21 Shades of Night, page 307
“It doesn’t matter,” he interrupts. “I could see what I said upset you. I won’t be so intense again.”
I breathe in and hold my breath, grasping at my rehearsed lines from the darkness inside. “No, I’m worried.”
“What about?”
“That you’ll leave me. What you do is obviously significant, and I get the feeling important people are involved, people who can influence you.”
“No, Ava, they can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. We work together. I don’t work for someone. That’s what’s good about this; nobody forces anyone to do anything they don’t want.” He sits and takes my hand.
“But someone must be in charge? There’s always a leader.”
“Why do you want to know about this so much?”
“Because I’m involved now. And if I’m becoming more involved with you, then I need to know what I’m part of.” The lies fall easily from my mouth.
“They’re just others like me. Darius and who he works for probably have a whole list of us up there.” Keir stops and rubs his face. “If they’re looking for a central person or place they won’t find one. You’ll have nothing to tell them.”
I jerk out of my role. “Tell them?”
“Yes, Ava.” As his voice lowers to a whisper, the room drops ten degrees cooler, and more distant.
“Jack?” I ask.
Keir’s eyes dull with sadness, not the anger and assault I expect. “Last night. The reason I stopped, Ava, is that I felt your tracker. It’s still beneath your skin.”
Shit. Everything I planned undone by my stupid drunken need for him.
“I never really believed you were banished. It made no sense; they’d have killed you for what you did,” he continues.
I carefully move away from him, tense, ready to fight. The night we fought in the alley I lost—and fast. I may as well admit defeat now.
But Keir doesn’t move, a muscle in his strong jaw twitching. “Is any of what you told me true?”
“What do you mean?”
“Any of what you’ve talked about in the last three weeks. Like the part about you being threatened with the Hell realms; is that part true?”
I blink away the memory of Darius’s threat. “Yes.”
Keir sucks air through his teeth. “Okay. Did you come here to kill me today?”
A poster on the wall catches my eye; an art image I half recognise. Torn in places, the paper peels at the corners. Keir’s wall is covered with photographs, his human life, a world away from mine.
“By that response, I guess you did. Okay. Do you have the crystal?” he asks.
How can he sound so matter of fact? I dig a hand into my pocket.
“In your jacket?”
Through numb shock, I’m aware of his warm hands pulling the orb from my grasp. He brushes my waist, and I tremble as he pulls out the dagger.
“I remember this. I almost used it on you once.” He examines the short dagger and the intricate handle stained with black demon blood. “I guess I should be asking myself why I didn’t.”
“You’re the one with a weapon now.” My voice cracks. “You can use it. I should die.”
I shrink back as he holds the dagger in front of my face, point towards me. “Did you not ask yourself what was really happening, Ava?”
“What do you mean?”
“When we met. The first time you had a chance to kill me by the fountain, and you didn’t. I could’ve killed you with this, the night in the alley, and I didn’t.”
The intense connection coils around us and drags us back together; I barely notice. “I don’t know; we’re both weaker than we thought, I guess.”
Keir places the dagger on the bed and his lips touch my cheek. “Really? You, who’ve killed a crapload of demons? Ava, the soul hunter desperate to be free? But here I am, still alive. Then there’s me—I’ve killed countless soul hunters, but I couldn’t kill you.”
“The human you couldn’t,” I say hoarsely.
“No. Keir couldn’t kill Ava.” He pauses. “How do you feel about me, Ava? Do you see me as something to kill?”
In front of me is Keir, not a Nephilim, not a target. A person. Someone I love. My vision blurs.
Keir moves to sit on the edge of the desk, his long legs stretching across the room. “Me? I see your soul, Ava. No, I don’t see your soul. I feel it. And so do you.”
“No. I don’t.”
“When I’m away from you something is missing. The weeks you were away, it was as if someone had torn a piece from me. When you came back, I wanted to believe you were the same girl, that you’d returned to me. I lied to myself.”
“All I wanted when I was away from you was to be with you again and feel again,” I whisper. “Now that I am, all I have is an empty feeling from knowing what I’m supposed to do. I don’t think I can, Keir. I don’t know what to do. How to escape all this.”
Keir kneels in front of me and holds his soft palm against my face. Tears threaten to spill and my chest tightens as Keir’s eyes pull me into the soul he’s talking about.
“We’re soul tied, Ava.”
“No. That’s not true.”
“A soul hunter and a Nephilim? Who didn’t kill each other? Who worked together?”
“No.”
“The intensity of how I feel about you. How you feel about me, if you dig beyond the fear. Don’t you see what’s happening?”
“No.”
“Yes, you agreed to come back to save yourself by taking my secrets and my soul; but you’re delaying. Why?”
I dig my nails into my palms. “I wanted to wait as long as I could and be with you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know!” I pull my face away. “I wish I could turn things back to the beginning. I wish I’d never fallen in love with you.”
Keir drops his hand and reaches out. “Ava…”
The enormity of my confession tears open the gates holding back the truth I denied; one I need to forget again. “I can’t do this. I have to go.”
Dragging myself to my feet, I pull on the door handle. If Keir won’t kill me, I can wait somewhere. Darius can find me, and this will all be over.
“No, Ava.” I slam the door before Keir can move any closer and run.
My heart pushes against my chest as if it might jump out at any second, and I crash through the door and down the steps. Blindly, I weave my way to the edge of campus and through the trees, low branches scratching at my jacket.
The lake.
Why am I here? I pause: circle the lake and keep running or wait until Keir comes for me first? Whatever happens, I can’t escape. Death at Keir’s hands is better than Hell. Rapid footsteps crunch the semifrozen ground behind, and I spin around. Keir. I back up, stumbling over a rock and fall to the floor.
He towers over me, blocking my view of anything but him. He’s jacketless, face flushed from running. “Ava, please. Listen to me.”
That caring tone eats at me. I want the angry, cold Keir again but concern softens his features.
“It’s okay, Keir. If I leave without your soul, I may as well be dead. Just kill me; it was always going to happen.”
Keir rakes a hand through his curls. “Didn’t you listen to me? I can’t kill you!”
Move. Now. I turn over and push myself upright. In seconds, Keir slams into me and I’m back on the floor, lying on my front.
“Stop, please.” He kneels besides me.
I breathe in the damp smell of the frozen earth then turn over. Keir holds his hand out again. Eyes cast down, I allow him to pull me into a sitting position then immediately tuck my hands underneath my knees. Keir rummages in his pocket and pulls out the soul crystal. He places the dagger and crystal on the ground in front of us.
“Lowest realm of Hell?” he whispers, tipping my face to his.
The tree branches stretch, stark and lifeless into to the sky, the call of a large black bird above breaking the silence. This is Hell. Being here, with the guy I now know I’m soul tied to, waiting to die at his hands. The concern in his eyes won’t leave, and I grit my teeth, willing him to anger.
“I could kill you and free your soul,” he says, “But I’m too selfish to do that.”
“You’re selfish?”
“I can’t kill you. I want you too much.”
“So what are you going to do?”
Keir tries to reach out again, but I shuffle backwards.
“If I don’t kill you, I have two other choices. I can let you leave here knowing you will be taken to the lowest realm of Hell once your failure is discovered. Or I can let you take my soul back to the Caelestia.”
His words make no sense. “What?”
He manages to move close enough to touch the tears spilling onto my cheeks. “I want you to take my soul back to Darius.”
Pushing him away, I scramble to my feet again. What the fuck? I’m dizzied as blood pools in my feet. “No, I can’t kill you! If I could, I would’ve by now! No… all the good you do…” The world spins as I stumble backwards again.
“Ava, you have to. I can’t live with myself if you go to Hell. Your soul would never be free again, and it would be my fault.”
“No!” I yell. “My fault! I came here to kill you. You killed all the other soul hunters, why not me?”
“Because I love you! Because my soul is tied to yours for eternity and, if your eternity is in the lowest realm of Hell, I’ll never see you again. Your soul will never be free again. My eternity would be Hell too.”
I hyperventilate through my sobs. Is he serious?
“Keir, no . . .”
My legs give way, and as I fall to the floor, strong arms catch and pull me upright, surrounding me in a warm embrace, Keir’s quickened heartbeat thumping against my cheek.
“Ava, you have to do this.”
I sob into his jacket, as if together we can hide from this agony. Keir pulls my face up, squeezing my cheeks so I can’t avoid his eyes. “One day the Caelestia will return my soul to a body, for whatever purpose they need it for. I’ll find you—my soul will find yours. Don’t you understand? If you fail and they send you to Hell, then you’re lost to me forever. This way we have a chance to be together again.”
The dagger rests on the ground, the metal shining with the rainbows from the crystal beside it. Wrenching my face from his grip, I throw myself toward the dagger and grab hold. I back away from him and hold the point over my heart. Keir’s mouth twists in horror.
He pulls it upwards, moving the point from my heart. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m evil! I’m half angel, but I’m no better than any demon. I’ve trapped souls and given them over for a fate I don’t even understand. You’re the half demon and you have more good inside you than I’ll ever have. You should live.”
His strong grasp pinches my wrists, crushing. I cry out in pain and drop my grip on the dagger. “I can’t lose you. You’re not doing this.”
I slump back to the ground. My reality doesn’t exist anymore. From the moment I met Keir, the world shifted sideways, my fate sealed that first day we met.
Now this is how it ends.
Keir pushes the soul crystal into my weak hand and curls my fingers around it. I look at it as the world shifts again, growing smaller as I blacken toward unconsciousness. He presses the hard handle of the dagger into my other hand and squeezes his powerful fingers, holding our hands together. The sunlight bounces off the dagger, half-blinding me as it points at Keir’s chest. I attempt to twist my hand away; to move the dagger from between us but his grip strengthens. I claw at his fingers, unable to pull the weapon from his grasp.
“Let the dagger go, Keir!” But I’m unable to pry his fingers or match his strength as he moves closer, positioning the dagger closer to his heart.
“I love you, Ava,” he whispers, pressing the point of the dagger harder. “Don’t blame yourself; I choose this.”
The dagger plunges into Keir’s chest as he crushes me in an embrace that will haunt me forever. I scream and fight to move as a warmth seeps across my hand. I’m trapped and struggle to pull away the dagger. His grip loosens and he slumps backwards to the ground, and I scream again sending birds in the trees above into the sky. Blood pumps from the wound in Keir’s chest, as I drag the dagger from him and the soul crystal falls from my hand, rolling across the ground.
“No! Keir!”
Desperately, I hold my hands over his wound to stem the flow, watching his face paling as the blood pours through my fingers and soaks the ground red.
“Don’t leave me, don’t go…” I repeat the worlds like a mantra, gulping air between each word, as his life ebbs.
Keir gasps and for one precious moment hope rises, he’s back. A white soul snakes from his mouth, creating a halo shaped cloud around his head. The translucence is unlike the grey human souls I’ve released from demons as the cloud refracts sunlight, colours shimmering in the air above us.
His soul can go free instead. I snatch the crystal from the ground and hide it between my hands. The soul twists toward the crystal, with an energy strong enough to knock the crystal from my grip and the soul darts into the crystal.
The cloud disappears.
I tear at my face, smearing my cheek with blood, screaming Keir’s name until my voice won’t come anymore. The tranquillity of the quiet lakeside is corrupted, the alarmed birds circling above Keir and me. I lean over Keir and pull my hair, hard. Pain. I deserve pain.
I don’t know how long I spend on my own precipice between life and death. A part of me died with Keir today, but I still have a part of him nobody else can have.
I pick up the crystal and run.
Chapter 20
I PACE AROUND the edge of the campus, looking for somewhere to hide. I can’t move nearer and risk somebody seeing me covered in blood and hysterical. As I grip my remaining part of Keir, more waves of screams threaten to crash out of me, but in my numb horror, I can’t make a sound. The morning turns to afternoon, the sun rising high above my shadowed life. Hours pass before, exhausted, I finally crash to the ground and cry my desperation into my knees.
Arrogance, and then fear, stopped me admitting the bloody obvious. I’m soul tied to Keir. I lied to myself even when memories of Keir kept my mind alive in the horror of the dark cell. Every decision I’ve made, since Keir touched me, centred on a desire to stay close to him, to be with him and share everything. The moment our bodies touched, our souls recognised each other and sealed my fate with his. His decision to spare my life cost Keir his own.
I curl into a ball at the back of a building, out of sight and too exhausted to move. If I stay here long enough, the earth might open up and claim me. We’re one already—cold and hard.
Keir’s death replays over and over, torturing me to stay conscious. When will Darius send someone for me? Soon. Please. Soon.
Somebody screams and blows rain into my back. The pain doesn’t filter into my numb body, but I instinctively cover my head, as my attacker kneels and keeps hitting. Finally. Whoever this is can kill me.
“Where the fuck is it? What have you done with it?” screams Dahlia’s angry voice.
I turn to look and flinch at the sight as Dahlia’s fist smacks me in the eye the pain radiating across my face.
“Dahlia, stop it.”
Jack’s tall figure bends down and he yanks Dahlia away by the shoulders until she falls backwards.
“You bitch, you fucking bitch. You did this to him! I always knew you would!” She sits, eyes filled with shining hatred and attempts to seize me again. Behind her, Jack encircles Dahlia, pinning her hands by her sides, looking at me through narrowed eyes.
“Kill me, I don’t care anymore.”
“He thought you cared for him; he fucking loved you!” Dahlia’s voice cracks. “Well, they’re coming for you,” Dahlia’s mouth twists mockingly. “You don’t know what you’ve just done.”
“I don’t care who’s coming for me.”
“You will. I’m not talking about Darius; this will be worse.”
I don’t move. The Fated world flashes across my mind; a paradise compared to this moment. Why didn’t I listen and stay in the dull life of my childhood? Fighting for a free life has led to Hell.
“I’ll wait with her,” Jack tells Dahlia, “You go see if Keir’s still there.”
“He won’t be. I saw the blood next to his body. We’ve lost him now.” A sob catches in my throat and Dahlia snaps her head around. “Shut the fuck up with your pretend tears.”
“I didn’t stab him! He did it to himself.”
Dahlia laughs bitterly. “Right. Sure. Because that’s what people do.”
Jack put his hand on Dahlia’s shoulder. “They’re soul tied, too, I told you.”
“Not true. You don’t take the soul of someone you’re tied to.” Dahlia kneels on the floor, face close to mine. Dahlia’s cold expression and the hatred in her eyes frighten me. How did I ever think Dahlia is a mouse? “He should’ve killed you. Now he’s lost.”
“He’s dead,” I whisper, half to myself.
“Dead? You don’t know anything, do you? You’re clueless!”
“He is. Keir—I—we stabbed him. I have his soul…”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! He didn’t tell you?” cries Dahlia, gripping her coat. “He’s a Nephilim! You don’t just kill them. Keir isn’t dead; he just has no soul anymore. To Keir, that’s even worse than if you had killed him.”
What the hell? I fight back the bile rising in my throat. “He’s alive?”
“Yeah, but he’s not Keir anymore, not the one you know,” Dahlia spits.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ll see. And when the others see… well, you always wanted to know who Keir worked with.” Dahlia lurches toward me again.
Jack grabs one of her arms and pulls her back, and Dahlia slumps forward to the floor, sobbing.
I watch in horror at her weakness matching mine, and Jack drags me to my feet, his ice-cold hand gripping my arm.
I stumble against him, clutching the crystal in my pocket.
“You can’t stay here,” he says in a low voice.
