The Daughter-in-Law, page 12
Talking about this for the first time in forty-eight years burst a dam inside her.
He reached across the table and took her hand, just as Edie walked back across the restaurant to her table. Hope barely noticed. She was remembering the day the social worker had come to take him away. Her tears; her screaming; his screaming. The pain in her breasts, the void in her heart. ‘All I had to remember you by was a little teddy with a tartan ribbon I had bought for you. They didn’t want it, so I kept it, and I’ve still got it to this day.’
He squeezed her hand. ‘That’s it?’
‘That’s it.’ Her shoulders dropped and she sat back against the banquette.
‘You only knew me for such a short time.’
‘Three weeks. I would have given anything to have had longer.’ Although they were mother and son, there was only blood binding them together. She would never have the relationship with him that she had with Paul, she knew that. There were none of the crucial building blocks a mother shares with her growing child. She speared some pasta but had second thoughts and left the fork in her plate. ‘Who were they? Your parents. Did they give you a good life?’
He smiled. ‘I was lucky. I don’t think either of us could have asked for better. Gill and Tony Marchant. Not long after they took me on, she got pregnant. They’d been told she couldn’t have a baby but I ended up in a family of four kids – Joel, Bruce, Marcie and me. But, you know what? They never made me feel any different from the others. Mum died two years ago but Dad’s been very encouraging since I told him I wanted to find you. I couldn’t have done it while she was alive.’
Mum. Dad. It didn’t sound right. But she was glad he had them.
‘When did you find out that you were adopted? That must have been hard.’ There had been times when she had tortured herself with this thought over the years. How unforgiving he might feel towards her when he was told.
‘They told me as soon as I could understand. They were pretty enlightened.’
Hope couldn’t help but remember her own parents, who were so much the opposite. ‘What else can you tell me about them?’
‘They were teachers; she in the local primary, and he ended up Head of Bristol Grammar. They loved children and knew what made them tick. Lucky for me.’ His affection for them was obvious and prompted a squeeze of envy in Hope. ‘I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know, but the point was I knew I’d been chosen because I was special, that I was meant to be part of their family.’ He laughed. ‘Nobody cared how I’d got there. The fact I was there was enough.’
‘Are you married? I’m sorry. I’ve so many questions.’
‘Me, too. You don’t need to apologize.’ That smile again. She had a sudden glimpse of his father. ‘Shall we take it in turns for a while, and then meet again to carry on and decide what to do next?’
‘Next?’ She didn’t want to think about the difficulties that lay ahead of them.
‘Well, yes.’ He seemed surprised by the question. ‘I mean, I’d like to find my father too and I’ll need your help for that if you’ll give it to me.’
Her stomach turned over.
‘But he doesn’t know about you.’ The thought of telling him terrified her.
‘Doesn’t? Do you mean you still know him?’
She shook her head, appalled by her own lie. But what else could she do? She had left it too long not to go on lying, however unforgivable that was. It would be too damaging to all concerned. She watched Patrick’s face cloud over.
‘He did exactly what I’d been frightened of – met another woman at college, and broke off our relationship.’ She stayed as close to the truth as she dared, although she was aware she was tying herself in knots. ‘I was devastated. My parents, even my mother, who knew everything I’d been through, were relieved. We told no one what had happened.’
‘They sound controlling.’ But, from the tone of his voice, it wasn’t a criticism.
She shrugged. ‘They were. Different times. They just wanted the best for us, I know that now. But back then I didn’t. As soon as I could, I packed my bags and went to Brighton where a friend of mine had moved to. There was a bedroom in her flat going, so I stayed with her and started a new life, working in cafés and restaurant kitchens. While I was there, I really began to get interested in food and catering, so eventually I did a diploma in professional cookery. I worked in one restaurant after another but after nine years or so, Mum died and Dad got cancer, and despite everything, I felt it was my duty to help him. I saw an ad for a job in Truro so I went back there as a sous chef where I could help look after him as well.’
‘So you never told my father that I existed?’ His eyes were wide with disbelief.
‘I couldn’t.’ She put her head in her hands, overwhelmed by the situation, by seeing it from his perspective. Opening herself up to him was leading her into deeper waters than she had wanted to go. Why hadn’t she thought more carefully about the possible ramifications of her decision to see him? She had been driven by emotion, not reason.
‘I do need to find him,’ Patrick said. ‘At least tell me his full name.’
‘I can’t.’ Her voice caught in her throat.
‘But surely…’ His expression showed what he thought of her reticence. ‘This is such a big deal for me.’
‘You don’t understand. You’ve no idea what my life was like then. And you know nothing about my relationship with him.’ A spark of anger had ignited in her. Who was he to come looking for her, and then criticize her when all she had done – was doing – was to act in a way that she believed to be for everyone’s best? She had kept her decades-long secret for a reason, and she couldn’t give it up now.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’ He raised his hands, conciliatory. ‘I haven’t come here for a fight.’
She acknowledged his apology with a nod. But…
The thought of what she had regretted and been frightened of for years loomed ahead of her. Everyone made mistakes, but some much bigger than others. She was one of those people with the big mistakes. ‘You don’t know what you’re asking. For all you know, this might overturn his whole life.’
‘But you have another son.’
‘Yes. Paul.’ She nodded. ‘That’s his wife over there, having a business lunch. They’ve two adorable daughters.’ How would Paul react when he discovered Patrick’s existence? She couldn’t keep her first son a secret from her second any longer.
‘I’ve another brother. Wow!’ His face lit up. ‘A whole new family.’
His expression buoyed her up. ‘Look, isn’t it my turn to ask you a few things?’
‘Of course. More wine, or coffee?’
‘Coffee. Thanks.’ Hope was relieved to be given a break while the waiter cleared the table, having to be reassured there was nothing wrong with the uneaten food, while she got ready to ask Patrick some of the questions she had waited all her life to ask and to listen to the replies.
To hear the story of her eldest son’s life.
14
As soon as Daniel had set off on his bike, flushed with wine and the success of their meeting, Edie took out her phone.
‘Ana. Are you busy?’
Ana’s job could be demanding and difficult too. In charge of the women’s fashion and accessory ranges, she had high standards to maintain and staff to look after.
‘Yeah. What’s up? Aren’t you at work?’
‘I’m on my way back to chambers but was wondering if we might meet for a drink when you’ve finished?’ She couldn’t go straight home after what had happened.
‘A drink? Sure. I’ll be glad to get out of here. Quick one, though.’
‘Great. Me, too. I’ll meet you at six. At the usual.’
‘Don’t you want to put the kiddywinks to bed?’
‘Not tonight. Paul will and I’ll catch up with them in the morning.’ As she walked briskly back to her chambers, she reflected on whether it was unnatural not to be drawn home like a magnet, dashing off as soon as she could get away. Truth be told, she would rather meet Ana or network with her colleagues than play bath-time games. Did that make her an unfit mother? However much she loved her girls, perhaps that wasn’t enough. If there was an opportunity to escape, she would take it. Following in her own mother’s footsteps, she supposed. Her mind elsewhere, she stepped between two parked cars to cross the road, narrowly avoiding a speeding cyclist who shouted something and gave her the finger.
* * *
Once her eyes had adjusted to the dim light, Edie spotted Ana at one of the tables round the sunken bar, scrolling through something on her phone. The wine bar was virtually empty so early in the evening. Framed French posters were displayed on the wood-panelled walls and a large station clock took pride of place beside the long bar. The music was so quiet it was almost inaudible.
Ana looked up as Edie slid into her seat. ‘What’s so important it can’t wait?’ She scrutinized Edie’s face. ‘Don’t tell me: Daniel wouldn’t accept your knock-back?’
Edie took the glass of wine that Ana had already ordered for her. ‘It’s not about that. You’ll never guess who else was in the restaurant.’
‘If I’m not going to guess, you’d better tell me.’
‘Hope!’ Edie couldn’t keep the triumphant note out of her voice.
‘And?’ Ana was impatient.
‘With a man. A much younger one.’ She could still picture him: tall, dark-haired, slightly greying, lightly tanned and casually dressed for the summer.
‘So? He could have been anyone.’
‘True. But her face when she spotted me! She wasn’t happy at all – obviously didn’t want to be seen.’ Even less so when Edie had walked past them on the way to the Ladies; they’d been holding hands and Hope was teary-eyed.
‘So who do you think he was?’
‘I’m going to find out.’ Edie wondered why Ana didn’t sound more interested.
‘Does it really matter? He was probably just a guy she knows from work, or a client. I’m more interested in you.’
Edie made a snap decision. If she was going to continue seeing Daniel, this time absolutely nobody must know, not even Ana this time. That was the only way she would be able to keep her marriage intact but still continue their relationship. She couldn’t let him go again. That was decided.
‘I told Daniel it was over.’
‘And?’
Edie twisted her glass in a circle as if she was thinking. ‘And he was upset, angry.’
‘But not so upset that he cut it short and left?’ Ana looked at her curiously. ‘Are you telling me the truth? You’d better be.’
‘I am. Honestly. We didn’t get to the point till after we’d eaten.’
‘You kept him hanging on all that time? I don’t believe you.’ She knew Edie too well.
But Edie was determined to stick to her guns. ‘It was difficult. I didn’t know how to bring it up, and then I saw Hope. But, you know, I think he was playing for time too. In the end, he said that he’d come to the same conclusion. He doesn’t want to leave his wife and kid.’ That much was true. At least she assumed it was, but they hadn’t ever really had that conversation. Both of them were too scared of what would result. She felt terrible lying to her friend, but this was the only way she could see of protecting herself.
‘So he dumped you, in fact?’
She couldn’t allow that. ‘No! We came to a mutual agreement. Nice while it lasted but there was too much at stake.’
‘Hmmm.’ Ana clearly wasn’t convinced. ‘If you say so.’
‘I do.’ Edie stamped the lie with authority. ‘Neither of us were happy but we’ve got to accept the situation.’ This was awful. She felt more reprehensible with every word.
Ana drained her glass. ‘Well done you, then. But listen, I should go. I need to pack for Venice tomorrow.’
‘Venice? You never said.’
‘I’m off to see some glassware being blown on Murano. Then I’m popping to Florence to see a ceramicist. Both making beautiful things just perfect for the store. I’ll be back in two days.’ She pulled a face. ‘I’m supposed to be organizing my fortieth but what with Italy and then a fortnight in America, I think I’m going to have to postpone it.’
‘Oh, don’t do that. We all want to celebrate with you. You must have already organized most of it.’
‘I’ve reserved a private room in that new women’s club in Bloomsbury, the Firebird, but I haven’t finalized the invitations, food, drink or flowers. I just can’t see myself getting it done now.’
‘Let me do that for you.’ At least Edie could offer her friend some support.
‘Don’t be daft. You’re so busy now you’re back at work.’
‘Not so busy that I can’t find time to help you. Let me. It would be fun. You’ll have to tell me who to invite though.’ She wanted to help, and it salved her conscience about lying to her.
Ana looked uncertain. ‘We-ell, if you’re sure.’
‘One hundred per cent. All you have to do is turn up.’
‘That would be amazing. I accept, then.’ Her whole face had brightened. ‘But I’ll give you a budget so you don’t go mad.’
Edie laughed. ‘You can give me anything you like, but consider it done.’
‘Thanks so much. I’ll email you the details of what I’ve done so far.’ She stood up to go, bending to kiss her friend’s cheek. ‘And… I’m glad you’ve agreed to break it off. You really have, haven’t you?’
‘Yes. What do I have to say to convince you?’
‘Nothing. I’ll take your word for it, and love you and leave you.’ Ana held her skirt on each side and did a little wiggle to straighten the dress.
* * *
The journey home provided Edie with ample time to think through her day. By the time she opened the front door, she was quite clear. Having an affair with Daniel didn’t mean she wanted to leave Paul. She loved both men in their different ways and her relationship with Daniel gave her what she needed to keep her content in her marriage. That was surely enough to justify it. If she made sure no one found out, no one would be hurt. And the only person who had seen Daniel and her together was Hope. She would have to put an end to her suspicions.
That evening, once she and Paul had eaten a scratch supper, Paul disappeared to spend time doing admin. His habit was to leave things until the last minute and then to blitz the lot in a night or two. Edie took him a coffee and kissed his forehead.
‘You’ve no idea how much I hate this side of the business.’ He indicated the screen filled with an Excel spreadsheet dotted with figures and names.
‘I have every idea. I’m just grateful our clerks do most of it at work.’ She laughed and patted his shoulder.
Shutting the door behind her, she went outside to sit on the terrace. She always loved this time of year. Barbecue smells drifted across the ranks of terraced gardens, voices at a party floated over from somewhere down the road, along with the distant throb of music. She inhaled the scent of the roses that climbed all along the trellis they shared with their neighbours. She took out her phone and went over what she wanted to say, then brought up Hope’s number.
‘Edie?’ Hope sounded apprehensive.
‘Yes. Did you have a good lunch?’ Brisk and business-like, that was the way to do it.
‘Yes, lovely thanks.’ Hope sounded unsure.
‘I wondered if we could meet?’
‘Can’t we talk now, over the phone?’ Hope’s voice sounded stronger.
‘I thought it might be good to chat again, you know, to clear the air. I’ll treat you.’
‘Well, okay.’ Her mother-in-law’s reluctance was obvious. ‘I have to go into town tomorrow. Shall we grab a coffee at that café in the Fields in the afternoon?’
‘Perfect.’ It was good of Hope to think of her working day. ‘I’m in the High Court tomorrow but we finish at four thirty. So we could meet at five-ish, say?’ She’d be late for bedtime again, but she should get there in time to say goodnight, if not for the whole routine.
They said their goodbyes as Paul emerged from the house. ‘What are you doing out here?’ He walked across the garden and put his arm round her.
‘Just thinking, and praying that Hazel sleeps through tonight. Have you finished?’
‘Not exactly, but I’ll do some more tomorrow. I just felt like a bit of us-time.’
Despite everything, she felt herself relax into him.
‘Shall we sit out here for a bit?’
‘I’d like that.’ She was right to have lied about Daniel to Ana. This was a boat she didn’t want to rock. The cushioned wicker sofa creaked under their weight as they sat down together.
‘Good day?’
‘Quiet, preparing for tomorrow, going over how I’m going to present the case. A fourteen-year-old boy has asked to overturn the previous court access agreements so he can move out from his mother, who’s now an alcoholic, and move in with his dad. She’s fighting like a lioness.’
‘I don’t blame him.’ He slipped his arm around her shoulders. ‘You haven’t been back at work long but I can see how involved you’re getting already.’
‘I am. I’ve a huge feeling of responsibility. I have to do my best for people because the courts’ decisions can be life-changing and sometimes they’re hard to accept.’ Anyone must be able to understand that.
