Paladin, page 10
No Arsen.
He didn’t have to search. He could hear him shouting and laughing from the other room, could hear him pounding on the keys of his keyboard then cackling as he did something Ever couldn’t see.
When he entered the computer room, Arsen didn’t notice at first, but as he crept closer, he must have caught sight of him. He grinned, waving him closer, then tugged him until he was sitting on the stool between his knees, Arsen’s arms bracketing him on either side as he resumed his gameplay.
Ever glanced at the chat, seeing his name appear again and again, but the lines moved too fast for him to read and comprehend. It didn’t matter. He didn’t want to read, he just wanted to enjoy the feel of Arsen’s chest pressed against his back and the feel of his chin brushing his hair and bumping his head every time he spoke or shouted something to his teammates.
On the desk in front of Ever was a bag of candy. Every few minutes, Arsen would stop and shovel some into his mouth. When he noticed Ever watching, he took a handful and held them in front of him. In retrospect, he probably meant for Ever to take them from his hand—which he did. But not with his hand, with his mouth, eating like he was a baby bird or a zoo animal, his lips brushing Arsen’s palm briefly as he took the candy.
He started to chew before he fully comprehended what he’d just done. Once he swallowed, he looked up at Arsen, who was no longer looking at the game but staring at Ever with a look in his eyes that made his belly feel warm and shivery. He wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. He just stared up at him, held captive by the heat in his gaze.
He wasn’t sure who moved first, but Arsen’s lips were suddenly brushing his, leaving a shocky buzzing sensation in their wake. It wasn’t a kiss like in his romance novel. There was no tongue or mouths crashing together. It was barely-there, whisper soft, and the single most erotic thing Ever had ever experienced.
Before he could even react, Arsen was pulling back, dazed. Ever’s heart squeezed, a jolt of awareness spiking through him, when it seemed Arsen might dip his head once more—might kiss him again. Ever sat frozen, holding his breath, his body responding in ways it never had before.
A chime rang out from the computer, jarring Ever from his paralysis. He jumped to his feet, retreating to Arsen’s bedroom and leaping onto the bed, pulling the covers up to his chin.
This time, he didn’t mind the shadowy room. It felt almost safe. Safe enough to trace his lips, his fingertips not feeling nearly as good as Arsen’s lips had.
They still tingled.
Or maybe it was all in his head. Either way, Ever was shaken. His first kiss. He bit down on his lip until he tasted blood, his emotions swinging wildly like a pendulum between confusion and elation.
What did it mean? Did it mean anything? Arsen had said he didn’t want sex from Ever. Had he changed his mind? Kissing wasn’t sex. Was there a line Ever didn’t know about? Something somewhere between kissing and sex?
Ever flopped onto his belly and buried his face in the pillow, groaning at the way Arsen’s scent stirred him, made his skin hot and his pants uncomfortably tight.
He just needed to go back to sleep. Life was less confusing when he was unconscious.
It took approximately thirty seconds for Arsen’s actions to go from his lips to his brain, but by then his mouth was already on Ever’s. It wasn’t Arsen’s fault. Right? How was he supposed to resist when Ever was literally eating out of the palm of his hand, then looking up at him with those wide innocent eyes? Arsen was only human.
A human with no self-control.
As soon as he pulled back, he watched, transfixed as Ever’s tongue swept across his bottom lip, like he was trying to taste whatever trace of himself Arsen had left behind. He wanted more. Did Ever? He dipped his head, hoping one of them had the sense to stop it from happening again.
The tip notification blared through the speakers. Ever sucked in a startled breath then shot to his feet, mumbling something as he hurried off, leaving Arsen staring at the space Ever had occupied just seconds before. The notifications started to chime again and again, but Arsen couldn’t think and definitely had no interest in the people watching or the game paused on the home screen.
Someone cleared his throat in Arsen’s headset.
“Um…you realize we’re all still here, right? You’re on camera, dude,” Seven said, sounding both amused and shocked.
Nico cackled. “That was…awesome.”
“That was hot,” Felix said. “Like, the polar opposite of what I told you to do but hot nonetheless.”
Arsen glanced at the screen where comments from viewers were coming in fast and furious.
I told you that was his boyfriend
Gay!
Is this what this channel is now because ew
Is this what this channel is now because HOT!
I need more Ever content. He’s so cute.
You guys are so hot together. Give us more of that!
I can’t believe they’re all gay. What? How is that even possible?
Will he be on tomorrow night?
Yes, bring back Ever
Ever’s so cute. We stan. Like a little woodland creature
Ever!!!
Ever!!!
Ever’s so cute.
My sweet baby angel.
I just want to squish him.
Protect Ever at all costs.
Can we get a better kiss? That was pretty G rated.
I’d pay to see you two with an OF
“I’m signing off,” Arsen said, distracted.
He ended the session, tearing off his headset and jumping to his feet before stopping short. What was he going to do? What was the plan? Was he going to go confront Ever? Apologize? Say it wouldn’t happen again? Did Ever think Arsen expected something in return now for the day they’d spent together, even though none of it had been his money?
He scraped his fingers through his hair with a snarl then dropped onto the spare bed. What the fuck had he just done? He dug his palms into his eye sockets like if he just rubbed hard enough he might get some fucking clarity. But there was none, there was just Ever, wide-eyed, lips parted, tongue peeking out beneath his adorable bunny teeth.
Fuck! It was taking every ounce of willpower Arsen had not to go crawl into bed with Ever and apologize. Or kiss him again. Or both. Or maybe more. Arsen definitely wanted more. He wanted Ever naked beneath him, staring up at him with that same shocky, innocent look. Did that make Arsen a bad person? Did wanting to bury himself inside Ever make him a bad person?
When their lips met, Ever had made just the faintest—barely audible—whimper and it had made Arsen so hard so fast he’d grown dizzy. He was still very much hard. And there was clearly very little blood flow left for his brain.
Arsen was sure nobody had heard the sound but him, which was good because Arsen didn’t want anybody getting that part of Ever but him. Just him.
No.
What?
This wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal or rational. A week ago, Arsen hadn’t even known Ever existed, and now, he wasn’t sure he could exist without Ever. That was fucked up. It was all kinds of toxic. But Arsen wanted it, anyway. He wanted Ever, anyway. Wanted Ever to want him back in the same fucked-up, toxic, cant-live-without-you way Arsen felt about him.
Or maybe he was just horny? Maybe he just needed to go jerk off in the shower and get himself together before he did something to Ever he couldn’t take back. Not that he would ever force himself on him, but Ever was delicate, fragile… He was so new to all of this. Even forcing that kiss on him could upset the delicate trust Arsen had just barely created.
His phone dinged, and he stood, snagging it from the charger on the desk, stomach churning as he turned it over to see a text from the group chat.
Arlo
What was that?
Dimitri
Who was that?
Noah
Who was who? I’m lost. I’m out of town. What’d I miss?
Felix
Arsen just kissed his pocket-sized, closet-candy in front of the whole world.
Noah
The rescue?
Cree
He’s not a puppy
Zane
Too bad, Noah would just adopt him and he could live in luxury like his other dogs.
Seven
Is Ever okay?
Levi
You all really have such a hard-on for this kid. Like just because he looks like a bush baby doesn’t mean you have to dote on him like one.
Arsen
What is bush baby?
Arsen blinked as a picture of a bug-eyed but adorable fuzzy creature popped up on his screen. It kind of looked like it was smiling. Ever was probably not smiling. He was probably crying or scared or confused. And Arsen was in there watching his stupid friends mock him from the comfort of their own homes.
Nico
Sorry I was in the shower. What’d I miss? Has A already gotten sweet little Ever into bed? Jericho is gonna be pissed, bro
Arsen
Arsen didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t do that.
Arlo
But it looked like you could if you wanted.
Dimitri
Do you? Want it?
Arsen flopped back onto the bed, staring at the text. Of course, he fucking wanted it. Who was he kidding? Clearly, not his friends.
Arsen
It doesn’t matter what I want.
Felix
Don’t be such a martyr.
Noah
What’s happening?
Felix
Arsen here thinks sweet little Ever is off the menu because of his tragic backstory. Apparently you can’t want sex if you’ve been traumatized.
Noah
Tell me you didn’t say that.
Arsen rolled his eyes before typing:
That’s NOT what I said.
Zane
You sort of did, though.
Arsen
You weren’t even there.
Cree
You guys all seem so sure Arsen is trying to fuck this kid. Didn’t he, like, just rescue him from life in a literal closet? It’s been like three days. Not fucking him seems like any easy ask. You guys are perverts.
Lake
Wait who is not fucking who? I’m too lazy to scroll back up. What did I miss? Wait. Is this about Arsen kissing Ever in front of all of Beyonce’s internet?
Levi
Why is everybody acting like this kid is so innocent. He might look like a Walt Disney creation but he is a feral little demon. I still have the mark where he bit me.
Dimitri
Let it go, Elsa.
Levi
Said the psychopath. Didn’t you murder Arlo’s ex?
Dimitri
Technically Arlo did that.
Arlo
He just helped me hide the body.
Noah
I know this is an encrypted app but dude ixnay the urdermey chat.
Arsen sighed. Their chats were always like this. It started as one thing and then morphed into something wildly off topic. They were all killers. There wasn’t a single one of them who hadn’t killed someone. Even sweet little Arlo. Up until Ever, Arlo had been the shyest, most quiet person Arsen had ever met. But he’d still beaten his ex to death with a brick.
Felix
Ever just doesn’t like you, Levi. That’s not a character flaw. It’s good instincts.
Arlo
Arsen, don’t let Ever’s past be the reason you do or don’t do something. That’s not fair to him. I speak from experience.
Noah
Arlo’s right. It’s not Ever’s fault he was put into that situation. He’s still a person.
Arsen stared at his screen. How was he the bad guy here?
Lake
You guys act like this shit went down years ago. Homie was living in a closet last week. Like shouldn’t getting laid not be the top priority? Why are you all so horny all the time?
Noah
We’re not telling Arsen to fuck Ever. We’re telling him to stop treating Ever like he’s too damaged to know his own mind and body. You can have a fucked-up relationship with abuse and still want to have sex
Arlo
Nobody’s saying that
Arsen
I never said any of that
Zane
Can I just be the voice of reason here for two seconds and suggest we get Ever a therapist?
Felix
You think my brother isn’t already working on finding one that will keep his mouth shut?
Noah
Also, not to be unkind but if he was assaulted like Arsen thinks, he needs more than just a therapist. He’s gonna need a doctor’s appointment, blood tests… He could have picked something up from one of these creeps. He might need medicine.
Noah’s gentle reminder felt like a baseball bat to the back of his head. Arsen didn’t know exactly what had been done to Ever, but it was clear he’d had some level of assault forced on him. He did need all of the things Noah suggested, but Arsen worried taking him somewhere to be poked and prodded would just re-traumatize him.
Not that Ever seemed all that traumatized in the first place. Was Arsen trying to force Ever into the role of victim like Felix said? His stomach churned at the thought. He just didn’t want to hurt him, and it seemed impossible that someone who had suffered the abuse Ever had could just be…fine. But…who was Arsen to say he wasn’t? This was all too much.
Arsen
I’m going to bed
He powered off his phone so he wouldn’t be tempted to dive back into the conversation to defend himself. None of it helped. Well, a therapist for Ever would probably help. And a doctor. Hopefully. But neither of those things helped Arsen feel less like a predator. He stared at the door across the hall. Was Ever in there waiting for him? Was he dreading his arrival? Was he even still awake?
Arsen closed his eyes. He would just give Ever some space. They could figure it out in the morning.
“You can’t be weak. The world breaks weak men.”
Arsen blinked back tears. His muscles ached and burned. How long had they been standing there like this? It felt like hours. He was somehow both hot and cold, his organs shaking within him, his teeth clacking together like it was the dead of winter, even as salt stung his eyes and beads of perspiration rolled down his skin.
The room itself felt too small, like he couldn’t breathe, but that was because his father’s large body was wrapped around him, looming over him, his paw-like hands covering Arsen’s, squeezing until the metal of the gun dug into his skin. Even with his father’s hands on his, the gun was slippery in Arsen’s damp palms. He just wanted to drop it and run, but there was no escaping. His father was a big man and he always got what he wanted.
Was Arsen crying? He couldn’t even tell. He didn’t know. His whole body was malfunctioning at once.
Logically, Arsen knew he was dreaming. A part of him recognized that there were differences between this dream interpretation of his mother’s death and what really happened that day but it didn’t matter. It didn’t feel any different.
The dreams weren’t always like this—so vivid. Sometimes, they were hazy, like his brain was wrapped in cotton. Other times, they were sharp enough for Arsen to smell his mother’s blood as she bled out on the kitchen floor.
Sometimes, like tonight, he was right back in it. His father’s hands on his, trying to force him to pull the trigger. Other times, he was standing to the side, an observer watching as his father berates them, intimidates them, beats them with his fists, until it finally culminates in this one…last…stand.
