions of myself rose up through the holes, dressed in a variety of differing garb, all with a guitar much like mine slung over their shoulders. I wasn’t sure whether the aforementioned emissaries brought the creatures populating our fictions from around the cosmos, or Game World’s designers found inspiration in mythologies and popular culture from around the Universe.
A tall, elegant version of myself looked at me down his long, thin nose. The dickhead then give me the finger. Cheeky jackass. The word 『Aelf』appeared above his head.
“That’s rude,” I said, returning the gesture.
“Yeah, Aelves are like that,” Solas said. “Due to their status as the most beautiful humanoids in Game World, they’ve developed a major superiority complex. Overall, Aelves aren’t a bad pick. They’re magically gifted and lead Game World in music and theatre. Being in high demand, they enjoy a fair bit of diplomatic freedom. However, deep down, nobody really likes them due to the air of pretence they give off.”
I realised then that my options weren’t limited to just humanoids. There were four and six-legged beasts, blobs of goo and anthropomorphic trees on display as well. Fascinating as they were, I discounted them immediately. I don’t want anyone to think less of me, but, my first thought was how I’d deal with my carnal instincts. Sure, doggy-style was fun and all, but I certainly didn’t want to try it out as a canine.
The choice was obvious. Or rather, I was impatient and wanted to be done with the process as soon as possible—so I marched forward and poked the aelf. On contact, an electric shock coursed through my ephemeral body, knocking me back several feet.
“Huh. They’re not making it easy for you at all, are they?” Holes appeared under the aelf and several other powerful-looking versions of myself. Instead of sinking into the openings, their faces twisted into panicked expressions before falling into the darkness. “Your race selection is severely limited.”
“Yeah. The bitch wants me to lay low and stay out of trouble.” Only a handful of humanoids remained with different manners of herbivore-looking beasts and plump insectoids in between. “I don’t fancy being a slug or rabbit, can you make anything not close to my form disappear?”
“Certainly,” Solas said. Everything not standing on two legs was the next to go.
A half dozen candidates remained. A lot less than the scores if not hundreds of options I had seen before. “Can I see their stats, qualities, traits or any information that might help me decide?”
“All you need to do is touch them.”
The first in line was the goblin-like creature I had seen on screen. He was short, only coming up to my waist, with green-grey skin. He looked like a starving version of myself with severe skin problems ranging from eczema to warts. His head was shaped like a pineapple laid on its side that tapered on the ends. Its pointed ears didn’t help either. Unlike the aelf’s, the monstrosities jutted out of the sides of its head, pointing in opposite directions like bicycle handle bars. I was hesitant to touch him but wanted a basis of comparison.
『
Capper:
These cave-dwelling critters are the most misunderstood intelligent race of Game World. Sure, they might be small, ugly, and frail, but they are not to be underestimated. Naturally mischievous and tribe oriented, cappers can grow into a real threat if left to their devious and inventive ways unchecked. While their magic is ancient and ritualistic, it is surprisingly effective and can be devastating when paired with capper tinkering.
Very few gods of Game World consider cappers worthy of boons and blessings. However, the Lords of Shadows and the First Tinkerer bless them with growth bonuses in the relevant masteries.
With every achievement, boon, or blessing earned, cappers gain one attribute point for Control and Perception, and one additional statistic point to spend as they please.
』
“Achievements grant stats?” I asked, trying to figure out the system.
“Of course. Why else would anyone give a crap about them?” Solas rebutted. “Just so you know, for more targeted stat growths, you will need to spend time researching the different masteries. Every time you rank one up to a new milestone, you’ll get a few points to distribute between the relevant stats.”
“What about levelling?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You know, grind some monsters, get experience, level up?”
“This might be a game for the Cosmics, but for you its reality. There are no stupid levels or damned respawns like the games on your backwater planets.” Solas laughed. “Be thankful there is a system at all, or poor saps like you would be screwed straight out of the gate.”
I discounted the capper straight away. It was likely I wouldn’t survive long with the Pacifist trait crippling me. Neither did I want to live out the rest of my existence with patchy hair, scaly skin, and the rest of the package.
The hair covered entity next to him went ignored as well. As groomed and pretty as he was, I couldn’t see any skin under the thick curtain of curling locks. There was no way I was going to put up with the grease and body odour that came with such a body.
The next candidate was a short walk away and a much better-looking option.
『
Wood Aelph:
Distant relatives to the Aelves, they’re humble folk. Preferring nature to civilisation, they travel the fields and forests of Game World, repairing damaged ecosystems and driving away disease. Being peaceful, they abhor violence and prefer solving their problems with song and dance. As a direct result, the more powerful races have taken to capturing them to be used as songbirds. Inversely, other races adore their delightful nature and seek to protect them.
Wood aelphs are loved by all deities of nature, song, and dance. They gain a bonus to all healing and plant-based magic, as well as performance-related masteries.
With every achievement, boon or blessing earned, wood aelphs gain one attribute point to Arcane and Charisma, and one additional statistic point to spend as they please.
』
Looking at the grinning shoulder-height doppelganger, I wondered whether he was my best bet. He was as handsome as the elf while his skin had a warm earthy glow. As I circled him, his skin took on a light green hue. It wasn’t a sickly green, but one that reminded me of grass after a fresh rain.
The only thing that concerned me about picking a wood aelph was the chance of ending up as someone’s personal slave-jester. As much as I loved singing and playing the guitar, I didn’t want to do either for table scraps. Still, it was better than the hairball and discount-goblin.
As I moved on, he shot me a cheerful grin and waved goodbye. His friendliness put a smile on my face.
Chapter 3
Armed With a Smile
The next candidate was a long walk away and turned out to be wholly unimpressive. He was the most compact of the options, vertically challenged and all that. He had a head of messy curls, pointed ears similar to the wood aelph’s (but more human), all tied together with giant, hairy feet. However, the facial features weren't necessarily ugly, just out of place and certainly not in proportion to the rest of the body.
『
Jovian:
The inhabitants of Game World either love jovians or like jovians. There is no hating them. They avoid big cities, preferring instead to build their settlements on the fringes: just close enough to enjoy some measure of protection. Jovians possess the knack and passion for growing and nurturing—spending their days with their crops or livestock. They pass their evenings in the local pubs, sharing brews and singing the night away. Inversely, the rare, adventurous jovian will travel the world selling the finest mead, spirits, and tobacco. Can you hate them?
Jovians naturally struggle with combat, tinkering and powerful magic, but nearly all deities seek to protect them. Jovians enjoy a growth bonus to all masteries not related to combat, metalworking and powerful magics.
With every achievement, boon or blessing earned, jovians gain two Charisma attribute points, and one additional statistic point to spend as they please.
』
As ordinary as he looked, I couldn’t help but like the jovian version of myself when he raised his mug at me. He seemed like a solid pick. What concerned me was his limitation with magic. I didn’t know how accessible the Arcane was in Game World, but hoped to counter my weaknesses with defensive magic. In comparison, the wood aelph’s bonus with nature and healing magic made the race a big selling point and seemed like the more balanced option.
The more I thought about it, I realised even the capper would be a better option. As tempting as picking a pub dwelling future was, cappers sounded like they had the means to protect themselves. Maybe I could put my knowledge of mathematics to use and pair it with what I remembered from A-Level Mechanics. Tinkering and sneaking about would be great for survival.
I glossed over the description of sea aelphs. They weren’t too different from their terrestrial-bound cousins, but I dismissed the race without hesitation. If Game World had monsters like the insects that were attacking the villages, there were bound to be sea serpents, megalodon-sized sharks and other leviathans lurking about in the depths. Besides, I wasn’t the strongest swimmer, and after several close calls at the deep end of the pool, I wasn’t too keen on building my new life around unfathomable depths.
The final choice was a short walk away. So, I struck up a conversation with Solas.
“Which of the six do you think would serve me best?” I asked
“As a neutral party, I’m not allowed to give you such information,” they answered.
“My status says I don’t have a patron. That means I’m unaffiliated. Right?”
“I suppose I could tell you what I’d do in your position.” They took a moment to consolidate their thoughts. “I would pick one of the less humanoid races. They work off a more evolution based system as opposed to the Masteries; certain evolutions allow you to transform or even drop traits. Or, if I decided to stick to it, certain beasts can mask their presence or become near indestructible. However, looking at your artifact, I doubt you’d be willing to go for anything of the kind.”
“My artifact?” I searched my pockets, unsure of what he was referring to.
“That primitive stringed box on your back. Have you not noticed how your possible future forms all have different clothes and accessories, but the instrument is a consistent presence?”
It was.
“There are rules in Game World,” Solas said. “Your patron may have severed all ties with you, but the rules of Game World demand no champion enter empty-handed.”
“What about champions that don’t pick a humanoid form?”
Solas didn’t seem to mind my interruption. Instead, he smiled. Perhaps not all champions engaged him in conversation and made queries as I did. Whatever the case, it seemed like Solas was having a good time talking to me. “Sending someone that picks a blob of slime in with a sword would be a cruel joke.”
“Not all scouted individuals come to the Cosmic Horror Gambling Association as a humanoid, and not all Cosmics are stupid,” he told me. “More often than not, they can predict whether their champion will decide to go humanoid, beastial or insectoid. If it’s either of the latter two, instead of an artifact, they’ll receive a boon or be born with a mutation that’ll give them a distinct advantage.”
“Given the nature of the Pacifist trait and that artifact, you’re better off picking a form that has dexterous fingers, and can get the most out of your instrument. Something with high Control and either Arcane or Charisma.”
I stopped and pulled the guitar case off my back. Unzipping the semi-hard case, I retrieved my beloved instrument. If I hadn’t pestered the Devourer of Worlds, she might have stuck me with a physical boon designed for survival instead of the artefact. It may have allowed me a much better chance at survival, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’d worked the maximum number of hours my status as a student would allow and lived off tinned tuna and lettuce for three months to save for the beauty. Nothing would take her from me, save for prying my cold, dead fingers off the fretboard.
All the possible versions of me carried similar but more aged versions of it. A historical interpretation, I suppose. If Game World was my future, I’d be much happier going in with a guitar than I would with the ability to breathe fire or whatever else the Cosmics granted their bestial champions.
『
Unnamed Elder Wood Guitar
As with any artefact, this guitar may not be lost and may be teleported to its owner once a day. Made from the fallen branch of the lost Tree of Life, it will repair itself from all damage over time.
When played, it draws Mana from the atmosphere to replenish its owner’s Core.
It encourages weaving Mana into the music created when playing it.
Charisma + 1
Arcana + 2
』
On closer inspection, my guitar was more or less the same except for the crystal sphere socketed into the wood behind where the body met the neck. It was bright and empty. This changed things.
Maybe the Devourer of Worlds hadn’t sentenced me to death after all. She had been fair. The guitar gave me a fighting chance. Okay. Perhaps not a fighting chance, but it made survival a possibility. Though, I didn’t know what to expect of Game World, so my mind was racing with possibilities.
“Solas, can you explain what defeating a champion entails?” I asked. “I wouldn’t have to kill anyone would I?”
“No. The rules are more complicated than that. Killing is by far the most straight-forward method, but defeat can come in many forms. Destroying an individual financially or politically for instance. Besting an opposing champion, at the fundamental level, simply requires you to inflict a loss of some sort that they can never recover from. The method is irrelevant in that regard, only the results matter.”
“In that case, what happens to a defeated champion?”
“They lose their link to their patron,” Solas answered. “Cosmics can only commune with their champions and observe the world from their perspective. The rules don’t permit the Cosmics from contacting them in any other way.”
Due to the Pacifist trait, I would never be as powerful as the Mage I’d seen on the big screen. Assuming the statistics did what they did in the games I’d grown up playing, Charisma was the key. With Arcana, sure I’d find some modicum of power and potential for survival, but due to my limitations, I’d always be the support figure. Maybe with Charisma, I could strike back at the Devourer of Worlds and the entities running this barbaric game. I wouldn’t take down their Champions with brute force. Instead, I’d find my own way to pull ahead.
I no longer cared what the last option was. With my mind made up, I marched back towards the jovian and made my decision. He offered me his hand, and I shook it.
Then we were one.
“Interesting choice,” Solas said. “Now to assign you an identity.” They snapped their fingers. “Done!”
I tried summoning my status screen, but it didn’t work.
“Your interface is resetting. You won’t be able to view it until you’re in Game World.” Solas waved at the remaining race models, they waved back and sank into the floor. It was just us in the endless expanse of white. “All that’s left to do is pick a starting location. Oh, wait,” Solas changed their tune, staring at the air in front of them, probably studying a screen of their own. “You don’t have a choice there. It’s not a bad place to start.”
