Rumspringa's Hope, page 7
“You talk like you want to be back here.”
Emma chided herself. She shouldn’t keep meddling. It wasn’t her business to say things that wouldn’t be answered the way she hoped they would be. He was content with his life, and she had to accept that.
“I do sometimes. But I can’t leave what God has asked me to do, even if it doesn’t always feel right sometimes.”
“You mean you’re not sure if you should be in the city?” Emma’s stomach lurched again. She forced herself to squelch the selfish excitement she felt hearing him question his calling. This community wasn’t home for him anymore, so she needed to let go of any thoughts that it would be again.
“I get confused when I come back here.” He looked down at her mittens. “But it wouldn’t be the same if I came to stay.”
She kept her eyes on him until he looked up at her. “I never pictured you with Zeb. I figured you’d be with someone, but not him.”
She hadn’t either and hearing him say it made the reality of her future even more questionable. Zeb had filled the void after a lonely time of losing Caleb. She’d never really had any time in between. “He was there for me when I needed someone.”
Caleb slowly turned away. “I’m sorry I left you like I did. It was the only way I could make myself leave. Even one more minute with you and I would have changed my mind.”
A smoldering fire began to build in her heart. She didn’t want to hear his words. They left her confused even more than she already had been. She couldn’t trust herself to discern what and why Caleb was saying all this, but she wouldn’t be his victim again. He’d broken her heart once. She wouldn’t be stupid enough to let him do it a second time.
“Your companion is your work.” She stared straight at him. “Maybe that’s enough for you.”
His brow furrowed, and he dropped his head and hands over his knees. When he looked up, his ruddy face was tight with either anger or sadness. She couldn’t tell which. She thought of apologizing, but she didn’t know what for. What she said was true.
“My bottom is wet from the snow.”
A small chuckle bubbled out of him, and he held out a hand to help her up.
She reluctantly accepted and stood next to him. “Why did you come over this morning?”
He was quiet, watching the activity on the pond, and then turned to answer her. “I lost a year. For some reason I thought I could bring it back.”
Her angry thoughts kept her captive as if the devil himself was willing her away from Caleb. He didn’t owe her anything—nothing that could be replaced, anyway.
She physically shook and stared up at him. “I guess I’m still bitter, Caleb. I didn’t realize until now.”
“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
She nodded. “I should go.”
“Can I walk you—?”
“Nee. But danke.” She found her feet moving ahead much faster than her mind, and before she knew it, she was home. In the time it took her to make it back to the farm, she’d stuffed away his tempting words. Now, she would have the noon meal to prepare. That would keep her mind off of the conversation they’d just had.
She walked into the haus and washed up to start making some biscuits. Mamm came in with bottles of milk, Maria behind her. “Where have you been?”
“Over at the pond. Did you need me?”
“Nee, but we did need the eggs.” Mamm set the glass bottles on the counter and wiped her hands on her apron.
“Ach, I left them in the hen haus.”
Mamm made a motion with her hand to scoot Emma along. “I hope no critters got into them.”
Emma grabbed her coat and moved quickly to the chicken coop. Caleb had put them on top of the chicken lofts when he gave her his gloves. She looked down at Hilda, who was watching her intently as Emma leaned against the doorjamb. She wondered why Gott had separated her from Caleb. They connected so well.
She felt comfortable going on the trip for Mark’s sake and with deep hope that she might also find an opportunity to change hearts. But she was not comfortable if her desire to go was because of Caleb. How could she know? How could she be honest about her feelings? She sighed, hoping she wouldn’t get into a situation that she would regret.
Something told her it might be too late.
Chapter Eleven
Caleb didn’t like the way he’d left things with Emma and decided to check on her. Before he could make it to the house, he thought he heard something in the barn. Caleb moved toward the sound quickly and quietly, remaining still enough to hear the noise. A slight moan came from one of the stalls. He peered in to see Maria kneeling on the straw-covered ground. Dun, a large workhorse, stood close by. He slowly moved his huge head toward Caleb as if to protect Maria. Her eyes were closed, and her bottom lip trembled. Whatever was causing this anguish was consuming her.
“Maria?” Caleb whispered.
She sucked in air and whipped her head over toward him. “Caleb.” She pushed off the ground to stand but he stopped her with an outreached hand.
“Don’t get up. I’ll sit with you.” The stall door creaked as he let himself in and gave Dun a pat to his hide. He took her hand and waited until her chest stopped heaving. Emma had often told him how fragile she was, and he knew as much, but never like this. “Do you feel like talking?”
“I don’t want Emma to leave. I don’t want to go with Mark, but I don’t want her to go either.” She caught her breath, and a hiccup popped out as she lifted a hand to her lips.
Caleb’s heart skipped when he heard those words. He’d hoped but now knew that Emma would be with him in the city. For how long and why he didn’t know or care. He’d take any time she had to give.
“It would be very different without your brother and sister here. But they’ll be back, sooner than you think.” He believed what he said. Mark’s bravado couldn’t touch what was out there in the city. He would either dive in with both barrels and get himself into trouble or stick his tail between his legs and go home.
Would Emma be right behind him or would she stay and evangelize? A selfish part of him wished she was going to be with him. When they spent time together it was as if he’d never left.
“I didn’t say anything about Mark. He’s the reason Emma’s going.” She wrapped her arms around her waist. “I hate him for it.”
Her pinched face and tight lips gave warning to Caleb not to correct her, tell her she might regret what she said. Maria needed to vent, so he let her, whether it was good or bad. He’d learned not to tell anyone how to feel or what to do about their situation. They knew but didn’t want to say the words. I’m sorry. Or I’ll change.
“Your mom and Martha are going to need you more than ever. You’re a good sister, Maria. This will give you special time to bond with them.” He tried to think of the positive and hoped Maria would too. But her pale skin and the dark rings under her eyes didn’t give him much encouragement. She was distraught, missing her sister before she’d even left.
Maria sat back, leaning to the side and holding herself up with one hand. “You make it sound easy.”
“You have to let go of this, Maria. Your sister has more of a reason to go than you know. So don’t be upset with your brother.” He picked up a piece of straw, wrapping it around his finger. He missed working the earth and growing crop. There was something spiritual about the process that drew him closer to the Lord, creation, and all its bounty.
“What do you mean?” Her forehead wrinkled, her curiosity piqued.
“Has she told you she wants to go on missions?” He didn’t feel it was wrong to tell Maria this. He knew if Emma had seen how upset Maria was, she would do whatever it took to make her feel right about Emma going. And he would do the same.
“She’d mentioned it, but I didn’t ever expect her to.” She paused and frowned. “Is that what Emma thinks she will do in the city?” She shook her head. “You can’t let her, Caleb. There are bad people there. She could get hurt. You wouldn’t want her to get hurt, Caleb.” Her pale cheeks grew red, and she sat up, anxious.
“There are more good than bad in Philly, Maria. It’s not Sodom and Gomorrah.” Caleb grinned and touched her arm. “She wants to evangelize to the people there.”
Maria stuck her bottom lip up, much like a child who wasn’t getting her way. “I can’t argue with that. I don’t understand it, but it would be wrong of me to ask her not to go if that’s her reason.”
“So you won’t go headlong after your brother over this?” Caleb chuckled, which made her grin. “Finally, a smile.”
“I still blame him, Caleb.” She fidgeted with discomfort. “My legs are going numb.”
Caleb stood and helped her up. He hadn’t seen Maria this way before. She was normally peaceful, calm, and ignorantly content. This resentment worried him, more for her sake than Mark’s. Mark could care less what anyone thought—an attitude Caleb hoped would dissipate some once Mark hit the city and was humbled by the experience. “You’re a sweet girl, Maria. Don’t let the evil one steal your joy.”
“If anything happens to Emma, I’ll never forgive him.” With that, she turned and walked out of the stall slowly enough for Caleb to latch the stall door and catch up with her. But the steam was rising, and he hoped it would settle before they got to the house.
“Maria.” He stopped, so she did too, and stared at him with wide eyes. “You know better than to worry about that with me there with her.
She held back her emotions with her head up and stood straight. “Keep her by your side, Caleb.”
The Amish seemed sure he was taking them in to purgatory rather than a city. Yes, there was more to contend with than in the country. But the country mouse came back only because he tried the city life and knew where he belonged. He was sure that would happen with Emma, and probably Mark too.
He shook his head slightly, thinking what the deacons must think of him if the Millers had issue with his ways. He hoped he didn’t find out. There would be no recourse for him if they did come question him.
As they came out of the barn, Emma was approaching. “Ach, Caleb, I didn’t know you were here.” The slight chill brought out the pink in her cheeks, giving off a vigorous glow. That was one of the things he missed about the country. Clean air and wholesome food made a body feel good and healthy.
“I came to see you and ran into Maria.” He glanced over at Maria, but she kept walking, her shoulders stuck straight.
Emma watched her go. “Is she all right?”
He nodded, unclear of what his role was regarding this family that he cared for so much. “Are you sure you want to do this, Emma?” It would be the last time he asked, the last time he questioned or felt the guilt for her going. What she said now was what he would go by when he was gone, when she was homesick or upset with Mark or worried about chores back at the farm.
“Jah, I am.” She didn’t waste a second with her response. He would take that response and seal it. No turning back.
“That was a firm answer.” He was pleased and ready to move on, but she seemed to have something on her mind.
“I’ve spent time with some who are going. I see the need for me to be there. They’ve confessed what they want to do. Some plans are harmless, but others have ideas that concern me. I don’t set out to be a chaperone, but there are some who will need one.” Her smile disappeared, possibly because of what she’d learned, but she didn’t shirk away from the needs she discerned from talking with them. That was a huge step in and of itself.
“So you’re ready for this?” He stuck his hands in his pockets, more excited than he should be that she was going, and sure it was mostly for selfish reasons. He would need to remind himself to be prepared for when she left him in Philly and came back to the farm, but he couldn’t help it.
“Jah, almost. I have never told anyone about my faith, Caleb. I’ve always had it, but I have not talked about it. How am I supposed to tell others when I don’t know how?” The wind whipped the strings of her prayer kapp behind her as he stared into her brown eyes.
Caleb nodded and sat on an old wooden bench by the barn doors. He patted the spot next to him. “You worry too much, Emma. You live out your faith. Think about what that is and pray for guidance that you’ll find the words. There is no one way. Each testimony is different. What’s yours?”
She frowned and stuck out her bottom lip in thought. “I can’t ever remember not believing. I’ve always been a child of Gott.”
He shrugged. “Then say that. I heard one pastor say the doctor slapped him on the bottom the day he was born and he said, ‘Jesus,’ and he’s been saying it ever since.”
She giggled. “That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“But it’s true for those of us who were born into a Christian family.”
Emma was still smiling when she nodded. “Sometimes I think it’s a disadvantage that we didn’t have the opportunity to think about it before we claim it.”
He nodded. “I thought about that a lot when I went to the city for the first time. It all comes back around. We make it complicated, not God.”
“You have the answers, Caleb. I don’t.” She stared deeply into his eyes.
He wished he knew what she was thinking. He hoped it was something good but couldn’t tell by her expression.
“I’ve learned how to express what I feel and believe and why. But it didn’t just happen. Only after many conversations did I feel able to tell someone my story.”
They were both quiet for a moment. He was trying not to say more than he should, wanting her to come to her own conclusions. And her mind was obviously spinning with questions. “Did you ever doubt your faith?” she finally asked.
“I doubted if I was worthy. But the Word comforted me in reading some of the passages in Psalms.” He paused with a new thought. “I’m sure there are many other Amish who feel the same way you do.” He looked her in the eyes. “You could share your story with others. Share your love for God through words and actions here. It would be different, but there is a need here for those who want to find that personal relationship with their Savior.”
“I’d never thought about that.” She turned away. “I’m really scared, Caleb.” She looked straight ahead at the sun rising up over the hills.
He took her hand and looked at the golden rays with her, enjoying the silence and the warmth of her hand. He’d never known of her to be scared. It wasn’t in her to let fear control her. But for the first time he could see something different when he turned and looked in her eyes. What he saw troubled him enough to look away. Whatever it was that brought out those piercing eyes made him shiver. “What is it?”
She kept staring straight ahead. “You have courage to live in such a place, Caleb.”
He turned his attention ahead as well.
Chapter Twelve
The next day Caleb watched the sun creep above the horizon as he strolled down the gravel road to the Millers’. As the sun rose, the snow melted, which would make for a muddy mess on the festival grounds. It was the first week of March, and the festival was being held a couple weeks earlier than usual due to the forecast of heavy rains later in the month.
When Caleb arrived at the Millers’, he saw the family gathering what they were going to sell—food, quilts, and Ivan and Mark’s wood working. As Caleb got closer, he watched Rebecca place two quilts in a box. She paused, and then pulled out the top one. Caleb cocked his head to see the pattern. Each square had the name of a state with the coordinating state bird and flower. The colors were vibrant, and the intricate stitching had to have taken longer than most he’d seen—and he’d seen a lot of quilts in his time.
“You shouldn’t sell that one, Mrs. Miller,” he said, even though he knew her well enough to guess that she would. The family surely had more quilts than they needed, until weddings and babies came. Even so, the quilts would be personalized, each one made for the special occasion.
“Caleb, I didn’t know you were going to the festival with us.” Rebecca smoothed out the wrinkles and laid the quilt in with the rest.
Caleb hadn’t considered going, but now that she mentioned it, he decided it would be an excuse to spend more time with Emma before he left. Despite her intentions, he still doubted she would really leave her family and the community. So he’d planned to come by and tell her good-bye, but this would work out even better. He would miss her when he left. Being outside at the festival would give him peace, plus the food couldn’t be matched and the camaraderie would be comforting.
“Where is the rest of the crew?”
“Finishing up chores,” Rebecca said while she resumed packing the goods. As Caleb joined in with the packing, he hoped it would be a profitable day for them. He knew this was one of the few times they would attend something this big, a once-a-year family trip that would last the entire day. A good part of their income came from selling produce and homemade items, so they needed to make the best of the opportunity.
Caleb watched Emma walk onto the porch. She had to have realized halfway down the stairs that the box she carried was too heavy, but she was too stubborn to set it down, instead wobbling forward with each step. When she set her foot down, he gently reached around and pulled the box away, peeking around it to smile at her. His heart hit hard in his chest, like it had years ago when they were together.
She stopped and stared. “Caleb?”
“You don’t know your own strength. I can barely lift this thing.” He shook his head as he placed it in the back of the wagon.
She stepped forward as if to see it was really him. “When are you leaving?”
“Decided to stay awhile. Can I join you? You’ll need to take the buggy too, so I’d be glad to chauffeur you.”
Emma scoffed. “I think my daed would frown on us being together unsupervised.”
“He still hasn’t lightened up on that? We’re older than most who are married here.” He knew she really meant that her daed didn’t trust him. Before he’d left for the city, Ivan had thought highly of Caleb, but his decision to stay in Philly had soured Ivan toward him. Caleb understood to a point, but Ivan had never given him a chance to explain his true cause. Ivan had it in his head, as did many others, that he’d led the youth in the wrong direction.
