The Halfwit Halfling: A Bard's Tale, page 1
The Halfwit Halfling
Jay Pal
MoonQuill
Copyright © 2020 MoonQuill
All rights reserved
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
Chapter 1
The Price of Scritches
“I got cheesy chips with gravy!” I yelled, entering the apartment.
The smell of chicken gravy melting cheddar had me salivating. Now, authentic poutine will outshine the cheap takeout in my arms any day. The factory-made, processed cheddar had flour mixed in to prevent sticking and couldn’t hold a candle to cheese curds. The former melts part way when exposed to heat and maintains its texture while the latter turns into chalky lava with a penchant for stringy messiness.
When sober, I’d never indulge in the cheap gravy they used. Machine-made granules brought shame to real gravy: plenty of onions, beef bones and red wine. It’s easy to make and inexpensive, but I wouldn’t expect kebab shops to waste their time or workforce on it. If the head chef at my part-time job saw me indulging in the drunken university student delicacy, judgement would be passed.
“Why aren’t you at work?” my flatmate asked, cracking his door open. “Ahmed will be pissed if you’re late on rent again.”
“That happened once, a year ago!” I rolled my eyes. “Do you want cheesy chips or not?”
“Seriously, why aren’t you at work?” he asked again, shakily. I knew something was wrong then; Louis rarely spoke to me in such a tone.
“The restaurant cancelled my shift,” I told him. “I’ve been taking on too many hours, and the other cooks complained. So, I went down to the pub for open mic night. Six pints later and here I am.”
“Wouldn’t have hurt to let me know.” Louis’s guilty eyes glanced at the door behind me.
Damn it. Turning on my heel, I marched into the kitchen, and as expected, an utter disaster presented itself before me.
“You promised you’d sort it out this morning! This is your mess, Louis. You can’t expect me to clean up behind you constantly.”
“I was going to do it before you got home,” he said in protest.
“Bullshit!” I placed the cheesy chips with gravy on the counter. “I heard you talking to your mum this morning. She’s picking you up at eight, taking you home for the weekend. I know your tricks, mate. You were going to leave me here playing maid again!”
“I wasn’t—”
“Don’t give me that crap,” I said, staring at the towering stack of plates and grease stained countertop loaded with rubbish, knowing full well he’d never get it done in half an hour. “Let’s just do it together. That way I can make sure you don’t hide dirty pans on the top shelves again.”
That’s right. Standing half a foot taller than me, he’d tried that on more than one occasion. Sneaky dickhead.
“Fine.” His shoulders slumped in defeat. I knew it wouldn’t be the last time he did it.
Working in a kitchen, I preferred keeping things hygienic and orderly. For the past three days, I’d attended early morning classes while working graveyard shifts. So, it had just been Louis eating and making a mess of our apartment. We’d been great friends during our first year of university, so, when moving out of the uni halls, we’d decided to get an apartment together. Unfortunately, things fell apart during our time living under the same roof.
“You get started on the dishes, and I’ll take the bin out,” I told him, “then we’ll eat the chips and finish up.”
Louis looked at me, eyebrows raised. “You mean you’re still willing to share?”
“Of course. You might be an asshole, but we’re still friends.”
“How was the open-mic?” he asked, his face breaking into a wide smile.
“Shit,” I answered. “People kept requesting Wonderwall. I only managed to get one song in.”
“Fuck, Wonderwall.”
“Fuck Wonderwall, indeed.”
Chuckling to himself, he got to work scrubbing away at the plates. I knew Louis wasn’t a bad guy. Just as lazy as they came. If I didn’t push him to go food shopping with me once a week, he’d starve himself. Something was seriously wrong with the guy.
After wrestling the black plastic bag out of the bin, I spotted the leak dripping on the floor. The smart thing to do would’ve been to put it down and double bag it, but I panicked upon seeing the foul juices drip onto my new shoes. With my guitar on my back, I sprinted out of the ground floor apartment. On entering the alley behind the building, I punted the bag into the massive, brown dumpster.
Good. Finally, I could indulge in my favourite drunken craving. Breathing in the cold evening air, I turned back towards the door, when a little hiss made me jump. I had almost stepped on a small, orange cat.
“Where did you come from?” I asked, expecting it to run away now that it had survived my blue Converse, but the feline stood its ground. The little pussycat had mostly orange fur with white bits around its paws. It stared straight into my eyes as if issuing a challenge. “What do you want? Scritches?”
I kneeled down and offered it my hand. Watching it sniff my fingers brought back memories of Samantha. She and I had not long broken up. Strange how I missed her cats more than the person. Thinking of her only brought back images of her straddling her best guy friend at our Christmas party and a little bit of rage, but I still loved her kitties.
A smile spread across my lips when the little feline stepped into my reach. I knew what that meant. She’d permitted me to provide worship through pets and scritches. After several reprimanding smacks and bites, I had learnt where to stroke and where not to: the hallowed sweet spots. So, I started at the middle of her back. Good. The cat leaned into my strokes. I was doing it! Three months since I last saw Samantha and I finally got the chance to touch a cat.
Sure, the cheesy chips and gravy were getting cold, but I wanted some more of this feline love; needed it. Would Louis mind if I took her inside? She didn’t have a collar and I worried she might freeze in case it snowed. Yes. That excuse would work. Liverpool did get snow in March. Occasionally.
“I’m going to call you Boots,” I said, moving on to scritch her between the ears. The cat closed its eyes and purred. Man, I missed that sound. When I picked her up, she didn’t panic.
Feeling pleased with myself, I walked up the stairs to the back door and let myself in. Huh? The lights had gone out.
“Louis! Is it the fuse again?” I asked.
No response. Instead, I heard a thunderous cheering all around me.
“Louis?”
『Welcome, Earthling!』
I almost jumped out of my skin when a blue screen popped up in front of my eyes.
『Miss Purrfect, Herald to the Devourer of Worlds, has picked you as the next champion for the Games』
“What the hell is this?” I asked out loud. “Did I slip and hit my head?”
『No. You’re in the Cosmic Horror Gambling Association, the leading venue for viewing and betting in Game World! You should be proud! Please wait for your future patron deity, The Devourer of Worlds, to grace you with her presence』
“This isn’t real.” Carrying Boots in my left hand, I pressed the right to my chest. Why wasn’t my heart racing? More importantly, why couldn’t I feel my heart beating. “Is this some kind of joke? Louis what’s going on? Are you hotboxing again? You know I can’t handle the shit you smoke—”
I froze when a me-high pillar of golden light blinked into existence. Trying to shield my eyes, I almost dropped Boots. Meowing angrily she dug her claws into my arm and moved onto my shoulder. That should have hurt more. I felt her do it, but it didn’t hurt. I wasn’t a religious man, but I’m sure no faith mentioned an afterlife like this one.
“This is a dream, right?” I asked. “That’s why it doesn’t hurt.”
“Miss Purrfect, not again!” the light exclaimed in a shrill female voice, snapping me to attention. “You’re such an asshole! Why do you keep doing this to me? I just managed to convince the other dickheads to let the last guy in, and you bring another.”
Surprised, I looked at it directly and realised it wasn’t a pillar. A woman made of blinding white light stood before me. Samantha would never hold a candle to her literally or figuratively. The phrase blindingly beautiful must have been coined for her.
Boots—Miss Purrfect meowed defiantly, leaping off my shoulders. She looked between the woman who blazed like starmatter and me. Hold on a second. Cosmic Horrors? Were we in outer space? Come to think of it, I didn’t smell anything anymore. Now that I thought about it, I wasn’t breathing either.
“Don’t take that tone with me! What am I supposed to do with him?” A game-like tag appeared above the woman’s head.
『The Devourer of Worlds』
“Do you know how much I’ll lose if they find out I’ve got another pawn?”
“Look. I don’t want to be any trouble.” Feeling sober, I retook control of my body and stepped forward. “If you can just pop me back in my world, I’ll go to bed and forget all of this happened. I had too much to drink; this is probably a dream anyway. Right?”
The Devourer of Worlds didn’t say anyt
They were watching a pair of armoured beast-like men fighting what looked like a goblin from the many games taking inspiration from Tolkien’s creations. There were banners all over the place with symbols and scripts I didn’t recognise. It looked like an international e-sports tournament where no one was playing. More curious than their strange forms were the plethora of blue boxes. There were so many, I could barely identify the details on any of them.
“I don’t even want to know what’s going on here. Just send me home. I’ll leave all cats alone for the rest of my life. I promise.”
Boots looked between the two of us and meowed once again. She trotted over to me and rubbed up against my leg.
“I understand you like him, Miss Purrfect, but you’re on holiday! Why couldn’t you just spend a few decades hanging out with him until you got bored or he died?” The Devourer of Worlds let out an exasperated sigh. She went from a godlike entity to very human in seconds. She couldn’t stay mad at her cat the same way I always forgave Samantha’s little critters for knocking my lemonade can off the coffee table. “You know what’s going to happen now, right? I can’t keep him here, or they’ll kick me out of the game.”
Boots meowed again.
“What do you mean so what?” The Devourer of Worlds hissed. “I’ve put everything I have into Game World. If they kick me out, you’ll have to go back to being my herald again. Which means, you can kiss your kitten form goodbye. Do you want to go back to how things used to be?”
The meows were getting angry now.
“Look. Enough is enough.” I stormed up to the woman. “You’re going to tell me what the fuck is going on. Now!” I saw my reflection in her hair. Illuminated in her body’s light, I was glad to see that I still looked like myself and not the monstrosities behind her. “I was just about to enjoy some cheesy chips with gravy. The potato might be soggy, but it’s probably still warm. Send me back now!”
Boots hissed. Both the Devourer of Worlds and I recoiled, taking a step back.
“Fine,” she said, finally acknowledging me. “Listen here, I’m putting a lot on the line for you. Alright? Just stay out of the Game.”
“What Game are you talking about?” I asked as she clicked her fingers. Another blue screen popped into existence in front of me.
『
Pacifist: Combat spells and masteries growth rate reduced by 50%. Non-combat spell growth increased by 50%. Non-combat masteries growth increased by 75%
』
『
All hostile creatures are less likely to attack you unless they’re starving or you slight them
』
『
Inflicting harm to any person or animal in combat will reduce all your stats by 50%. Debuff needs to be slept off
』
“Look, I’m sorry okay,” she said. “The only other option is erasing you from existence. Just don’t get in the way of other Champions and live your life.”
I looked back at the massive screen. It displayed a burning village. A mage floating above it rained fireballs on giant insectoid monstrosities, while a militia struggled to push them back.
“You’re sending me in there like this?” I asked. My heart should’ve been beating out of my chest right now. Did I no longer have a body? Why the hell did I have to pick up that damn cat? “Please, I just petted your cat. I wasn’t going to keep her. I promise. I don’t know whether this is real or not. You can’t send me in there unable to defend myself. That would be murder!”
She’d gone back to ignoring me.
『Race selection limited』
『Starting location set』
“Look, can’t we talk about this. If you’re sending me in there, give me something to protect myself. Please. Or at least, let me go get my dinner.”
I felt the weight of my guitar case on my shoulders before blinding white consumed my vision.
Chapter 2
Race Selection
My voice didn’t echo in the endless white void and I didn’t cast a shadow either. Then again, I probably didn’t have a body. Someone must have shoved me into a half-rendered simulation. I half expected to wake up in bed with cold chips next to me.
I heard a click behind me. When I turned around, I saw a wooden door floating in the white expanse. Was I waiting for someone to come through? Or did they expect me to go through it? I couldn’t tell. There was no way to track time in wherever-I-was, and my phone was no longer in my pocket. After waiting for what felt like forever, I marched up to the door and pulled it open.
“Excuse me?!” The man on the other side jumped. He was wearing a frilly shirt and a jacket out of the early eighteen hundreds, but no trousers. “I’m getting dressed here! Did they not teach you to knock in your backwards little world?”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, feeling sheepish.
“Get out! I’ll be with you in a moment.” I backed away, struggling to look anywhere but at him. “Close the door!”
I did as instructed. Thinking back, it was wrong of me to assume he was a man. He had nothing between his legs, only smooth skin like a barbie doll. I had undressed and painted enough of my sister’s toys to know. I wasn’t being mean: she preferred her dolls have alien origins than be from boring old Malibu. She’d love it here. To be sure, I took a peak in my jeans.
Good.
Nothing was missing.
My patience was running thin. So, I was on the verge of checking on my guitar when the door finally opened. The androgynous individual came through perfectly groomed and hair slicked back. They would’ve looked no different from a human if not for their moonlight-silver hair and pointed ears. More importantly, there was no text box above their head. Did they not have one? Or had I lost the ability to see them?
“I wasn’t expecting a new champion for quite some time,” they said. It was more a complaint than an apology for keeping me waiting. “Normally, they give me enough notice to dress and prepare choice models.” Getting a proper look at me, they froze. The person's shoulders drooped, and sympathy replaced the obviously annoyed expression on his face. “Ah. I see what happened. You’re an anomaly. Which one of them is it this time?”
“What do you mean? There are others like me?”
“Once in a while, the Big-Cs will get overzealous and think they’re about to rank up; thus preemptively finding a champion. Sometimes one of their emissaries will mess up and nab someone without checking first. Then, guess who has to clean up while the guilty parties try to hide it from one another?” They shook their head as they walked up and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Let’s have a look at what they stuck you with.”
A screen much like what the cosmic horrors were watching popped up an arm’s length from my face.
『
Identification:
First Name:
Family Name:
Race: Unassigned
Patron: —
Condition: Error Mana Core: Error
Stats:
Brawn: 0
Control: 0
Mind: 2
Arcana: 0
Charisma: 3
Perception: 1
Traits:
Pacifist
』
“Pacifist?!” the individual exclaimed while rolling their eyes. “That’s a death sentence. You poor thing. Whoever did this to you must have really messed up.”
“I know, right? She wanted to wipe me from existence instead. I swear the D—”
“Don’t tell me who it was. I know I asked before, but it’s best for the both of us if you keep their name to yourself. I’m Solas Frectin the Sixth: your transition agent. I’m here to help you prepare for Game World.”
