Say It's Forever, page 17
He arched and groaned.
That feeling was in the air.
Shimmering.
Stirring.
“Salem.”
A rush of energy captured me, and I relaxed my mouth, let him take me as he wanted me.
His hips jutted, then he was roaring a deep, guttural, “Fuck.”
Both hands held me by the sides of the head as he pulsed at the back of my throat. I swallowed around him as he jerked with the waves of pleasure.
He clutched me tightly when he came. “Salem…gorgeous…darlin’.”
I could tell when he was coming down, the way the words went from grunts to these sweet little mumblings that fell from his mouth.
I slowly edged back, releasing him from my mouth just as he was brushing his fingertips over mine.
A rough jolt of laughter left him, those dark eyes dancing in the night. “Well, then, darlin’.”
That gaze turned adoring.
It panged somewhere in my reckless heart.
I knew better than falling for this man, but I was afraid Mimi might be right—we didn’t always get to decide when it was time. Which was why I was a fool for even allowing myself to be in this position.
Where I felt the world falling away and the steady beat of this man taking its place.
Jud tugged up his pants, though he didn’t take the time to button and zip them before he slipped his arm around my waist and gently laid us on the floor. He was on his back, and he pulled me on top of him, brought us chest to chest.
“Sorry about those knees.” He grinned up at me when he said it, brushing back the hair that fell around my face.
The playful, teasing boy was back in full force.
It pulled a grin from me. “They’re going to be scraped up for sure. It seems you need to get carpet in this place.”
I let my fingertips glide over the images on his chest.
“Does that guarantee me a repeat performance?” Mischief wound in the words.
I smacked him on the shoulder, though I laughed, fighting the smile as I peered into the depths of his eyes.
“It just might,” I admitted.
Every hard edge of him softened, and his gaze sifted over my face, like he was searching for any reservations or regrets. “Didn’t bring you back here for that.”
“Isn’t this the way you treat all your friends?” I tried for a tease, but the question thickened with emotion.
He kept brushing back my hair from my face as I gazed down at him.
The man this stunning creature that I wanted to know.
“Is that what we are, darlin’, friends? And here I thought you were going to stab me if I touched you.”
“I think I would have stabbed you if you didn’t.”
“And I think I would’ve died if I had to keep tiptoeing around you the way we’ve been doing the last few days. Hated it. The distance.”
“I hated it, too.”
The truth was, I’d gotten used to his friendship, or whatever other lie we wanted to label it.
The muscles in his body flexed. Torment rose to the surface.
“I fucked it up, Salem. Know it. I just…your daughter…”
That grief strobed like a beacon of devastation in the dark chasm of his eyes.
My heart skipped with the secrets I kept locked tight, panged against the ones I knew Jud was hiding, too.
Still, like a fool, I whispered, “What? What is it? You can tell me anything.”
Ominous laughter floated from his mouth, and his head shook against the hard floor where he lay. “No, see, that’s the problem, Salem. I opened up once and confessed who I was. It didn’t turn out so great.”
I swore the tattoo imprinted on his side burned against my chest.
Grim.
I swallowed back the disquiet, and I fell into the potency of those eyes. Into the gulf of darkness that waited below the surface.
“My wife—”
I didn’t mean for the gasp to get free, but it did, a shock in the air.
Jud’s mouth trembled and he curled his arm tighter around my back.
“I tried to be a better man, Salem. I fucking tried to leave the life I was raised in behind.”
Dread pounded through my blood.
His.
Mine.
A thunder that roared between us.
He looked up at me, no teasing left in the tone of his voice. “Our father was the president of a violent MC. I was raised in the life, Salem. He taught us to raid. To destroy. To kill.”
His teeth ground with the last.
Shame sparked across his flesh.
The air locked in my throat.
Fear and hurt and the rush of his pain.
It was like I could physically feel the ooze of the blood that stained his hands where they burned into my lower back.
I should get up and go.
Run.
Hide.
Pack our things and never look back.
This was the last place I should be. Wrapped up in him.
But I was already there.
Sinking into his being.
The man quicksand.
His tongue stroked over his lips before he continued, “We left that life behind when Gage was born. Got free because there was no chance Trent would raise him that way. We all wanted a second chance. To be something better. To offer something good instead of all the bad.”
His voice drifted with regret, then those eyes were pinning me through as he threaded the fingers of his right hand into my hair. “Met this girl…”
His mouth tipped down at the side. I wanted to bury myself in his body. Hold his pain.
“Loved the fuck outta her.” A rough chuckle came out with the admission. Shards of gutted sorrow.
“Jud…”
He shook his head to cut me off, and he moved to gather up my hand. He pressed my knuckles to his lips before he took a deep breath and forced out the admission. “Promised myself that I would never go back, Salem. That I was going to live clean. Be right.”
Everything quivered around him.
Torment radiating from his body.
The laughter that rolled was spite.
“Got sucked into some old shit, Salem. An old debt the owner had come to collect. My brother Logan…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I had to do it. I had to protect him.”
I couldn’t speak, couldn’t do anything but watch as the agony pinched every line on his face into horror. “But it was fucked, Salem. They asked me to do something I couldn’t. I tried to fix it. Take it back. I tried to stop it, but it was too fuckin’ late. I didn’t mean…”
He choked on that.
Questions whirled through my mind.
My heart wouldn’t let me push him. The only thing I could do was listen. Hold whatever he was willing to give and pray it didn’t destroy me in the end.
He swallowed hard, then forced out, “I confessed it, Salem. I came home and confessed it because I couldn’t stand keeping secrets from her. Couldn’t take any more lies between us. Couldn’t sleep next to her while being riddled with that kind of guilt. But she saw who I really was, Salem. She saw the monster and she packed her things.”
Sympathy crushed my heart. Because I remembered—remembered the words he’d whispered to Eden.
Thank you for seeing him for who he is and not what he’s done.
Grief swam in my spirit.
His wife hadn’t seen that in him. And God, I could feel myself slipping into places I couldn’t go.
Jud’s hand curled over mine, and he ran his palm up and down the back of my hand, as if the motion offered comfort.
Respite.
Reprieve.
I wanted to be that for him.
Then he clamped it down tight as if I could keep him from floating away while the brittle words crumbled from his mouth. “She took our one-year-old daughter with her, Salem. She took her, and I never saw her again.”
Air streaked into my lungs.
Hot and thin.
Agony crushed down. A pain I knew all too well. I fought it. Refused it. The rush of tears that wanted to flee. But this wasn’t about me.
I hugged him tighter like I could be his rock when I’d never been so certain I could be a stumbling stone.
“That’s why I freaked out when I saw Juni. It just…hurt so fuckin’ much. Here was this little girl who’s so close to the same age as my daughter. My daughter who I don’t know. All I know is she’s got black hair and the cutest damned laugh, and she left a crater in me so deep and wide that it can’t ever be filled. I shouldn’t even have you here, Salem. Not for a fuckin’ minute should I get the grace of touching you. But I need you to understand why. It isn’t you or your kid. It’s me. It’s always me.”
“I’m so sorry, Jud.”
He kind of shrugged, attempted a smile that didn’t land. “And I’m just the fool who keeps trying to be better. Doing what’s right. Hoping one day…”
He trailed off at the very second we both realized what he was getting ready to say.
He was waiting for them to come back.
Who said anything about love?
Rejection burned a hole through the middle of me.
God, I was such a fool. So reckless.
But that’s the way he made me, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
I eased off him, no chance of hiding the way I shook.
I turned my face away as I reached for where my underwear and skirt were pooled on the floor, held back the hysterical laughter that wanted to burst from my throat.
The incredulous disbelief that was fully directed at myself.
Because how could I blame him for that?
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
And still, this stupid want burned. My body alive and my heart invested.
I slipped my clothes on while I felt Jud climb to stand behind me.
His presence powerful.
His pants rustled as he resituated them on his hips and zipped them up. Warily, I peeked at him.
He was standing facing away, and I clipped off a gasp when I saw the expanse of his back for the first time.
It was covered in tattoos, as well, though beneath the designs the skin was gnarled and puckered and pink.
As if the man had been burned alive.
A strangled cry clawed up my throat, and I pushed my hand to my mouth to try to cover it.
Jud stiffened when he heard it. When he realized where I was staring.
Trembling like I’d been zapped by a live current, I pushed to standing. My footsteps were unsure, faint as I slipped that way. With a jittering hand, I reached out and traced the marred flesh.
Jud shivered beneath it.
“You deserve someone to see you for who you are and not what you’ve done.” I whispered the truth of what he’d spoken earlier tonight.
God, I wanted it for him.
I cared.
And maybe that made me the biggest fool of all.
When he looked back at me, I saw the sadness that held his expression. “Tried so hard to be worthy of that.”
Jud shifted around, edged in closer. “Thing is, if you saw the ugly parts, you’d go running, too.”
He caressed my cheek. “Maybe that’s exactly what you should do. Problem is how fuckin’ bad I want to keep you.”
All of it felt like a warning.
An omen.
A prophecy.
Then he cracked a grin like he hadn’t cut himself wide open. “Come on, let’s get that sweet ass home. Told you I’d give you a ride. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come through?”
Right.
Friend.
I kept my focus on my feet as I moved for my shoes while Jud snagged his shirt from the floor and redressed, not sure I could handle anything more.
Worried this gravity would finally consume me.
I needed space, and so did he.
It’d become strikingly clear neither of us were in the position for this.
So, we ignored the connection that groaned. Pretended like what we’d shared hadn’t meant much to either of us.
We were nothing but feigned, forged smiles as we moved back through his loft and eased downstairs. But rather than him leading me to his bike where he parked it in his personal bay across the shop, he led me to the pickup parked beside it. He clicked the locks, and we climbed in as the garage door lifted behind us.
The silence between us shouted as loud as the engine.
Jud drove me home.
That energy snapped and boomed and screamed in the cab.
A crackle that called from the depths that we both fought to ignore.
It was near painful by the time he pulled up in front of my house and came to a stop at the curb. He hopped out, ran around the front, and opened the door. He hit me with another one of those deadly grins as I climbed out.
Aloof and carefree.
But I saw the pain written underneath.
I started to walk, only I brushed my hand over his, and I shifted my attention to his rugged, unforgettable face. My voice was haggard as I took a stupid, reckless chance. “Maybe you just need the right person who can see through it.”
His expression dimmed and shifted, the smile beneath his beard sad. “Ah, darlin’, I’m afraid a love like that might hurt too damned bad.”
Warily, I nodded, and I stumbled up the walkway. At the doorway, I paused and looked back at him. He’d shut the passenger door and had leaned against the metal, his hands back in those pockets and a foot kicked over his ankle.
“Friends?” he asked.
“If that’s the only way you’ll have me.” With a soft smile on my face, I tossed back what he’d given me.
Jud chuckled. “Ah, Sweet Enchantress, there is somethin’ about you.”
A tender smile tweaked at my mouth, and my chest pulsed full, and I had no idea where I stood. How far I would fly or where I would land. If I’d run or if I’d stay, but I knew, without question, I would never regret experiencing tonight with this man.
I gave him a tiny wave before I eased my key into the lock, and I slipped inside.
I jumped when I noticed a dark figure hovering by the kitchen archway, then I heaved out the shock on a long breath when I realized it was Darius. “Shit. You scared me.”
Disgust twisted his face. “Told you to stay away from him.”
My entire being trembled. “You don’t get to tell me that.”
Rage vibrated to his bones. He inclined his head as he approached. “When I’m doing this for you? Trying to protect you? Trying to give you and your daughter a chance at a normal life?”
My heart beat hard, a thunder in my chest, and Darius came even closer, grating the words two inches from my face. “Then yes, Salem, I do.”
SEVENTEEN
SALEM
SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
Salem shifted uneasily where she sat with her butt barely hanging onto the edge of the couch cushion. She felt so out of place.
Out of sorts.
Like she didn’t belong.
Okay, there was no like to it.
It was a simple fact.
She was reminded of it when Darius shot her another glare from across the throbbing room where he was huddled with a group of his friends against the far wall.
The party was packed, the lights cut dim, though colored strobes flashed from where the DJ was set up. The pulsing beat boomed at a deafening level, making it almost impossible to hear.
Forcing her attention from the daggers her brother was shooting her, Salem took an uncomfortable sip from her beer and tried to pay attention to Talia who had some random guy flirting with her.
Talia turned to Salem with a salacious look.
“See, I told you it would be a blast,” Talia shouted above the din.
“Total blast.” Salem all but rolled her eyes.
Talia reached out and grabbed her by the wrist, shook it around. “Come on, have fun. Why are you the boringest borer ever?”
Salem couldn’t help but giggle. “I’m not boring.”
Talia looked at her. Deadpan. Nothing but a disbelieving blink.
Salem sighed. “Okay, fine.”
But she took life seriously. Her goals. Her dreams. The fact that she was going to make her mimi proud, go to college, have a home of her own.
She was determined to take care of her grandmother the way she’d taken care of Salem and Darius.
It didn’t leave a whole lot of time for this.
Which was fine because it didn’t feel like her scene, anyway. She’d have preferred hiding out in her room watching a movie with her best friend rather than watching a guy who was clearly too old for Talia feeding her a cheesy line that she ate up like candy.
Or maybe it was just that Salem felt like a third wheel.
A spare.
In the way.
Because no one flirted with her.
Ever.
So she tried to hide her unease behind her cup. To fade into the shadows the way she did.
Only Talia nudged her with her elbow hard. “Look who’s here.”
Salem looked up to find a new crew coming through the front door. Five of them. The air changed when they did. An unsettled charge of unease and intrigue as they walked in.
She wanted to hole up under the weight of it, but she was frozen, locked under the eyes that latched onto her after Carlo had surveyed the crowd.
It was as if he’d sifted through purposefully in search of a wallflower.
Someone clapped him on the shoulder, and Carlo turned to him, and Salem breathed out when she was freed of his piercing gaze.
Her stomach unsure.
Attracted…but…not.
She never could quite put her finger on it.
So, she watched from afar, the interactions that didn’t seem so by chance going down across the room.
The low voice in which Carlo spoke to her brother with their heads tipped together, as if giving instruction as Darius nodded along.
A command of the room.
A deal she realized as there was the shaking of hands.
The dirty kind, she realized just as fast, or maybe she’d just caught on to what she already knew.
The way Darius all of a sudden had money.
