Something So Lovely, page 33
"Sel, I thought you liked him?" Though he's right, Kal has been the most attentive he's ever been. Sometimes it almost feels like it did before, but knowing what he did changed things. Those old feelings of intense love haven't come back, though their shadows still remain.
"I did, until the truth came out." Sel avoids looking at me as he speaks. "I thought I knew him. I loved him."
"I did, too." I look at the floor. I'd had my suspicions about how deep their relationship had gone, but I feel so disconnected from Kal that even this confirmation doesn't shake me. It only makes me sad for both of us.
"Allie?" He gets my attention back. "Are you happy?"
I don't have an answer for him, even if I don't want to look away from him.
"Can I do anything?"
"You do enough."
"Do I?" He gives a curt sigh. "I can spend more time with you. I can... try and keep Kalav from following you around like some lost dog."
"Sel, I—"
"Maybe I can talk to Michael about bringing you home."
"I—"
"You deserve so much better, little love."
"I know I do." But I pause, wondering if I really mean what I'm saying. "Kal's getting better, and he does back off when I ask him to."
"Do you still love him?"
"No." The answer comes quickly; I don't even need to think about it. He smiles, but I can tell he's holding something back. It's not like him. I'm only given a moment to wonder, though.
He moves quicker than I can think but with a deliberate slowness that would let me stop him if I wanted to. If I wanted to... but I don't. He is gentle, barely touching me at all, as he cups my cheek and graces my lips with his. I feel instantly light. I feel safe in his arms. He takes my breath right out of my body and I find myself more than leaning in, my hands wrap around him, too, and I don't even have to think about it. Never, not once, have we ever talked about this... but now that it's happening, I can't—
I feel a chill run through my entire body when someone clears their throat, making us move quickly away from each other. Though I just claimed to not love him, Kal's distraught expression makes my heart sink through the floor to the lowest levels of burning Hell. Instead of saying anything to us, he turns away, leaving the door open. Sel and I exchange panicked looks before Kal comes back with my little cat demon, his hands over his eyes. Kal flashes us one look that tells us we are not discussing this in front of Danny, and I'm both grateful and horrified knowing that I won't have to address it right away.
"Okay, Dan, are you ready for your surprise?" Kal effortlessly turns that charm on. It is comforting to know that Danny's been spared the worst of what we went through, and likely isn't fully aware of Kal's misdeeds. At least one of us got to keep our innocence intact.
"I'm ready!" Danny bounces in place. Sel and I exchange smiles, knowing his reaction will be something both of us have needed. Kal also smiles at me before he speaks again.
"Open your eyes," Kal folds his arms over his chest, watching as Danny does as he's told. I put my best smile on as his giant brown eyes set on me and his entire body freezes, shock painted across his face.
"Miss... Kalliope?" He looks quickly from me to Sel, then to Kal, who nods with a grin. He takes one step toward me with his arms reaching out. I meet him halfway and let him all but tackle me to the ground.
"I knew you'd beat Emmanuel again!" He cries. "I told them! I told everyone! They didn't believe me but I knew!"
"You're right, Danny. I couldn't leave you behind." I give him one big squeeze before I let him go and stand with Sel's help.
"Miss Kalliope, I protected everyone while you were gone!" He looks very proud of himself. I can't help but smile.
"He did." Kal laughs a little. "He was very good at keeping us all safe."
"I'm so proud of you." I smile to hide the fear that strikes me thinking about what would have happened if Emmanuel had tried to do anything to anyone while I was under his confinement. Danny never seemed to comprehend just how evil he could be, even in the aftermath of his near-death experience.
"Miss Kalliope, I read all the books you let me borrow!"
"We read them together." Sel is smiling, too. "We spent quite a lot of time together in your absence."
"Yes! I learned that angels are not scary. Sel is my friend!" Danny seems so proud of himself, and I am too.
"I'm so grateful you were here to keep everyone company." I have to laugh. At least he wasn't alone. I'm glad he was there to fill the gap I'd like to think I left while I was gone.
"Miss Kalliope, can I ask you something?" He sort of shuffles his feet as he looks to the floor.
"Of course you can, my sweet boy." I offer him my hand for reassurance, and he takes it, holding on tightly.
"Are you going to leave again?" His ears tuck back, his eyes trained on me like I might disappear in front of him. The sudden shift is jarring. I have no idea how he processed me being gone, I have no idea how to explain to him I don't have control over what happens.
"I don't want to leave again." I hold his hand tighter. "But if I do, I'll come back. I promise." I hate not knowing if it's even something I can really promise him.
"Did you leave because you were unhappy? Did I do a bad job?"
"No, I didn't want to leave, but—"
"Danny," Kal says, putting his hand on the little cat's shoulder. "You were very good at your job. She wasn't unhappy because of you... We had a fight, and..." He glances at us with a look I know is begging us to play along. "Kalliope was very sad. Emmanuel told her lies and took her away because of our fight. Now that she's back, we're not fighting, so you don't have to worry."
He would have made a good father. I hate it.
"Oh." Danny looks back at me, very seriously. "Miss Kalliope, are you happy right now?"
"I'm so happy right now." I say with a smile I only have to force a little bit. He looks relieved, and he hugs me again.
"I won't let Emmanuel tell you any more lies, Miss Kalliope! I'll keep you happy forever."
"I know you will," I hug him back and let him stay there as long as he needs. When he finally does pull away, he seems content that we've all told him the truth, because he's returned to his usual bouncy self.
"Dan," Kal says in a very gentle voice, "Miss Kalliope and I have something we need to talk about. You should head home. You can come see her again any time you want, okay?"
"Okay, yes! I'll come back very soon!" He grins and turns to me. "If you're ever not happy, Miss Kalliope, you come tell me so I can fix it!"
"Of course, Danny, I will."
"Remember Dan, you can't tell anyone she's here. It's a secret, okay? No one can know." Kal is stern as he speaks.
"Got it! I won't tell anyone!" Dan is so serious as he agrees, it only makes me smile more. He gives me one more tight hug before he, with all the energy of an excited child, bounds off. In his absence, the three of us stand still in the room. It isn't until Kal takes a deep breath and looks from me to Sel, a new and pained expression on his face, that I feel like I am thrown headfirst into that cold earthly river again.
"So." Kal clears his throat. "You two—"
"It was nothing." Sel says quickly, his eyes darting from me to Kal. He gives one of his subtle little chuckles and runs his hand through his hair with a shrug. "We've been best friends for such a long time, I thought maybe everyone else saw something I didn't. I just had to know, but there was nothing there." He looks at me and my heart sinks once again. I know that look, I have seen that particular smile before. "I'm sorry I surprised you like that, Allie. You're my best friend... You always will be."
"Y-yeah," I agree feebly. "There wasn't anything there, but we'll always be best friends."
We are both terrible, awful, God-forsaken liars.
"You have the worst timing, as always." Sel laughs again as he turns back to Kal. I turn to him too, a nervous feeling rising through my core. I don't even really understand why I seem to care about his reaction to this... I don't think I love him anymore, I don't know how I could after what he did. But the look of pain on his face is something I can feel viscerally, and I know we haven't convinced him or ourselves of anything.
"Allie?" Kal stares at me though his eyes are glazed over, like he's looking at something far away. "Can I speak with you alone, please?"
All I can do in response is nod. Sel sighs and gives me one last long look before he leaves the room, pausing for the briefest of moments at the door without looking back. I wish he would. I wish he'd come back. I wish more than anything he wouldn't—
"I know I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, Allie..." Kal's voice breaking, actually breaking, snaps me back to the reality of him standing in front of me like he's now the scared, anxious one. "I know I don't deserve to feel jealous, but it wasn't real until I saw you and him."
"What wasn't real?" Not this. This doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm floating outside of my body, like this is another Ast dream.
"I lost you." He takes one hesitant step to me, but I don't move. I can't. He takes another, and then suddenly he's in front of me with nowhere near enough space between us. For a second, I'm transported back to those stolen kisses where he took my face in his hands and my soul intertwined with his, but I'm also reminded of hitting him so hard he flew across a room. I see the scars I left on him, and I don't know how I can ever look past those to see the Kal I used to love.
It takes everything in me to not jump back when he moves again. Pitiful, defeated, he sinks to his knees and stares up at me. This is not the gentle loving gesture from the party that started everything. This is terrible. This is a new form of torture Emmanuel could never have inflicted on me, but somehow a torture that only exists because of him.
While looking at Kal, I see what Emmanuel must have seen when I was on my knees in the throne room of his castle. When the torment and endless torture had gotten to be too much and I was desperate. When I was willing to do anything he wanted me to just for a moment free from the nightmare, no matter how depraved.
"I don't deserve your forgiveness." How could Kal possibly know the words I said to Emmanuel as I knelt in front of him?
How can I simultaneously be back in that tattered, dark throne room on my knees, and still here in this library watching Kal on his?
"I will do anything." Kal takes my hands between his, bowing his head so my fingers touch his forehead. "I will follow you wherever you go, I will throw myself in front of anything coming your way."
"Kal—" I need him to stop. I need this to stop. My heart beats violently in my throat, throbbing in my ears, threatening to burst from behind my eyes. The moment I begged Emmanuel for any kind of reprieve from the pain settles in my lungs and chokes me.
"You would be God for me, Allie."
I feel sick.
"I will worship you."
I never wanted this.
"I will account myself to only you. Please... let me be at your side. Let me serve you, the way you deserve, or else I'm asking you to just kill me. If you could find the mercy, I—"
"Stop." I manage to speak without the ability to breathe. Kal looks up at me, still holding my hands, and I have to hold back the urge to vomit. I don't see him, I see me, and for a split second I finally feel what Emmanuel felt when I had been driven to the point I would say anything to make it all stop. There's an infinitesimally small part of me that is scarier than anything else; it is worse than anything I've been through to this point. It's a feeling that radiates numbing, tingling pins and needles through every inch of my skin.
I like seeing him beg.
I like the thought of denying him.
I like the thought that it would hurt.
As softly as I can, I remove my hands from his and watch the panic flash in his eyes. I take a deep breath and exhale, touching my fingers to his face, covering the marks I put permanently in his skin while I keep eye contact with him.
"I will give you one chance." I try to keep the sound of these words in Emmanuel's voice out of my head, though they're the same words he spoke to me with his hands where mine are now. There are no other words I can find to say. "But you need to prove your loyalty to me. This is it. If you can do this, someday I can forgive you."
I can't stop my hands from shaking. Kal can't possibly know the echoes of cruelty that bleed through my mind. He will never, not if I can help it, understand exactly what I had to do to be here to hold him the same way I was held before it got so much worse for me than I ever thought possible. He will never know what it is taking to not do those things to him, out of love I don't know if I can ever give in to again.
How can I be so loved and so alone at the same time?
"You won't regret this, Allie. I swear it." He reaches up and holds my hands again, pressing my palms against his cheeks. "I will do anything."
"Stand up." I demand, trying to make my voice stronger than I am. He obeys immediately while not breaking eye contact with me for a moment. I feel myself falter as I take one deep, shaking breath. "Be quiet and hold me like you used to."
Again, he obeys without hesitation. He envelops me with his warmth and that fiery warm berry scent I used to crave, and like a moth to a flame, I feel that terrifying need of him rise inside me like a hibernating beast. Even though his love is not a place I belong in anymore, it's the only place left for me to be.
Chapter 45
Kal usually sleeps in the room with me. Not near enough that he's encroaching on my personal space, typically I will wake up to find him on the couch. At first I felt bad about taking his own bed away from him, but he insisted. It's the only place in the mansion I'm not afraid to wake up in. There is something comforting knowing I'm not alone when I wake up from those nightmares. Knowing that even if it has to be Kal, at least it's someone.
Sel has been distant since he kissed me. I didn't think it would change things, but he only stays with me when no one else can. He's friendly but it feels like he's keeping me at arm's length. He doesn't linger. He doesn't hug me anymore. I keep wondering if I made a mistake by denying him in front of Kal. He said his job was to take care of me, and it feels like I ruined that.
Some things never truly change. As I jolt awake from another nightmare, I'm greeted by not-hushed-enough voices on the other side of the barely closed door when I finally come back to reality.
"Stop avoiding her and stop acting like a child!" Kal sounds mad. He barely tries to keep his voice down.
"You're one to talk!" Sel sounds equally upset, and it is still not something I'm used to.
"Yeah, I'm the one who usually screws up Sel, that's exactly why I have no clue what's wrong with you. She needs you the way you two used to be."
"It's never going to be like that again!" I feel my heart sink as he says it.
"Look, I don't care what you have to tell yourself to make it okay. Just get in there and be her friend until I get back."
"Can't you just—"
"No, Michael and Dad made it really clear that this is not negotiable. The only reason you're not in this meeting too is because someone needs to stay with her, and you're supposedly her best friend. She'll probably just sleep the whole time anyway. If I have to deal with my shit, so do you."
I hear Sel start to argue, but Kal's footsteps slowly fading down the hall make it clear he's not going to allow it. I feel my heart constricting as it hits me that Kal, my betrayer, has to beg my favorite person to sit in a room with me while I'm not even conscious. Was it so bad I agreed that we were best friends? Was it wrong to follow along with him saying it meant nothing at all? Or worse... Was he telling the truth?
Sel slinks quietly into the room. After he shuts the door I don't hear him sit down or even move. Is he watching me? Is he even there? Maybe he closed the door without coming in. Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe he—
"I know you're awake."
Of course he does. He's my best friend.
"Yeah." It's all I can muster.
"How much of that did you hear?"
"Enough." I start to tear up thinking about all the awful things he could say next. The thought that I might not mean as much to him anymore is enough to make me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. It's worse than anything Kal ever did to me. It's almost comparable to Emmanuel's torture.
"Allie..." He sighs. "I think... we need to have a conversation about—"
"No." If he doesn't say anything it can't be true. If he doesn't say he wants to leave, it can't be real. If he wants to never see me again, I don't want to hear it.
"Then if I talk, will you listen?"
I don't have the strength to give him an answer. If this has to end, I don't want to be complicit in it. I hear the gentle sound of him removing his shoes. I don't remember the last time I wore shoes. I don't think I have the entire time I've been back. The sound is followed by the bed moving ever so slightly as he sits behind me. He takes several long, deep breaths before he says anything.
"I never wanted to be one of the people who hurt you." He pauses. "I shouldn't have kissed you like that. It was—"
"What did I do wrong?" I blurt out, emotion evident in my voice though I wish I could hold it back. When he remains silent, I slowly sit up and take even longer to look at him. Sel. My best friend. My protector, though I didn't know it. My love, though I never noticed it until it was too late. I don't know what I thought I would see when I looked into those honey-brown eyes that are the closest thing to sunlight I can bear to look at, but it wasn't the mirror of my own pain.
"Nothing." He breathes the word. "My little love, you've never done a single thing wrong."
"Then why—"
"I ruined our friendship with that stupid kiss." He says quickly.
"You didn't—"
"Haven't I? The way you look at me, the way you sound, it's all changed. I've tried to distance myself from you so I don't upset you anymore, but... it hurts, Allie. It's selfish, but I can't lose your friendship because I felt something you didn't—"
"I lied." I can't take my eyes off of him. "When I said there was nothing there, I lied. I don't know why I did, but you—"
