Evie Interrupted, page 16
“I’m fine and so sorry, Liza. I will pay you time and a half and take you home and get your car to you.” The cost of my fucking fuck up was rising.
“I was worried you’d been in an accident,” Liza said.
I wish it were that simple. No accident. I just met a man who might just be my person in this vast world. Before saying goodbye to him forever, I wanted to have mind-blowing sex. You know, to make things more complicated and that much harder to leave him.
“I was with a friend and just lost track of time is all. I can’t tell you again how sorry I am. I don’t know what got into me.”
“Please don’t worry about it, Ms Chap…I mean, Evie. You deserve to have a life.”
“Thanks for understanding, Liza.”
I ended the call with a sigh of relief. I couldn’t lose Liza. Good caregivers were uber expensive and hard to find. Liza had a big heart. She did this as a side job for a little extra cash. As Mom’s dementia got worse, more skilled care would be needed, which meant more money.
On the drive home, my mind swirled in a hundred different directions. Each time I saw Butler I swore up and down to myself that it would be the last time. Ticking each of the boxes on the list of reasons why we were a bad idea. But with each goodbye, I knew in the back of my mind I had to see him again. I was like an addict, fooling myself that I’d enter rehab after just one last hit. Then, the second the withdrawal started, I was right back at my dealer.
In just a short amount of time, Butler had breathed so much life and light into my existence. He made me feel special. I had laughed and smiled more with him over the past few weeks than I had in years. We had conversations about everything. I never realized how much I missed exchanging words with someone. Mom and I used to talk for hours about anything and everything, from the serious to the silly.
As many times as I told myself things between Butler and me had to end, my heart kept stepping in and wouldn’t let me. I had to figure out how to live two separate lives: one a reality and the other a fantasy.
Memories
“She hates me,” I said looking into the full-length mirror.
“Now, Evie, she’s your cousin. Sally doesn’t hate you.”
“Mom, you don’t know her like I do. What other explanation could there be for her choosing such an ugly dress? I look like a big ol’ carrot. Everyone knows redheads can’t wear orange.”
Stupid colorblind Sally had picked a taffeta, form-fitting dress with a lace overlay in a color that rivaled candy corn orange.
“It’s actually passion peach,” the sales lady corrected.
With my face squished together, I looked at her. “Well, it reads big ol’ carrot. Mom, I can’t do this.”
“You already accepted. You can’t pull out now. The wedding is a little over a month away.”
Unable to stomach the look of me in this horrible dress any longer, I stepped off the little platform. “Who gets married at nineteen without being pregnant, anyway?”
A dreamy expression came over the sales lady’s face. “Aw, young love is so precious and delicate.”
Mom and I exchanged glances, trying desperately to hold in our laughter.
The sales lady jerked as if just remembering something. “Oh, silly me. I forgot the headpiece.”
My head snapped in her direction. “What headpiece?”
“The one that goes with the dress, of course. It’s in the back. I’ll run and get it. Be back in a jif.” She darted away, humming the wedding march.
“I’m going to throw up,” I said, not looking at my mother.
Mom patted the top of my hand. “There comes a time in every person’s life when they have to do things they don’t want to do.”
“That’s ridiculous. We all have the right to choose what we want to do. I’ll make up an excuse and not mention how God-awful ugly her taste in dresses is. Besides, if I show up in this monstrosity it will only draw attention away from her.”
“Did I ever show you pictures of your Aunt Carol and Uncle Frank’s wedding?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Then I never showed you. If I had, you’d remember.”
“Bad?”
“It was a beautiful spring event. My dress was a neon yellow, a color no one should be seen in.”
“Oh my God!” I laughed.
“Wait, it gets better. There were at least three layers of crinoline under the poofy skirt, making it even poofier. It was an off-the-shoulder masterpiece with white feathers discreetly hiding the top of my breasts. And the pièce de résistance was a spray of alternating yellow and white feathers attached to the back of my head, shooting up in the air like a fountain.”
Trying to rein in my amusement, I forced my face to look sympathetic. “My heart hurts for you. It really does.” A burst of laughter exploded out of me with the last few words.
“I feel your commiseration,” Mom said, deadpan.
“You should have told Aunt Carol no and saved yourself. She would have understood.”
“But she shouldn’t have had to understand. It was her day. Her fantasy. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought or wanted. Besides Frank, that is. To this day whenever she drags her wedding album out or talks about that day, I act as if that had been the most beautiful dress I’d ever worn. I do it because I love my sister and I would never take the beautiful memories of her wedding day away from her. You and I both know Sally has dreamed of her wedding ever since she knew what a wedding was. So, you look like a carrot for a few hours—”
“A big ol’ carrot,” I corrected.
“And in years to come act as if this is the most beautiful dress you’ve ever worn when Sally pulls out her wedding album. It’s a small price to pay for someone you love.”
A heaviness sat in my stomach as I realized my mom was right and I would be appearing as a big ol’ carrot in the near future.
Looking at Mom, I said, “That was a sweet thing you did for Aunt Carol. I guess I can suck it up for one day for Sally.”
She pulled me in for a sideways hug. As we were sharing a mother-daughter moment, the sales lady came barreling out from the storeroom holding an orange UFO.
Excitement radiated off of her. “Isn’t it fabulous?! It’s an exact replica of the fascinator Princess Eugenie wore to William and Kate’s wedding.”
My gaze met Mom’s before I turned back toward the sales lady, and said, “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever worn on my head.”
Mom smiled and patted the top of my hand in agreement.
Present
Butler: I miss you.
Me: I miss you too. Sorry I have to spend the entire day studying.
Butler: Don’t ever apologize for working toward your dream, babe.
Never in my life did I think being called babe would send shivers down my spine. Butler let the reference slip a few times and shiver me timbers if I didn’t love hearing it or reading it in a text from him.
When I got home the night before, Liza had already given Mom dinner and gotten her ready for bed. She also planned for her two grandsons to come pick her and her car up. I apologized profusely and kept my promise to pay her time and a half. I also made a mental note to never let the costly mistake happen again.
It was late Sunday morning; Mom and I were into our routine watching The Andy Griffith Show. While she got lost in Mayberry, I got lost in the memory of being in Butler’s arms. I had texted him when I got home letting him know I was safe and mentioned that the rest of my weekend would be spent with my nose stuck in a book. Each time I used school as an excuse not to divulge the reality of my life, my stomach contorted.
I justified the lie by telling myself that if it weren’t for the hand fate dealt me, I would be halfway toward earning my doctorate at this point. The realization caused a dull ache to invade my heart. It was as if I were in a constant state of lamenting three worlds, the one I was forced to abandon, the one I didn’t choose, and the one I wanted to be in with Butler.
Me: Thanks for understanding.
Butler: I have an idea. I’ll bring you supper tonight.
The knot in my intestines tightened a little more. The sweeter Butler became the more I had to lie if I was going to keep him in my life. And I needed to keep him in my life for as long as possible.
Me: That’s very thoughtful, but this exam is gonna be a bear, so I need to be cramming every possible second.
Butler: You gotta come up for air at some point, Evie. I’ll just drop off the food, kiss you senseless, and leave.
Wistfully, I stared out the window thinking of Butler’s lips and hands on me.
Beep!
Beep!
Beep!
The sound of the backdoor alarm jarred me. Scolding myself for not locking the door, I whipped my head around, and caught the sight of Mom’s back retreating out the door with Linus following close behind. I hopped off the sofa in hot pursuit.
“Mom, come back inside, it’s chilly out and you don’t have your jacket on.”
Completely ignoring me, she pushed opened the screen door, and walked out of the porch. Linus zoomed around the yard leaving small puffs of dirt and leaves in his wake. Taking a few aimless steps, Mom looked around at the small, red, barn-like shed, the mostly naked trees, and a few scattered dog toys before zeroing in on the fallen twigs on the ground. Bending over, she gently gathered each of the tiny sticks as if they were rare pieces of art.
Mom had always taken such pride in the yard. The outer perimeter of the backyard was lined with hydrangea bushes in varying shades of blue, purples, whites, and pinks, making for a gorgeous explosion of colors during summertime. Ivy crawled along parts of the fence while vibrant rose bushes climbed up strategically placed trellises. Small azalea bushes were the backdrop for the two Adirondack chairs that sat in one corner.
From an early age, Mom worked to pass along her love of the earth to me. Each summer we would plant vegetables. To make it fun and interesting, she called it a salad bowl garden, sectioning off an area and planting lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, onions, and herbs. Even though I wasn’t a big salad eater then, I looked forward to spending that time with Mom, witnessing her joy at sharing one of her passions with me.
Unfortunately, as I got older it became clear that I had not inherited her green thumb. When I was fourteen, she decided to face reality and cut me loose from gardening detail. On a positive note, with the addition of cheese, croutons, and bacon, I learned to love salad.
While I gave Mom a few more minutes to tend to her yard, my phone dinged with a text.
Shit, I forgot Butler!
Butler: Hello?
Me: I’m sorry. A classmate called needing notes.
I’m so going to hell.
Butler: Supper and kissing?
God, I wanted both from him so badly.
Me: I would love both from you, but—
My phone rang before I was able to finish typing. A smile crossed my face at the sight of Butler’s name and picture.
“No buts. Nothing good ever comes after but,” he said, the smile in his voice causing my grin to widen.
“I would love both from you, however—”
“Now you’re bringing out the fancy college words.”
“The problem is, if you came over, I’d get to the kissing and nothing else.”
“In other words, my manly wiles are too much for you to resist.”
“Exactly,” I said.
“I am pretty irresistible.”
“And humble.”
“That’s one reason why you can’t control yourself around me.”
“Ha-ha.”
There was a second of silence during which I had a feeling Butler’s eyebrows were in full furrow mode as he replayed his words.
“You know I’m kidding, right?” he said.
Laughter bubbled out of me. “You really are irresistible.”
“How about I just have supper delivered? I’ll kiss you senseless at a later date and time.”
“Butler, you don’t need to do that.”
I watched as Mom took her handful of sticks and dropped them in a pile under the tree. She then focused on another area and began to clear it of twigs.
“I know I don’t need to, but I want to. I want to do something to support you and your dream. I want to take care of you.”
“If you were here right now, I’d rip your clothes off and do things to you.”
He cleared his throat. “Go on.”
“I’d get no studying done, fail my exam, not earn my doctorate, and end up only being qualified to be your sex slave.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Thank you for the offer, bu—I mean—however, I’ll be fine. I have food here.”
“Promise you’ll nourish that hot little body?”
Waves of shivers flowed over my skin. “I promise.”
“Okay, then, I’ll feed you another time. It just dawned on me; I don’t even know your address,” Butler said.
Knocked off-balance, I hesitated, desperately trying to come up with an answer that didn’t include my actual address. “Girl’s gotta keep a little mystery going.”
“You should let me know what it is so I can do boyfriend things.”
If wanting my address knocked me off-balance, the term “boyfriend” threw me for a loop.
“Boyfriend things?” I squeaked.
“Yeah. You know like sending flowers and stuff.”
“So, you’re my boyfriend.”
“Can I be?”
“I’d like that,” I said, digging down another three feet into that fucking hole I created every time I opened my mouth.
“I guess you better text me your address, so I can get on those boyfriend duties ASAP.”
I had gotten so lost in Butler’s revelation of wanting to be my boyfriend that I hadn’t been laser focused on Mom’s activities. Scanning the yard, I saw her in the corner behind Linus. Holding a collection of sticks in one hand, she bent down, placing her other hand underneath Linus. She straightened, and to my horror, held a piece of his shit in her hand—which was now heading toward her open mouth.
Clutching my phone, I flew out the door toward her yelling, “No!” I heard Butler’s voice but could not register what he was saying. “I’m sorry! I gotta go! Call you back later!”
I reached Mom, slapping her hand and sending the shit flying into the bushes.
“What on earth is wrong with you?! Jesus Christ, you make me want to throw up,” I scolded. “Drop the stick right here. We need to get inside and wash your hands.”
I took Mom by the wrist, leading her across the yard into the house. Standing at the kitchen sink, I pumped a gallon of hand soap into her hand while the water got warm. I glanced at my phone on the counter, replayed the past few minutes in my head, and wondered if I had disconnected from the call with Butler before the shit hit the fan.
Memories
Nerves shot through my body like bolts of lightning as I stared at the screen, the cursor hovering over the button that would alter my future plans. One click was the only thing between me and Italy. For one year, I’d be liberated from classes, study groups, and long nights at the library. I had never considered taking a year off before entering graduate school. But when Mom told me how it had been her dream to travel and experience different cultures, I found it becoming my dream too. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, getting high off the surge of adrenalin coursing through my body. Without giving myself a chance to overthink it and change my mind, I opened my eyes and clicked on purchase ticket.
Jumping up from my chair, I ran down the hall to tell Mom it was official. One month from today, instead of sitting in my childhood bedroom, I’d be sitting at an outdoor café eating pasta and drinking wine. As I turned the corner, I heard the TV in the family room and headed down the steps. Mom sat on the sofa, ignoring the show, and stared out of the window instead. She must have been deep in thought because she didn’t even acknowledge when I came bounding down the steps.
“Mom?”
She turned her head toward me. When her gaze met mine, a shudder ran down my spine. There was something strange in the way she looked at me. She seemed surprised and confused. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she didn’t recognize me. But within the blink of an eye, the weird vibe disappeared and Mom was back.
“Evie.”
Sitting next to her, I said, “Are you okay?”
“Of course, I’m okay.” Her tone had an edge to it. She patted the top of my hand. “Just daydreaming.”
“Speaking of dreaming…I’m all booked for Italy.” I couldn’t help the gigantic grin that spread across my face.
Her auburn-colored brows knitted together. “Italy?”
A hollow feeling bored a hole in the pit of my stomach. God, had she and Dad changed their minds? Had that been the reason for the vacant look and gazing out of the window? “Mom, are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
“Yes, Evie. Now stop asking me that,” she snapped.
“I’m sorry, but you’re acting weird. As if this is the first time we’ve talked about me spending a year in Italy. I’ve made arrangements to stay with Maine’s Aunt Silvia who lives in Rome. She’s letting me work part-time in her dress shop. I just booked my flight. Everything is all set.”
“Of course, I remember Italy. Nothing has changed. It’s going to be the most glorious year of your life. I’m sorry. I just have work on my mind.”
“Whew! You scared me for a minute. I thought all the months of planning were out the window. You’re still coming to visit while I’m there, right?”
“Absolutely. I’ll be there during Fall break. Nothing could keep me from experiencing Italy now, especially with you.”
“Yay! Thank you for letting me do this. I’ve never been so excited for the future.”
“Your father had something to do with it as well,” she said.
“I know, but you were the one who convinced him it would be a great life experience.”
“And it will be. Evie, a full life is made up of opportunities. Reach for them all, grabbing as many as you can, and hold on tight before they slip through your fingers.”
