Evie Interrupted, page 17
A hint of sadness seeped into her expression. Whether or not she admitted it, big changes were hard on Mom, especially when they involved me. Her little girl was growing up, spreading her wings, and discovering her own way in this world.
I wasn’t ignorant to the fact that my mom had sacrificed a lot in order for me to have this life. She allowed me to dream outside of the box. Mom taught me that if I could think it, see it, want it, then I could achieve it. I couldn’t wait to show my gratitude by making all of her dreams come true.
Present
As per my normal MO, I didn’t ask Butler if he’d heard me screaming just before the phone call went dead. Poking the bear would only stir up questions that I didn’t want to answer. I pushed the incident aside for the time being, figuring I would deal with the ramifications if or when he asked me. Besides, in the short amount of time I’d known him, I learned Butler didn’t shy away from asking for answers. Part of me loved his directness and part of me wished he were like a typical guy, oblivious to most oddities.
When Ben and I were together, I was honest, telling him about whatever difficult decisions I was having to make regarding Mom. He’d nod and utter the occasional “uh-huh,” but he wasn’t really listening. Now that I’m tight-lipped about my situation and keeping secrets, I have a guy who would probably listen. If I paid attention to what my heart told me, I’d confess all my sins to Butler. But my mind wouldn’t allow me to forget the past. I had to keep my wits about me and not get caught up in what I wished Butler was.
I still didn’t know what my endgame was in regard to us. I kept setting term limits on how long I’d let this charade go on. Pretending that we were just a couple of normal young people who were dating. Each time I neared the cutoff I would change the terms: two more meals and sex five more times before letting him go. Or maybe three more meals, two movies, one puzzle night, and ten more times for sex. It was a stupid, immature mind game I played, but I couldn’t seem to make myself stick to any deadline.
Butler brought so much good back into my life and dulled the heartache that had been lingering for the past six years. I steered clear of indulging in fantasizing about a future that included him because there was no point. It would only make the heartache more unbearable when the inevitable goodbye came. I just needed a little more time to play pretend with him.
Also, I needed to come up with a list of legitimate excuses for why I couldn’t see him or have him over to my place. Having a class or needing to study were flimsy, at best, and their efficacy had a short shelf life. In a normal relationship, the guy would have already been to the girl’s home to pick her up, drop her off, come over to hang out, or have sex. None of these normalcies applied to what Butler and I had going on. He had not come straight out and said anything to me about it. Instead, he played it cool, like when he offered to bring me supper or wanted to send me flowers. He was an understanding and patient man. But understanding and patience eventually wore out.
Two days after Professor Chapman’s flying shit show, we were in the middle of our girls’ movie night, with Dirty Dancing playing on the TV. It was the one movie that covered all the bases: Swayze for me, love story for Maine, and music and dancing for Mom. Maine sipped red wine while snacking on chocolate, Mom chomped buttered popcorn, and I sat at one end of the sofa, my nerves on edge, trying to find the courage to ask Maine for a huge favor.
Clearing my throat, I squeaked, “Maine?”
“Yep?”
“I hate asking…you’ve done so much for me.”
“Evie, just spit it out,” Maine said popping another piece of chocolate in her mouth.
“I was wondering if I…um…could…um…borrow your place for a few hours.”
A big grin appeared across her face as she turned in my direction. “Whatcha need my place for?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?”
“I always know what you’re thinking.”
“I’ll give you that.”
“It’s just…Butler has had me over to his place a few times for dinner and—”
“You want to reciprocate.” She waggled her eyebrows.
“I want to cook for him, and…” I hesitated for a moment while I searched for the right words. “He’s been very patient but has dropped hints about wanting to come over.”
“And you want to use my place as your sex den.”
“You make it sound so sordid.” I cringed.
“You’re in luck. My mommy dearest invited me for a weekend getaway to Hendersonville next week. So, mi casa es tu casa.”
My heart leaped with joy then quickly plummeted with disappointment. “Never mind.”
“Why?”
“I was also going to ask you to watch Mom overnight. But if you’re not going to be in town…”
“How about Liza? She adores you, Evie.”
“Are you insane? I can’t tell sweet, pure-of-heart grandmotherly Liza I want her to stay with my mother overnight so I can have sex with my boyfriend and wake up with him the next morning.”
Maine sat up straighter. “Did you just say boyfriend?”
My cheeks flushed. “Yes, but it was Butler who said it first.”
“Things are moving in a twisty direction kind of fast with him.”
I knew Maine wanted an explanation on what the fuck I was doing.
Not looking at her, I said, “I know that since the boyfriend/girlfriend label has been tossed out there, I should tell him about my situation. That if I’m not going to be completely honest with him, I need to cut him loose. I’m stringing him along and if I genuinely cared for him, I wouldn’t string him along any longer.”
“I thought you were still in the just having fun stage. I didn’t realize you had moved on to the falling in love stage,” she said, her voice laced with concern.
I looked up at Maine wanting her to see the truth in my eyes. “I’m not falling for Butler. I enjoy being with him. That’s all. I’m doing exactly what you told me to do…having fun.”
Reaching over, she placed her hand on top of mine. “Oh, Evie, you’re not just keeping things from Butler, you’re keeping things from yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re right, you’re not falling for Butler. You’ve already fallen for him. I knew he was your person that day you came into the café upset that you’d agreed to go over to his place for dinner.”
A twinge hit my heart realizing Maine wasn’t completely off base, but I quickly shut it down. I couldn’t allow my feelings for Butler to flourish.
Plastering on a fake smile, I placed my other hand on top of hers and said, “I hate to pop your romance bubble, but you’re wrong. It’s true I like him a lot, but that’s as far as it goes. I just want to have fun for as long as possible.”
Maine looked at me suspiciously as she sat back. “You keep telling yourself that.”
The room fell silent, apart from Mom’s popcorn crunching, as we focused back on the love story of Johnny and Baby. Except when I looked at the screen, I didn’t see Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey. Instead, I saw Butler and me, star-crossed lovers destined to burn bright and hot for a short period of time before outside forces pissed all over it.
Memories
I startled awake, bolting upright in my bed. At first, I thought a bad dream had jolted me, but then I heard Linus barking and Mom crying out. Jumping out of bed, I stumbled in the dark toward my door and rushed across the hallway.
“Help me! Please! Help me!” Mom screamed.
I tore into the bedroom. Seeing her bathroom light on, I found her standing in the middle of the floor, hair disheveled, pajama top on, but no bottoms. Urine dripped down her legs, pooling by her feet as tears streamed down her face.
Her arms shook with agitation. “I can’t do it!”
Quickly swiping a hand towel off the rack, I ran it under some warm water, then dabbed Mom’s face, hoping to dry her tears, and calm her down.
Looking directly into her eyes, I said, “Mom, I’m here and we’re going to take care of everything. There’s no reason to be embarrassed.”
She nodded, her eyes still filled with tears.
“You stay right here while I go get some towels. Okay?”
“Okay.”
As quickly as possible I ran to the linen closet and grabbed three huge towels and another washcloth. Returning to the bathroom, I laid two of the towels on the floor as a path from Mom to her bed. It was her personal red carpet. I ran the washcloth under warm water then squirted some body wash on it.
“Mom, hold onto my shoulder while I wash your legs off.”
She did as I instructed in silence. Once her legs were clean, I held out my hand and escorted her down the towel path to her bed.
I spread the third towel out on the side of the bed, and said, “Sit down and I’ll wash your feet off.”
Again, she did as I instructed, letting me wash and dry her off. I tossed the dirty linens to the side before pulling open the dresser drawer and getting a fresh pair of pajama bottoms and underwear. They were adult diapers, but in order not to embarrass or hurt Mom’s feelings I referred to them as underwear.
Squatting in front of her, I held open the leg hole in the underwear for her to slip her foot in like she did when I was a little kid. Once the underwear was on, we did the same with the pajama pants. I then went to clean up the bathroom. After mopping the floor, I checked the bed sheets to make sure they hadn’t gotten wet during Mom’s dash in the darkness. Thank God, they were unharmed and dry.
I walked her over to the side of the bed she slept on and pulled back the comforter. “There you go, all nice and clean.” She slipped in between the covers and lay back. “Feel better?”
“I think so.”
She looked frightened and exhausted. I tried to imagine what it was like to be her. What did she see through her eyes and how did it compute in her brain? This disease was insidious and cruel, especially during the limbo phase, suspended between reality and dementia. Partially living in both worlds.
Mom was aware that the life she had worked so hard to build was slipping away, but her future was a blank. How would she feel once the transition was complete? I wanted nothing more than to hold onto her tight, keeping her with me in my world for as long as possible. But when I saw how tired she was of holding on, and how scared she was of letting go, I wanted to ease her pain and push her into oblivion.
Present
I was able to convince Liza to spend the night with Mom by offering to pay more and by playing on her big heart. I told her Maine was going through a hard time. I didn’t give details, figuring her imagination could run wild and let her come up with some drama in which my best friend desperately needed me to stay with her over the weekend. I was becoming quite the equal opportunity liar. I lied to Butler, Maine, myself, and now an endearing grandmother. I was definitely headed to hell in the afterlife.
Since I was having to pay Liza more for the longer hours, I had her come a little later in the afternoon on Saturday, which didn’t give me a lot of time to get things ready before Butler showed up at what would be my new home for the next day. The joy on his face when I invited him over for dinner and a movie to my place was priceless.
I scanned Maine’s kitchen, making sure I had everything I needed for tonight. I wouldn’t classify myself a cook. I could prepare a few things, but my skills were limited. One thing I could cook—and cook well—was my grandmother’s spaghetti. Mom made sure I knew how to fix that dish if nothing else. That sauce had been handed down for generations and was the pride of the family.
The pot of sauce was percolating nicely on the stove, the salad was in the fridge, the homemade Caesar dressing by its side, and the garlic bread was ready to go in the oven. All that was left to do was boil the fresh pasta, which I had bought that day. While at the grocery store, I made sure to grab Butler’s favorite beer, and a couple of bottles of wine for me. I was a nervous wreck. Not because of the food or leaving Mom overnight. Each time I was with Butler I was living a lie. And even though there was little to no chance of me getting caught tonight, it still left me anxious. Everything I said to Butler was true, except when it pertained to school, my family, or where I lived. God, when strung together, it was a fairly long list of lies.
Maine had moved into her place a couple of months ago. It was a cute two-bedroom open concept townhouse close enough to downtown that she was able to walk to Dough-Mates. I had only been here one other time, helping her move in while Mom was at her respite group. Maine had shown me pictures on her phone of how she decorated the place. Soft and romantic with neutral tones for the sofa and loveseat, a crystal chandelier hovering above the main living area, and two large white orchids placed on the front windowsills. A small round dining table and chairs sat between the living room and the white kitchen. Not completely my style, but beautiful.
I was putting away a few of my things in the second bedroom to make it look as if I lived there when the doorbell rang. I quickly checked myself out in the bathroom mirror, making sure I didn’t have tomato sauce dripping down my purple shirt and black leggings. Running my fingers through my hair, I fluffed the strands before heading to let Butler in. As I walked toward the front door my gaze scanned the place one last time to make sure everything was in place, then I opened the door.
The second I saw Butler my knees went weak. He was standing on the porch, looking amazing as usual, wearing all black and holding a cheesecake.
“Hey,” I said, butterflies taking flight in my stomach.
“Hey.”
There was a weird energy radiating off of him. “Is everything okay, Butler?”
“Um…yeah. I think I’m nervous.”
“Why would you be nervous?”
“Because I get the impression you don’t invite a lot of people into your world. I feel privileged and don’t want to fuck it up.”
Wrapping my hand around his wrist, I led him through the door. “You have nothing to worry about.” His lips found mine as I pushed the door closed.
Butler straightened and held out the dessert. “This is for you.”
My face flushed with heat. “Thank you. I’ve never had anyone bring me a cheesecake before.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope.”
“I’m honored to be your first,” he said puffing his chest out just a bit. “I didn’t know which kind you liked so I got the sampler.”
“I see that and appreciate it. I’m going to go put it in the fridge.”
“Okay.” He grinned.
God, just when I thought Butler couldn’t get yummier, he did. Nervous Butler made me want to forgo dinner and eat him up. As I put the cheesecake in the fridge, Butler roamed around taking the place in.
“I like your place, Evie.”
I felt a twinge of guilt knowing this wasn’t my place. “Thanks.”
“Although I pictured it looking a little different.”
I met him at the kitchen island, “How so?”
“I pictured wall-to-wall bookshelves lined with great literary works.”
“I haven’t been living here long enough to put my stank on the place.”
A chuckle bubbled up from his chest.
“Oh, I have something else for you,” Butler said, leaving me alone at the island.
“Where are you going?”
“Outside.”
He walked quickly across the room and out the door. I followed, but his stride was so long he beat me by a mile. When I got outside he was standing at the back of his truck with a huge smile plastered across his face. My gaze dropped from Butler to the reason he was smiling. The sun glistened off the shiny handlebars of the mint green bike I had admired weeks ago.
Warmth filled my chest. “You bought me the bike.”
“Are you surprised?”
“I’m speechless.”
“That’s a good thing, right?” he said.
I bounded down the steps toward Butler and flung my arms around his neck. “It’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”
Wrapping his arms around my body, Butler lifted me into the air. Laughing, he said, “I’m glad you like it.”
I looked into his sparkling eyes. “I love it and I…” The words love you skidded to a halt on the tip of my tongue. “Thank you. I thank you. It’s the best gift anyone has ever given me.”
Pressing my lips to his, I kissed Butler like he’d just come home from war. My arms and legs tightened around his body as one of his hands slipped down to my ass. Suddenly, I felt movement as Butler walked toward the townhouse.
I broke the kiss and said, “My bike! I can’t leave it out here.”
“I’ve been cock blocked by a fucking bike,” he teased.
“It’s not just any bike. It’s the bike.”
Shaking the lust from his head, Butler loosened his hold on me. I slid down his tall frame until I felt ground underneath my feet. Before going inside, I hopped on the bike and took a quick spin around the block. When I returned, Butler placed the bike in a prominent spot inside the townhouse where I could gaze at it during our date.
“There’s beer in the fridge,” I announced.
As I stared adoringly at my gift, Butler helped himself to a drink.
“You got my favorite beer,” he said with a hint of surprise.
“I pay attention, Coach.”
Coming up behind me, Butler lowered his mouth to my neck and gave me a gentle kiss. “Thank you. No one has ever gotten me my favorite beer before.”
Shoving my elbow back, I gave him a playful jab in the ribs. “Smartass.”
Butler went snooping toward the stove. “Something smells good. What are we having?”
“Spaghetti,” I said, lifting the lid to the pot and stirring.
“Is this how you lure all the fellas?”
