21 Shades of Night, page 314
“What?” I choke out. “We have a lot to talk about!”
Jack clears his throat and I ignore him. Keir continues to stare at me, and I search his face for any hint of his thoughts.
“You shouldn’t have confronted me alone, Ava,” he says in a flat voice. “I almost killed you. Then I’d have returned to the girl and killed her too. You could’ve wasted your life for nothing.”
“I have to protect human life; it’s one of the reasons I kill demons, you know that.”
He glances at my neck, and then away. “I can’t talk to you right now.”
Hurt compounds the fear and loneliness as he turns to leave. Keir can’t speak to me—does he hate me for what I did to him? I turned the guy who saves people into a killer. One who was worse than remorseless—he enjoyed the deaths. But how can he fully blame me; I physically couldn’t stop his death happening?
“Thank you,” says Dahlia.
“What for?”
“Making him leave. I can’t cope with him right now.”
“Cope with him? Keir’s been through hell, Dahlia! He needs the support of his friends.”
“Friends he tried to kill?” Her mouth pulls tight.
“That wasn’t him.”
“No, but it’s your fault, you—”
Jack grabs her arm. “Don’t start fighting.”
Silence drops and I fight the maelstrom of emotions Keir brought with him when he walked into the room. If the group are delaying moving on and think there’s a danger, why are they waiting? Are they debating on whether to take or leave me?
I can make the choice for them.
“I’m going for a walk,” I announce, and stand. “In case anybody asks where I am.”
“On your own?” asks Jack.
“Yes.”
Outside the house, I check my pockets and curse. No weapon. Screw it, let fate throw at me whatever it wants; it has so far. Midway through the day and the suburban street is quiet. I chew the inside of my mouth, unsure which way to go. Shoving my hands in my jacket pocket, I walk in direction away from the city.
I reach a local park, a small area of green with a children’s playground in the centre. Mothers stand around chatting as their kids climb and slide, and I choose a bench on the edge of the park. Early spring buds in the tree I sit beneath, and I stare at the bright flowers forcing their way through the winter ground at my feet. My missions are short and sharp. I’ve never seen the world’s cycle of life before.
Life. How long before I die? Surely a few Nephilim can’t keep me safe from the strength of the Caelestia, even if they want to.
I sit for a while and watch another side of the human world playing around, reminding me how little of their world I interact with outside of necessity. Here are people in another stage of their lives, some just beginning. This ordinary holds the extraordinary to me. Nobody speaks to the pink- haired girl alone on the bench, and aware how weird it is for me to sit and watch, I head away.
I wander through the trees; far enough from the roads to avoid traffic noise, and the earth smells fresh, cleansing my senses following the stifling life I’ve led recently. Following a circuit or two of the park and I’m calmer. I’m still trapped in the confusion in my head over where I go next, but for now, I’m in public, in daylight.
As I reach the edge of the park to return to the house, a figure approaches, and I don’t need a second look to know Keir crosses toward me. He slouches, the way the Keir I knocked into months ago did. The cocky, confident Keir of recent weeks isn’t in this guy’s gait. Not wanting to confront him, I veer away and sit on a bench further away from the playground.
He reaches me and, without speaking, Keir sits on the bench, hands dug firmly in his pockets. His warmth radiates; we’re so close, but so far. Disappointment washes away the hope he wants to talk when he remains quiet.
“Hey, again,” I say.
Keir pulls a hand from his pocket and places it on mine, the gentle touch soothing. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“Don’t worry.”
“My heads a bit of a mess,” he says. “And not just where you threw me against a desk.” I open my mouth, but he gives me a wry smile. “I deserved it.”
“Are we going to talk about what happened?” I ask. “I don’t think you can hide from this.”
“That’s what Eli and Asher say, but it’s difficult. I keep getting sharp stabs of memories. People’s faces…” His mouth sets hard and I place a hand over his, holding him in the now. “But I wanted to thank you, Ava.”
“What for?”
“You know what for.” His eyes meet mine and I want to cry with relief. This is him. My Keir, glacial eyes holding a mixture of pain and desire.
I lift my free hand and tentatively stroke his face. “For trying to kill you, stealing your soul, or something different?”
“Ava…” He cups my cheek. “Don’t say it like that. You know that’s not what happened. Besides.” He points at my neck. “I think I have as much to feel guilty about. I hurt you.”
I shake my head. I’ve played the scenario over and over in my head, confused by whether to forgive his brutality. I created the situation—the thing he was—and the torture within himself from his actions is clear. This isn’t a guy apologising for violence against his girlfriend; Keir wasn’t even there.
“You weren’t yourself,” I say, then laugh at how ordinary that sounds. “You weren’t Keir.”
His shoulders relax. “If you believe that, it’s one step in the right direction for me.”
“Did you tell Asher and Eli what you… chose? No one believed me.”
“Yes, I did.” He pauses. “I told them everything. They didn’t take the truth well.”
“You definitely screwed up.”
“Aha, ‘Ava honesty’.”
“You didn’t think things through, Keir.” He laughs softly. “I guess we share the impulsive thing too.”
“I guess we do.”
His shared smile dissipates, and Keir moves his hand to touch the bruises on my neck. “When I look at this I want to be sick,” he says hoarsely. “How could I do that to you?”
I curl my fingers around his. “It’s okay. I told you, the demon wasn’t you.’”
“It was me, that demon who… did all those things is part of me.”
“You were an empty shell, where evil found its way inside.”
“I think it changed me, Ava,” he whispers. “I don’t think I’m me anymore. Every single thing I did is seared in my mind; everything now part of who I am.”
I move closer across the bench. “By coming back, you’ll save more than...” I pause. “Nobody blames you.”
Keir sighs, pulling me into him and burying his face in my hair. “Asher and Eli said I’ll redeem myself, they don’t blame me, but look what I did. Innocent people. I hate myself.”
I stiffen then pull away. “No. Blame me if you want to blame anyone; all this happened because of me.”
“I told you at the time, I had to let you take my soul. I couldn’t live knowing I’d sent you to Hell, knowing I could’ve saved you.”
Keir tugs me back to him, enveloping me in his powerful arms as if he never wants to let go. I push my face into his jacket, smudging unwanted tears against him. “I’m not worth peoples’ lives.”
“Yes, you are,” he whispers. “I made the decision to lose my soul, not you. I live with what happened; you shouldn’t carry guilt.”
“Did you know what would happen?”
“No, I didn’t think I’d go that far. I misjudged the power of my demon. I thought I’d be able to control the evil. What if a part is still below the surface, waiting, even with my soul in place?”
What do I say? How could I expect Keir to forget and accept himself quickly? “Keir, be careful. I think Zach will use your guilt against you. He’ll convince you this is who you are and that you should go with him. Asher and El —all of us—will do the same to convince you of your good side. I think it’s up to you which you want to believe.” I hold his head against me, stroking his hair as his rapid breath heats my neck.
“Can you forgive me?”
“We need to look forward now, Keir.”
He looks at me, darkened eyes warming me further against the cool day. His lips spread into a smile, as bright as the world around. “Asher and Eli asked me to stay away from you until everything calmed down, but I told them I needed to know you were safe; that you needed to believe you’re safe before you make your decision.”
“Decision?”
“About what to do and whether to stay with us.”
“I thought that was their decision?”
“Mine. Well, yours really.” He traces his fingers along my lips. “I think I already know the answer. Or I hope I do.”
“Of course I will. I’m involved and I agreed to do this for all of us. For you. I found you and then lost you; with it, I lost everything that made sense to me in the chaos I’ve been dragged into.”
Keir takes my face in his hands and his lips touch mine, hesitating. I thread my fingers into Keir’s hair and draw him close. We kiss slowly, but the desire gives way, and I kiss him fiercely. I need to replace last night with this, with him. I run my hands beneath his jacket and hold his powerful shoulders against me. We’re clothed, but there’s no barrier between us the way there was last night. Something missing returns and opens the way to the forgiveness. I can doubt Keir, but my soul never doubts his.
“I thought I’d lost you,” he murmurs.
I snuggle into his chest, the steady beat of his heart thumping against my cheek. “I never thought you were lost.”
“Asher and Eli decided maybe this did some good.” He rests his chin on my head. “This situation brought us all together—you, Dahlia, and Jack too. Together we’re more powerful than when we fought apart. Asher and Eli would never trust anyone before—not even Dahlia. Maybe that’s the good that’ll come out of this mess.”
A soul hunter, three Nephilim, an ex-soul hunter, and a vampire. Not a standard group or a harmonious one. How could six take on the might of the Caelestia and the power of the Demon Lords, and win? Surely we’re a tiny irritation in the middle, unable to influence, as Eli and Asher believe. We’d need a much bigger army to dent the armour of either side.
Keir stretches his legs out and stares at his boots. “They’re powerful, Asher and Eli. I am too. But we can’t operate alone in our attempt to end this war. We need to persuade the other Nephilim to break their bonds with the Demon Lords.”
“How? Why would they want to?”
“You read the book. As exiled angels, the Nephilim hold the same power as the Caelestia. Most have been corrupted into demons and gained other powers, but if we persuade enough to come back to us, we can interrupt this war. We can end the Caelestia corruption that caused the Nephilim’s exile in the first place.”
“My head hurts, Keir. I don’t know what the fuck I’ve got myself into.”
“Oh, y’know, just the battle between heaven and hell that no one will ever win. The one we’re going to stop.”
“Perfect. Sounds like a simple task,” I say sarcastically.
“Sorry, I know it’s not a great time to talk about this, and there is a lot more you need to know.” He takes my hand and squeezes. “No more secrets.”
The relief of being together again bubbles out, pushing away the enormity and pulling this back to us. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“I wish yesterday never happened. Not just the violence, but the sex,” he says. “I’m scared I forced the issue. You.”
“It’s okay. I was a willing participant with an ulterior motive.”
He catches my hand and kisses the palm. “But I did like it, even though I don’t think I should’ve.”
Heat creeps across my cheeks, a memory of Keir’s semi-naked body under me and his hands on my bare skin. He tugs my coat, lips close to mine, and runs his tongue teasingly along my lips. I giggle and he covers my face with soft kisses. But in my head nags something else. If he enjoyed last night, did Keir enjoy anything else he did while he was away.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, pushing away a strand of hair from my eyes.
“This is going to be difficult. I’d be lying if I said I can just forget what you did. And I understand if you blame me.”
“You were the one who said we should move on.” Keir wraps his coat around us and rests his forehead against mine. “I love you, Ava. You brought me back from a dark place. Not just last night, but the time we were together before, when I was lost in confusion. I want to move past these last few weeks and turn your world as bright as you have mine. If you’ll forgive me.”
His words resonate, pushing into the part of myself kept hidden. “And I love you. I never realised how lost I was until I met somebody who really seemed to understand me. Maybe that’s just the soul tie, but I feel like there’s more to us.”
“There is.” Keir strokes my cheek. “So much more. We’re powerful together.”
He’s right. The soul tie drew us together, but something else holds us. Lost on the edge of our own worlds, refusing the roles given, we stepped into each other’s lives and tied ourselves to a shared future.
* * *
ASHER LOADS THE large car with bags, and Keir’s hand drops from mine. He strides along the street to Asher.
“What’s happening?” I ask as I catch up.
“We need to leave, nowhere is safe for long,” replies Asher.
Arms folded across her chest, Dahlia remains in the doorway and the spring sunshine illuminates her pale features; her puffed winter jacket swallowing her small figure.
“Are you okay, Dahlia?” I ask.
Dahlia glances at me but doesn’t speak, refusing to look at Keir. Keir’s brow furrows and he open his mouth to say something to her but doesn’t. Why can’t snarky Dahlia be with us? She’s easier to deal with than this unforgiving, silent girl. Dahlia stalks to the car, climbs into the front seat, and slams the door closed.
“Let’s go,” says Asher and gestures at the car. “Now.”
I climb into the car, bewildered by another sudden decision. “Where are we going?”
“We need to move on, stay one step ahead until we figure out our next move. Eli and I’ve stayed in one place too long. We need to find somewhere more secure,” said Asher.
“Where?” I ask.
“Somewhere.”
“For fucks sake,” I mutter. “Always with the vague shit. Don’t you think it’s about time you just told us? I might not like where we’re going!” Keir laughs at me and I glare at him. “It’s not funny! I wish somebody would tell me what the hell is happening here,” I say.
Dahlia makes a small noise in her throat. “You and me both. I didn’t sign up for this bullshit.”
“Is this about hiding Keir?” I ask.
“No. Both of you. All of us. It’s your choice, Ava. Come with us or stay,” replies Asher.
“Is this how it’s going to be now? Moving on all the time?” asks Keir.
“We’ve always moved on, Keir, now you need to do the same. Hanging around, killing a few demons is in the past. Things have stepped up now.” Asher’s gaze meets Keir’s in the rearview mirror.
Jack bumps into me as he climbs into the car. Ah, I get it. Dahlia didn’t want to sit next to Keir so I’m stuck in the middle. I snort at the irony.
“We’d better not be travelling far,” I complain as I wriggle against my seat.
Asher starts the car with a small shake of his head. “Whatever anybody else thinks, Ava, you will be an asset.”
Dahlia laughs out loud, then mutters an apology.
“Oh yeah, she kicks ass,” says Keir.
“Good, because we have plenty more ass kicking to do.” Asher’s amusement at the phrase reflects in the mirror.
If the world had been the way I once believed, I would’ve returned to the Caelestia by now, his Nephilim soul traded for my Will. As we pull away from the house, towards a future and a destination beyond my control, I rest my head on Keir’s shoulder. The Nephilim still has his soul, and now my heart is his too.
* * *
Continue the Soul Ties series in Book Two, Torn Souls.
https://www.amazon.com/Torn-Souls-Soul-Ties-Book-ebook/dp/B01F1MPHLS
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About the Author
LJ Swallow is a paranormal romance and urban fantasy author who is the alter-ego of bestselling contemporary romance author Lisa Swallow.
Giving in to her dark side, LJ spends time creating worlds filled with supernatural creatures who don’t fit the norm, and heroines who are more likely to kick ass than sit on theirs.
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