Rumspringa's Hope, page 2
Mamm’s face tightened. Her cheeks were taut and eyes dark. “I see.” When Mamm was upset, she held her tongue, lest she say something that she couldn’t take back. She didn’t have the patience to talk through the issue.
Emma waited to see what she would do at the moment.
“Emma, let’s go make the soap.” Mamm wiped her hands on her apron as she walked through the mudroom. They both watched her go.
“I should have expected that. I shouldn’t even talk about it.” Maria grunted, and then gestured toward the door. “Go ahead. I’ll finish this.”
“Danke, Maria. But you know she’s only upset because she doesn’t want to lose any of us. And you would never go. She knows that.”
And at that moment she felt for her mamm. The talk about rumspringa clearly upset her, and it was something Mark might actually do. Mamm’s denial and her daed’s ignoring the problem only made things worse.
She sighed. “Jah, I just wish she would do something about Mark. He’s too hard to deal with anymore.”
“I know how you feel, but I think there’s more of a reason for his bad choices. I don’t think he can control himself like we can.”
“Like what?” Maria’s eyebrows furrowed, and she crossed her arms across her chest, clearly ready to reject whatever reason Emma presented to forgive their brother.
“I don’t know, for sure. But sometimes I see him struggling with whatever it is.” Emma was going on a hunch. She didn’t know how to explain it and admitted to herself that she’d lost patience with him as much as Maria had.
Maria frowned, and then went back to the misty pot that was rumbling with a strong boiling hum.
Emma grabbed her coat and followed behind her mamm, who was walking too quickly to catch up with. Mamm’s arms swung back and forth as her short legs kept stride. The thought of having time with her and making the soap had lost its appeal. Mamm would remain tight-lipped until she could get this off her chest by talking with Daed.
As Emma stepped into the old, red barn, she thought about better times, before the problems had begun. “Mamm, what started Mark’s outbursts and such?” It struck Emma that they had started about the time her coughing fits got worse.
As she watched Mamm gather the necessary supplies, her heart ached for her—for all of them. Mark was not easy to live with.
“He’s just hard headed. He’ll come out of it soon enough.” She paused and glanced at Emma. “A lot of the burden has gone to you. He tends to lean on you a bit more than the others.”
“I don’t know if I want that responsibility.”
“It’s already done, it’s not your choice.”
The cold wind moaned through the slits in the wooden sides of the barn. Emma lit a couple of gas lanterns and placed the glass chimneys over the flames. They would give light and a little warmth.
Mamm grabbed a handful of lard from a metal bucket. “Take as much as you can carry.”
Emma had wanted her mamm to show her how to make soap, but until today Maria had always gotten to it before she did. Being the oldest, Emma’s duties were greater and more demanding. She took on the role well, but sometimes wished for the small pleasure of something different to do—something an opportunity like this provided.
She pulled up her apron and loaded it full of the lard until it was too heavy to hold. Following her mamm, she dumped the lard in a large kettle in the barnyard. “How much do we need?”
Mamm’s mood lightened, and they both started enjoying the project at hand.
“Six pounds of lard, two-and-a-half pints of water, and one pound of lye will make plenty to last awhile. We’ll have enough to sell at the Weaver’s store too.”
Zeb’s parents owned a small store and had a produce stand by the road. Emma often offered to help when he took his turn selling the goods they grew and raised.
Emma heated the kettle, and when it started to boil, stirred the mixture. Once it melted, they weighed it.
“Now we let it cool, put the lye in with the water, and then let it set.”
While they waited, Emma watched the fluffy clouds glide by and thought about Zeb. He was good to her—never raised his voice—and worked hard for his aging parents. There was no reason to discount him. She needed to stop thinking of wanting something—or someone—different.
Her mamm sat down next to her. “What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing, really.” She could hear what her mother would say and her own rebuttal, so what was the point of talking about her choice in a husband?
“Are you happy with Zeb?”
“Jah, sure.” Their marriage would tie Zeb’s and her daed’s land together, making the largest farm in the community. It wasn’t something she could protest even if she wanted to. She could be happy there.
“Gut. You will be glad you have it all behind and settle in.”
Mamm turned away and went to check the lard.
Emma put a hand on her chest. Her throat constricted. She fought for air.
“Shhh.” Mamm stroked her back, shushing Emma.
Emma lifted a hand, stopping her mamm. “I’m better,” she croaked.
“Doesn’t sound like it. You should go see the doc. It’s getting worse.”
“Jah,” she said just to appease her mamm. It would pass. It always had so far anyway.
They went about cleaning up while they waited. “Ready?” Emma took the lye over to the kettle with the lard.
“Jah, just stir until it’s thick and coats the paddle in sheets.” Mamm prepared the table to put the soap on to cut into bars. She laid a frame of squares they would fill with the melted soap, and then stood back to admire their work. “You’re good at this, Emma.”
“Adding some color to them would be nice. Like sky blue, green as the corn stalks, or yellow like the sun.” Emma pictured the various hues she could add into the white soap.
Mamm nodded enthusiastically and wrapped her arm around Emma’s waist. “Jah, you need to enjoy what makes you happy, Emma, not what you feel obliged to do.” She smiled, still admiring the soap. “There are a lot of colors out there, pick your favorite.”
Chapter Three
Three bonfires blazed against the dark night. Emma buttoned up her coat and moved closer to keep warm, mesmerized by the yellow licks of fire that spun up into the air above her. The chatter of what sounded like a hundred voices spread throughout the field, close to Abram Esh’s barn. It would be seeded with corn, come spring, but tonight it was a place of revelry, socializing, and connecting for teens in the small town of Lititz. Most of the faces she knew, but some were strangers, coming from nearby townships for special occasions such as Sunday singing.
“Spring planting will be here sooner than we think,” Zeb said to Abram, but his eyes followed Emma. She came up next to him, comforted that Abram was between them. They stood next to die eltern, who were preparing food and gathering drinks.
“If the weather cooperates, we should have a good cash crop this year,” Abram said. He and Zeb talked more about crops while the teenagers chased each other hollering, telling jokes, and teasing one another. Emma felt a little annoyed, but then, she had been told she was an old soul, and what she considered misconduct was playfulness to others. She wrapped her arms around her coat for warmth and walked over to Maria, Mark, and his friend Andy Lapp. She’d heard enough about the weather.
Maria’s hair was pinned up, but auburn wisps always escaped, and her kapp was disheveled. “I didn’t know there were so many our ages.” She turned her gaze toward Mark. “Did you?”
Emma straightened the kapp over Maria’s head.
Mark had a nervous itch, and he seemed to always scratch his head when he was talking about something important. “Nee, I bet the Eshes are wishing they hadn’t volunteered their place for the get-together.” Mark answered Maria, and then glanced at Andy. It was true, they had never had this many show up for singing.
“Where did they all come from?” Mark took a swig of soda. Emma reached over, took it from him, read the label, and handed it back. He held back his anger well, but she saw the annoyance in his eyes. She couldn’t help but monitor him. He seemed drawn to life on the wild side. He didn’t understand he was too young to act that way without serious consequences.
“All around Lancaster.” She should mingle, but she didn’t have much desire. She was older and felt every one of her twenty-three years. It seemed everyone around her was barely sixteen, the youngest age to take part in rumspringa.
Andy ran a hand over his red hair, which matched the freckles across his nose. “Everybody seems to know each other.”
Maria pointed ahead a few feet. “Not everyone.” A group similar to theirs huddled together, observing the mass of young adults. A few others clustered around, as well. “The rowdy ones are just more noticeable.” One dumped his plastic cup of beer on an unsuspecting partyer’s head. The two chased each other around as the others watched laughing.
“And the ones having fun,” Mark chimed in. “Right, Emma?” He grinned. He was one of the youngsters who would take advantage of every minute of freedom.
“You worry me silly, without any thought for anyone’s concerns.”
“Lighten up, sis.” When she didn’t respond, he took two steps and grabbed her by the arm. “Did Andy tell you Caleb is here?”
Emma caught her breath. Her throat went dry. She took a moment before she turned to Andy, Caleb’s brother.
“Sorry. I didn’t know if you’d want to see him.” Andy shrugged as his neck turned scarlet. He knew about his brother’s relationship with Emma and that it was a touchy subject.
Finding out this way that Caleb Lapp was there didn’t help matters. Emma tried not to show her annoyance. “Why didn’t you say something?”
Mark stared back at her with large, dark eyes and scratched his head. He quickly took her hand and dragged her away. “I figured Andy would, with his big mouth.”
As they walked through the mass of teens and a few young adults, Emma stopped and did a double-take. Even though she’d been told Caleb was there, seeing him was still a shock. Old memories she’d stuffed away came back to her. She looked away and concentrated on breathing. She couldn’t do this. It was too hard and had taken her so long to forget about him and court another. She didn’t want to remember everything all over again. She tried to turn to head back toward the fire.
“Mark, I’m not—”
“Nee, he wants to see you.”
“You told him I’m here?” She shook her head as tingles spread up her arms.
Caleb had a gentle way about him, which was why it surprised many in her community when he not only left, but also helped others when they left for rumspringa, as well.
The deacons and minister had been frustrated that such a fine young man would be a part of such disappointing conduct. When the bishop noticed what was happening, he told Caleb there would be no communication, not even with his own family. He wasn’t baptized, so it was a touchy situation. It seemed harsh at the time, but he’d created a hole in the dike so large, it drained their community. Most came back eventually, but it had taken more time than usual.
“Actually, he asked about you. I thought you’d want to know.” Mark wiggled his eyebrows at her. It bothered her—this whole situation did. She turned back to find Zeb, hoping he wasn’t watching her. She didn’t want to feel guilty about seeing Caleb, but a growing part of her wanted to talk to him.
“I’m not sure about that.” She glanced at Mark to see whether she could tell if he was telling the truth, but couldn’t see if his eyes were calm or wild. Either way, she would say hallo.
“What ever happened to him?” Maria said, she and Andy having caught up with them. Maria was probably as curious as Emma was, and it was better that she ask the question.
“Who knows, since the deacons won’t let him talk to anybody.” Mark always knew the gossip, but also thought a lot of Caleb so would hopefully be kind in his words.
“Maybe because he started taking the rumspringa groups to the city,” Maria said.
Maria briefly looked at Emma. She knew how hard it was for Emma to hear it all over again.
As Emma approached Caleb, he stopped midsentence and stared at her until she was standing in front of him. He stuck his hands in his pockets as his smile tipped to the side. His brown locks were tinted with gold, and when he turned to her, she tried not to admire his strong jaw.
“Caleb, I’m surprised you’re here.”
He grunted a laugh, and Emma noticed how her comment sounded. It probably wasn’t the first time he’d been told that tonight. “I heard there was going to be a big get-together and thought it would be a good time to see everyone again.”
“Do you miss being here?”
He gave her a crooked smile and then looked down as if he wanted to say jah, but couldn’t. “Yeah, I do.”
“No Pennsylvania-Dutch anymore?” She grinned, and he did too. Emma missed his Pennsylvania-Dutch, but he seemed to be more comfortable using plain English.
“Guess I’ve gotten out of the habit. It sounds pretty silly in Philly.”
Her eyebrows shot up, and she took a step back. The big city was only an hour and a half away, but the opposite of the life she led. She couldn’t imagine softhearted Caleb living there. “That’s where you live now?”
“Jah.” He grinned and watched her closely. “I didn’t plan to, but that’s how it’s worked out. At least for now.”
She laughed at his choice of words, remembering how much she’d missed him. “I can’t imagine you there.”
He’d left with the promise to return and make things right. She hadn’t seen him again and had sulked for days when she accepted that he wasn’t coming back He rubbed his hands together. “It’s very different, but I feel called to be there.”
“I can’t imagine what that must be like. What do you do there?”
“We take in the homeless, runaways, substance abusers…the list goes on.” He couldn’t hide his smile. He obviously loved what he did. She wondered how many people here knew who he really was.
“That sounds tough and a little scary.”
“Yeah, it can be.” He looked at the farm and watched the teens around them. “But what I do the most is evangelize.”
Her head went back, showing her astonishment. “Really?” She wanted to say more, ask more questions. She couldn’t get over the feeling she wanted to do exactly those things he was doing. She could envision him helping others, showing them God’s love through his actions, but not in a city like Philadelphia. There was too much of…everything. She wanted to go, see what he did, and how. But in Philadelphia?
“I feel a calling to be there, help these kids out when they go there on rumspringa. Hopefully keep them from making bad choices.”
“I didn’t know that’s what you were doing there.” She stopped, overwhelmed by this information. Once it started to sink in, she could see how Caleb’s soft heart and straightforward personality would be a good mix for this type of work. “Where do you live?”
“When I first got there, I went to a Mennonite church.” He paused, probably waiting for Emma to say what she was thinking. Most Amish and Mennonites didn’t mingle, having broken off into their own sects long ago.
“I still attend there. Good people. They support my mission, so I can at least have a place to lay my head and get a hot meal.” His smile touched something inside her. He was living out a scripture that sprang to mind.
“Matthew 6:25: ‘Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink…’” She whispered the rest, with growing admiration for this young man of whom she had thought poorly for so long.
“Finish it.” He grinned. “Your memory of the Scripture is still better than mine.”
She didn’t want to be prideful. But this was Caleb. “‘Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?’” She didn’t know if this was the life he lived. If so, she felt even more admiration for him than she already had. “Is this what you try to follow?”
Caleb nodded. “Try is the key word.” He grinned, and then let out a breath and gave her a sad smile as he looked her over. “You’re a beautiful young lady, Emma. Even more so than when I left. But then I always knew that about you.”
She squirmed a little, lifting one foot and then the other. The way he looked at her made her uncomfortable, but he was just discovering her again, the girl he’d known now a woman.
He held up a hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so blunt. I’ve forgotten myself being in Amish land again.”
“Danke for saying so. It didn’t sound like something you’d say.” And then she saw how different their cultures were now and how it had changed him in such a short time.
“You’re analyzing me now, aren’t you?” He smiled again, showing off his dimple. “Wondering how I can live in a city filled with evil. You think I’ve become like them, sinful and full of lust.” He leaned closer, his big, blue eyes staring into hers. “I’m still the same guy, Emma. I just live in a different place.”
She knew her eyes were as wide as a baby deer’s, but she couldn’t get over seeing the old Caleb through this amazing man. “I hadn’t thought of it like that. But you have changed, Caleb.” She noticed the difference in him, and cared about him enough to worry that he might yet stumble.
“So have you.” He said it straight-faced, capturing her gaze with intensity. She wondered what he meant and was about to ask him when Mark showed up.
“I knew you two would have a lot to talk about.”
So the charming Mark was here tonight. Emma hated to be cynical, but she never knew what to expect from him.
“It’s good to see you together again,” Mark said.
“Hey, Mark, I need to talk to your sister a little longer. Do you mind?” Caleb was good with Mark, talking to him with the respect not often shown by those who were enduring his behavior on a daily basis. And Mark responded well to Caleb.
