The Daughter-in-Law, page 23
Edie blushed. ‘Really? I don’t think I’ve seen you there, have I?’
Patrick had an amused glint in his eye. ‘I sometimes have work round there, and I’ve seen you having lunch a couple of times in the gardens.’
‘Can’t imagine how. I very rarely do that.’ Just for a moment, Edie looked uncomfortable.
Patrick shrugged. ‘Maybe I’m wrong. Sorry.’
‘Patrick’s hopeless with faces, aren’t you?’ Clem laughed. ‘Remember when you mistook that poor old woman for your ex-headmistress? She was so confused.’
‘I hope you didn’t think I was one of your teachers,’ said Edie.
‘You’re far too young for that,’ said Patrick, smiling.
Hope gathered up the pudding plates with Clem’s help. Edie was trying to persuade Hazel to eat a pink puree (raspberry?) with little success. Her bib and her mouth were covered with spat-out dribbles of whatever it was.
Hope had a sudden urge to say, ‘Shall I try?’, but supressed it. Besides, the time was approaching when she would have to say her piece. Martin had given her the occasional look when an appropriate gap had come in the conversation, but he had let her stick to her plan. She took orders for coffee and tea and brought them to the table. When everyone had what they wanted, Martin dinged his glass with a spoon and looked at Hope. ‘Hope.’
She thought she might vomit as her stomach lurched over.
‘Are you all right, Mum?’ Paul’s usual solicitude made her feel worse, but they were all watching her, waiting.
‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks.’ She swallowed. ‘I have got something to say to you all and I’m grateful Martin’s let me do this my way.’ She put her hand on the pulse that was thumping at her throat. Everyone’s attention was on her. ‘The thing is… well… you all know that Patrick didn’t just come looking for me. He came looking for his father, too.’
There was an audible intake of breath from Edie, but Hope was most aware of Patrick, who was entirely focused on her, holding tight to Clem’s hand.
‘You all know my own story. I’ve tried to explain as best I can what happened and why I kept Patrick’s existence secret. But, Patrick, you want to know your father too. I hope you’ll understand my hesitation up until now when I tell you that your father’s sitting at this table.’
There was a stunned silence.
‘Dad?!’ Paul spoke first. ‘Is this a joke?’
‘No,’ said Martin quietly. ‘I knew nothing about it. Nothing about Patrick. Not until your mother came to see me in Cornwall and told me the truth.’
‘Mum?’ Paul sounded lost.
‘It’s true,’ said Hope, her voice faint now.
Patrick, whose face had paled, smiled uncertainly. ‘Really? Is it really true?’
‘I can see the likeness now,’ said Edie.
More than anything, Hope wanted to go upstairs and leave them to it, but she couldn’t. Martin dinged his glass again.
‘I know that must have been hard to do, Hope, having kept this secret for so long. But the truth’s out now and I believe we can all make a new start.’ He went round to Patrick, who was also on his feet, and they hugged hard, chest-to-chest.
Paul sat and watched them, his cheeks ashen with shock.
Edie got up and went to the drinks fridge and pulled out a bottle of champagne. ‘We should have a special toast to the new brothers – the new family,’ she cried.
Hope wanted to strangle her for her tactlessness. Couldn’t she see how conflicted her husband was – and in how much pain?
‘But, Mum, I don’t understand,’ said Paul. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? Or Dad? We’re a family.’
‘What I’ve told you is the truth. Dad left for college before the baby – Patrick – was born. I didn’t tell him I was pregnant; I didn’t want to ruin his life. By the time we met up again and started going out together years later, Patrick was already adopted and living in a family of his own. Do you see?’
There was a pop as the cork flew out of the bottle.
Hope took the stickers and paper she’d bought for Betty from the side and gave them to her.
This was going to be a long afternoon.
26
‘You should have seen them all.’ Edie paused her dishing up of the crab linguini. ‘Gob-smacked doesn’t do it justice. Although, I have to say, I wasn’t really surprised.’
Ana was providing the sort of audience that Edie loved – enthralled and shocked. ‘But what happened then?’
‘Hope tried to explain away how it all happened. A teenage fling. A controlling Catholic mother. Martin disappeared for about eight years. Then, it was somehow too late to row back. Imagine.’
‘I can’t,’ said Ana, helping herself to salad. ‘See what a tangled web we weave… and all that.’
Edie eyed her, more aware than ever of the irony in all this. She and Daniel were meeting in a couple of days, work allowing.
‘But what about Hope? How was she?’
‘Obviously desperate for the three of them to understand what she had been through and why. But it’s hard for them, and actually I think it’s hard for her too. Oddly enough, I feel quite sorry for her. And thank God times have changed and women are allowed more control over their own bodies.’
Her own procedure had been quick and efficient, with nothing but minor side effects. Once she’d had the pregnancy confirmed, after the blood tests were cleared, she was given two pills. One she took immediately. Not too arduous, although she had felt a bit sick. The following day, she whacked back a couple of ibuprofen then opened the second package in the pack. It was only following the instructions to place four pills between her gums and her cheeks for half an hour before swallowing them that she questioned what she was doing.
This was a baby she was getting rid of – perhaps another Hazel or Betty. Just as Hope had said. Even so, she quickly talked herself out of any regret or sadness. This was a practical decision, she told herself, made over an inconvenient group of cells. It was much simpler if her mother-in-law believed the test had been negative.
Within a couple of hours the cramps and bleeding had begun. Paul was out with the girls so she was able to lie in bed with a hot-water bottle till the worst was over. All she had left to do was take another test three weeks later to make sure – and make sure her contraception was more efficient in future.
Thankfully neither Paul nor Daniel were any the wiser after the procedure, and nobody need know about it now.
‘And did they understand?’
‘Hard to tell. Patrick and Clem were delighted, of course. He was happy to have found the family he’d come looking for, and she was pleased for him. Martin was very emotional – thrilled, I think. Imagine meeting a child you didn’t even know you’d had for the first time. The only person who was completely thrown was Paul.’ She reached for the bottle of Pellegrino and poured them both a glass. ‘He feels massively let down by his mother; can’t understand why she never told him.’
‘But how could she, without telling Martin, too?’
‘I had to hear her for myself to get a real sense of it. Being sent off to a mother-and-baby home does sound horrendous; harsh conditions and no respect. Nowadays it would have been a simple termination, I expect.’ Edie pictured Patrick. Would the collection of cells, as she preferred to think of her short pregnancy, have become someone like him? Better not to go there, she thought.
‘What can you do for Paul though?’
‘I don’t know. He’ll have to come to terms with it somehow himself. I’m not sure there’s anything I can do.’
‘What a mess,’ Ana linked her fingers and stretched both arms into the air above her head. ‘I’m sorry for them.’
Edie felt full of regret. Hope’s story made her own decision to have an abortion all the more real, and strangely intolerable. The baby might have been Daniel’s, with his sandy hair and lazy smile. Or Paul’s. A brother for Betty and Hazel.
Might-have-beens. The paths not taken.
‘I’m off to the Opera House this evening,’ said Ana. ‘Swan Lake. Should be a wonderful evening.’
Edie was relieved to have a change of subject. ‘With?’
‘No one you know. A guy I met through work. He’s a photographer, fun, but there’s nothing more to it than that.’
Her friend’s eyes gave her away. ‘Ana?’
‘Well, maybe there’s a bit more, but we’re just enjoying it. You know.’
Edie did know. That excitement was what she had now with Daniel again. Fun. As she hankered for Ana’s freedom, a life free of nappies, broken nights and screaming, she thought of her affair with him. Seeing someone every now and then wasn’t real, just like Ana’s relationships weren’t real. They didn’t require the daily commitment, the effort involved in thinking about someone else’s needs as well as your own. But she and Daniel could have that. He had said so. They just had to decide to take the plunge.
Edie reminded herself how much she loved her children. What was difficult was not the girls themselves but the limitations, the boredom and repetitious nature of everything that came with children. Everyone said things got better, but she couldn’t imagine it. She had never made that really close bond that other women talked about. And Paul needed the chance to find someone else to give him what he wanted. They weren’t the match they had once thought they were. The insight hit her like a lightning strike.
As she swithered between what she had and what she wanted for the umpteenth time, Ana interrupted her train of thought. ‘What are you thinking?’
‘Oh, marriage. Your life against mine.’ She couldn’t help the despair in her voice.
‘You shouldn’t compare. They’re just different. That domestic bliss isn’t something I’m ready for yet. Maybe one day, but I can’t imagine it.’
Edie’s voice choked up. ‘I’m just not a natural mum.’
‘What?’ Ana sounded genuinely astonished. ‘Don’t say that. You’re great with them.’
‘No. Paul’s great with them, but I’m impatient and grumpy a lot of the time and I don’t love them enough.’
She couldn’t remember ever admitting her true feelings about motherhood out loud. With the admission came the dawning realization that being a mum really wasn’t what she wanted. Other women might be fulfilled by it and want to stay at home, but she needed more. At least, she had a career. If she just kept working to keep herself stimulated and her brain ticking over, perhaps she would cope with motherhood as well, but increasingly she doubted it. Especially not with Daniel in the wings.
‘Well, you’ve rather landed yourself with the kids, so you’ll have to come round to it. I read somewhere that not everyone bonds immediately. It takes time.’ Although she didn’t sound understanding, Edie recognized the sympathy in her voice.
‘It’s been two years.’ Edie groaned. ‘Sometimes I feel as if I’ve lost who I am. I’m okay when I’m at work, but that’s sandwiched between bouts of domestic purgatory.’
‘I don’t believe it’s that bad. Come on! You’d never leave them now you’ve got them would you?’
When Edie didn’t reply immediately, Ana’s eyes widened. ‘You would?!’
Edie didn’t answer because, to her horror, tears were stinging her eyes. This emotional vulnerability was not part of the person she normally was with Ana, so she resisted it.
Ana got up and came over to sit on the arm of her chair and put her arm round her. ‘Oh, Edie. It’s Daniel, isn’t it? I knew you weren’t telling me the truth when you said it was over.’
‘I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing by not involving you.’ Edie sniffed as she wiped away a tear. ‘I’ve made a terrible mistake. I should have never married Paul. Even I knew at the time, deep down. Daniel was still in the shadows.’
‘You loved Paul,’ Ana said with confidence. ‘I remember watching you two dancing at your wedding. Daniel wasn’t in your head then. I saw how you looked at Paul, and how he looked at you.’
‘We had a good few years. He was such fun, and we were proud of each other, but everything’s changed. We’ve changed. I thought I wanted a family – one that wouldn’t be anything like my own but one of the happy ones that all my friends seemed to have. But I was wrong. Wrong to want it, I mean. I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for. Also, I didn’t know I was going to meet Daniel again or that I’d still feel the same about him. I didn’t know.’ She buried her head in her hands. ‘What a mess.’
For once, Ana was at a loss for words.
‘And now he’s talked about us being together,’ Edie went on. ‘Really together, I mean.’
‘But you wouldn’t, would you? I mean, the girls. What about them? You know what this means better than anyone.’
‘I know, I do. But I’ve only got one life. I look at my own mother and see someone who would have preferred a life without children. I should have taken notice. I don’t want to end up like her, living a lie because of other people’s opinions.’
‘You won’t. You’ve put so much energy into forging your own career. She never had anything like that.’
‘Only because she didn’t have to work for Dad’s approval. That’s what I’ve been doing all the time – wanting Dad to be proud of me, to notice me. Even though he’s been dead for years now.’
‘Jesus, Edie! You can’t break up your family.’
‘You don’t know what it’s like. This is impossible. I don’t want the girls to grow up feeling like I did. Unloved. Unlovable.’ Tears ran down her cheeks.
‘Oh Edie. You shouldn’t feel that. It’s obviously not true. But leaving them would be a huge step that would harm so many people.’
‘Maybe they’d do worse with me as their mother?’ She felt despairing. ‘I’m not like other women. I thought I was but I’m not.’
‘And Paul? He adores you.’
‘He deserves a chance to find someone else. Don’t you think?’ She put her head in her hands.
‘This is ridiculous.’ Ana got up and went out to return with a bottle of wine and two glasses. ‘We need this. You’ve got a lot of hard thinking to do. I can’t do it for you, but I can listen.’
Eventually she went home, pleading tiredness and an early start, leaving Edie to wait up for Paul. She settled down in front of the TV where she was making her way through the back series of Mad Men while Paul was out, because he hated the slick, whisky-swigging admen of the Fifties and their domestic dramas. She had almost reached the end of an episode without taking in any of it when the front door slammed in an I’m-a-bit-pissed-but-I’m-back way.
Paul’s face was flushed when he came into the living room and threw himself with a groan onto the chair where Ana had been sitting earlier.
Edie reached for the remote and turned off the TV. ‘How was Patrick? Did you have a good time?’
‘Yeah.’ He propped himself up. ‘Actually, I like the guy.’
‘Good.’ She was genuinely pleased that they might get on. ‘Brothers in arms.’
‘I always quite wanted a brother when I was a kid. Now, I’ve got one. He’s interesting. Successful, but it hasn’t gone to his head. He mentioned again that he’d seen you in the gardens at work.’
Edie pushed herself up into a sitting position. She’d forgotten in the heat of what had followed that Patrick had said he’d seen her. ‘Hundreds of people go there. He’s probably mistaken someone else for me,’ she said, grasping at straws.
‘You’re a very memorable woman, you know.’ He sat forward, elbows on knees and head steadied on his hands to study her.
‘Don’t, Paul. I hate it when you do that.’ She raised her hand in front of her face.
‘Do what? I’m only looking at my beautiful wife.’ He stuck his tongue out at her. ‘Can’t I do that?’
‘It’s more of a leer than a look.’ She pretended to shiver in disgust. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘Stay here and have a beer with me.’ He held out his hand.
‘No, thanks.’ She took it, interlocking fingers. ‘I’ll only regret it tomorrow. I do want to hear about Patrick, but only when you’re sober.’
‘Then, I’ll come up with you.’
‘No, you stay and have your beer.’ The thought of the drunken fumbling that was bound to follow didn’t appeal to her one bit. With luck, she’d be asleep before he joined her. But she’d go to sleep thinking of Daniel and how she could untangle herself from this mess.
* * *
The bubble in which Edie and Daniel’s new relationship existed had burst after Hope had come across them together in the park, and then in the restaurant. And now Ana knew Edie, her closest friend, had lied to her about the affair continuing. Thankfully, she didn’t harbour any resentment but understood and wanted to try to help Edie find the right way out of her predicament.
Edie had given Daniel an abbreviated account of what had happened, but what she really wanted to talk about was something that had been nagging away at her since Paul had returned from his drink with his brother.
‘How could Patrick have seen me and remembered me from the Fields?’
‘I’d remember you.’ Daniel was lying on his back on the bed, loosely covered by a sheet, sounding drowsy.
‘No, you wouldn’t. We’re just two in a million in that square. Don’t you think that’s weird?’
‘Mmmmm. Not really. Come here.’
She slid across the bed so that she was pressed against him, his arm around her, her head just below his collar bone, hearing his heartbeat, where she belonged. ‘It’s bothering me, though.’
‘Maybe he’s seen you in court.’ His arm tightened round her.
‘Then, he’d say so.’
‘What’s his name again?’
She sighed. ‘Don’t you ever listen to anything I say?’
He laughed. ‘You know I do, but when we’re here we’ve better things to do.’ His free hand moved between her legs.
She moved away. ‘I’m not just a body, you know.’ She couldn’t help being reminded of the abortion. Would it have been Daniel’s child? She would never know.
