Complete Works of D.H. Lawrence, page 629
At last, however, the war came. In his turn, Hadrian joined up and came to Europe. The Rockleys saw nothing of him. They lived on, just the same, in the Pottery House. Ted Rockley was dying of a sort of dropsy, and in his heart he wanted to see the boy. When the armistice was signed, Hadrian had a long leave, and wrote that he was coming home to the Pottery House.
The girls were terribly fluttered. To tell the truth, they were a little afraid of Hadrian. Matilda, tall and thin, was frail in her health, both girls were worn with nursing their father. To have Hadrian, a young man of twenty-one, in the house with them, after he had left them so coldly five years before, was a trying circumstance.
They were in a flutter. Emmie persuaded her father to have his bed made finally in the morning-room downstairs, whilst his room upstairs was prepared for Hadrian. This was done, and preparations were going on for the arrival, when, at ten o’clock in the morning the young man suddenly turned up, quite unexpectedly. Cousin Emmie, with her hair bobbed up in absurd little bobs round her forehead, was busily polishing the stair-rods, while Cousin Matilda was in the kitchen washing the drawing-room ornaments in a lather, her sleeves rolled back on her thin arms, and her head tied up oddly and coquettishly in a duster.
Cousin Matilda blushed deep with mortification when the self-possessed young man walked in with his kit-bag, and put his cap on the sewing machine. He was little and self-confident, with a curious neatness about him that still suggested the Charity Institution. His face was brown, he had a small moustache, he was vigorous enough in his smallness.
‘Well, is it Hadrian!’ exclaimed Cousin Matilda, wringing the lather off her hand. ‘We didn’t expect you till tomorrow.’
‘I got off Monday night,’ said Hadrian, glancing round the room.
‘Fancy!’ said Cousin Matilda. Then, having dried her hands, she went forward, held out her hand, and said:
‘How are you?’
‘Quite well, thank you,’ said Hadrian.
‘You’re quite a man,’ said Cousin Matilda.
Hadrian glanced at her. She did not look her best: so thin, so large-nosed, with that pink-and-white checked duster tied round her head. She felt her disadvantage. But she had had a good deal of suffering and sorrow, she did not mind any more.
The servant entered — one that did not know Hadrian.
‘Come and see my father,’ said Cousin Matilda.
In the hall they roused Cousin Emmie like a partridge from cover. She was on the stairs pushing the bright stair-rods into place. Instinctively her hand went to the little knobs, her front hair bobbed on her forehead.
‘Why!’ she exclaimed, crossly. ‘What have you come today for?’
‘I got off a day earlier,’ said Hadrian, and his man’s voice so deep and unexpected was like a blow to Cousin Emmie.
‘Well, you’ve caught us in the midst of it,’ she said, with resentment. Then all three went into the middle room.
Mr. Rockley was dressed — that is, he had on his trousers and socks — but he was resting on the bed, propped up just under the window, from whence he could see his beloved and resplendent garden, where tulips and apple-trees were ablaze. He did not look as ill as he was, for the water puffed him up, and his face kept its colour. His stomach was much swollen. He glanced round swiftly, turning his eyes without turning his head. He was the wreck of a handsome, well-built man.
Seeing Hadrian, a queer, unwilling smile went over his face. The young man greeted him sheepishly.
‘You wouldn’t make a life-guardsman,’ he said. ‘Do you want something to eat?’
Hadrian looked round — as if for the meal.
‘I don’t mind,’ he said.
‘What shall you have — egg and bacon?’ asked Emmie shortly.
‘Yes, I don’t mind,’ said Hadrian.
The sisters went down to the kitchen, and sent the servant to finish the stairs.
‘Isn’t he altered?’ said Matilda, sotto voce.
‘Isn’t he!’ said Cousin Emmie. ‘What a little man!’
They both made a grimace, and laughed nervously.
‘Get the frying-pan,’ said Emmie to Matilda.
‘But he’s as cocky as ever,’ said Matilda, narrowing her eyes and shaking her head knowingly, as she handed the frying-pan.
‘Mannie!’ said Emmie sarcastically. Hadrian’s new-fledged, cock-sure manliness evidently found no favour in her eyes.
‘Oh, he’s not bad,’ said Matilda. ‘You don’t want to be prejudiced against him.’
I’m not prejudiced against him, I think he’s all right for looks,’ said Emmie, ‘but there’s too much of the little mannie about him.’
‘Fancy catching us like this,’ said Matilda.
‘They’ve no thought for anything,’ said Emmie with contempt. ‘You go up and get dressed, our Matilda. I don’t care about him. I can see to things, and you can talk to him. I shan’t.’
‘He’ll talk to my father,’ said Matilda, meaningful.
‘Sly — !’ exclaimed Emmie, with a grimace.
The sisters believed that Hadrian had come hoping to get something out of their father — hoping for a legacy. And they were not at all sure he would not get it.
Matilda went upstairs to change. She had thought it all out how she would receive Hadrian, and impress him. And he had caught her with her head tied up in a duster, and her thin arms in a basin of lather. But she did not care. She now dressed herself most scrupulously, carefully folded her long, beautiful, blonde hair, touched her pallor with a little rouge, and put her long string of exquisite crystal beads over her soft green dress. Now she looked elegant, like a heroine in a magazine illustration, and almost as unreal.
She found Hadrian and her father talking away. The young man was short of speech as a rule, but he could find his tongue with his ‘uncle’. They were both sipping a glass of brandy, and smoking, and chatting like a pair of old cronies. Hadrian was telling about Canada. He was going back there when his leave was up.
‘You wouldn’t like to stop in England, then?’ said Mr. Rockley.
‘No, I wouldn’t stop in England,’ said Hadrian.
‘How’s that? There’s plenty of electricians here,’ said Mr. Rockley.
‘Yes. But there’s too much difference between the men and the employers over here — too much of that for me,’ said Hadrian.
The sick man looked at him narrowly, with oddly smiling eyes.
‘That’s it, is it?’ he replied.
Matilda heard and understood. ‘So that’s your big idea, is it, my little man,’ she said to herself. She had always said of Hadrian that he had no proper respect for anybody or anything, that he was sly and common. She went down to the kitchen for a sotto voce confab with Emmie.
‘He thinks a rare lot of himself!’ she whispered.
‘He’s somebody, he is!’ said Emmie with contempt.
‘He thinks there’s too much difference between masters and men, over here,’ said Matilda.
‘Is it any different in Canada?’ asked Emmie.
‘Oh, yes — democratic,’ replied Matilda, ‘He thinks they’re all on a level over there.’
‘Ay, well he’s over here now,’ said Emmie dryly, ‘so he can keep his place.’
As they talked they saw the young man sauntering down the garden, looking casually at the flowers. He had his hands in his pockets, and his soldier’s cap neatly on his head. He looked quite at his ease, as if in possession. The two women, fluttered, watched him through the window.
‘We know what he’s come for,’ said Emmie, churlishly. Matilda looked a long time at the neat khaki figure. It had something of the charity-boy about it still; but now it was a man’s figure, laconic, charged with plebeian energy. She thought of the derisive passion in his voice as he had declaimed against the propertied classes, to her father.
‘You don’t know, Emmie. Perhaps he’s not come for that,’ she rebuked her sister. They were both thinking of the money.
They were still watching the young soldier. He stood away at the bottom of the garden, with his back to them, his hands in his pockets, looking into the water of the willow pond. Matilda’s dark-blue eyes had a strange, full look in them, the lids, with the faint blue veins showing, dropped rather low. She carried her head light and high, but she had a look of pain. The young man at the bottom of the garden turned and looked up the path. Perhaps he saw them through the window. Matilda moved into shadow.
That afternoon their father seemed weak and ill. He was easily exhausted. The doctor came, and told Matilda that the sick man might die suddenly at any moment — but then he might not. They must be prepared.
So the day passed, and the next. Hadrian made himself at home. He went about in the morning in his brownish jersey and his khaki trousers, collarless, his bare neck showing. He explored the pottery premises, as if he had some secret purpose in so doing, he talked with Mr. Rockley, when the sick man had strength. The two girls were always angry when the two men sat talking together like cronies. Yet it was chiefly a kind of politics they talked.
On the second day after Hadrian’s arrival, Matilda sat with her father in the evening. She was drawing a picture which she wanted to copy. It was very still, Hadrian was gone out somewhere, no one knew where, and Emmie was busy. Mr. Rockley reclined on his bed, looking out in silence over his evening-sunny garden.
‘If anything happens to me, Matilda,’ he said, ‘you won’t sell this house — you’ll stop here — ’
Matilda’s eyes took their slightly haggard look as she stared at her father.
‘Well, we couldn’t do anything else,’ she said.
‘You don’t know what you might do,’ he said. ‘Everything is left to you and Emmie, equally. You’do as you like with it — only don’t sell this house, don’t part with it.’
‘No,’ she said.
‘And give Hadrian my watch and chain, and a hundred pounds out of what’s in the bank — and help him if he ever wants helping. I haven’t put his name in the will.’
‘Your watch and chain, and a hundred pounds — yes. But you’ll be here when he goes back to Canada, father.’
‘You never know what’ll happen,’ said her father.
Matilda sat and watched him, with her full, haggard eyes, for a long time, as if tranced. She saw that he knew he must go soon — she saw like a clairvoyant.
Later on she told Emmie what her father had said about the watch and chain and the money.
‘What right has he’ — he — meaning Hadrian — ’to my father’s watch and chain — what has it to do with him? Let him have the money, and get off,’ said Emmie. She loved her father.
That night Matilda sat late in her room. Her heart was anxious and breaking, her mind seemed entranced. She was too much entranced even to weep, and all the time she thought of her father, only her father. At last she felt she must go to him.
It was near midnight. She went along the passage and to his room. There was a faint light from the moon outside. She listened at his door. Then she softly opened and entered. The room was faintly dark. She heard a movement on the bed.
‘Are you asleep?’ she said softly, advancing to the side of the bed.
‘Are you asleep?’ she repeated gently, as she stood at the side of the bed. And she reached her hand in the darkness to touch his forehead. Delicately, her fingers met the nose and the eyebrows, she laid her fine, delicate hand on his brow. It seemed fresh and smooth — very fresh and smooth. A sort of surprise stirred her, in her entranced state. But it could not waken her. Gently, she leaned over the bed and stirred her fingers over the low-growing hair on his brow.
‘Can’t you sleep tonight?’ she said.
There was a quick stirring in the bed. ‘Yes, I can,’ a voice answered. It was Hadrian’s voice. She started away. Instantly, she was wakened from her late-at-night trance. She remembered that her father was downstairs, that Hadrian had his room. She stood in the darkness as if stung.
‘It is you, Hadrian?’ she said. ‘I thought it was my father.’ She was so startled, so shocked, that she could not move. The young man gave an uncomfortable laugh, and turned in his bed.
At last she got out of the room. When she was back in her own room, in the light, and her door was closed, she stood holding up her hand that had touched him, as if it were hurt. She was almost too shocked, she could not endure.
‘Well,’ said her calm and weary mind, ‘it was only a mistake, why take any notice of it.’
But she could not reason her feelings so easily. She suffered, feeling herself in a false position. Her right hand, which she had laid so gently on his face, on his fresh skin, ached now, as if it were really injured. She could not forgive Hadrian for the mistake: it made her dislike him deeply.
Hadrian too slept badly. He had been awakened by the opening of the door, and had not realized what the question meant. But the soft, straying tenderness of her hand on his face startled something out of his soul. He was a charity boy, aloof and more or less at bay. The fragile exquisiteness of her caress startled him most, revealed unknown things to him.
In the morning she could feel the consciousness in his eyes, when she came downstairs. She tried to bear herself as if nothing at all had happened, and she succeeded. She had the calm self-control, self-indifference, of one who has suffered and borne her suffering. She looked at him from her darkish, almost drugged blue eyes, she met the spark of consciousness in his eyes, and quenched it. And with her long, fine hand she put the sugar in his coffee.
But she could not control him as she thought she could. He had a keen memory stinging his mind, a new set of sensations working in his consciousness. Something new was alert in him. At the back of his reticent, guarded mind he kept his secret alive and vivid. She was at his mercy, for he was unscrupulous, his standard was not her standard.
He looked at her curiously. She was not beautiful, her nose was too large, her chin was too small, her neck was too thin. But her skin was clear and fine, she had a high-bred sensitiveness. This queer, brave, high-bred quality she shared with her father. The charity boy could see it in her tapering fingers, which were white and ringed. The same glamour that he knew in the elderly man he now saw in the woman. And he wanted to possess himself of it, he wanted to make himself master of it. As he went about through the old pottery-yard, his secretive mind schemed and worked. To be master of that strange soft delicacy such as he had felt in her hand upon his face, — this was what he set himself towards. He was secretly plotting.
He watched Matilda as she went about, and she became aware of his attention, as of some shadow following her. But her pride made her ignore it. When he sauntered near her, his hands in his pockets, she received him with that same commonplace kindliness which mastered him more than any contempt. Her superior breeding seemed to control him. She made herself feel towards him exactly as she had always felt: he was a young boy who lived in the house with them, but was a stranger. Only, she dared not remember his face under her hand. When she remembered that, she was bewildered. Her hand had offended her, she wanted to cut it off. And she wanted, fiercely, to cut off the memory in him. She assumed she had done so.
One day, when he sat talking with his ‘uncle’, he looked straight into the eyes of the sick man, and said:
‘But I shouldn’t like to live and die here in Rawsley.’
‘No — well — you needn’t,’ said the sick man.
‘Do you think Cousin Matilda likes it?’
‘I should think so.’
‘I don’t call it much of a life,’ said the youth. ‘How much older is she than me, Uncle?’
The sick man looked at the young soldier.
‘A good bit,’ he said.
‘Over thirty?’ said Hadrian.
‘Well, not so much. She’s thirty-two.’
Hadrian considered a while.
‘She doesn’t look it,’ he said.
Again the sick father looked at him.
‘Do you think she’d like to leave here?’ said Hadrian.
‘Nay, I don’t know,’ replied the father, restive.
Hadrian sat still, having his own thoughts. Then in a small, quiet voice, as if he were speaking from inside himself, he said:
‘I’d marry her if you wanted me to.’
The sick man raised his eyes suddenly, and stared. He stared for a long time. The youth looked inscrutably out of the window.
‘You!’ said the sick man, mocking, with some contempt. Hadrian turned and met his eyes. The two men had an inexplicable understanding.
‘If you wasn’t against it,’ said Hadrian.
‘Nay,’ said the father, turning aside, ‘I don’t think I’m against it. I’ve never thought of it. But — But Emmie’s the youngest.’
He had flushed, and looked suddenly more alive. Secretly he loved the boy.
‘You might ask her,’ said Hadrian.
The elder man considered.
‘Hadn’t you better ask her yourself?’ he said.
‘She’d take more notice of you,’ said Hadrian.
They were both silent. Then Emmie came in.
For two days Mr. Rockley was excited and thoughtful. Hadrian went about quietly, secretly, unquestioning. At last the father and daughter were alone together. It was very early morning, the father had been in much pain. As the pain abated, he lay still, thinking.
‘Matilda!’ he said suddenly, looking at his daughter.
‘Yes, I’m here,’ she said.
‘Ay! I want you to do something — ’
She rose in anticipation.
‘Nay, sit still. I want you to marry Hadrian — ’
She thought he was raving. She rose, bewildered and frightened.
‘Nay, sit you still, sit you still. You hear what I tell you.’
