Wicked Envy, page 19
Of course, one could say I sent that text as a test. Would he take the out I’m giving him not to have to deal with an emotionally fraught woman, or would he come through for me in the end?
CHAPTER 27
Dane
My office door flies open, and Andrew comes barreling through with fury blazing in his eyes. I actually expected it, so I’m braced and ready for a fight.
“What in the fuck are you doing here?” he snarls as he comes to stand on the opposite side of my desk and slams his palms down so hard it shakes.
“I’m working,” I say calmly, refusing to raise my voice to match his.
“You’re kidding me, right? Avril’s at home, having just pulled the plug on Jamie yesterday. You didn’t bother going to see her last night, but I thought for sure you could manage a little bit of time this morning to go see her.”
“She texted me not to come by last night,” I point out.
“You’re not that stupid,” Andrew growls. “It didn’t matter what she texted. She needed you last night, and you bailed.”
“I’m sorry if this isn’t affecting me the way it’s affecting you and Avril,” I growl back, starting to lose my patience with his holier-than-thou attitude.
“What?” Andrew says with a jerk of his chin inward.
“I can’t feel bad about a man I despised dying. He cheated on her, betrayed her, and hurt her. I’m not going to feel bad about it.”
“God… you are fucking stupid,” Andrew says with a laugh that holds absolutely no humor. “You don’t have to feel bad about it for Jamie’s sake, but you sure as fuck should feel bad your girlfriend is hurting right now and needs you.”
I shrug and look over at my laptop. “She has you consoling her. That’s always been what you’re good at.”
I’m not prepared for Andrew’s hand to lash out, grab my laptop, and hurl it across the room. It hits one of my built-ins, and the screen detaches and goes flying.
“What the fuck?” I yell as I charge up out of my chair and round the desk.
“I just told you that your girlfriend is hurting and you want me to handle it?” Andrew whispers, his entire body vibrating with rage. I’ve never seen him this mad in the entire time I’ve known him.
Something seems to explode inside of me, releasing every bit of emotion I’d been holding onto the last twenty-four hours. My hands curl into fists, and I lean into Andrew as I snarl, “Well, why the fuck is she hurting? Unless she still has feelings for him. Here she is, fucking me… saying she loves me, and now she falls to pieces because that piece of shit who betrayed her is dead.”
Andrew just blinks a few times with wide eyes and takes a step back from me. His voice is quiet but strong in his belief. “You really are a moron.”
I make a scoffing sound and turn my back on him to go back around my desk. I sit down, lean back, and steeple my hands in front of me. “Love is an illusion, Andrew. It makes people feel good to believe in it, but I never have. I know it’s as fragile as glass but nowhere near as clear. Avril said she loved me, and I couldn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t say it back. Hell, I didn’t want to say it back because I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And now it has.”
“You know—”
“I thought I knew what it all meant,” I cut him off as I settle further back into my chair. “I thought it meant you put the person you love above all else. That you would do anything for that person. Sacrifice anything for love. But if a father can’t even do that for his own son, how could I ever believe a woman would do that for me?”
“Because it’s Avril, you asshole,” Andrew throws back at me through gritted teeth. “You’ve known her longer than your dad. How can you not fucking know this? How can you not believe in her?”
“Because I just watched her fall to pieces over another man. After she told me she loved me. Do you realize the level of trust I had to put in her just to make it as far as I did, and then in the blink of an eye, she’s mourning another man?”
Andrew sighs wearily and scrubs his hands over his face. “Look, Dane… I get that was hard to take, but cut her some slack. She had been in love with him. He died unexpectedly. And he died because she signed the papers to pull the plug. You have to let her have some feelings about it.”
Now I sigh, turning my head and looking out the window. I can’t stand to look at the condemnation on Andrew’s face. “Every insecurity I’ve ever had about love and commitment has surfaced. Every ugly thing I ever thought about every stupid fool who chose to believe in love came roaring at me like an avalanche. I might be wrong. Hell, I probably am, but if I can’t handle something like this with Avril, how can I fucking handle anything? It’s just too much. I’m not equipped to—”
A knock on the door stops me in midsentence, and my throat constricts when I see Avril walking through.
She looks like hell. Her hair is caught up in a messy knot, and she’s wearing jeans and a ratty long-sleeve Berkley t-shirt. Her skin is pale and there are dark circles under her eyes. My stomach clenches as I consider that much of her appearance is because she’s grieving for Jamie. I held her in my arms while she sobbed out her misery and pain for another man. And every tear that fell made me convinced that her declaration of love for me was hollow.
“Were you two just talking about me?” she asks as she looks from me to Andrew. I know my face is blank because that’s about how I feel on the inside, but Andrew’s looks guilty as shit.
Neither one of us answer her.
She takes a few steps into my office. “I repeat, were you talking about me?”
Andrew gives a little cough and takes a step toward her. “Yes. We are worried about you.”
Avril gives a cynical laugh. “I believe you are worried about me, Andrew,” she says in a voice that quavers with anger. She turns her head to look at me. “But you, Dane… if you were really worried, you would have done more. You would have come to see me, or called me. There are a million fucking ways you could have let me know you cared but instead, you’re hiding away and letting Andrew do what you should be doing.”
“I sent you a text,” I say. But the minute the words are out, I know how lame they are.
“Oh, yes,” Avril says with sarcasm practically dripping from her mouth. “Such a thoughtful text. Have some meetings this morning; Drew has you covered. Will come by later. That hit me right in the feels, Dane.”
Guilt clogs my throat, but my hackles stay firmly raised because now both of my best friends are attacking me. Granted, it’s well deserved, but I’m just not in the fucking mood to deal with all this.
We engage in a staring war, Avril’s eyes pinned on me with a mixture of anger and perpetual hope, and it kills me. I keep mine impassively neutral, which I can tell is making her more pissed off.
Finally, she turns to look at Andrew. “Do you mind giving us a few minutes alone?”
Andrew smiles at her and nods. He walks right up to her and loops an arm around her neck, pulling her in close so he can whisper something in her ear. Whatever he’s saying is resonating because she nods her head in agreement.
My chest burns when he hugs her hard, and then kisses her temple. His lips linger there for far too long in my opinion, but I keep my mouth shut.
Andrew doesn’t look back at me once as he heads out the door, and I know he’s beyond disappointed in me.
Oh, well… he’ll get the fuck over it or he won’t.
My gaze comes back to Avril, who calmly walks over to one of the chairs opposite my desk. She perches on the edge of the seat, back ramrod straight and hands clasped loosely in her lap.
She looks assured and determined. My entire body feels coiled so tight I feel like I’ll burst apart at any moment.
“Andrew just gave me some good advice,” she says quietly. “He told me to give you the benefit of the doubt, because this was hard on you too and you’re having some issues processing. So, I’m going to do just that.”
“You shouldn’t,” I tell her without thought. The words are cruel and meant to set the tone that I regret nothing right now.
Avril takes another breath, and although she’s trying to come off as composed, her voice trembles slightly. “So, you don’t think it was incredibly callous not to come check on me? Or have an ounce of sympathy for me? Or give me your shoulder to cry on?”
Fuck… of course I sympathized with her, and it killed me to see her so upset. But it killed me that she was so upset over him, and I can’t shake that loose no matter how hard I try or how much she wants to give me the benefit of the doubt.
I lean forward in my chair, placing my forearms on my desk. I realize how much this entire scenario looks like a business meeting. Like we’re discussing something extremely grave and important that could impact Caterva, yet we’re talking about our lives here.
“I don’t have it in me, Av,” I tell her. As expected, the disappointment in her eyes makes me feel shittier than I’ve ever felt in my life. “I’m sorry.”
I can’t say anymore. I certainly can’t tell her how unstable I felt seeing her mourn over another man, or that my insecurities and vulnerabilities got the best of me. No way am I admitting that to her, because it makes me weaker than her and that will be my personal shame.
There is no way I can tell her I don’t trust her. That I tried, and I thought I could work with these new feelings, but the first time she showed the slightest hint of abandoning me—even if it was just to grieve for a past love—it made me question every single action and word she’d ever given me.
“So, this is it?” she asks, her voice raspy as tears fill her eyes. “We’re over and we just go back to what… being best friends?”
“If we can,” I reply, but even I know that’s not how this works. I just broke her heart, and there’s no way she’s ever going to laugh with me again the way friends should.
“We can’t,” she whispers. Despite how soft the words sound, they have the force of a steel door slamming shut on me. Something deep and painful aches in the center of my chest, but I ignore it.
“Maybe in time—”
“No,” she cuts in on me as she stands up. She looks down at me. With more determination in her voice than I’ve ever heard, she says. “Never. I knew the risks. I knew what I stood to lose by trying to make something with you. I knew that the friendship was the stake, and I was prepared to lose it because I thought you were worth trying for. But apparently, I was wrong.”
God, she was so fucking wrong.
Despair hits me, presses down upon me… turns the world gray right before my eyes. I failed her and myself, but really… I sort of felt this was the way it would turn out.
“The hurt you’ve caused me… I can’t come back from that, Dane,” she says, and the pain in my chest becomes unbearable.
Thankfully, I don’t have to face her anymore as she turns and walks quietly out of my office.
CHAPTER 28
Avril
Andrew holds my hand as we walk to his car. The graveside service for Jamie was nice. Jared spoke, as did a few other friends. It was awkward for me to see them, and I sat in the back row to keep my distance as I wasn’t sure what to say.
Hi. Nice seeing you. I’m the woman who broke Jamie’s heart and then signed the documents for him to die.
Andrew squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back. He’s been my rock, not only giving me the support to express my grief over Jamie’s death, but also for the sudden demise of my relationship with Dane. I haven’t gone back into work since I walked out of Dane’s office. Andrew’s been at my house during the days, working diligently from my living room. I didn’t need him there, but the fact he wanted to be there for me was sustaining enough. At my insistence, he went home each night so he could have the comfort of his own bed and I could cry myself to sleep without him hearing me.
“You okay?” Andrew asks as we walk side by side over other cemetery plots toward his car.
“I’m all cried out,” I reply tiredly. “Not a drop left.”
My tears for Jamie were expended before I walked out of the hospital. Every tear since has been laid at Dane’s doorstep, but I woke up this morning and couldn’t muster a single one.
Andrew leads me to the passenger side of his car and holds the door for me while I get in. As he walks around the front, I admire his strength—not from a physical perspective—but from an emotional one. Out of the three of us, Andrew ended up being the one who was best equipped to deal with the fallout.
Doesn’t mean he’s not pissed as hell at Dane, though. He’s cursed and vilified him relentlessly for the last three days. But he’s also told me that he thinks he’ll come around.
It’s a nice sentiment, but one I don’t share. I know Dane better than Andrew does. I know firsthand how deeply his issues with his father go. When Dane said he didn’t have it in him, he meant it and I believed him.
The drive back to my house is quiet. That’s the sign of a good friendship—when you don’t have to fill the void with useless conversation.
Besides… I really don’t have much to say. Quiet is very much what I want and need right now.
When we pull into my driveway, Andrew hesitates before turning off the ignition. “Do you want me to come in?”
I turn to give him a smile. “Actually… I do. There’s something I need to give you.”
“Okay,” he says as he turns the car off.
I lead him into the house. After dropping my purse to the floor and kicking off my black funeral heels, I walk into my bedroom. Andrew follows and when he steps inside, he lets out a long breath of surprise.
“What’s going on?” he says as he takes note of the four suitcases I have packed, along with several boxes that have been taped up and labeled.
I turn to face him, crossing my arms over my stomach. I want to be strong with my words, but they come out shaky. “I’m leaving.”
“On a vacation?” he asks dubiously, but by the packed boxes, he knows that’s not the right question.
Without comment, I walk to my dresser and pick up two large sealed envelopes and a smaller one. I turn back to him and hold the small envelope out to him. He looks at it like it’s a bomb getting ready to detonate.
I take one more step and thrust it into his hand. “That’s my letter of resignation from Caterva effective immediately.”
“Jesus fuck,” Andrew yells as he puts his hands on top of his head, the envelope crushed in his grip. “Av… no. This is not the answer.”
“It is,” I say quietly.
Andrew tosses the envelope on my bed and stomps up to me. His hands come to my shoulders, and he bends his face close to mine. “Talk to me, please. What do you need to figure out? Let me help you get through this.”
My head starts shaking in denial before he finishes talking. “There is no figuring it out.”
“I know he hurt you—”
“He shredded me, Andrew. He didn’t just hurt me or break my heart. He sliced me up from the inside out, and the pain is excruciating. I cannot be around him. I just can’t.”
“Then take a fucking sabbatical or something until you can get past this—”
“Andrew,” I say forcefully, and his mouth snaps shut. “I can’t get past it. There is no getting past this type of loss for me.”
“You’re acting rashly,” he argues, and yeah… he has a point there. But I know this is right. I can’t continue to be a part of Dane’s life at all. That means no friendship and no working relationship. Andrew sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. “How did this get so fucked up?”
I walk over and sit next to him, leaning over to put my head on his shoulder. The other two envelopes I need to give him are in my lap.
“There were so many risks we took.” My voice is thick with sorrow and regret. “We all knew the potential consequences. We all had our eyes wide open. And I honestly thought it would be okay, you know? I even foolishly thought to myself, ‘If worse came to worst and we didn’t work out, I could get past it.’ I mean, we’re best friends. We can get past anything, right?”
“I don’t know, Av,” Andrew returns softly as he puts an arm around me. “I’m not in your shoes.”
“I know you think I’ve been holed up in this house for three days mourning Jamie, but I haven’t. I mean, it was terrible and tragic, but I’ve been thinking. Just sitting and thinking and thinking some more until my head hurts. I’ve been through it a million times in my mind, and Andrew… trust me, I just can’t go back to being his friend and loving him like a friend. It would be too painful for me, seeing him day in and day out… loving him but it not being returned. It would crush my soul, and I’m not giving that up for anyone.”
Andrew lets out a resigned sigh, and his arm tightens around me.
“I gambled, Drew,” I murmur. “I rolled the dice. I went all in knowing damn well he might not be able to go all in with me. What I didn’t figure out was how bad it would hurt. And it hurt because he so easily gave up. He didn’t even try. Caved at the first stumbling block. His message was that I wasn’t worth the effort. It shredded me to know I wasn’t even important enough to try… to get past the discomfort and awkwardness of it all to him.”
Andrew releases me and leans away so he can turn to look at me. “You do get he has insecurities, right? He was not handling how badly Jamie’s death upset you.”
“Of course, I know that. I know that because I know Dane. I know him probably better than he knows himself. I’ve seen firsthand the demons that chase him.”
Tilting his head, Andrew looks at me with wide eyes. “What kind of demons?”
I don’t answer him, just pick up one of the large envelopes and hand it to him. “My house is getting listed for sale next week.”
Andrew curses. “Fuck… this is really happening, isn’t it?”
I don’t respond to his question. “The realty company is going to handle putting the rest of my stuff in long-term storage. I named you as my power of attorney and the documents are in here, so you can handle the closing when the house sells. Will you do that for me?”
