21 Shades of Night, page 300
This can’t continue. I’ll talk to Keir one last time, then make my decision, before Darius makes it for me.
Today he was the flirtatious and friendly Keir, so this evening I wait. We can’t avoid this and skirt around each other forever.
Keir rounds the corner alone, his tall figure wrapped in a leather jacket and jeans. I straighten, two weeks is a long time to leave things without fully acknowledging the change that night made. Zach. The kiss. Keir doesn’t register me and walks by. I sink back against the bench and watch his imposing figure. A group of guys step out of his way, and the girl with them double takes. How many of the deaths in the area are because of Keir? I dig my hands into my coat pockets and sigh. Tomorrow. No way am I running after him.
Keir pauses, turns, and walks slowly across to me, eyes on mine the whole time. “Ava.”
His face betrays nothing; it’s impossible to tell which Keir he’ll be tonight. His hand moves to his jacket pocket and I stiffen.
“Oh, I don’t have a weapon.” He holds his hands up. “Empty. How about you? A dagger in your boot maybe?”
Silhouetted by the light from the halls of residence behind him, face half-shadowed, Keir should frighten a girl sitting on her own in the shadows. Not Keir. Does he realise he exudes sexuality the way he does, not only to me, but to the soft-eyed girls gazing at him as he moves around campus.
A power he’s used to weaken me.
“You shouldn’t have kissed me like that,” I blurt. Whoa. Okay. Great way to start at a disadvantage. How was that the first thing to come out of my mouth?
Keir smiles. “Why? How do you like to be kissed?”
“That’s not what I meant to say.”
Keir sits next to me and shuffles closer. “What did you mean to say?”
How does Keir turn my soul hunter self into the lost, frightened girl who left the Fated? I duck my head. I can’t let him confuse me again.
“Piss off, Keir.”
He smirks. “Nice. Not surprised you have so few friends.”
I shift away from him, the awareness of the tiny space between his leg and mine too much. “I don’t need friends.”
“Dahlia’s your friend, isn’t she?”
So he’s that Keir. Smart, snarky Keir, and not the Keir who holds me to trees and kisses so I can’t remember my name.
“Ha bloody ha. She doesn’t like me. Won’t even talk to me.”
“I don’t like you and I’m talking to you.”
His words choke mine and I’m left with a pathetic, “Oh…”
“I probably could like you, once you stop plotting to kill me.” He looks ahead and waves a hand casually.
“I’m not plotting to kill you.”
“No?” He tucks his chin into the top of his coat.
“No. I mean, I was. Not anymore. Too hard.” I dig my nails into my palm. Shut up.
“Then why are you still here?”
“Why is Dahlia still here?” I counter.
Keir puffs out a breath. “She can answer that one for you.”
“Why is she helping you?”
“Ask her that too.”
I stand and look down at him. “I don’t want to play words games with you. Just leave or I will.”
Keir rises and moves too close for comfort. “We can fight instead, if you like?” he asks, in a low voice. “I always find that very stimulating.”
My cheeks flush red, and I’m thankful the shadows disguise this. “No!”
“Because you’ll lose?”
“Stop being such a smart-ass. What did you come over to me for? To talk? Fight? Kill me? If it’s to fuck with my head, congratulations, you win.”
“Sometimes I want to talk to you. But I have trust issues around soul hunters. I’m sure you understand why.” Keir raises a knowing brow.
“Apart from Dahlia.”
“She’s not a soul hunter anymore. I didn’t really know her when she was and Dahlia has never tried to kill me.”
This guy is infuriating in his ability to confuse and silence me. I can’t keep doing this. “You want to talk? Talk. I’ll start. You’re not a normal Nephilim. I understood that the day I saw you killing the demon. Then you and Zach. Why? If you aren’t sided with the other Nephilim and the Demon Lords, why aren’t you siding with the Caelestia?”
Keir sits back on the bench and stretches his legs in front of him. “What happens to your collected souls? Your Fated and your Free? Where do they come from? Go?”
“I don’t question what I’m told to do; I perform my role or face the consequences.”
“But you are questioning it. You’ve been questioning it since the moment you decided not to kill me, since your curiosity got in the way of your duty. I can hear you questioning it now.” His eyes shine, the blue visible despite the dim light.
“No. Nephilim and demons steal souls. I kill them and take the souls back to where they belong. End of.”
“Where they belong? Is that what they tell you?” Keir’s voice is derisive, mouth twisting.
“Well, souls don’t belong trapped in demons.”
“But I’m a demon. Partly. But my soul is Caelestia. Where does mine belong?”
“With the Caelestia. They’re doing what’s right, taking back the lost souls to safety.”
“For their war,” says Keir. “Trapping them and putting them in bodies to use as an army against the demons. This is what the demons are doing too—making an army to use against the Caelestia. What right do either have to human souls?”
“Demons steal souls. They kill people! I help free the lost souls.”
Keir rubs his lips as he stares at the ground. His expression is unreadable, and he’s quiet long enough that I may as well walk away. He’s switched off from me; his lies haven’t worked.
“Souls should be free, Ava,” he says eventually and lifts his eyes to mine.
“What?”
“That’s what I do. That’s the secret you’re so desperate to know. I free souls. Every soul I release from a demon is truly free. That’s the ultimate freedom for them—not inside a body with a good or evil label. Not being used by someone else for their own ends. Souls should just… be.”
He’s lying. Something this big couldn’t be hidden from me. “Be where?”
“Wherever the souls want to go, I don’t know. Nobody really understands. They’re intangible, a part of the universe, and not attached to either side of this stupid war. Some choose to spend time in a physical body, often when they’re lost and searching for another. They become human souls until the human dies, and then they return to the stars.” His brow tugs deeper. “If they’re not stolen first. And if they are, I free them.” His eyes shine with a strange fervour. Keir believes he’s telling the truth.
“That’s so wrong, Keir…”
“Is it? You’ve never questioned any of this? About souls? You’re not a typical soul hunter. You’re a survivor. And survivors live because they question and they challenge. Like you.” He pauses. “Like me.”
I am not him. “You can’t free every soul.”
“Not on my own, I can’t. That’s why there’s a group of us who do this. We free the souls trapped in the easiest place to find—demons. For now and later we plan to…” Keir pauses and bites on his lip.
“Plan what?”
“Nothing, Ava,” he says in a quiet voice.
“Everybody knows you’re doing this?”
“Of course they do, they’ve been trying to stop me for a long time now. I’m not Mr. Popular with the Demon Lords because I’m not behaving; and the Caelestia hate me because I’m Nephilim. Life’s interesting.” He smiles weakly.
Souls free? The cool winter chills my face as his words run cold through my blood. Is this the answer to my buried questions? I know about the battle between good and evil, the war that makes Keir and me enemies. But souls belong on my side; saved and protected. Souls aren’t a race of their own.
If I stay here and listen to more of his insanity, I’ll lose my own. “I have to go.”
Keir catches my arm and spins me to face him. “I don’t want to kill you, Ava. So I haven’t yet. But that doesn’t mean I won’t if you try to stop me. I’m giving you a chance by asking you to help me. Because I think you want to.”
His grip hurts. Keir can’t ask me this. Releasing a soul is forbidden; all souls must be returned.
“I can’t.”
“You mean you won’t.”
Passing voices distract me, young humans enjoying their freedom, untroubled by life or death decisions, and unaware of what walks amongst them. The girls jostle each other playfully and their laughter carries through the empty space between us.
I sling my bag across a shoulder; Keir watches intently from under his long lashes, waiting for the response I can’t give. His word games and rapid personality changes have confused me all along, but this? Does he honestly do what he just admitted?
He’s right about my doubts. I’ve seen the mistreatment of the soul hunters by the Caelestia; the soul hunters following their duty above all else, believing their Will can be returned and that never happening. Before I met Keir, doubts had edged in that something was wrong. Why else would the Caelestia be so secretive?
Keir laid out the answer to the question I refused to ask myself. What happens to the souls I collect?
I push hair from my eyes. “I can’t help you even if I did believe what you’re doing is right. I’d be signing my own death warrant.”
Keir shifts his jacket closer around himself. “You signed your death warrant the day you chose to become a soul hunter. You need to decide who to believe and which cause is the one worth dying for.”
Chapter 9
WHAT THE HELL am I doing here? Blood whooshes in my ears as Keir holds the demon on the concrete floor, face down. The creature writhes against Keir’s fierce grip, snarling in a demonic language I’ve heard many times before. The times I stole back human souls. Demons can disguise themselves as humans well, but this one betrays signs of its true self through more than just yellow eyes; beneath shaggy black hair, two small bumps protrude near the front of its head, barely visible but enough to prove this creature isn’t a teenage boy.
“Ava?” Keir concentrates on restraining the demon as I watch, immobile.
An old mattress rests against the wall in one corner of the litter-strewn room and the smell of rotting garbage pervades the derelict house. Again, how am I here?
With him.
Doing this.
Another week of isolation follows my talk with Keir; he returns to his distance as I travel alone in the world, fighting feelings for the guy I’m supposed to kill. His words about freeing souls loop around my mind, feeding on my deepest doubts.
This is why I couldn’t find malevolence in his eyes the first night by the fountain. Every demon I’d killed, before Keir, exuded evil around them, and Keir didn’t. Now I understand why—whatever demon lives inside Keir is controlled by his fervent crusade.
My nights are filled with dreams of Keir, replays of everything that happened between us. Each morning I wake a little more convinced; each day a greater part of me wants to seek him out.
I can’t get my head around Keir’s explanation of what souls are. I’ve never read or heard a story like his but the words are more fuel to the doubting part of me. Admitting this to myself and fighting against my indoctrination are bloody hard. Souls want freedom? The longer I’m away from my world, the more distant the reality, and the more logical Keir’s arguments sound. Look at Darius, the Caelestia, and how they treat people. Am I helping a war by handing souls for the creation of more Fated and more soul hunters? Is that what the Caelestia do with the souls? Enslave them in half-angel bodies to serve? Or is Keir lying?
If this is true, the Caelestia are no better than Demon Lords, and I’m no better than a demon.
I’ve failed anyway. After many weeks without success, Darius must be a heartbeat away from dragging my ass out of here. I need to make a decision before one is made for me. So, decision made, I march up to a surprised Keir and challenge release a soul with me present. Putting myself in the situation and acting on gut instinct at the moment the soul leaves the body will make the decision for me.
Release the demon’s soul or take Keir’s.
“Ava? Come on!” Keir’s knuckles whiten as he grips the demon’s neck, a damp patch spreading beneath the shirt across his broad back.
“Where will the soul go if I don’t take it?”
“I’m not taking the soul if that’s what you’re asking. The soul will be free to choose its own destiny, out of this war.”
My sheathed dagger rests against my hip and the crystal ready to hold a soul nestles in my pocket. A picture of Darius’s face crossed my mind as I prepared earlier this evening, and I almost backed out. In front of me is my new choice. Keir’s vulnerable in his concentration on the creature. I could take his soul.
I take a step toward Keir and the demon.
“Soul hunter?” The demon coughs into the dirt. “Working with a Nephilim? You really do want to go to Hell don’t you?”
I halt. “What does it mean?”
Keir holds the creature’s face against the floor, sweat beading across his forehead. “It’s trying to trick you. Kill the demon. I can’t hold it here all night.”
“You trust the Nephilim boy? Ha!” snarls the demon.
Keir increases his pressure on the demon’s neck. “She trusts me over you. At least I think she does?”
Do I? Shit, what do I do here? My soul hunter instincts goad me into attacking Keir. This is my chance to kill both of them. Squeezing my eyes shut, I shake the thought away. Fighting Keir and the demon at the same time? Yeah, great move. Like that wouldn’t leave me dead on the floor.
I take another step and pause again.
“Do you just want me to kill it? You gonna walk away from this and go back to your old role?” Keir growls.
“It’s not that easy, Keir.”
“It is, just slash its bloody throat!” Keir’s face reddens as he struggles with the demon.
“Help me instead, soul hunter,” begs the demon, twisting its head to look at me. “I’ll help you kill him. Gladly.”
Keir pushes the demon’s face back into the dirt. “Are you playing me, Ava? Is this a trick to weaken my position? Because I’ve told you, if we fight, you won’t win.”
The demon lifts its head again. “He’s fighting a losing battle; you both are, but if you help me take him out, you’ll make a lot of friends amongst my kind and…”
My stomach turns. Help demons? A race who killed my friends? No fucking way. I unsheathe my dagger and launch myself at the demon. A look of uncertainty flickers across Keir’s face as I slash with the knife, dragging the shining metal blade across the demon’s throat. Thick, black blood spills to the floor and pools along the ground toward Keir’s boots.
Time halts as I catch sight of the grey mist snaking into the air above the demon’s body. I curl a hand around the crystal in my pocket, urged on. Catch the soul.
I’m pulled to my duty. The strange cloud over the demon’s head levitates, temptingly close and my head buzzes with fear and confusion. I’m a hunter of lost souls; I can’t let one go. Reality drifts out of focus and Keir catches my arm as I sway. The warmth of his touch pulls me away from the surreal situation to the reality in front of me.
Keir. I take a side-glance at him. He’s fixated on the soul, his full mouth curved into a smile. I could pull the dagger from the demon and kill him. This is my chance to capture his soul and succeed.
No. He isn’t just a Nephilim target anymore. He’s Keir. He told me the truth, and no one has since I left the Fated and became a soul hunter two years ago. The connection we share beneath our distrust drew me into believing in him. Into wanting him.
Killing Keir stopped being an option weeks ago.
The cloud shoots toward the window and spreads through the cracks in the sill until only Keir, me, and the corpse of the demon remain.
I fall to my knees, into the pool of sticky blood, chest aching as if part of me was sucked out of the room with the soul. I bury my face in my knees to hide, but a sob escapes my throat. Useless, stupid tears. I look up at the corpse and the enormity of what I’ve done flows down my cheeks.
Keir can’t see me like this. Nobody sees me like this.
Then Keir is on his knees in front of me. His rough hands cup my wet cheeks as he pulls my head up. His eyes. Soft and blue, the violet specks beautiful. Calming.
“You did the right thing.” He holds my head so I can’t look away from him. “You saved a soul. We saved a soul. Imagine what we could do together, how many souls we could help.”
His words wash over me. “They’re going to kill me.” Blood drains from my head, and Keir’s face grows hazy in front of my eyes.
He shakes his head and wipes a tear away with his thumb. “No, I’ll keep you safe.”
“It’s over… why did I do it? I don’t know why I did it… they’re going to kill me…” I half shout the words gasping, and Keir pulls my head to him, deadening my cries against his hard chest.
Keir strokes my hair, and my breathing quiets; he moves to place his lips on my cheeks, the shock of his touch stilling me. “You did the right thing. In here you know it.” Keir put his palm on my chest, hand over my heart. “We can make such a difference.”
He moves his lips to mine; his gentle mouth spreading calm through my shaking body. I wrap my arms around his neck and fall further from my old life in the comfort of Keir’s embrace.
I’ve taken a step too far and fallen into an unknown future. Fallen into Keir.
* * *
