Something So Lovely, page 31
"I'm here for you, though it may not feel like that after the last time we saw each other." Lucifer sits back down and watches me closely. "Would you consider accepting an apology from me?" He does look somewhat concerned, but he doesn't show it in an obvious way. Just in a way I think only people who know him would be able to see: a far-off footnote in his voice, the tilt of his head. The way his fingers lace together as if holding something back.
"No." I shake my head and heave a deep sigh, maybe the first full breath I've been able to take since that day in the library. "You have nothing to apologize for. You were trying to protect your family. I probably would have done something similar."
"Yes. Protecting my family, of which you are a part of. I hope you understand, I do think of you as a child of sorts. I look at you as the daughter I never had."
"Thank you, Lucifer." I don't know why his words make me want to start crying again, and I don't know how else to tell him the sense of pride that rises in me with his words.
"I understand you've been through... horrible things." He leans forward, concentrating on me. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel safer, or help you in any way?"
"I don't think so." I stare at the floor. "I'm just tired."
"I know." He breaks eye contact for a brief moment. "This isn't the first time I've seen this." I don't respond except to look at him, questioning who else he could have possibly seen live through this kind of trauma. It occurs to me the same moment he confirms it. "Someone had to take care of my son when he came back. Selaphiel and I had our hands full with him... The nightmares... And I know yours are likely worse."
"I don't understand. If Kal knew what Emmanuel would do to me, why'd he—"
"He was misguided. There's no excuse for his actions, but there are reasons. Emmanuel knows what to say to get his way, and he's exceptional at doing that with Asmodeus. You should know that it's hard to get Emmanuel out of your head once he gets in it."
"Did he let Kal go, or did he escape like I did?" I wonder out loud. Part of me wants to know that he fought to escape, like I had to. That he had to play the game. That he had to do things that would haunt him, as they will haunt me.
"Emmanuel let him go when there was barely anything left of the boy. If I may ask, dear, how did you escape? You may well be the first to accomplish that." Lucifer leans forward with his elbows on his knees, looking at me with equal intensity and concern.
"I don't want to talk about it." If I never have to think about it again, it would be too soon.
Don't pretend like you didn't enjoy your time with me. Emmanuel's voice echoes in my head with his putrid laughter. I don't know if the curse of his ghost in my head will ever leave.
"I think you should go to bed. You've earned your rest. Tomorrow, your friends will be jumping to your every need, whether or not you'd like them to." He stands, but I don't, not just yet.
"Would you forgive Kal, if you were me?" Lucifer's opinion matters too much to me. He is uniquely positioned to understand me, and has had my best interest at heart since the beginning, even if I couldn't see that.
"I can't tell you what to do." He offers me his hand to help me stand, but I do it on my own. "Everyone would understand if you didn't, but none of us can tell you what to do or how to feel."
"I'm still..."—angry, hurt, disgusted, vengeful—"I don't know what to do, Lucifer! I don't know who I am, I don't know who he is anymore." I wipe tears off my face and freeze, more out of surprise than fear, when Lucifer doesn't hesitate to actually hold me to comfort me. There's something different about this, something I've never felt before. I've never been held quite like this before.
"I know who you are." he says quietly.
I want to say so many things. I want to scream, I want to break things, I want to sleep and never wake up again. I want none of this to have been real. For all I want, I can't bring myself to say or do anything except to rest my hands on his arms and allow myself to exist in Lucifer's safety. Then, in the smallest, kindest voice I have ever heard from him, and likely ever will, he speaks.
"I'll never say this again, Allie, but I truly love you as if you were the daughter I always wanted. I'll do anything to help put you back together. Just tell me what you need, and I will do it for you. Now go to bed, get some rest, and we'll try to make tomorrow better, whatever that means I have to do."
His words sit with me for what feels like an eternity where neither of us move. My head is an ocean of thousands of thoughts in place of still water. I couldn't say how long Lucifer lets me just lean against him and breathe in peace and safety. I know why Persephone loves him, and I feel so grateful to know he thinks of me so highly that I am family to him. A father I could have had in another life.
"Just between us, all right?" He brushes my still damp hair out of my face and places the smallest little kiss on the top of my head. I nod and let him lead me back to the door.
On the other side are Kal and Heath talking in whispers until they see me and stop. I definitely don't like that, but it's not like it's new, either. Heath gives a weak smile and bids us goodnight, likely assuming I'm going to rage at Kal again. Honestly, I want to, but right now what I want more is to sleep in a real bed and try to start finding out if it will be possible to heal.
"I... If you want to stay, I made up one of the empty rooms for you." Again Kal avoids looking me in the eye. I wish he wouldn't. I wish he would look at me like he still thought there was hope for him, even if there may not be.
"Oh, but... Was there something wrong with your room?" I can't help but feel both a little bit hurt and a little afraid of being made to sleep in a different, unfamiliar room, alone. The idea of waking up out of those nightmares somewhere I don't know makes me want to gag. Kal glances at his dad before he almost, but not quite, looks at me.
"No, no, of course not. I didn't think you wanted to be there, so I—"
"Can you just act normal around me? I can't deal with whatever this is, and I'm not going to give you permission to treat me like a child." I have to choke down the urge to cry. I want my old life back. I don't want to be treated like I'll break. I don't want Kal groveling. I don't want to be afraid to sleep.
"Of course, anything you want." He smiles, but it's so forced. Even a sad, pitiful smile like that is better than nothing, but not by much. Even when he's destroyed my entire existence as I knew it, he is still the charming and familiar demon prince I fell for the moment I met him. He is still real, even if that reality hurts.
"I'm going to attempt to sleep." Lucifer yawns, but I don't believe he's actually tired, just unwilling to deal with his son. "Get some rest, Kalliope."
I bid him my half-hearted goodbye and turn back to Kal when we're alone. He doesn't move, probably waiting for me to take the lead. I wish he wouldn't. Before all this, he was always the one ready to make the first move. Now it's on me, and I hate him for making me do this. I know I have to talk to Kal about where we stand because this can't continue.
"I think we should have a conversation." I look right at him, daring him to look back at me. He does not.
"I don't think I deserve that." He continues to avoid me.
"No, you don't. You owe me that." I wait for a response from him but it doesn't come. "I kept waiting for you to come for me. I thought that if you'd been working with him all that time, you'd know where I was, and you'd come for me."
"I wanted to. I tried, but..." He finally meets my gaze, and he looks as emotional as I am. "No one would let me go, and I... I was scared that if I failed, he'd hurt you so much worse just to spite us both."
"I don't want to keep doing this, Kal. I don't want to keep being angry at you. I'm tired, I'm so tired. I just want you the way we were."
"I'll do anything to get that back, if you could give me a chance—"
"How many chances do you need before you do the right thing?" I start crying out of hurt, and exasperation, and the desperate longing for our stupid relationship back. "How many have you had now?"
"Too many." He looks like he wants to try and comfort me even though I'm yelling at him, and I wish he would, even though I know I'd push him away. I'd hit him, I'd insult him and berate him. I still want him to make the effort. I still want him to try.
"How am I supposed to forgive you?!" I sob openly. "Tell me why I still love you, even though I hate you! Tell me why you had to do this to me!"
"You love me?" He looks at me, just as heartbroken as I have felt since his secrets came out. I never got to say it to him and now I might never say it again. "I would do anything to start over with you and do it all differently. I would take your place, I'd go back to the start and never speak to you at all, whatever it would take to make all this stop for you."
"I don't know how to start over. I can't just get over this, I'll never be me again! Now I'm... whatever this is, and I can't go back. It's your fault!"
"You shouldn't get over it. I know I really... I'll never deserve you, but I... I do love you. I will do whatever it takes to earn back your trust. If you tell me to leave, I will. I'll let him torture me out of existence if that's what you want. I will take your place."
"I hate you." I stand in front of him, arms folded across my body, trying hard not to break down. He appears to wrestle with himself before he finally pulls me close and holds me tight like he used to. I close my eyes and he lets me sob quietly, letting himself be a shield between myself and the rest of my painful existence, just for a minute, like he isn't the reason I need one at all.
Chapter 42
There is no nightmare to wake me, not this time. The light shining in through the windows is blinding and painful; I haven't seen light like that in so long, I may never adjust to it again. I can't help but cry out as I cover my head with the comforter and hear Kal cursing as he rushes to close the curtains against the newest torture.
"I'm sorry. I forgot how much that hurts at first." Kal says once the last of the light is gone and it's dark in the room again. I have no idea how I will deal with Heaven being as bright as it is compared to Hell, if I ever go back.
I don't speak or move. Under the blanket, I don't have to acknowledge what happened. I can be the old Allie for a while longer, the one not afraid of simple things like light or touch. I hear Kal sigh and feel him sit on the bed next to me, though he doesn't move the covers off me. He spent the night on the couch, while Heath and Sel spent the night in a guest room nearby, though I still feel so very alone.
Michael went back home, telling me that he wanted me to rest and even hugging me before he was gone, but I overheard him in the hallway telling Kal he can't watch me struggle through another nightmare before he was immediately chastised by Sel. I get it, I understand. I wouldn't want to watch someone suffer like this either, not if I couldn't make it better.
"I don't know what to say." Kal's voice is troubled.
I don't know what answer he's looking for, or if he's talking just to talk. Either way, he doesn't get a response from me.
"I would do anything for you. Anything."
"Then make it stop." I say through the blanket.
"I don't know how. It never stopped for me, it only got easier to deal with."
"What do I do now?"
"It's up to you. You're the queen, you make the rules." I feel like he is trying to smile as he says it, and I kind of hate it, because his smile used to make me happy. Him saying that would have made me happy before. Now... Now there's only pain where the love used to be.
"The Queen of Nothing." Emmanuel's words in my voice.
"I won't tell you it's going to be okay and it will get better, because it's still not better for me."
"I thought I was 'better' for you."
"You were, and then I did what I always do. I ruined you." This prompts me to remove the blanket and sit up, slowly, almost glaring at Kal.
"You didn't do this to me." I gesture to the mess my body has become. "Emmanuel did. You just made sure he was able to. Don't make this about you, this is still me and what happened to me. Don't think I'm going to give you any pity or—"
"I know." He says as he reaches for my hand. I let him take it but can't hide it when I flinch. "I don't expect you to ever trust me again. I'm sorry. I'm trying."
"You're not making it easy." My fingers curl over his. As much as I hate him, I can't deny I miss him. Us. The way we were before. I miss everything about who I used to be. It almost feels like I can pretend to be her again if I just let myself concentrate on the memories that aren't tinted with blood.
"I will never let anyone hurt you again. I can't fix what I did, but even if you hate me forever, I'll still stand between you and everything." I let his hand rest against my cheek. I close my eyes and try to focus solely on where I am and not the trauma always right below the surface.
"I am still mad at you." I whisper into his palm. My lips brush against his skin as I speak.
"That's more than I deserve, and I promise I will spend the rest of my existence trying to deserve you." He leans in and kisses my forehead. It takes everything I have to not push him away. Not because I don't want his affection, but because I have forgotten how to accept it. Lucifer's and Sel's affection was easy for me to take because they didn't feed me to a monster.
The dull ache ever present in my head since I returned elicits a cry of pain when it spikes with no warning. My head throbs out of nowhere like I had been hit viciously, making me immediately dizzy and sick, although neither me nor Kal moved at all. I'm going to find you, and you will regret this! I can hear Emmanuel's voice, not the one my mind made up to torture me, but his actual voice, like he's right next to me. I push Kal away and look around, but he isn't in the room.
He's in my head again. Still.
My hands fly to my ears like it could block him out, but it makes him louder. I close my eyes against the intense rising burn starting from my toes and shooting through every part of me. I know I'm screaming but I can't hear it. All I can hear is indistinguishable yelling, angry and vile, threatening to tear me apart from the inside.
No one disobeys me. No one.
"Make it stop!" I claw at my own skin to try and release the burning. I can hear other voices near me, but the burning is boiling my blood and blistering my skin and my screams cover up all sound. I can feel my brain sizzling away and becoming nothing. All I can see is red when the dark room of torture isn't flashing in and out of view in front of me. Did I ever leave it? Am I still there?
"Hold her arms so she doesn't hurt herself." A voice cuts through my shrieking before I am suddenly, and very forcefully, pushed down against the bed by someone much stronger than me. Someone holds my wrists while they push me into the mattress, which only forces more of the trauma to resurface violently and without mercy.
"Not again, not again, please stop—" I beg through the screams and pain. I'm not going to survive another one.
"Kalliope." Kal's voice, firm and grounding. "Listen to me." His hands are the ones holding me down, not Emmanuel’s, and that makes it worse. "Listen to me." His weight against me, even though he said he would never hurt me. "You have to focus on where you are." But where I am is that room again, the cell, the place I can never leave. "You're home. This isn't Purgatory."
I can feel his breath on my neck and my heart beating in my throat.
"He's not here." He says, barely above a whisper. I blink and the red begins to subside. The dark cell doesn't come back this time. I can feel my own breath coming hard and fast. I begin to realize it was all in my head. I wasn't in any danger, it was all an illusion. I am tangled in the sheets from thrashing in them, but even if I wasn't, Kal hovers over me to keep me down. "Come back to me." I'm still sobbing as he continues to coax me back to reality. The pain is lessening the more I focus on him and not the threat posed by Emmanuel's hold on my mind, but the panic remains. The waking nightmare remains.
Kal lets me go and pushes himself off me when it's finally clear to them I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else. The moment he frees me, I spring into his arms so he will hold me, protect me, so I can feel warm and safe like before, even if I know it's not true. I look out from under my hair as it clings to my face to see Heath and Lucifer staring at me.
"He just figured out she's gone." Lucifer looks like he is actually scared. I sound pathetic with my little whimpers as I continue to cry.
"You're going to be all right. You're safe." Kalav will never stop lying to me. I'm not all right, I'm not safe. I will never be with Emmanuel out there, and inside my head.
"I'll... go find something to clean those cuts." Heath speaks up and leaves quickly. Lucifer doesn't look for an excuse to leave the room. Instead, he sits next to us on the bed and moves the hair out of my face, being gentle and kind as he pats my head with the lightest of touches. He doesn't say anything to me, but to Kal instead.
"I know Emmanuel did this to you, too, son. Trust me, she's going to get through it, too."
"How do you know?" Kal seems shocked. He still holds me tight, and I still cling to him.
"Selaphiel could never handle you alone. She won't remember this, just like you don't." I can't imagine a time when this will be only a far-off memory I can't quite bring back. I can't fathom that there will be a time when I'm okay enough that this will not be what I am. Kal is silent while Lucifer continues. "It looked a lot like this... but he clearly enjoys her more than he did you."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do." Kal rests his head on top of mine. I have nothing to add, nothing to make either of them feel better. I can't even make myself feel better, and none of that should be on me to begin with.
"All you can do is what the rest of us are doing. Love her."
Chapter 43
The dark stone room is what I see again while I sleep. It will never leave me alone. It will always be there, haunting me, never letting me forget what I had to endure to come back. This time, Emmanuel stands in front of me with his whip in his hands and a malevolent smile on his face.
