You Wouldn't Dare (Khaos Trilogy Book 1), page 19
I wouldn’t even be able to blame him. Two high-ranking wolves from the same pack on his territory would demand retribution. It was the way of the wolves.
As much as I wanted to hate Khaos, to never speak to him again, I couldn’t help the way I missed him. In such a brief space of time, he had come to mean so much to me. I was used to turning to him when I thought of something funny, sharing my meals with him, my bed, my heart.
It wasn’t the same.
My wolf was distraught, refusing to speak to me. She thought Khaos had been justified. She had never agreed with what I did the day Khaos and I met, the way I had tried to use Logan. She had warned me at the time that he wasn’t my mate, and she made it more than clear I deserved Khaos’ treatment of me.
I had to hope that she would come around soon.
I didn’t leave the room on the first day. I cried, slept, cried some more, and spent a lot of time just staring into space. I wanted to find Jasmine and see if she could ever forgive me, to explain my side of the story, but I knew that was hopeless. Khaos had said that she was angry on my behalf, but that was just because of the way he had tried to humiliate me. I saw the look in her eyes. She believed in what Khaos had told her, she just didn’t agree with the punishment.
As day turned to night, I contemplated running away. I wanted to find my old pack and have them smother me with kind words and pity, safe in a little cocoon of adoration. It made sense as it crossed my mind; I needed to contact my parents anyway. Yet the scared little voice in my head reminded me I would have to explain Logan’s absence, have to face up to his parents considering they were the Betas of the pack. Being the chicken I am, I quickly put that idea to bed and decided I would find a way to mind-link my parents. I couldn’t be that far away, surely?
Day one was by far the worst day, but I had hopes. Tomorrow was a new day. It had to get better. I couldn’t hurt like this forever.
Day Two
Day two wasn’t much better. I skipped breakfast again, my stomach turning at the thought of eating. My last meal had been the deer that Khaos and I had shared, and that thought alone sent me spiralling back down into depression.
I didn’t change out of the dressing gown that still lingered with his scent. I didn’t brush my teeth or attempt to wash. I wanted to call him and hear his voice but realised I didn’t have his number. I could easily find it, but that meant going to his office and I couldn’t handle that right now. It was probably for the best. He needed time to process this too. Besides, everything was still too raw. It would be easy for us to fall back into the same routine, making promises neither of us were capable of keeping just to make the pain go away.
I still thought about him though, much more than I cared to admit. What was he doing right now? Had he tried to contact me? Was he even thinking about me?
How was I supposed to know if he had rung home, if I refused to let anyone in? I had almost left the second that thought entered my mind. I had been ready to rip open the door and find the first wolf and demand to know if I had any messages.
Yet, just as my hand reached for the handle, I remembered nobody would talk to me anyway.
I wasn’t their Luna anymore.
In fact, I never had been.
They wouldn’t listen to my commands and I didn’t actually know any wolf here well enough to be sure that they wouldn’t harm me without Khaos here to protect me.
I dropped my hand and went back to my seat, staring out of the window into the forest that held so many happy memories that it haunted my every waking hour.
Day two passed by much the same. A knock at my door signalled the meals being brought to me, and the mutters of disapproval a while later signalled them being taken away. Using this, I could time my day, keeping a loose hold on the passing hours as I lost myself more and more.
Day two really hadn’t been much better after all.
Day Three
Day three was a turning point. The day mostly dragged by, the same knocks at the door, the same tuts and mutters of disapproval. Everything stayed the same. I calculated the hours, moving the chair around the room to remain in the sun, until eventually it came to the time when the sun had me sat in the last place I wanted to be – the place where my memories came to life.
I stared out of the window, remembering my hunt with Khaos and the subsequent chase. The time when we had given ourselves to each other. I would never forget the lightning bolt that had hit me, realising my wolf had bonded with Khaos. I remembered Logan and his sweet, gentle love. He had always tried to do his best by me, my happiness being his highest priority, and yet when it was time for me to step up, I had let him down. I was my own worst enemy on this day, blaming myself for things I had no part in. It wasn’t my fault that Khaos had murdered him, but that didn’t stop me from believing that his blood was on my hands.
Jasmine and Erin, the raven-haired beauty, stopped by. They pleaded for my forgiveness, that Khaos explained everything. They apologised for not stopping by sooner; they were too consumed with their guilt and they had wanted to give me time to grieve. I didn’t respond to them. If I was being honest, their words barely registered with me. I was too involved in the movie playing in my mind, showing the events of my life that had led to me ending up in this situation.
Together they took charge, caring for me, spoon-feeding me soup, and gently coaxing me into the shower. Jasmine helped me wash, massaging my hair for me whilst Erin fixed up the bedroom. They laid out fresh clothes and tucked me into bed like a child, and I made my false promises to come down to breakfast in the morning.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I had said. I had no intention of keeping that promise. I knew it and they knew it. But at least I was talking, even if my voice did sound strained and scratchy.
As soon as they left, I broke down, sobbing because everything was new and fresh, and nothing belonged to Khaos. Nothing held his scent anymore. They had taken away the last remaining piece of him. It would be washed and returned to me, smelling clean, smelling different.
I cried harder, realising how pathetic I was. Where was the strong, opinionated Violet that took no shit from anyone?
Was she gone forever?
Maybe day three wasn’t such a turning point after all.
Day Four
Day four was the day I decided enough was enough. I vowed not to let Khaos destroy me completely. I went to breakfast with the pack, hesitant at first, but they all turned bright, happy faces my way. A few younger ones still called me Luna, but I ignored the sharp stab of pain their words delivered. It wasn’t their fault. They had just been getting used to the idea of having both an Alpha and a Luna, and now their Alpha was gone, and their Luna wasn’t really their Luna at all. Yet more to add to the list of people I had failed.
After my slight setback at breakfast, I walked around the gardens, finding a beautiful fenced off area. Upon further inspection, I found the temple and realised I was in the worship grounds of the Moon Goddess.
I knelt at her statue and I prayed and prayed to her as I unloaded all my worries and fears onto her. A gentle breeze brushed against my cheek, assuring me that everything would work out okay in the end. Even in your darkest hour, there was always light at dawn.
I realised that this was the place where Khaos’ journey had begun.
He had also been found in a place of worship when Ryssa had been at her lowest. For some messed up reason, this brought me comfort. It made me connect with him. Hell, it reminded me of him almost as much as the forest did, and for that reason I decided that I would come here every day and whisper my journey to the Moon Goddess. She was watching us as surely as she had watched Khaos all those years ago. She would not interfere with free will, but she only wanted what was best for her wolves. She provided us with everything we needed to be happy. It was only by our own actions that we were miserable.
In short, I placed my trust in the Moon Goddess, my faith bringing me pangs of joy.
I left feeling more whole than I had in a long time. I joined in with the evening games, laughing even though I didn’t really feel like it. I enjoyed a beautiful dinner, convincing everyone around me that the worst was over with. I just needed to work on convincing myself.
The time would come, though. I couldn’t grieve forever. There was such beauty in the world, a haven to explore. I might not do it with my mate as I had always planned, but I would visit all the sights that had jumped off the pages of the books I had read as a child. I would walk the corridors of Holy places of worship, immerse myself in the history of other cultures, living their history and escape my own life, even if only for a short while.
I had a plan and so for the first time since Khaos left me, I was able to breathe easy.
Day Five
Day five was a setback.
Too much food when my stomach had gone days without eating gave me awful cramps. I attempted breakfast but immediately brought it back up again. Jasmine expressed her concern, but I reassured her I was fine, a simple case of too much too soon. She asked me if I had reached my decision and I didn’t know how to answer. Yes. No. I couldn’t think past one day at a time.
Last night I had been so sure of myself, but another night of no sleep had me doubting myself.
Give Khaos one more chance, don’t ruin your happiness forever.
Leave now, don’t let Khaos destroy all the good within you.
Each decision was one that couldn’t be taken back. Either would change my life in such a drastic way.
At Jasmine’s insistence I visited the pack doctor who gave me a clean bill of health but ordered me to take things much easier whilst we waited for the results of the blood tests, just to be on the safe side. I had told him I didn’t need any blood work, but he had replied that it wasn’t worth pissing Khaos off. If anything happened to me, even if it were just a cold, the doctor would be to blame. I had stretched my arm out with a sigh and told him to get it over with.
Khaos was still influencing everything that happened to me.
They sent me back to the room they had ordered me to leave just a day or so ago, and I took up my usual position in the seat by the window. In no time at all, I was once again lost in my memories.
Day five really hadn’t gone to plan at all.
Day Six
Day six kicked off with an early morning visit from the doctor as he handed me my test results. He was pleased to announce I was fit and healthy, no doubt fearing Khaos’ wrath if he had told me anything else.
He handed me an envelope that contained my diagnosis and left me to my thoughts.
Day six was the day I made my decision. It was time to stop being childish. Whether Khaos or I ended up together in the end was of no importance. We still had things to talk about, things to work through – even if it was only for the sake of closure.
Making my way to his office with the help of Jasmine, holding my elbow and guiding the way, I called him. My palms were sweating as I anxiously listened to the endless ringing. The more the phone rang, the more time I had to look around the room and take in all of his belongings, his scent wrapping around me.
It wasn’t Khaos that answered. It was a female.
Jealousy ripped through me before common sense took over. Of course there were going to be females around. There was nothing to be worried about.
She introduced herself as Grace, the mate to Alpha Duke.
It didn’t escape my notice that she didn’t say “Luna”.
Maybe Khaos and I were not the only ones experiencing troubles in paradise.
Grace assured me that she was going to get Khaos and made me swear to stay on the phone. Five minutes, tops. They didn’t know where he was. He hadn’t been seen all day.
What the fuck was going off over there?
Finally, a lot more than five minutes later, he picked up.
“Hello?”
“Hey. It’s me…”
Chapter 18
Khaos
Day One
Day One I was fine. I refused to let myself think of Violet. Instead, I pretended I was away for the night on pack business and not about to be rejected by my mate. It wasn’t the healthiest approach; I knew that. But I was living in denial, too scared to contemplate not only a future without Violet, but a future completely alone.
Without her, there were no more shots. I would not contemplate taking another mate. My first and only choice mating with Louisa had been such a disaster. I wouldn’t settle for anything less.
Besides, now that I had come to realise exactly what a mating bond meant, the feelings it could provoke in a wolf, anything else would pale in comparison.
If I were completely honest, anyone else would pale in comparison to Violet.
She was beautiful, feisty, opinionated. She challenged me, made me see things in a different light. Above all else, she was funny. She brought a lightness to my life that I had never experienced. I could be myself around her. She didn’t judge or look at me any differently now that she knew all about my past. She just accepted me in her calm, sweet way.
A couple of the warriors had attempted to talk to me about Violet on the way to our destination and I had laughed them off, telling them I didn’t “catch feelings”.
I was running away, and I fucking knew it. Damn it, I had taken deadly warriors with me for a reason, yet all they wanted to do was talk about our feelings and other mushy shit?
It had even reached the point where I had growled at them, threatening them with exile if they dared to mention Violet’s name again.
How did you even begin to explain your feelings when you didn’t completely understand them yourself?
I didn’t realise it, but that one action was more revealing than if I had declared my love for her in front of them all.
It hadn’t gotten off to the best start when I arrived at my friend’s pack. I had known Duke as long as I could remember. I had found his pack during those dark days after Drake had torn away my innocence. Before I found Morgan’s family.
Duke’s dad had been the Alpha then, and he had allowed me to stay awhile, building up my strength before I left to find my place in the world.
One of Duke’s Omegas who greeted us at the packhouse had smelled Violet on my skin. I hadn’t washed, not wanting to risk the last of her scent being removed from my body. It humiliated me that this low-ranking woman, who should have known better, dared to ask me if Violet was my mate. Apparently, my so-called friend, the Alpha, had been talking about me.
I lost it.
I smashed my fist into the wall, throwing my weight around in a way I swore I would never do.
Someone, I don’t know who, tried to stop me and that’s when my warriors joined in, protecting me as I had trained them to do.
It took Alpha Duke, a bunch of warriors, and a lot of unnecessary bloodshed to put an end to it.
Once things calmed down. I laughed with Duke about how I hadn’t changed, agreeing that I was still the hot-headed wolf from my youth. I didn’t tell him much about Violet, other than she was “thinking things through”. I didn’t reveal the extent of my feelings for her, and I played down the relationship we had built.
Duke tried to get me to talk more deeply, bringing up his own mate, Grace. They were having issues of their own, but I shrugged him off, feigning tiredness, and went to find an outlet for my anger. I trained with his warriors, knocking them down one at a time as they all failed to match up to my strength and agility.
I came across Duke’s father, Stephen, and he laughed at my appearance, told me I was spending one too many late nights in a woman’s bed. Sexist through and through, I did my best to avoid engaging in any further conversation with him, hoping he had enough sense to leave me alone. I wasn’t here for a social visit.
It was all I could do not to punch him later that evening as he gave me a sly smirk and brought forward one of his companions.
“She’s the best of the best,” he had told me. I had gritted my teeth and turned him down. I had no interest in the pack whore, or anyone else for that matter.
I went to bed and thought of my blonde-haired Angel and pretended she would share my bed again in no time.
Deluded as always, Khaos, was my last thought before I drifted off into a restless sleep.
Day Two
Day two was when I began to miss her. When reality set in and wouldn’t let me play my pretending games anymore.
My wolf had mentally kicked me many times throughout the night, warning me he would never speak to me again if I didn’t at least attempt to put this right.
He mocked me for downplaying my feelings for Violet. He told me it wasn’t manly to pretend that I didn’t care and wasn’t capable of love.
I wasn’t pretending.
Love just wasn’t made for some people.
Just as the Moon Goddess had seen something inside Ryssa and Drake, never permitting them to have children of their own, she had seen something in me that was unworthy of love.
I would never be able to give Violet what she wanted, and as a result, she would never be able to love me in the way mates were supposed to.
Still, I wanted to call her. I wanted to demand that she return to my side and never leave again. I wanted us to swear that we would always be together, that we would fight the devil himself if it meant that we could create more memories together. That we could create a life together.
I picked up the phone, ready to promise her the world. That I could and would change for her. That I would be better.
Then I saw the scar on my wrist, courtesy of Drake and his fellow rapists.
I hung up the phone before she could answer.
Despite what my wolf insisted, I wasn’t capable of change.
Day Three
Day three, the depression sank in. I spent a lot of time in my room, thinking of all my past actions, of the people I had hurt.
I remembered Violet’s words to me – someday somebody stronger would come along and defeat me if I carried on the way I was.
