The Halfwit Halfling: A Bard's Tale, page 18
“I’m as impressed as you. The defensive encirclement they formed was as good as a military formation.”
“How did you get Curry to take down a wolf? He’s just a kid! None of his brothers left the circle.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I told him. Curry stuck close to Don’s side as we made our journey back. “For a moment, I was sure Don and I were done for. Bloody hell, I didn’t even see it happen, mate. Just heard a loud crunch and I knew something had taken the bastard down.”
“Da will be impressed. We never get away from an attack this clean. The reason we keep six bucks is that there is always the danger of losing one to an attack. Sometimes, if they suffer a grave injury, we have no option besides putting them down. It’s cheaper to lose an animal or two than to hire proper protection.”
“So, what’s going to happen now? To the wolves, I mean.”
“They never venture far from the woods,” Samuel explained. “The pack will test a couple other dairy farmers in the area; they mostly keep sheep and cows. While their herds are easier to manage than ours, they aren’t as threatening as our goats. The wolves might pick off enough for a meal, and then they’ll return to their home turf. They’ve been trying to expand their territory for years, but we farmers keep each other informed. As long as we’re around, it’s never going to happen.”
I didn’t stop playing until the goats crossed the threshold into Walter’s land, and Samuel closed the gate behind us. Some of the flock headed straight into the barn, but most remained in the field. My entire body ached from the day’s excitement. Hopping off Don, I had a good stretch, taking pleasure in the sound of my joints popping.
Then, Curry rammed me from behind knocking me down. Frustrated, I jumped to my feet and looked the kid in the eye. “I’ve had it with you,” I yelled in its face. Samuel looked at me, amused as he took the saddle off my boar mount. “Fine, you saved me, but why in the world do you keep headbutting me?!”
Curry looked at me quizzically, clearly not understanding the reason for my anger. His horns had grown since I first saw him. They were little more than stubs now, but still not the majestic black horns the mature bucks displayed. Once those grew in, his charges would hurt. I hoped to be gone by then. I’d be happy never seeing the beast ever again.
I recognised the look in Curry’s eyes as he hopped backwards. The kid planned on headbutting me again. Screw it. If he wanted someone to butt heads with that bad, I decided to give him what he wanted. Maybe then he’d leave me alone. Angling my head down, I bashed my skull against his just as he hopped forward to boop me. I regretted my decision immediately.
『
You have violated the Pacifist Trait’s commandment.
All stats have been halved until you get a full night of undisturbed sleep.
』
The world had gone blurry. My jelly knees gave way under me, and my head bounced off packed earth. I caught a glimpse of Curry and Samuel looking down at me through the floating blue screen before everything turned black.
Chapter 27
I Ain’t Afraid of No Goat
The sun’s rays woke me up. How long had I been out? We were still hours from sunset when we got back to the farm. Samuel must have carried me to bed. I peeked out the window. It was midday, the barn doors were open and the goats weren’t in sight. I had slept through the evening, night and morning.
I touched my forehead—no bump, bruise, or pain. Of course. Game World likely had magic or potions to fix welts and concussions, but considering how long it had taken me to recover, I guessed the injury must have been a major one. Unlike Curry, my skull wasn’t exactly made for bashing.
Several notifications blinked in my peripheral vision, demanding my attention. Right, I recalled brushing them away during the wolf attack.
『
Look at you taking risks!
Big things do come in little packages, after all. Riding Mastery has progressed to Novice: Rank 7
』
I didn’t have a metric for comparison, and my race description didn’t specify a number for the bonus growth rates, but I thought it safe to assume they increased at least twice as fast than the standard. I still needed three more ranks until I got any bonus stats from it, so I swiped left.
『
Curry, the young Nil Mountain Goat, has forever spent his life rejected by his peers. By giving him the acknowledgement he so desperately wanted, you have tamed him.
Congratulations!
As the first resident of Game World to tame a Nil Mountain Goat, you’ve attracted divine attention. Demi, Deity of Harvest and Floods sends you and your new companion gifts.
Beast Taming Mastery unlocked!
Beast Taming Mastery has progressed to Apprentice: Rank 5
Brawn + 1
Mind + 1
Charisma + 1
Achievement Unlocked!
Hard Headed
Charisma + 2
You have one unassigned stat point.
Curry gains bonus Trait: Natural Beast of Burden.
』
A bleat made me jump. Looking past the screen, I saw Curry watching me through the window. He probably refused to follow Samuel out to the pasture. I read through the notifications again—damn stupid reason for awarding someone an achievement. Bloody hell, I could have died! I needed to get my impulses under control. Surely, there had to be a better way to progress in this world.
I wondered whether I would have earned these bonuses if not for Maka’s introduction to the stern woman. Closing my eyes, I could almost picture her calling me Hard Headed. Still, though unadvisable, the act had provided me with significant growth. After adding the extra point to Charisma, I checked my character sheet.
『
Identification:
First Name: Peregrin
Last Name: Kanook
Race: Jovian
Patron:—
Condition: Healthy Mana Core: Full
Stats:
Brawn: 2
Control: 8
Mind: 4
Arcana: 1
Charisma: 19
Perception: 8
Traits:
Pacifist
Facts Begin With Fiction
Arcane Chords
』
Underwhelming. My flexed bicep didn’t look any bigger. I didn’t feel any stronger or cognitively superior than I did before. So, the stat growth wasn’t cumulative. If only the system were like the RPGs, I grew up playing. My new world probably didn’t have any formulas to help me figure out numbers like damage, health or armour.
Then again, could any reality really work off such values?
Oh no! Somebody stabbed me, my health went down by five points!
I’m level hundred! Your arrow to the knee can’t penetrate my still human skin!
I slashed you with my dagger of dumbfuckery! Now you’ve suffered sixty-nine points of damage.
The lack of levels made me happy. They didn’t make any sense in a real-world scenario. Come to think of it, damage and health would mean nothing to me either way. Given the road I planned on walking, attacking anyone would result in my death. Letting anyone hit me would probably end similarly.
I owed Maka my thanks. If not for her, Demi probably wouldn’t be watching me.
Curry bleated once again. He wanted my attention. After changing into a fresh set of clothes, I pulled on Gram’s cloak and exited the farmhouse. Curry came prancing over. Instead of headbutting me, the kid pressed his forehead against mine gently. When I reached out to pet him, he didn’t pull away.
“Joe?” I yelled, stroking Curry’s snout.
No answer. The farmhand must have accompanied Samuel. Probably for the best. If the wolves were still in the area, going back alone wouldn’t end well. Besides, no way in hell was I going to fight for my life two days in a row. I’d rather shovel shit than deal with that stress.
Curry rubbed his head against my outstretched hand, so I stroked him some more. Then, I felt something brushing against my leg. Looking down, I saw Boots. Was she watching over me? Or, was she only paying attention because I was sharing my affection with another animal? I could’ve used her help the day before or when Gor hatched a plan to use me as worm feed.
Looking up, she meowed at me. I picked her up to give the feline cosmic messenger the attention she wanted only for Curry to nudge me with his head and bleat loudly in my ear. Okay. If Beast Taming involved entertaining several needy beings, it wasn’t going to be as fun as I thought.
I wondered whether the Devourer of Worlds knew her former herald was visiting me. If she did, how did she feel about it? I wanted her to notice me, but not anytime soon. First, I needed to make something out of myself.
Reaching up with a paw, Boots swatted my face.
“What is it?” I asked her.
My Mastery menu popped up in front of my eyes. Boots meowed again, and the Beast Taming Mastery highlighted itself. The cat looked between me and the screen. How powerful an entity was she? Could all higher beings manipulate my user interface? If I weren’t so used to cats, I’d think of it as a major invasion of my privacy. However, curiosity got the better of me, and I wanted to know what Boots was getting at.
I selected the Mastery, and a pets menu showed up. It only had one tab, labelled Curry.
『
Name: Curry
Race: Nil Mountain Goat (Youngling)
Age: 11 months
Major Focus: Brawn
Minor Focus: Arcana
Description:
Due to several millennia of living in the Null Mountain Region, they’re a hardier species than most. Nil Mountain Goats have three interests in life: food, caring for their flock, and fighting. They grow up locking horns with one another until a single male earns the role of alpha which he will furiously protect to the death.
Traits:
Natural Beast of Burden
』
Minor focus Arcana? Curry could develop magical abilities! I take it back. Beast Taming would pair brilliantly with Charisma as long as I found more weird-ass beasts like him. I found the Traits category interesting as well. Unfortunately, a Familiar voice interrupted me before I could investigate.
“We need to talk, Master Kanooks,” Walter called, walking towards with a sterner than usual look on his face. When he called me by my last name instead of Perry, I knew something wasn’t right straight away.
“Good morning, Walter.” I waved at him, feeling like a schoolboy summoned to the principal’s office. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to my chores this morning. I’ll start on whatever is left right now.”
“You took a blow to the head. Give the healing brew time to do its job. You’re not working today. In fact, I’m not sure whether you’ll be working for us at all.”
“What? I’m sorry, I don’t know what Samuel told you, but I did the best I could yesterday.” My heart dropped. Besides the wolf attack, I had started enjoying my work. Sure, I knew the gig had an expiration date, but I didn’t think it would come so soon.
“It’s not that, Samuel doesn’t even know about this.” When Walter let out a heavy sigh, I knew it was a done deal. He had already made up his mind. “I’m guessing you’re not familiar with running an operation of this kind. The system provides a special interface to help with management, stock taking and general logistics. It shows you tamed one of my livestock. Not only is that a major breach of my trust, but you’ve also done what generations of my family have been unable to do. You have no idea how frustrating that is.”
“Walter, I didn’t mean to. I promise. I told you, I didn’t even have the Beast Taming Mastery until now.” Curry bleated loudly at Walter, making me jump. It was then I realised, Boots had disappeared out of my hands without me noticing. “He kept headbutting me, I got pissed off and did it back to him. That’s all I did. Then, I wake up this morning, and the system tells me I’ve tamed him.”
Walter stared at me long and hard, probably thinking I was lying. Walking over to Curry, he pulled a hand-sized metal rod out of his pocket. My heart leapt into my chest, thinking he intended to slaughter the kid in front of me. Not long ago, I hated the beast and wanted it dead. I don’t know whether it was the taming or because he let me pet him, but all of a sudden, I felt an emotional connection to Curry.
“Please don’t kill him,” I begged. “I don’t know how, but there has to be a way to transfer the companionship to you. I’m sure people sell tamed animals all the time. I know Curry is small but look at his hooves. I don’t know if its the same for goats but my father used to say, ‘bigger the paws, bigger the dog,’ I’m sure he’ll grow into a mighty buck.”
“I’m not going to kill him, boy.” Walter burst out laughing. He pressed the cylinder to Curry’s neck and a thin ring of metal popped open. I hadn’t seen it under the thick goat hair. “He was no good to me before, he’s no use to me now. I’m docking your week’s pay, and you’re free to do whatever you want with the kid.”
“So, I still have a job?” I asked, my face lighting up.
“Heavens, no! I don’t want you taming anymore of my livestock on accident or on purpose. You’re out. Eldar’s Port is a day and a half away, and I saw the strange trait Curry unlocked. You can ride him there.” He said, pocketing the collar. Walter tried petting Curry, but he hopped away from his former owner. “You don’t have to tell me the truth about how you did it either. I don’t want my son or Joe risking their lives headbutting these giant assholes. What were you even thinking, doing that? You’re a jovian. You could have died!”
I didn’t bother trying to change Walter’s mind. He’d already made his decision. At least, I was now close to my destination and no longer alone. I thought it rather fitting that my first friend in the strange new world was a goat. Life couldn’t just be easy and give me a cat, dog, or even a mouse. It had to be a behemoth goat that used its head to solve life’s problems. Literally.
Epilogue
Little Capper, Big Capper
The rain came as a relief to Sloane and Hruk. Over a week had passed since they descended the mountains and escaped Blacknail’s Table, but they still couldn’t dodge the warg riders. Hruk wasn’t surprised. His father and brother—may the spirits embrace them—used to raise wargs for a living. He knew how adept at tracking their keen noses made them. Now, hopefully, the rain would wash away any tracks Sloane and he left behind.
If the stupid human had caved in Swamp Brorc shit as he had, they would’ve lost the wargs long ago. Every child in Blacknail’s Table and the Bracken Swamps knew few smells could repel a warg, and the porcine beasts’ odour was one of them. Sloane had refused to do it. The scrimshaw said if he died, he wanted to do so with dignity. Stupid human.
Hruk wasn’t just any capper. He’d been born the smallest of his generation. Despite his father’s attempts at cleansing the bloodline, Hruk had reached adulthood just fine. Sure. He wouldn’t have made it there if not for his willingness to do whatever it took to survive; but he didn’t expect Sloane to understand. Hruk just hoped the human’s stubbornness wouldn’t get him killed.
“We need to go west,” Sloane said. “If the swamps start flooding, we’ll be in a whole lot of trouble.”
“But that’ll take us further away from Eldar’s Port!” Hruk protested. “We need to wait a while longer—”
“They’re not coming, Hruk. The sooner you get that, the better.” Sloane had been repeating the same thing for several days now. Hruk didn’t want to believe him at first, but now he wasn’t so sure any more. “Perry either got captured, or the wargs chased them in another direction. We can head south, but I can’t guarantee your survival. It’s not as bad to the west.” Sloane tapped his bone staff. “I can protect you there.”
“Then what? The plan was we stick together!” Hruk had hoped Perry would help him find his kink, perhaps someone that had a fetish for small, skinny cappers with smooth, baby-like skin. Capper women liked it rough, and he was far from it—figuratively and literally. “Perry and I planned to travel together.”
“Well, Hruk, plans change.” Sloane sighed. Hruk knew the human had no obligations towards him. If he wanted, Sloane could abandon the skinny capper and go his own way. “Tell you what. Once we get to a decent town, I’ll help you get some work. Once you’ve earned some money, you can take a riverboat to Eldar’s Port. How’s that sound?”
“Acceptable,” Hruk said after some thought. He’d rendezvous with Perry eventually. The jovian would teach him all about kinks and fetishes, and then life would be good. Hruk had put a lot of thought into what kind of woman he hoped had a kink for him. He wanted someone tall; not capper tall, but wood aelph tall. Big breasts were compulsory. On second thought, big breasts would do; he wasn’t too picky. They didn’t even have to be the same size. He belonged to the school of thought that all breasts were beautiful. He had always dreamed of having a heavy breast rest on his face, and you’d need something decent-sized for that.
