Rumspringa's Hope, page 5
“What’s on your mind?” He tilted his head to study her. She had grown up since he saw her last. Not the gangly little girl nipping at Emma’s feet. He’d never thought of her as pretty, but now she had a certain plain yet beautiful face.
“I’m glad you’re here, Caleb.” She twisted to the side, looking down the main road through the community. Her eyes stopped at her family’s farm. “I’m torn.”
“About rumspringa?” He didn’t wait for the answer. “Why do you want to go?”
“How did you know?”
“I just do. But everyone’s reason is different.”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure.” She finally looked him in the eye. “Why did you?”
He smiled. He’d always liked Maria’s manner. She had a strong way about her that created a complexity he appreciated. But he didn’t believe she was asking for herself. She was asking for Mark. Maria would never leave home.
Caleb answered her question, “My brother had it in his head that he wanted to go. My parents wanted me to go with him.”
“But he was older than you, wasn’t he?” A slight wind tugged at her kapp, and she reached up to pull it down.
Caleb chuckled at the familiar gesture.
He nodded. Most knew not to ask about his brother, but this was Emma’s sister, so he’d be patient with her. “And he had a wild side to him. My parents thought for sure he wouldn’t come back if I wasn’t there to bring him home.”
He paused and watched her eyes flicker back and forth. She was listening intently. “But he never did.”
Caleb sucked in some air and slowly released it.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” She was one of the few whose remorse seemed genuine. But even this time he knew she wanted the rest of the story.
“He’s still in Philly,” was his patent answer. No one needed any more information than that. Not even his parents knew what had really happened. He didn’t want to worry them. As far as they knew, he had lost touch with his brother. Caleb wished he had. If it wasn’t for him, Caleb would be back here, growing a family and crop. But until it was finished with Abe, he couldn’t leave Philly.
“It’s not a bad thing to do, if kept within reason. For most it confirms their choice to come back to their home, their families, and live the Amish life.”
“And for others?”
“Most of them have a hard time adjusting to the English ways. It’s so different from what we’ve grown up with.” He watched her eyes drop to the pebbled dirt under her boots. “What are you running away from?”
Her head popped up, and her eyes opened wide. “Why do you ask?”
“I’ve heard and seen just about everything over the years, including the answer you’re about to give me.” He grinned to let her know it was all right, that her secret would be his to keep. He had so many bottled up inside, he’d started keeping a journal in his head. Each one came with a face and prayer for discernment.
“Sometimes I think I’d like to get away.” She paused and turned to him. “Do you see people in the city who act like Mark?”
The look of hope in her eyes grieved him. She so desperately wanted to find answers about Mark, and she held on to so much guilt. “There is every kind of person in the city, the same as here. Only we wear hats and kapps.” He grinned, and she did too. “He just wants his independence.”
She tightened her lips. “That’s why I’m going. My mamm and daed have more than one child, but sometimes it seems as if they’ve forgotten that.”
Caleb understood her concern and frustration with her brother. He’d gone through a lot of the same things with his own brother. It was difficult to determine how much was ordinary, family differences and how much was something more. “Sometimes things get swallowed up, and no one knows where it all went or what happened. Give yourself a little more time.”
To his surprise, she moved quickly forward and hugged him. “Danke, Caleb.
“That’s what I’m here for.” He moved away.
“It is your calling now, isn’t it?” Her eyes softened.
“Unbeknownst to me, it is.” Caleb still wondered from time to time why he was chosen for this task. But in any case it wasn’t his place to question, only to do his best for the glory of God.
“Bless you, Caleb.” Maria’s words brought him back.
“And you.” He watched her go down the path he’d just came from. The Millers had much to work out, but Caleb felt they would. Maybe with one of them gone for a while, it would give Ivan and Rebecca a chance to see what the problems were and how to solve them. A break might be good for all of them. He had to admit deep down in his heart, he wished Emma would come, just long enough to see his world. But with Zeb so prominent in her life, he knew that would never happen.
There was something about Zeb that didn’t sit right with Caleb. It wasn’t fair of him to judge something he didn’t even know for sure was there, but it didn’t feel right in his gut. Zeb seemed to care about Emma, but there was a void big and wide. So why couldn’t Caleb see what it was? Maybe it was so obvious he was missing it. When it came right down to it, Caleb was probably just jealous.
He was deep in thought when he ran into Deacon Reuben. “Deacon Reuben, how are you?”
“Caleb.” He stopped in front of him and looked him in the eye. “I heard you’d been around the community. What brings you here?” He was a heavy man, and the words came out in a huff. He leaned on a walking stick as he waited for Caleb to answer.
“Just came back to visit for a while.” Caleb didn’t smile or even act cordial. He was defensive, waiting for the questions: What was he doing? Was he still a believer? Had he renounced the devil from that sinful place?
“Have you reconciled with your mamm and daed?” Reuben leaned forward, putting more weight on his stick.
“I’m staying with the Chupps while I’m here. I hope to see them before I leave.”
“I don’t know if that’s wise. Your own daed doesn’t let you stay in his haus, jah?”
So that’s what this was about—the regular checkup to catch him breaking the rules of being shunned. Most didn’t care; they accepted him and knew he was there for a short while and would leave as quickly as he came. But not Reuben. He was the deacon who followed the law to a T. There was no way around it. In Reuben’s eyes he was a sinner through and through.
Caleb had asked for forgiveness for breaking the laws of the Amish, but he wondered whether God really cared. They weren’t God’s laws, they were man’s. “No, I don’t stay at my father’s home, because I don’t want to make them have to answer to you or any of the other deacons.”
Reuben grunted and moved back as if he’d been shot. “Harsh words to a servant to the community. And from a bitter young man.”
Caleb shook his head. “You don’t serve the community, you break it down.” Caleb looked up then and met his eyes. “But you might be right about being bitter.”
He could go into detail, explain what he meant. But it didn’t matter. Reuben would take what he wanted from this meeting and throw away the rest. Caleb couldn’t do anything right in the man’s eyes, so he stopped trying. The bitterness came from not being accepted. Reuben had no idea how much he longed to be working the farm with his family. “See ya, Reuben.”
“Ach!” Reuben turned and strolled away.
Caleb walked down the main road, the one that went by all of the farms in the community. It would take a while to get to the house he wanted, but his feet took him there, regardless. It was as if his body took over his mind because he was on damage control.
He felt like an outcast here. Ironic that he would feel the worst around people who were supposed to be the most accepting and Christlike. But instead, the drunks, homeless, and lost in the city were the people who tried so hard to get their lives together, and they accepted him unconditionally because that’s how he accepted them.
He saw the white silo first, and after passing the hill, the red barn. The farm was picture-perfect, as always. Chickens roamed about, pecking the ground, and the milk cows mooed their protest as milking time approached. He’d lost track of time, engrossed in his self-pity. He snapped out of it and walked to the house. As he got closer, he noticed his youngest brother, now old enough to carry a bale of hay to the barn. He sighed, remembering everything he’d missed—seeing his brothers grow up and his grandfather before he died.
He didn’t think, just kept going and wouldn’t let himself stop until he got to the door. His oldest brother stopped with pitchfork in hand and watched him approach. It would be awkward at first, but he was sure soon enough, they’d be telling tales and reminiscing about the stunts they did as kids. Mamm would cover her cheeks or suck in a breath like she’d never heard them, and his daed would smile and shake his head. His family loved him, and he loved them. He had missed them more than he could say.
But the person he had missed the most was Emma.
Chapter Eight
The afternoon snow slowly began to fall, which drew many to the frozen pond. Snowmen popped up and some imaginative prankster gave one a cane and a kapp likely snatched from his own mamm. The large drifts and white fields sparkled from the intense rays, shimmering like diamonds.
The farmers buzzed with conversation after church service, looking forward to planting season. Emma watched, listening to their excitement, and realized she hadn’t thought about what a conversation piece planting was. She thought of it as work—tilling the soil, and then going back over the fields with seed—but for them, discussion of fertilizers and what type of seed was best was a form of entertainment.
A lot of things had taken on different meanings since she had started thinking about what it would be like to be in the city. Emma was content where she was, yet curious as to what was out there. She looked forward to planting season. It meant the end of winter and the springing of new life, Easter and lilies, and her vegetable garden. Now she associated it with something new—a change in where she lived, what she would do, what she would eat, and living around people she didn’t know.
Isn’t there an easier way to share the gospel?
“You’re distracted.” Zeb’s voice cut into her thoughts “I called your name three times before you knew I was here.” He squinted into the sun with a smile.
“I’m sorry. I have a lot on my mind these days.” She looked out over the shimmering snowy field, wishing she could avoid telling him she was leaving but knowing she’d have to so he could be prepared.
“Jah, I’ve noticed. I wish you’d stop worrying yourself over nothing. Mark will be fine, and your mamm will be glad to have you here while he’s gone.” He linked their arms together and walked alongside Bishop Atlee’s dormant corn field.
“It’s not that simple, Zeb.” She didn’t know whether he wasn’t taking it seriously or whether it just wasn’t important to him. Either answer bothered her. Maybe he was right that she shouldn’t be involved in this trip. But something bigger than her was wooing her forward, and anything that powerful could only come from Gott.
“It’s only complicated if you make it that way.” He stopped and took both her hands in his. “Is there anything else I should know?”
She couldn’t look at him or she wouldn’t be able to tell him what she needed to. She would leave with Mark, with Zeb’s permission or not. The bright sun hitting the white snow hurt her eyes, so she looked down at her black boots. Feeling his warm breath, Emma noticed how close he was. Then she heard the footfalls of someone rambling over the frozen corn husks left in the field. She turned to the side to see Deacon Reuben approaching.
“Afternoon.”
The relief she felt was obvious when the air left her lungs. She could see Zeb out of the corner of her eye, still staring at her with jaw clenched. She had a distinct feeling he knew exactly what she was going to say, and he wasn’t happy about not having an opportunity to give his opinion. “The weather is changing,” Emma said.
“Jah, good for the earth and the soul,” Reuben said as he eyed Zeb.
“Supposed to be an early spring.” Zeb squinted, maybe from the bright snow or trying to predict what Reuben was really there to say.
“Tell me, Zeb, how are you getting along with the additional Holsteins?”
Zeb frowned, seemingly unsure of what Reuben’s question was leading to. Emma was curious as well. It was obvious he was making some sort of point. “Selling a lot of milk,” he answered. His usual courteous demeanor had disappeared the minute Reuben mentioned his extra milk cows. Emma glanced over at him, wondering what she was missing. He grinned away his scowl.
“Ach, good. I’ve wondered what it would be like having so many cows and so little crop,” Reuben replied.
Reuben’s questions piqued Emma’s curiosity even more. There must be something amiss for him to ask Zeb about a way of farming that was fairly common. Granted, there was more land for grazing than for crops, but it seemed to work well for him and his family.
“I wonder, myself, some days.” Zeb’s tone was direct, but his face lost the tense lines between his brows. Emma hadn’t the slightest idea what the sudden concern was about. Maybe it was just sheer curiosity.
“Let us know what the outcome is; I’d be interested to know.” Reuben gave him a lazy wink.
“I’ll do that.”
When Reuben walked away, Emma studied his face to see if she should ask. The stern look slowly faded as he led her to his buggy. “Are we going somewhere?”
“Mamm forgot her corn casserole. I told her I’d go back to the haus and get it for her. Want to come along?” He asked with a cordial smile.
“Jah, I should tell my daed, though.” She felt like a child, telling him she had to ask permission. She’d never been completely alone with him and didn’t feel right doing so now. She had questioned at times whether she would ever feel that desire and worried that maybe something was wrong with her.
Caleb’s face flashed in her mind, and she sucked in air. Remembering her attraction toward him, Emma felt her cheeks heat up. She turned away to find her family.
“Hop in; I’ll take you to them.” Zeb held out a hand, and she climbed into the buggy. His was one of the nicer buggies. Soft, red material on the seats made for a comfortable ride. The fringe around the top had been debated by the deacons, who decided it was acceptable if the color was black. The minister requested it be taken off when Zeb drove to church.
As they approached her mamm, Emma explained the situation.
“Hurry back so you don’t miss my shoo fly pie.” Mamm leaned forward to see him. “Your favorite, Zeb.”
As they rode down the lane to his farm, Emma became uneasy. She’d hoped her mamm would say they needed a chaperone, but it was a short trip to his haus, so she dismissed it.
As they neared Zeb’s house, the Holstein started popping up one by one and then in herds. After a while Emma gave up trying to count. “I wonder why Reuben was so curious about your dairy farm.”
“Probably checking to see if I was breaking any rules.” Zeb didn’t seem bothered by it any longer, so she decided she wouldn’t be either. Their community hadn’t adapted to many of the worldly ways. They were a conservative group with little room for bending any rules.
“Jah, you’re probably right.” When they arrived at Zeb’s house, she stayed put while he hopped out of the buggy and went around to her side.
“Come in with me.” He held out a hand, and she accepted. As she followed him, she admired how perfectly groomed their farm was, even more than most. And it was just the two brothers and his mamm and daed, a small family for an Amish household.
She followed him into the kitchen and took the casserole from the oven. “Smells gut.”
He took it from her and set it on the counter. Then he stood in front of her with his arms on either side of her, his hands on the counter. He looked into her eyes, his face inches from hers. “I want you to be my wife, Emma.” He moved closer, his breath heated.
She knew he was going to kiss her. A casual peck on the cheek was the norm for them. This was not. She looked down and started to move her foot forward.
He moved closer, blocking her from moving away.
Her heart beat double-time as she lifted her head. His eyes were wide and dark.
“Don’t be shy.” He leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers, and then kissed her.
A strange sensation came over her that she wasn’t ready for—one that was only meant to happen between a husband and wife. She shamed herself for the emotion and physical reaction she felt. Did this mean she had deeper feelings for Zeb than she thought? Or was it just a natural response? She didn’t see how you could feel that way unless you cared for the person. And she did love him. Caleb had just distracted her.
“What’s wrong, Emma?”
“I’m sorry, Zeb. I’m not used to being this affectionate.” She reached for the casserole, as if it were her protection.
He leaned back against the counter and laid his arms over his chest. “You’re so bold in any other situation, but this…” He grinned as if entertained by her change in behavior.
Emma didn’t find it amusing. Her body was still tingling with unfamiliar sensations.
“We should go.” She turned on her heel and made her way back to the buggy.
A mix of irritation and anger slid into her mind as she waited for him. He pulled himself up and into the buggy, and sat there looking out over the acres of Holstein grazing on cane and roots that were buried under the snow.
“It’s fine, Emma. I know you’re shy about these things.” He turned his head toward her. “It will pass.” Then he smiled and patted her hand.
She took in a breath, frustrated that he couldn’t see her discomfort. She would feel better once they were married. She knew other girls her age who experimented with this kind of behavior. Why didn’t she?
Is something wrong with me?
It wasn’t talked about, so how would she know?
