Something So Lovely, page 21
But you have a responsibility.
A responsibility I never wanted. There's always been someone more qualified for doing important things. I don't want to do important things. I just want to exist. I want to be allowed to go where I want, do what I want unmonitored. I want oblivious monotony back. I want the old, nice, quiet me back.
No one else can do what you can do.
But I don't want to.
You're not alone.
But I feel so alone.
They can't help you if you don't tell them.
I don't need help.
Everyone needs help.
I don't want help.
You can't exist angry forever.
I'm not angry. I was, but I'm not really angry... I'm scared. I'm scared of dying, I'm scared of Emmanuel, and now I'm scared of my own friends.
The people I just walked away from are not the same people in the nightmare. I know that, deep down, I know that. Now I'm the nightmare, and they are scared. Scared of me. Little me who is carrying more than I can hold but refusing to let anyone help. That's what has to change.
I have to change.
Chapter 29
The walk to the library is slow. There may not even be anyone still there when I get back. Maybe that was it for me. Maybe they gave up on me. I think I really did hurt Kal. I put a lot of force behind that hit. The last time I accidentally hit him with the Neutrality, I know it hurt, and this time wasn't an accident. I wanted to hurt him. There's probably no way he will forgive me. He was trying to help me. Even if I didn't want it, he knew I needed it. Did I just lose him?
The door to the library is open just as I left it. Maybe they are still here. If they'd just listen to my apology, I could tell them... tell them I'm just scared. I could tell them about the nightmare. Maybe they'd understand. If they're my friends, really my friends, they'll listen to me.
I don't try to be quiet, but no one hears me come in. They are all in serious conversation. Against my better judgment, I stop behind a bookshelf to listen. As I have come to expect, I'm listening to a conversation about me, while they say things they would never say to my face.
"When she comes back, we have to be nothing but supportive." Michael sounds shaken. Scared, like me. "I've never seen her like this. Maybe I should get Selaphiel here to help? He knows her better than anyone. He'll know what to say."
"We have to be careful." Kal gasps and groans in pain as he speaks. "That was not her. If we let her keep going like this, she will turn out like Emmanuel. This is how he started, and it's how he got me started." Wait, what? They think that I... I could be like Emmanuel? Kal thinks I could be like that?
Then again, he may not be wrong. I know that as I touch my cheek with my fingers and remember how those scars got there. The violent passion Emmanuel used to put them there was the same energy I have felt all day: an undying rage I will have to learn to kill if I want to avoid becoming... that.
"I'm not losing another person to him." Heath sounds appalled at the thought. "I can't lose any more people."
"Someone should go looking for her." Lucifer says quietly. "She's been out there long enough that Emmanuel will realize she's alone."
"I'll go." Kal clearly tries to stand, but Michael stops him.
"I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but that is a bad idea. She almost killed you. Did she really not tell you anything at all that would make this make sense?"
"She didn't tell me she was unhappy... not out loud. I thought we were fine. We were... close, very close. She seemed happy."
"She just blasted you across the room, so we can gather she's not thrilled with you." Lucifer sounds angry now. "I'll go and find her. I'll drag her back here if I have to."
"Be gentle with her! Just... let her know we really do care." Michael, again, sighing heavily. "She's not one of your sons. She needs to know we all love her. You can't go after her with—"
My feet move on their own, making Michael stop in the middle of his sentence as I step out from behind the bookcase like I just happened to come in at the perfect time. Lucifer and Michael are standing, with everyone else sitting. Kal looks uncomfortable as he lounges awkwardly in a chair, obviously trying to appear as though he isn't in massive pain. Does he not want me to realize what I did? I wish he wouldn't try to protect me. That's what got us here. That is what has fed the anger that fuels me.
I've never felt smaller than I do now, watching them stare at me with no reaction. This is worse than the feelings of rage and fear. I don't want them to look at me like I'll blow up at any moment. I don't want any of them to look at me like they're afraid of me. I'm not a monster. I'm not Emmanuel.
"We need to talk." I don't sound confident like I wanted to, I sound like a child that got caught doing something wrong. I look at the ground so I don't cry.
"Clearly, we do." Lucifer says, and though he sounds like his usually commanding, demanding, pretentious self... there is sympathy there, too. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Lucifer!" Michael snaps at him even though he's right.
"I'm scared." My voice breaks. "I'm angry."
"What are you so angry about?" Michael, despite chastising Lucifer, fails at sounding like he isn't also accusing me of something.
"I don't have any control over anything!" I look up at him, unintentionally matching his tone. "Emmanuel is going to kill me, and that's all I can think about! I can't even escape it in my dreams, the nightmares are getting bad, and I—"
"Nightmares? Why didn't you tell me you were having nightmares?" Kal speaks up, and I flinch at his voice. It doesn't go unnoticed, because I look up and see concern on everyone's faces as they look between me and Kal. Even he looks worried about my reaction to him speaking.
"Did he hurt you? Is that why you hit him?" Lucifer's demeanor suddenly shifts, and with it comes panic from deep inside me.
"No!" I say, but it doesn't sound right. No one believes me, and I can sense everything going very sideways very quickly.
"Allie." Kal takes deep breaths as he stands, and I can tell from the way he holds himself that I did a lot of damage that he's hiding poorly. "Is this about yesterday, because I swear—"
"No." I try to sound more sure of myself, but the nagging voice in my head whispers, repeating what Sel said. That they don't think the imbalance was an accident.
"Asmodeus, don't—" Michael goes to stop him from walking up to me. Does Michael think I'll hurt Kal, or that he's going to hurt me? Which is more likely?
"Talk to me." He stops barely out of arm's reach of me, and I can't explain how, but I can feel inside me just how much pain he is holding back right now, like I was the one who was hit, and it makes me want to lose it completely. "Tell me about these nightmares. Tell me what you're feeling, so I can help you."
"I can't." I can't look into those eyes as green as the garden he once comforted me in and tell him what the terrifying version of him did to me, or that I'm scared it wasn't a nightmare at all, but a vision of the future.
"I just want to understand."
"You can't understand." How could he?
"Let me try." There's a pleading in his voice that pulls at my heart. Against my better judgment, I look up at him, and I don't feel the same terror I did inside the nightmare. All I see when I look at this Kal is the pain I caused him, and that's worse. That is infinitely worse.
"You hurt me." I say quietly and the entire room freezes. I can barely see everyone behind Kal, but I can feel their reaction viscerally.
"In your nightmares?" Kal seems more hurt by this than by the physical pain I put him in.
"It felt so real." I whimper unintentionally, and it's painful to say out loud. "And I'm scared. After everyone told me to stay away from you, and the diary, and the sex... It did affect me in a really bad way, and I just—"
"I asked you if I hurt you, why didn't you—"
"You didn't hurt me, but I'm scared. I don't know how to handle the way you make me feel. It makes me anxious just to think about you. I don't know how to feel about it."
"You should have told me."
"How can I?" I sound angrier than I want to. I feel angrier than I mean to. "Everyone you've been with talks about how great you are, and it's easy for you! I don't understand why it was so different for me. I don't understand what you do to me. I'm scared that feeling will never go away."
"Allie, it was different for me, too." He pauses, watching me, like he doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry I didn't notice that you were struggling."
"It doesn't matter now. The nightmares are worse than that, and—"
"What did I do?" He straightens up a little as he asks. "In the dream, how bad was it?"
"Kal, you don't—"
"I need to know. I can't make it better if I don't know. " He says, forcing his voice to stay soft. I open my mouth to tell him, but nothing comes out. I try again, and I choke on the words, tears falling. I doubt he's thinking about it when he reaches for me, but I am when I grab his hand before he can touch me and hold it tight so he won't move any further, even though he's stronger than me. I can see him starting to understand when a look of fear crosses his face, fear for what I think he's capable of.
Slowly, telling myself on repeat in my head that he can't hurt me, I take his hand and place his fingers over the scars on my cheek, shoving away the thought of him reopening them so I can remain present. His hand doesn't close over my mouth like Emmanuel's did, like the nightmare version of Kalav did. He keeps perfectly still and lets me press his skin against mine. Where he is unmoving, I am trembling as I force myself to see that he won't hurt me, as I force him to prove it to me.
"This is what you did." I can barely speak. "And the things you said..." I can't bring myself to repeat them. I just stare into the green of his eyes and hope he can attempt to understand. "Everyone was there, and no one helped me. I was alone."
"Allie." He finally breathes. "I'm so sorry."
"I know it's not you." My tears tumble over his fingers. "But it was so real."
"And I know this isn't you." He is as gentle with his words as he is with his hands as he pulls me into him and holds me. Panic only sets in for a second before his heart beats against my ear and his warmth, the warmth the nightmare version of him was void of, brings me my answer. That vision was not of the future, it was just my fear. Maybe even a version of torture from Emmanuel. This Kal, the one in front of me, the understanding and kind Kal, would never hurt me. He couldn't hurt me.
But I hurt him.
"I'm sorry." I cling to him as tightly as I can as the tears refuse to quell.
"It's okay." He holds me just as desperately as I do him.
"I don't want to be a monster." My sobs shake my body.
"You're not." Another voice, Lucifer's voice, comes from beside us. "I've seen monsters, Allie. You're not a monster."
"I'm scared." I sound pathetic repeating myself.
"You have every right to feel that way." Lucifer, awkward in his own way, reaches out and pats me on the back. "But don't forget that we are here for you. No more hiding, you need to talk to us." I can only nod. Though Lucifer removes his hand, he doesn't move away from us.
"We should probably do this another time." Michael speaks up finally. "It was a lot to put on you all at once."
"No, I..." I step away from Kal to see them. They still look concerned, but not afraid anymore. Not outwardly anyway. "Let's do what we came here to do." Can they tell I'm desperate to get it over with so I don't have to think about it anymore? They look at each other, like one of them has to have the answer, and again Lucifer is the one to speak first.
"Let's sit and talk. However, if you get overwhelmed, you must speak up."
"I will." I nod with my heart still beating furiously. I sit down in my usual chair and wait for everyone else to sit around me. I can feel their apprehension and try to ignore it, but it's hard. They'll never see me the same again, I know that. They will always look at me and see the birthing of my rage.
"So, the square." Lucifer begins. It's still so odd to me to hear him speak so kindly. Maybe Earth did change things for us. "It will be secure and ready for you whenever you're comfortable with moving forward. You have my full support for whatever you'd like to do, though I do have my own suggestions."
"You said a few days? I'm okay with that." I try to make my voice as even as possible. To be as agreeable as possible.
"The other Rulers want to meet with you before we do this. Lucifer and I have already spoken about hosting that in Heaven if you're fine with that. It's not very formal, they just want to know you since you're so new. Doing an event in each of the Realms is probably a decent power move as well. Showing favor isn't going to sit well with the Rulers who don't... agree with you."
"I think I can manage that." I haven't even met most of the Heavenly Rulers, and only two of the Rulers from Hell. I don't even know which side will be more critical of me.
"We'll make sure you have something nice to wear for the coronation. Presentation is everything in Hell." Michael says as if choosing his words very carefully. I try to push down the feeling that they are all still terrified of me. I don't know if I can trust any of those feelings. All I can trust is what they tell me.
"I appreciate that." I really do. If it were up to me, I'd go in what I'm wearing right now. I don't have anything elegant like how they usually dress. I've never cared, but now I have to. They're right. I need the support.
"You also have to know what you want to say. Getting up there and freezing will be just as bad as running away again." Lucifer advises. He's the only one I think could tell me any of these things without me taking it personally. "And a display of your control over Neutrality would also be a nice touch. It doesn't have to be big, most beings who will attend have never seen someone wield it. It's a reassurance that you are perfect for the role, even if it isn't true yet. Just... no attacking my son on stage. We'll keep that private."
"Will it be safe?" I finally look up and meet Lucifer's eyes. He seems to understand my concern, because with no judgment at all, he answers me.
"I personally guarantee your safety, as usual."
"I don't... know what I'm doing." I mumble as I try to think of things I need to ask, of things I need to say, to do to be a real Ruler.
"That's okay. That's why we're here." Heath offers me a small, forced smile. "This is exactly what we're here to do, help you."
"If it's all right with you, I will handle most of the boring preparations for your coronation." Lucifer offers with sincerity. "You just need to focus on what you're going to say and how you're going to present your powers."
"Okay." I'm grateful for the offer, even though I was just yelling at them for this very thing.
"I think you deserve a break." Michael's smile is less forced than Heath’s was. Still, he watches me carefully. Will they always act like this around me now that they can see evil in me? "Take the rest of the day, okay? We'll talk more tomorrow."
"Yeah, I think I need that." I sigh and feel my shoulders relax a little when I exhale. I didn't realize I was so tense. Maybe they can see that, but I hope they can't.
"All right. We'll leave you to it." Lucifer says as he stands. Michael follows him, followed also by Heath and Kal. I stand, too, though I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't be left alone, yet I don't think I want to be around anyone, either. Not when I'm feeling so badly. Not after the way I spoke to them, and the way I hurt—
"Would you like to take a walk with me?" Kalav is the only genuine smile in the room, like I didn't just try to kill him, like he didn't just witness me losing my mind. But that smile turns my thoughts into soup and makes my heart beat faster, and I can't tell him no, because I can't lie to him. So I nod, and everyone seems satisfied enough to leave. Heath gives me a small, awkward wave and forced smile before he retreats to another part of the library out of sight, leaving Kal and me alone very quickly.
"I'm so sorry." I say as quickly as I can the moment no one else can hear me. Kal's smile doesn't fade, though it changes. To what kind of emotion, I can't say.
"You have nothing at all to be sorry for." He doesn't hesitate to pull me into him and hold on tight, like if he doesn't, I'll fall apart. I'm going to fall apart anyway. I can't stop the tears from coming again. I can't stop my body from shaking. I can't stop feeling bad about everything I've done today. I was so blind, so stupid, to believe for a minute he was capable of hurting me.
"But I hurt you." The whine in my voice is an unwelcome companion, but Kal just laughs a little and sighs.
"I've been through worse. You can't hurt me." That statement hurts so much more. I don't really know what he's been through, I've never stopped to ask him. Part of me thinks I should, the other part of me is afraid to know what is worse than what I just did to him.
Chapter 30
Though I know I want to leave Purgatory, I have no idea where I want to go. Options being limited between the two of us means Kal guides me around a little aimlessly until we end up back in Hell, sitting together in the garden behind the mansion as if it were another Realm unto itself that only we inhabit. He lets me sit and be quiet in my own thoughts for a long time, his arm around me like a barrier, until finally he speaks and draws me out of my maze of thoughts, and back to him.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" He asks casually, like he were talking about the weather and not about an earnest effort to maim him.
"Not really." I don't want to have to tell him I can't get the image of him hurting me out of my head. I can't tell him I'm more scared of him than I am of Emmanuel right now. I don't want him to know that even after his reassurances, I still feel the seeds of fear rooted into my mind.
"I want to fix things. I can't do that if you don't talk to me." He pauses, waiting for me to respond, but I can't bring myself to tell him all the ways he affects me and how it all overwhelms me. I don't want to ruin a calm, happy moment. I don't want him to act differently, and I don't want him to change. "It kills me to think you don't trust me. I thought I was being gentle when we had sex. Why didn't you tell me—"
