The Daughter-in-Law, page 10
Within a short time, all six pupils had gathered, quickly aproned up. While some started chopping the watercress and making a stock, others got going on the miso sauce, or weighing out ingredients for pastry. Hope was soon in her happy place. While her thoughts of Patrick wouldn’t leave her, they were forced to take a back seat. Within three hours, they were all sitting down at the table by the open French doors, devouring the results and sampling the pairing wines.
When they eventually departed, Hope returned to her office. She flipped open her laptop, paused, and closed it again. She went to make a cup of tea. It was another five minutes before she was finally settled at her desk.
Dear Patrick, she began.
Thank you for your letter. Was that too formal?
Shall we have lunch at Giovanni’s, a small Italian restaurant fairly near me? She deleted what she’d written and tried again.
Thanks for your letter. Lunch sounds a good plan. I could do next week. Thursday?
She took a sip of her tea. Did she want to start rebuilding her relationship with him over lunch – if, indeed, that was going to happen?
What about meeting in Giovanni’s, a little Italian restaurant quite near me? It’s in Elia Street, a short walk from the Angel tube. Twelve thirty p.m.?
Giovanni’s, a small, unpretentious restaurant run by an Italian family who specialized in local Calabrian food, seemed to her perfect. Their ’nduja, a spicy spreadable sausage that Hope loved, was second to none, and the tables were far enough apart to allow for a discreet conversation.
I’m looking forward to it, she wrote. Was that too keen? She crossed it out.
See you then then.
Then then? She deleted the second then.
She typed her name and sent it before she could change her mind. There was much more that she wanted to say and so many questions she would like to ask. But she had no idea how any of them would land. When Patrick was in front of her, she could look him in the eye and ask whatever she wanted. Couldn’t she?
12
Edie lay awake, listening to Paul’s breathing. A couple of weeks had passed since they’d had lunch at Hope’s and she was back at work. As pleased as she was about this, with that fact came the inevitable anxieties that she would make a wrong step in a case, so she went over and over the details. It was good to be tested, to use her brain again, but she was also troubled by the feelings that came with having resumed her affair with Daniel. As hard as she tried to manage her life, she still felt as if her grip could be much tighter.
Guilt, responsibility, temptation, regret… They were all fighting for space in her mind. She couldn’t stop thinking about how reckless they had been meeting somewhere so public when Hope was only yards away. What had she been thinking? Her feelings for him were as genuine and heartfelt as ever. She loved him as much as she did before he went to Newcastle. If Hope was waiting to catch her out, then what would happen to them? She couldn’t bear to think about ending the affair, but at the same time, she knew it couldn’t go on.
She had to get up for Hazel, who woke at five-thirty a.m. With only a few hours’ sleep, Edie looked drawn. However, Jen arrived at eight to take over and Edie was released. After only a few days, Betty’s old nanny had already made her presence felt. At first, she had met resistance from the girls, but she had quickly won them over.
That morning she bounced in, as bright and enthusiastic as ever. Her fair hair was dyed a shade of pink, and her clothes were practical; jeans and T-shirt. She loved working with children and it showed. She never seemed to tire of them.
‘Morning! What are we going to do today?’ She dumped her backpack in a corner, picked up Hazel from her activity centre and blew a raspberry into her neck, then another. Hazel burst into laughter.
Betty ran over, so Jen squatted down to greet her. ‘Hello, poppet. Shall we go to soft play today?’
‘Yes!’ Betty jumped up and down.
‘That’s settled then. We’ll go this morning before your nap.’
‘I’ll see you all later, then. Thanks, Jen.’ Edie made as quick an exit as she could, kissing the girls, knowing they were in the best hands. Her work diary was almost full. She had known it would be worth the schmoozing she’d done before coming back with James, the chief clerk, as well as with Derek, their head of chambers. She was pretty sure she had successfully persuaded them that she was absolutely focused and ready to go.
James had been sceptical at first. She knew he was wondering whether she’d take time off when the kids were ill, that she wouldn’t be able to stick with a case. Of course he’d never say such a thing, but she’d had to persuade him anyway.
‘You know me. I’ll make sure everything’s in order so that won’t happen. I won’t let you down.’
He had pursed his lips. ‘I hope not. I don’t want to find work’s a poor second to your family.’
She had stared at him, open-mouthed. ‘Come on! You wouldn’t be saying that if I was a man.’ She was appalled by any suggestion of discrimination. Some of the men she worked alongside still held views about women that belonged in the dark ages. They should be called out and proved wrong.
He had the grace to look apologetic. ‘Sorry, Edie. So, what sort of thing are you looking for?’
‘I need something juicy. I want you to clerk me into silk.’ The award of Queen’s Counsel would one day be confirmation of her expertise in her field and make her the bee’s knees of the legal world. The more appearances James secured for her in the High Court, the more judges would witness her capabilities and, as a result, would support her application. ‘Really, I do. It’s almost time.’
James was eventually persuaded of her continued dedication and had begun filling her diary before her return to work.
That morning, she’d met with one of her new clients, a woman fighting her abusive and controlling ex for sole custody of their two children, together with her solicitor. The husband was rich, influential and clearly had a short fuse going by the reports of his behaviour. Edie hated seeing her client cowed and was determined to do the best by her. They had a date for court but she hoped they might be able to settle out of court. It was always better that a couple agreed about the arrangement rather than a judgment being forced on one resentful and angry half.
With the meeting over, exhilarated by the sense of being back in the game and feeling positive over the result, she went back to the quiet of her room in chambers. She felt comfortable here, with her books on the shelves: various family-court textbooks, reference books and the indispensable Red Book that contained the information that every family barrister needed to know. Updated with all the latest case law, it was Edie’s bible. Her desk was clear, save for her laptop and a photo of Paul and the girls, and another of her and him on the day of their wedding. Technology had made paper almost redundant now that so much more of her work was done online.
She sipped her takeaway latte and opened the laptop. She would email Daniel. Despite everything she wanted, she had reluctantly come to a decision over their future. She had seen too many families broken as a result of an affair…
Dearest D,
We can’t go on like this. I’m so sorry to end it now but being caught by Hope was too close. We have so much between us still. I’ve loved everything we’ve done together but I don’t want to risk my marriage and I don’t think you want to risk yours. I thought I’d be able to continue – God knows I want to – but the stress is too much. Let’s stop this before anyone gets hurt and we can remember the best of times between us.
E x
The moment she pressed send, she regretted it.
Perhaps she should have thought about it for longer. She read and re-read her email, wondering how he would take it, what he might read between the lines, how he would respond, how angry he would be, how hurt. Then she deleted it so it couldn’t be found.
He didn’t reply immediately, but when he did, it was not with the reluctant acceptance she had half expected.
This breaks my heart. Since we’ve got together again, we’ve always had our own commitments, I know, but I can’t imagine not having you in my life now. I want us to continue. I urge you to meet me so that we can discuss face to face, to see if we can find a better way of resolving this. Please.
This completely floored her. How tempted she was and yet…
At that moment, Olga, a fellow barrister, put her head round the door. ‘I think James has asked you to take the Renee Adams case?’
Edie could tell by her unyielding expression that her colleague was miffed. The case was the latest high-profile contact dispute to come to the office, and instead of offering it to Olga, James had asked Edie to handle it. She would be representing a well-known actress who wanted to move her children with her to Los Angeles when her ex didn’t want them to go. Of course he didn’t. And he would fight hard to stop them.
‘Yes, I haven’t tackled the brief yet.’
‘It needs tackling,’ Olga said as she stepped into the room. ‘Why don’t you ask him to redirect it to me?’ Her fingernails were as red as her lips. ‘I’ve been waiting for something like this.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Edie. ‘That’s not how it works, and you know that.’
Olga didn’t say anything else, although Edie could feel the force of her fury as she swivelled on her heel and stalked out. Edie took a deep breath, opened the brief and began to read.
* * *
‘I don’t know what to do.’ Edie had gone round to Ana’s while Jen stayed on to babysit. If she didn’t talk to someone, she would go mad. If she met Daniel as he wanted, she was aware how easily her resolve might be swayed. Just one touch… a look from those eyes… a few of the right chosen words – those would be enough.
‘Well, e-dumping’s a pretty shitty thing to do, you’ve got to admit.’ Her friend sat up and took a few nuts.
‘I know – but it seemed the best way. I don’t want to see him in case I change my mind.’ The olive she took was sharp with garlic.
Ana shook her head. ‘You’re tougher than that.’
‘Am I?’ Just then, Edie didn’t feel tough at all. She felt torn between the two men and was devastated that doing the right thing was going to cause her and Daniel such heartache. For the second time. She pictured them together in bed, the pleasure she got from being with him, the years they had lived together and the times they had managed to fit in since they had met again. She couldn’t deny her nagging reluctance to bring their renewed affair to a close. But she must. She must. Despite the drudgery of motherhood, she didn’t want to lose her family. But, equally, what she and Daniel had was something special that hadn’t disappeared in the years they had been apart. Despite loving Paul, she still loved Daniel in a million different ways.
‘Yes, you are. You can choose what you do.’
Edie admired her friend’s common sense, but perhaps this wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear. She had come hoping for sympathy, to be told she had done the right thing. She wanted reinforcement and support, not criticism. But Ana hadn’t finished.
‘And now you’re back at work, you’ll bump into him anyway. Wouldn’t it be better to end it in a civilized way, so that you can cross paths without it being awkward? You’ve had your time with him. You’ve both moved on, married, got families. Get over it.’
‘I can’t. It’s so easy for you to say but you don’t understand.’ Her predicament and Ana’s lack of empathy made her despair.
‘Then make me.’ Ana challenged her.
‘I don’t want to drop everything for Daniel, but we’re soul mates. If I’m honest, our affair is what keeps me going. We can talk about anything, the sex is great and I feel entirely myself with him. The truth is that I love him. Paul and the children aren’t enough. I feel terrible saying that, but it’s true.’
‘Really? You sound like a teenager.’
‘I know. Ridiculously, that’s what I feel like when I’m with him. I met Paul when I was still on the rebound. I’d persuaded myself that I’d got over Daniel and I’d never see him again. What the hell am I going to do?’
‘You’ve got yourself into a right old mess. Even so, you know what to do. You have responsibilities now.’
By the time Edie went home, she was still undecided.
She had a quick supper with Paul and excused herself to read up on her client meeting the following day. She went to the small office they shared, put her laptop on the desk, then stared out over the garden. Before anything else, she opened Daniel’s reply to her email again. Of course, Ana was right. His words were too heartfelt to completely ignore. Perhaps she should agree to see him. But she had work to do, so opened the case file James had sent her, reading quickly and carefully, making notes for herself when needed. Eventually, she closed the file again. She would get up early to read her notes one more time.
Switching off the lights, she left the room and ran downstairs. The TV was blaring in the living room, so she detoured into the kitchen to make cups of hot chocolate for herself and Paul and put away the supper leftovers that he had ignored. He never quite finished things, she thought. It was as if he hadn’t seen the unused cutlery and pepper pot on the table, the crumbs and cup stains on the worktop. They often joked about how pernickety she was by comparison. She found the marshmallows that she’d hidden from Betty in her secret treats drawer, dotted them on the top of the mugs and took them through to the living room.
The cops on the TV were breaking into a council flat mob-handed, but not even the deafening shouts of ‘Police! Don’t move. Hands against the wall’ were enough to wake Paul, who was sprawled on the sofa, spark out.
He looked so peaceful that she didn’t try to wake him. His mouth was slightly open, his chest rising and falling. He must be exhausted. The early mornings caught up on both of them. She put down the mugs, trying not to make a sound, then picked up the remote that lay by his hand and turned down the volume. Immediately, Paul opened his eyes and sat up, rubbing his face.
‘Sorry. Must have drifted off.’ He smiled at her and nodded towards the two mugs on the coffee table. ‘Is one of those for me?’
‘Well, I’m not going to drink them both.’ She put one on a coaster nearer to him.
‘I wouldn’t put it past you.’ He dodged the cushion that she lobbed at him. ‘Easy. Come over here.’ He patted the seat beside him, and she sat down as he put his arm around her. ‘We don’t get much time like this anymore.’
She snuggled into him, pulling her legs underneath her so her head could rest on his chest, where she felt the steady beat of his heart. They’d been there for just a moment or two, not talking, enjoying the closeness, when a familiar sound came through the child monitor. Hazel.
‘She can’t be awake,’ groaned Paul. ‘Not now.’
‘Let’s leave her for a bit. See if she goes back off.’ Edie picked off one of the melting marshmallows and put it in her mouth. ‘Mm hm.’ Having sat down, it was as if all the tension of the day was draining out of her. ‘It’s only teething.’
Hazel’s wails grew louder.
‘I can’t bear it. I’ll go.’ Paul stood up. ‘Stay where you are.’ He was out of the door and up the stairs before Edie had time to pull herself out of her seat. On the monitor screen, she could see Hazel reaching up to him, mouth wide in a tear-stained wail. But he found her dummy, laid her down, hand on her chest as they’d always agreed, and began quietly singing the sea shanties that she found so soothing. Gradually she quietened down. Edie watched the whole process propped up on her arm, envious of his ease with their child, and her resolve to devote herself to her family was strengthened.
* * *
The restaurant was quiet for lunchtime. Daniel had chosen it because it was a quick taxi ride from their respective chambers, far enough away for them not to be spotted. They’d both found themselves free when their court cases finished at the same time in the morning. Hasty phone calls had been enough to arrange this impromptu meeting.
‘You came.’ Despite their arrangement, he sounded surprised.
‘Of course. I said I would.’ Actually, a quick coffee would have been all that was needed, but she had thought she owed him longer, so lunch it was. Now she was here, she felt her resolution weakening as she experienced that deep and irrefutable visceral pull between them again.
Edie nodded towards her phone that she put on the table beside her. ‘Sorry. In case our nanny calls.’
‘Of course.’ He reached out to take her hand. ‘I was shocked to get your email. I had to see you. I don’t believe you meant what you said.’
She pulled her hand away. ‘No. I know you don’t.’
Daniel was smiling at her. ‘Let me order us a drink. You are drinking?’
‘God, yes.’ Go easy, she warned herself. ‘Though not usually at lunchtime.’
He summoned the waiter with a crook of a finger and ordered a couple of glasses of Gavi, her favourite.
She ordered rainbow chard with garlic and a simple penne with tomato sauce (the house speciality) to his burrata and roast mushroom gnocchi. Then, they sat awkwardly, Edie not knowing quite where to start, waiting for Daniel. They chinked glasses and drank, the citrussy wine slipping down easily.
‘I don’t understand,’ he began. ‘Last week we were glad you were back at work so we could actually spend some proper time together again. I’ve already booked another room for us at the Smithson, hoping you’d be able to get away.’ This was a comfortable and discreet hotel in a narrow street off Holborn that welcomed afternoon guests. They knew it well.
‘Things have changed,’ she said, wishing so much that they hadn’t.
‘But why?’ He looked mystified.
‘Because of what happened in the park. We should never have taken that risk.’ She had to keep reminding him how close they’d come to being discovered.
