Kismet, page 15
I shrugged off his compliment. “Still.”
“It’s my life, Granger. My passion. I live in the moment for the moment. And this moment, the way you are, unashamed, high, freshly fucked, it’s beautiful to me. I want to capture that in its purest form. And I’ll never forget it because it’s right here.”
“Can I?” I asked, reaching for his camera.
Briefly, he showed me what to do, then he set it in my hands.
I felt like a kid in a candy shop. What should I take a picture of first?
I looked at his glorious naked body through the viewfinder. His cock was soft, but hung proudly even so as the remnants of sweat glistened on his skin. “Does anyone ever take pictures of you?”
“I never consider myself a subject. I want the world to know my work, not my face.”
I weighed his words as I clicked away for the next few minutes. Then I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his neck. Holding the camera out, I took a picture of us as I kissed the side of his cheek. Snapping another as he looked directly into the lens.
“I don’t just do this for anybody you know,” he murmured.
“Are you saying I’m special, Mr. Sandvik?”
He turned in my embrace and kissed me as I pressed down on the shutter button again.
His kiss was soft, giving, not taking like usual. One by one I circled my legs around his waist, and he held me firm. His lips moved to my neck, nibbling ever so gently. “I’m saying I’m happy, Miss Cariou.”
Am I?
Last night with Mikkel was like having the wind at my back. Pushing me toward the emotional freedom I so desperately wanted on so many levels. Then my high fades, and what’s left is Collin, this anchor dragging behind me. He was buried so deep, I could only go as far as his chain allowed—nowhere.
Then the self-torturing questions ensued.
Is Heidi wrapped up in Collin’s arms right now?
Did he make love to her tonight the way he used to with me?
Is he happy?
His words in the hospital that night fucked with my head, and I wish he had never said them. They were the ache that reverberated in every fiber of my being. The constant reminder of a hole from something once so full, and now it was so empty.
I stared out the floor to ceiling window beside the bed as Mikkel breathed deeply beside me. I could hear the traffic and see the white and red glow from the cars passing by like ships in the night. Slowly, so as not to wake him, I slid off the bed. Picking up my wrinkled dress off the floor, I stepped into it. I couldn’t reach to zip it up, but I didn’t care.
Walking back over to the bed, I leaned over and kissed Mikkel’s forehead. He stirred slightly but didn’t wake. He was such a beautiful man, full of secrets. He was dark some moments, then effulgent with light the next. Then there was me, a fluttering moth straight to his flame.
I scribbled a note and left it on the counter.
Tonight, I wanted to sleep in my own bed, to be alone and lonely.
I lifted the wooden gate to the old freight elevator, pulling it back down as I stepped inside. Pressing the cracked key switch labeled 1, it began to descend with a slight jerk, and slowly Mikkel’s apartment disappeared above me.
The next morning, I was pulled away from my sleep by the frantic ringing of the doorbell.
I didn’t know what time it was—I didn’t care what time it was. I should be sleeping, not dragging myself downstairs. I didn’t even bother to look through the peephole, I just flung the door open. To my shock it was Collin, and he looked furious. His eyes looked all the way down me and then came back up to meet mine. “Is he here?” he demanded, stepping past me.
“Is who here?” I asked confused, still holding the door open.
“Mikkel,” he said dragging out the two syllables of his name.
“Um, excuse me. But who do you think you are walking in this house and demanding to know who is in it?”
“Is he here?” Collin pressed, unaffected by my words as he started walking up the stairs.
My jaw dropped as I rushed up behind him. “What are you doing?”
“Walking up the stairs, Granger, what does it look like?” He stepped off onto the landing and turned down the hallway.
Catching up with him, I grabbed his arm and yanked him around. “Collin, you’re acting absurd! What the hell?”
“Is he in this house?” he yelled into my face.
Collin had never yelled at me before, so I was slightly taken aback, but I wasn’t rattled. “No, he’s not. Now, do you mind telling me what your problem is?”
“Are you fucking him?”
I burst out laughing. So that’s what this is about. “Are you fucking Heidi?”
“This isn’t about me.”
“Then who is it about? Because it sure seems like you are the one with the problem. Not me.”
“Do you even know who he is, Granger?” His voice wasn’t quite as loud, but still angry.
“He is a photographer,” my voice modulated the pronunciation.
“A porn photographer!”
“So?” We were neck and neck glaring at one another.
“Does your brother know?”
“Yes.” The lie rolled effortlessly off my tongue. “But who I choose to sleep with is no one’s business, least of all yours.”
She was lying. I knew she was. Her inability to hide things from me was the same as my inability to hide something from her. For the time being, I let the lie hang between us as my eyes took in the view. Two year’s time had filled out her body, and the lack of clothing could not have accentuated that more.
She had on nothing more than some boy shorts and a nylon bralette. Her hard nipples strained at the flimsy fabric confining them. My mind went back to a time when we were together, and I could have taken them in my mouth to satisfy my craving. But we weren’t ours anymore, and some days there wasn’t enough water to make that pill go down.
If Mikkel Sandvik weren’t shoving his dick in her, I would have no problem with him. Truth be told, I was going to be resentful of any man that had her. I shouldn’t feel that way because I was with a kind woman who cared about me. But like it or not, that was the truth. Two years apart from Granger didn’t change the feelings I had. Merely, it had taught me to hold them in check.
We stood in silence, pretending like the obvious wasn’t obvious. It seemed like that was becoming the norm for us lately.
At length, I nodded my head. “Fine.”
“Fine,” she spat back.
Little did she know this wasn’t ending here.
It was a great day for golf, not to mention there was a breeze blowing in the right direction. A slightly overcast sky promised that the sun wouldn’t cook you alive on the course. It was no wonder I gave Taj a call to play a few holes with me.
Currently, we weren’t anywhere near a hole, we were in a bunker. And I was trying to focus on getting my ball out of it. Steadying myself, I concentrated on my form as I executed my downswing. The little ball went airborne, and a few seconds later it landed back on the green.
“Nice,” Taj complimented.
We made our way out of the sand and walked along the burn to his ball. “I’m glad you called. I needed to get out of the office.”
“No problem, I needed a distraction myself.” But that was not the whole intention for this casual midday rendezvous. I would get to that in a minute. “How are you and Noa doing?” I asked, leaning on my club as Taj lined up his shot.
He sighed, giving an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “She’s flying down this weekend to stay a couple of days.
I laughed. “Come on, it can’t be that bad.”
“It’s not, Noa just makes it feel that way.”
“Why didn’t she come for your mother’s funeral?”
“She asked, but I told her not to come. I was juggling Granger, work, burying Mom, and I couldn’t add another ball to the rotation, especially since Granger isn’t Noa’s number one fan.”
“Hey, you don’t have to tell me, I get it,” I sympathized. “Some days I can’t wait to get on a plane and leave Heidi behind for a week.”
“When did you two meet anyway?”
“Well, it was your father who first put me in touch with Clive Fortenberry. Initially, we had been planning with no execution. Then Clive decided he wanted to move forward. After everything that happened, I decided to move to Chicago since that was where I was needed. That New Year’s he invited me to come and stay with his family in Louisiana. Heidi was there, and I guess we clicked.”
“I’ve never met her, but from what I’ve heard, she seems very nice. You two look good together.”
I guess he would think I looked good with anyone other than his sister. Even though Taj didn’t say it, I knew he still harbored animosity toward me over Granger. We could stand out here, drink beer, laugh, and play a couple of holes, but that invisible warning was still there. Granger was never mine, and she never would be.
“I’m not sure what she sees in me, but whatever it is I guess she likes it,” I said trying to keep my mood light.
We both laughed.
“You know, you should bring Heidi to the house this weekend. I’ll cook some steaks, and we can enjoy a few drinks. It will be a chance for us to relax and catch up. Plus, you can pawn Heidi off onto Noa. It will be a win-win.”
“Sounds good. I think Heidi would enjoy that.”
We talked casually for a few more minutes before I asked my next question. “So, how do you like Granger’s new boyfriend?”
And there it was, the whole reason I called him out to golf with me. I had stooped to an all-time low. I might as well be on all fours, up to my teeth in shit.
Taj frowned. “I wasn’t aware she had one.”
I ran my tongue along my bottom teeth—I knew she had lied to me.
I held my club up, mindlessly examining the sole. “Oh, she said you knew.”
“No, but I was beginning to suspect as much. How did you find out?” he asked taking the bait.
“Heidi and I were at Deluge last night, and we ran into them when we were leaving.”
Taj shifted his footing and regripped his driver as he once again tried to line up his ball. “Oh yeah? Did she introduce him?”
Deliberately delaying my answer, I squatted to the ground and gauged his position. “I’d step a little to the left.”
“You think so?”
“The breeze,” I indicated.
He adjusted, swung, and we watched the ball fly down the fairway. “Good call.”
After taking my turn, we got in the golf cart and drove off to see how we did.
“So, this guy, who is he?”
He might not say it, but I knew he was rattled, and that was exactly how I wanted him. “Mikkel Sandvik.” The seed had been planted. Now all I had to do was water it and watch it grow.
Taj was quiet as we pulled up to the putting green. Shutting the cart off, he leaned back against the seat and I could tell the wheels were turning. “Why does that name sound familiar?”
“He is a porn photographer,” I answered like I was oblivious to the wrecking ball I had just unleashed.
Stepping off the cart, I left Taj to soak in my words as I started walking to where my ball landed. Six feet from the hole, not too shabby.
“What did you say?” His voice climbed a few decibels as he hurried over.
I held my hands up, feigning innocence. “I’m just repeating what Heidi told me.”
His brows knitted together, and he drew his lips in a line as he nodded.
I’d seen this look one other time with Taj, and it was when he punched me in the face for fucking his sister.
Lucky for me, I’m not the intended target today.
“Goddamnit.” He put his hands on his hips and stared off into the wood line.
I kept my expression indifferent, but satisfaction thundered inside of me. My work here was done.
“He has got a lot of nerve,” Kristen said, spritzing some tanning oil on her abdomen.
“Right?” I batted a gnat away from my coconut water. “Collin was so jealous he couldn’t see straight.”
“Serves the asshole right. I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall at Deluge last night.”
“Oh my God. Kristen, you—”
“Granger!”
I heard the stacking glass doors on the patio slam open into their frame. I turned my head and saw Taj charging up to me. What in the hell is his problem now?
I looked at Kristen who was just as shocked as I was.
“Really? A porn photographer?” he yelled standing over me.
Oh, Collin Stadlen, you little fuck-face tattletale. He was clever—I would give him that. If I were him, I probably would have done the same thing. I picked up my coconut water and took a sip. “I’m sorry, are you upset about something?”
“As a matter of fucking fact, I am. Does the name Mikkel Sandvik ring any bells to you?”
I set my glass down and pretended to think. Then, swinging my legs over the Adirondack chair, I stood up to his stature. “If I’m not mistaken, that is the name of the man whose dick I was riding last night.”
He was pissed—the vein pulsing in his forehead made that obvious. “Do you know how lucky you are that this hasn’t wound up in the press?”
“And you peddle pills that turn people into junkies. What’s your point?” I glowered.
“This is exactly what I don’t need, Granger. You will not see him anymore; I forbid it.”
I threw my head back and laughed. “You forbid it? Did you forbid it when Noa spread her legs for him?”
Taj opened his mouth to say something, but then my words must have registered in his head. “What are you talking about?”
“Maybe you and Noa need to have a talk.”
After a phone call to Noa and two days of bickering between us, my brother decided he would be ‘happy’ to meet Mikkel.
“I don’t know why you think he is so bad, Taj.”
“It’s not that I think he’s bad; I want you to make good choices. You haven’t been focused on anything. Not to mention you’re not even returning to college in the fall.”
“It’s one semester. One. Stop trying to control me.”
“I’m not trying to control you, Granger. I’m trying to teach you. I want to know that I can leave, and you can be responsible for taking care of yourself.”
“Thanks, but Mom taught me how to wipe my ass when I was three.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”
“Taj, the reason for wanting to move to Virginia doesn’t hold up anymore. My life is different. I am different. I need time to figure out how I feel.”
“What do you want me to do? I can’t say to hell with it and spend the next year in North Carolina while you embark on a self-exploration quest. Because the reality of the situation is, my life isn’t here, it’s in New York. I work at a multibillion-dollar company where I am expected to do my job.”
I threw my hands up. “Then go back to New York. No one is asking you to stay!”
“Right. I’m just going to jump on my plane and go five hundred miles away and leave you here.” He gave a sarcastic laugh. “Get it together, Granger. In case you haven’t noticed, the world doesn’t revolve around you. You want to do big girl things? Then you have to follow big girl rules.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’m restricting you to twelve thousand dollars a month. I want you to find an apartment and start being accountable for your bills.”
“Are you fucking shitting me? I roared aghast. “I can spend that in an afternoon!”
“Then you better find different ways to spend your afternoons because you aren’t getting a dime more.”
“You can’t restrict my money like that!”
“Watch me.”
I clenched my teeth and let out a frustrated scream as I stormed upstairs and slammed my door for extra flare. It was childish on my part, but I felt like I was being treated like a child.
Who did he think he was? This was exactly what I was afraid would happen when I learned that Taj had control over my inheritance. I was tired of having my choices being challenged and moderated by my brother. Marcella Bashara didn’t raise an idiot. I was nineteen now and completely capable of taking care of myself.
But am I?
My brother’s words rolled around in my head like they were in a pinball machine.
“You want to do big girl things? Then you have to follow big girl rules.”
“Be responsible.”
“Get it together.”
I looked around my room, clothes, shoes, and purses littered every surface. It was a disaster. It looked just the way it did when I lived at home when the housekeeper used to clean up behind me. I sighed. No wonder Taj didn’t take me seriously. I couldn’t even make the effort to clean my room.
My mother had crippled me by doing everything for me. I had no rules, no responsibilities, I simply floated around in my world unchecked. Begrudgingly, I made the effort to tidy up my room, making a mental note to keep it in good form.
I grabbed a handful of purses and went to put them in the closet as the clutch I took to my mom’s funeral hit the floor. When I went to retrieve it, I noticed that it had fallen open, revealing a folded piece of paper.
Picking it up, I unfolded it, realizing that it was the envelope Tom had given me after he read my mother’s will. I threw the other bags into the closet and sat down on my bed. Leaning against the pillows, I stuck my fingernail in the space where it was sealed. I tore a small slit in the corner, then I hesitated.
Do I really want to know what it says?
The temptation to open it was overwhelming, but the apprehension of its unknown contents held me back.
What is in here that she thought she couldn’t tell me?
Would something in this letter change my life more than it already has?
I didn’t have the answers to those questions, and at this time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have those questions answered.
