Without Limits: A BWWM Collection of Passion and Desire, page 38
He wanted that. She was loosening up, letting the broken chips fall where they may.
“I don’t know, Knox. Fans are fickle, you know?” She shrugged. “People say they love your work and support you one minute, then the next, they don’t. My parents pushed and pushed and pushed. They told me it was my fault when things had changed. I learned the hard way that just because someone was smiling in my face and asking for my autograph didn’t mean they’d be there tomorrow, or the day after. People like to chase the next best thing. One day, you wake up and realize you’re no longer what they want. They discard you like garbage... like trash that you drag out to the curb. And it kills you inside... you might take some drugs... you might sleep around... you might... you might run away and isolate yourself, pretend that person you used to be didn’t exist.
“But you can’t... because you loved acting and all you want to do is do it again. You’d do almost anything to get back into the fold. Maybe sleep with a director... you might, uh, do all sorts of things you will take to your grave.” She sniffed and quickly swiped at her eye. “And then... then you feel like cutting your own throat when you realize you did all of that for nothing. Nothing good came of it. It didn’t improve your life, no one called with blockbuster offers, no checks rolled in. You were just used! And then you feel so dirty... so you scrub and scrub and scrub... you gotta make it clean... ‘cause you’re filthy, and you’ll never be pure again.”
“Purity ain’t all that it’s cracked up to be...” She looked up at him and smiled as he caressed her ear. “Beautiful thangs grow from dirt... flowers, plants, food... all from the garden of life. ‘Cordin’ to the bible, we’re dust to dust, made from the Earth. Compost. Recycled trash... just like the kind you drag out to the curb, dressed in your Sunday’s best.” Her eyes watered. He was ready to catch her tears just in case. “We’re only as valuable as our stock. Facts.”
“What if your stock is low? I promise you when you do well in the world, people don’t remember. You piss someone off? Well, you’ll never hear the end of it.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. He sighed, turned briefly away and lit another cigarette.
“The memory is short, Tina, unless there’s a fuck up, baby girl. Just ask my probation officer. He still can’t believe that I’m doin’ what I set out to do. It’s like it’s eating him up inside. See, that’s motivation for me. Once somebody has the goods on you, even if it happened twenty years ago, they’ll bring that shit up all fuckin’ day, week, month, year! You know why? Because miserable people want others to be downtrodden with them, too. People who always hold grudges for shit you’d done or said a trillion years ago and want you to fail got cracked hearts, baby. Most of the time, their shit ain’t got nothin’ to do with your failures of success, it’s got to do with their lack of success and their own failures in life. They’re using you as a barometer instead of havin’ the courage to follow their own fuckin’ dreams.”
She nodded in agreement as he took a puff from his cigarette.
“Exactly. You’re so right, Knox. You know though, it didn’t stop just at my personal life; it was career-wise, too. Most of my roles did well, but not each and every one of them. You just don’t know what’s going to resonate with some people. Sometimes a movie will be good, but maybe it wasn’t marketed right. Other times, it might be just okay, but because something salacious happened then it blows up and before you know it, you’re on the red carpet.” She grimaced, looking much like a woman on the brink of cursing out the entire world. “Younger actresses came onto the scene. I was still really young too, but just not young enough, if you catch my drift...”
“Like, roles they wanted you to play but you’d outgrown ‘em?”
“Pretty much but they wanted to keep me as a little girl — Hollywood, that is. Stagnated. They wanted me to always be that precocious eight-year-old with the pigtails. People have problems letting go, want to hold onto the past and not let people grow. My parents wanted that, too because at the time, that’s where the money was. But kids grow up... and honestly, I was tired of playing that cute little Black girl who cracked jokes and was overly dramatic. I could really act, Knox. I had had formal training and I was a natural according to almost anyone who meant anything in the business.
“When puberty hit, the movie opportunities changed naturally. Initially, it was fine. In fact, I was excited and happy about it. I thought, ‘Finally!” She tossed up her arms. “Grown up roles!’ But then it seemed things started to go straight to Hell.”
“What happened?” His curiosity was truly piqued. He’d never been this close to someone in movies before, let alone fucked them. He’d spent most of his time around rich criminals, such as himself... it wasn’t quite the same. He hated to admit it, but he found it rather alluring and sexy. Was he star struck? Perhaps, but he leaned harder toward the possibility that he simply loved hearing her speak, relaying her life to him... allowing him to step inside a world he knew little about. Her world...
“I didn’t want to do it. I’d go for a role that requested, say, a nurse and be rejected but they were quick to offer me the role of a crackhead. Or I’d go to another audition, they’d say I was great but they’d prefer for me to play the part of some jackass’s ghetto baby mama! I refused these roles time and time again and my career died! I was sick and fucking tired of Black women being the maid! Bein’ the drug addict! The prostitute! No more!”
There. He could see it in her eyes. This was the true, authentic Tina. The woman behind the mask, not the one standing on her high tower, looking down at the people she probably believed were mere peons. This was the vulnerable Tina. The angry Tina. The ‘I’m not taking this shit and here’s why!’ Tina. And he liked her all the more for it.
“They wanted me to act all ‘sister-girl.’” She snapped her fingers in an exaggerated way. “I’m an actress, Knox. I didn’t want to play caricatures... walking cartoons. Black people are not walking and talking comic books! We can do more than make you laugh.”
“I can understand that. I mean, shit, I don’t know what it’s like to be an actor obviously, unless you include all the times I’ve lied my ass off to survive a close call, and I sure as hell don’t know what it’s like to be treated less than ‘cause of my race.” From her expression, she seemed vindicated by his admission. “But I do know what it’s like to be stereotyped...believed to not amount to nothin’ because of my history and my background... hell, even the way I look. I know about that all too fuckin’ well.”
Her smile slowly dissipated. “I’m sorry.”
“Ain’t no need to apologize. I wasn’t talkin’ about you, at least not right now, but I appreciate that all the same. Anyway, we’re not talking about me right now. Go on.”
“But I like hearing you talk, too.”
Her smile returned, wider than ever. He grinned at the little vixen, kissed the tip of her nose, and shook his head.
“I’ve got plenty of stories, baby. Right now, it’s your turn to shine. Go on, finish. I’ll make all the time in the world for you...”
Chapter Seven
“Well, all right. I turned eighteen and shit got even worse.”
“What happened?” He lit another cigarette, but this time, the woman snatched it out of his hand and took a long drawl. He chuckled and slapped her back, trying to stop a long, choppy bout of dry coughs.
“I’m dying!” she said dramatically, while turning red in the face. Her body waving back and forth like a flag in the wind, she grasped at her neck in desperation, clawing at her skin as if her throat were closing and all hope was lost.
“You don’t smoke, do you?”
“No, I don’t smoke!”
“Then why in the hell did you take my cigarette then? Damn, lady, you coulda asked me how first!”
He laughed harder, and she did too once she caught her breath, the redness in her face slowly fading away. He soon found himself rubbing her back nice and slow, coaxing her into a state of relaxation. Then he glanced down at her breasts and his cock jumped...
“I don’t even know why I did that... smoking... Jesus. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life. You looked so... I don’t know. When you do it, it looks right.”
“But you’re not me; you’re you. This is the wrong damn habit to try and pick up, especially at your age. I’ve tried to quit twice. Maybe the third time is a charm.”
“If we remain friends after this I know you will never let me live this down.”
She smiled wide, and he did the same.
Oh honey, we’re gonna be more than friends. You can take that to the bank and then I’ll rob it...
“Smoking suits you, as strange as that sounds. I mean, not the possibility of cancer part, but you know what I mean.” He smirked at the woman and shook his head. “It just felt like the thing to do. Anyway, back to what we were saying.” She coughed a few more times, then continued. “After a while, I got a reputation of being hard to work with because I refused to do nudity, too. I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was subsequently blackballed, told I had a bad attitude... this was before I really did have a bad attitude. All because they wanted me to show my tits and ass.”
“Little Ms. Prude...” He chuckled, though it was obvious she wasn’t amused with his jab. “Look, baby, I’m not judging you, all right? I’m just sayin’ it matches everything else.”
“What are you talking about? Matches what?” She leaned away and looked him up and down as if his face had invited a frying pan to smash it.
“You put on airs.”
“Well, thanks a whole lot.” She rolled her eyes. “Here I am opening up to you, and you use it as a chance to kick me while I’m down.”
“No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. What I’m sayin’ is... and since we’re bein’ honest... we’re bein’ honest, right?” His brow arched.
“Yeah... we’re being honest.” The woman crossed her arms over her chest and drew closer to him once again, as if second guessing her sensitivity.
“You’re one of those women who acts all stuck up but in reality, you’re peachy keen, real nice and freaky.” At this, he was met with a gasp. “Oh, save it!” He rolled his eyes and settled back onto the pillow that was plumped behind his head, briefly closing his eyes. “Come on, you can’t fool me, all right? Like I told you, I study people. It was a matter of survival. You better know who the hell is in front of you, behind you, and on either side while in the pen, especially if they catch wind that you’ve got access to any sort of money. Anyway, I like women like you... you’re fun, too.”
He took another toke of his cigarette, then rested it in the ashtray.
“Fun, huh?”
“Yeah... See, to me, that’s how women should be. What’s for your man is for your man. You’re a lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. Now, as far as your career, you’re damn right that people only love you in real time. That whole, ‘What have you done for me lately?’ is more than a Janet Jackson song. I’m telling you right now, that if you’ve got the talent that you believe you have, you can start again.”
“I appreciate your optimism, but it’s not that easy, Knox.”
“I don’t agree. We can always reinvent ourselves... I’m proof of that.” She looked at him long and hard. “I’ve been doing all sorts of petty crimes since I was a kid, Tina. It was all I knew. I grew up and became a big-time hustler, one of the best. If I could turn all of that around, take a job that barely pays me enough to keep the lights on after being filthy rich for most of my adult life — blood money, but my money nevertheless — then anyone, including you, can make somethin’ that went left go right. I love workin’ on cars... I’ve got dreams. One day I’d like to get married, have a kid or two, but I want to get my money right, have something to offer.”
“You feel like you’ve got something to prove now, don’t you?”
“You’re damn straight. I want to prove to not only others, but to myself, that I can keep my damn nose clean for a change. There’s nothin’ glamorous about an aging felon. We either end up dead or doin’ life in prison. I am gettin’ too old for this shit. For the first time in my life, I want a normal life. Whatever the hell normal means... but I want it all the same. No more cops, no court dates, no probation officers... none of that. I want to know what it feels like to not look over my damn shoulder... to earn every cent that comes my way. My grandmother died without seein’ me become the man she knew I could be. I can’t let her down again. I pray she can still see me, watchin’ me from somewhere. I wanna make ‘er proud.”
The woman leaned in close and kissed his lips. They took each other’s hands and squeezed, then he brought her fingers to his mouth and kissed them. It was then that he realized all good things must come to an end...
I don’t wanna go home... that house is empty. Tina, right now, I’m scared to be alone. If I go back home like this, after bein’ so close to you, opening up to you, listening to you, connecting with you, and that plug is snatched away, I’m gonna suffer. I want to stay next to you... beside you... on top of you... inside you. Your house, doll house or not, has life in it... a beating heart inside a soft, sweet smelling, good lookin’ woman. I just wanna stay here in your bed, under the sheets, drinkin’ your tea and smokin’ my cigarettes... I wanna make love to you over and over again, fall asleep, then start all over again... with you.
I wanna be your friend and your lover. I want to encourage you and for you to say those sweet words you’ve been saying, things to help me stay on track. ‘Cause I don’t trust myself and I need some support. I need a woman who’s soft and pretty but will stick it to me if I fuck up. And most of all, I want to know all about you, baby...
“Has the acting bug ever left you, even for a second?” He snatched himself out of his thoughts, growing uncomfortable with the way his mind was obsessing about her in a non-sexual way. This wasn’t the plan... but it was happening all the same.
The woman looked away for a spell, as if thinking long and hard about his question.
“No... I’ve had brief vacations from it, but then, I always go right back to it, like a lover I just can’t shake. I’m always wanting it.”
“That’s how you know it’s meant for you to do. It’s like a cigarette addiction... only, it has benefits.”
She lightly laughed at his words.
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it, I suppose. In fact, you know what? On second thought, Knox, I never stopped because I still have an agent. I call her all the time... too often, actually.”
“If the shit isn’t working then stop doing what you’re doin’ and try something else.”
“What? My agent? Everyone has an agent in this business though, Knox. That’s not something you can just skip over.”
“I’m not sayin’ ditch the agent. I’m sayin’ stop waiting for her to put the gas in the car and start up the engine. Do it yourself. You are walkin’ up to closed doors and then walking away without even ringing the doorbell. Break that bitch down! Stop wishin’ for a light at the end of the tunnel and make your own illumination. Stop calling your agent and get your ass out there. That’s my advice to you, unsolicited or not. See, that’s one thing I learned while in prison, Tina.”
“What?”
“Besides not droppin’ the soap…” She burst out laughing and playfully slapped his thigh. “I learned ain’t nobody gonna do shit for you with the same passion and zealousness that you have.” He pointed in her direction. “They will help you in the meantime, in their spare time, as long as you have a dime, but when you’re hungry, when you’re desperate...” He tilted her chin upward and layered her mouth with urgent kisses as his body stirred and his dick got hard from their oral embrace. “That’s when you break through. You understand? Most people never get to where you got. You’ve already snatched some front row seating. You’ve got an advantage because more people know your name than, say, the average Joe. You have one foot in the damn door because you know your way around these parts. You’ve got the landscape down pat.”
“But the landscape has changed so much, Knox. Things are different now. With social media, all this craziness and producers and directors wanting actors to jump through hoops for a little of nothing, my chops, my talent and my knowing the industry doesn’t mean shit anymore. Let me try another cigarette,” she joked, followed it by a sultry wink.
“No.” He laughed before giving her a peck on the lips. “I suggest you put on your white gloves, dust yourself off, and take the bull by the horns. You hear about a role? You call your damn self and then just show up, all right? You put your best foot forward. You’re a grown ass woman now. You don’t wanna show your tatas — fine. Tell ‘em to get a stunt double and make it worth their while because you gotta prove to them that you can act your ass off, and they won’t find a better person to fill the shoes of that role. Remind them that you’ve got keys to the money train. That’s all Hollywood probably cares about. It’s not who has the best actin’ chops, it’s who the audience will go to the movies ‘nd see... but if you suck, then the movie will fail. If you’re good – then you’ve lined everybody’s pockets and you won’t have to chase roles, those roles will come to you! I ain’t no movie producer, I ain’t a script writer, either. I ain’t got no experience in your industry, but I know a lot about movies, Tina. I know how these things work, I can see it from an angle you can’t anymore. I know what the people want. Just listen to me, and you’ll be fine. I promise.”
“You’d make a great motivational coach... I may need to record you and play this as my mantra every morning.” She grinned.
He took a strand of her hair and wrapped it between his fingers as he looked into her eyes.
“Girl, stop fuckin’ around.” He looked at her sternly, needing her to understand the gravity of the matter. “I’m serious. Stop makin’ excuses and blaming others for your failures in life. I spent a lifetime doin’ that.”
