Dimmed Lights, page 20
part #3 of On Stage Trilogy Series
“Err…point taken,” I muttered. “Do you want me to go, or…?”
Joonie chuckled.
“I wasn’t serious, you dummy. And I am getting wasted,” he said, lifting up the half-empty wine bottle that I hadn’t even noticed he had in tow. “Just not with everyone. At the moment. Want some?”
I raised my eyebrows at him. “I’m not supposed to drink, you know.”
“Right…” he mumbled, trailing off. It was almost like he didn’t quite believe me and my resolution of staying away from alcohol.
“I just think I should lay off for a while. Just in case.”
He nodded and turned his gaze back to the night sky. Him being this chill was a nice confirmation I wasn’t fucked up in the head too much, at least beyond repairing. I imagine I would’ve gotten a lecture if he was really worried.
Unfortunately, all the light pollution didn’t allow us to see any stars, so the silence became a bit boring. Thankfully this time it wasn’t an awkward one. Still, it ended in a short while when Joonie finally decided to discuss the thing he wanted to. I knew he had something in his sleeve. I should’ve known.
“So, I heard your little conversation with Tae earlier.”
I blinked a couple of times, surprised. “Um, okay? But…you weren’t there?”
He smiled at me, almost mockingly, but still sported a slightly worried expression. I had no idea how he did it—be chill one moment and this worrywart the next. It gave me whiplash.
“I was there,” he said. “Technically. In the bathroom. And I got curious.”
I rolled my eyes. “Let me guess, it’s your time to give me a lecture.”
“Nah. You’re a big boy. You can figure it out yourself.”
“Then why are you bringing it up?”
Joon shrugged. “It’s just something Tae said that bugs me. But I’m not sure if I should tell you this or not.”
“You already started.”
“Fair,” he said and winced, a slightly nauseous expression flashing on his face briefly. I don’t know what it was, but it made me feel sorry for him.
I sighed. Joonie was such a drama queen it was probably nothing. Still, I couldn’t help but say, “It’s fine, you don’t actually have to.”
“No… It’s just… I think I know why Joe’s so chill about the shooting incident,” he explained, so silently I had a hard time figuring out the actual words. He even evaded my eyes, dropping his shoulders so he looked small and fragile.
“...okay?” I whispered back, and scrunched my eyebrows together. What in the actual fuck had happened to make Joonie this uneasy? He was the most confident guy I knew for crying out loud. This Joonie, small voice, hunched shoulders…was definitely not normal.
Joonie took a couple of deep breaths, and then straightened himself up, offering me a slight smile. “I lost my phone right before the…err, incident. In Yongma Land.”
I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but I nodded anyway. What? I was curious about this…mostly because it involved Joe.
“When I finally got it back, and went through the photos, I think I regained some memories from that day. You know, as I’m brain damaged and all, they were kinda lost. At least I think I got some of them back. But I’m not exactly sure. It’s hard to explain.”
“Joonie, no offense but you don’t make any sense. I mean, where are you going with this?”
“I don’t think it was Joe who shot Min-ho,” he said and took a deep breath. “I think it was me.”
“Oh.” Joe had shot Min-ho. Wait, or Joonie did? Anyway, someone shot that dickwad and if it was Joe, all the more respect to him. Chill or not.
Also…wait, what? Was Joonie even more of a badass than I had thought? My eyes widened as I processed the information.
Joonie let out a long breath, as if he had held it in. “Oh, indeed.”
Then the whole thing settled in.
“Well, fuck. That kind of changes… everything.” I mean, if this were to come out, whether or not Joonie would be found at fault, his career would really be over in a heartbeat. And so would mine. We wouldn’t have a lead singer, for fuck’s sake, without Joon—
“I know.”
Not to even mention what would happen to Joe if Joonie would ever confess. He’d lose his license and the right to work as a bodyguard for sure, as he would’ve used his privileges wrongly. He wouldn’t be allowed to carry a gun ever again. Hell, he’d most likely face prison time.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’m not gonna rat out your boyfriend,” he said and snickered, apparently reading my mind. “Well, if he doesn’t rat me out first.”
Now that was a relief.
But I just muttered, “He’s not my boyfriend,” and turned my gaze back to the cityscape.
“He will be,” Joonie countered, winking.
I held down the urge to roll my eyes for the millionth time that night. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. That man’s whipped. Back in Paris, he didn’t let anyone come even near you, except the paramedics. I halfway expected him to start barking at us.”
I chuckled. It wasn’t like I couldn’t picture that. Joe was such a Golden Retriever after all. Or a Labrador.
“Well, that’s his problem,” I still said. “I never said I wanted anything to do with him.”
“That’s so much bullshit and you know it,” Joon said and raised his wine bottle at me, winking. “Oh well, I’m gonna head back to the party. Have fun with that soda of yours.”
“I will,” I said, raising my can and watching him go, leaning my back on the concrete edge of the balcony thing.
Contemplating if I should go back inside too, I watched them all through the window. Joonie went straight to the table where some of them were playing cards and joined them. Minjae was still dancing. Do-hyun smacked the back of Joe’s head when he lost to him. Do had never been a very good loser. Tae was sitting next to Joonie, softly stroking his back with his fingertips.
There was a chair left empty next to Do, and I just knew that was reserved for Minjae for whenever he’d calm down enough to actually sit. But there was one empty chair right there in between Joe and Tae as well. I daydreamed that it was meant for me. That the guys had left it empty for me. Either way, I felt like I belonged in that exact spot. Surrounded by the rest of GRiD…but especially next to Joe.
Right then, Joe said something and Joonie turned to face him, pointing towards the balcony—towards me—with his thumb. I wondered what they were talking about, but then the moment was already over.
My phone buzzed inside my pocket. I frowned—lately the only one who ever texted me was Hana, but it was like nine in the morning in Korea and I knew she had a morning shift today. She never texted me at work. So I dug the phone up and turned the screen on.
There was a text from Joonie. An ultimate surprise. I hadn’t even noticed him picking up his phone or anything.
See, he’s even asking about you. Now come get your man, the text said.
It became hard to not smile like a goofball. And trust me, that look doesn’t suit me. At all.
He’s just doing his work, I typed back, and jammed the phone back in my pocket.
But that was the moment when I decided that if Joe showed even the slightest hint that he had even the tiniest sparkle of feelings towards me, I’d have to take my chances, and at least try to win him back.
Of course, that meant I’d have to actually spend time with him. I strolled inside, straight to the table and sat on the chair next to him.
Important Realization
Nothing happened that night. It was the same as all the nights before. Joe barely spoke to me, and if he did it was always business.
Concerts came and went. Days went by. Cities changed… and there were no hints on Joe’s part that he had any feelings towards me, whatsoever.
And soon, way too soon, it was time for our last concert in Europe. It was to be held in Helsinki, to be exact. Their Olympic Stadium had gone through a renovation, and we were to be the first foreign musical act to stand on its stage. Seemed like a huge deal to the Finns.
I was starting to panic. Slightly. No, who was I kidding; I was scared shitless. Not about the concert, though. Well, not that much about the concert.
Rather, I was running out of time. Who knew if Joe had already found a replacement for his position as my bodyguard? I mean he didn’t exactly talk about these things with me anymore. Surely, there was someone just waiting for us to get back home so they could ruin my life. I couldn’t even start to imagine how long it would take me to try and trust a completely new person who would be a huge part of my life.
Not to mention I’d lose the very last one of my chances to try and get my happiness back.
But before all that—concert and getting back home business—we were to have a fan meeting. Two hundred people would soon be packed into an auditorium. And us, having to face the enthusiasm at a close distance, sitting by a long table at the stage of the said auditorium. That’s where the fans would be lining up to, to get their two very expensive minutes with each of us.
Yes, it was going to be only two minutes per guest. Still, it would take us the whole, long-ass day, to get through it. At least eight to nine hours, taking the breaks and overall goofing around into account.
Minjae was thrilled and practically bouncing around the still-empty place as we were waiting for the event to start. The rest of us…yeah, we weren’t that hyped. Don’t get me wrong, meeting the fans up close was always fun, and I was very grateful for them. But they could be exhausting at times too.
“Alright, let’s get this done,” Joonie hollered.
Everything was set up. The background music—our latest album—was playing at a low volume. Our wireless mics, which we’d use to talk with the fans whenever there was a break in the line, were connected. There were snacks prepared and water at hand.
Joe and the rest of the security personnel were taking their places. A chill went down my spine when I noticed he had taken the position that was directly behind our table. That indicated to me his job for the day was to keep his eyes on us, as well as keeping the fans going forward in an orderly fashion.
Great, just great. Now I’d have to deal with feeling his eyes on me the whole day. As if I wasn’t frustrated enough already.
“Now, are there volunteers to take the first seat?” Joonie asked, when we reached him.
No one, not even Minjae, volunteered. It wasn’t a surprise by any means. It would have to take an insane person to volunteer for that.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” Tae asked.
Joonie and the rest of us nodded and formed a loose circle.
The first round was a tie. We all chose rock for some fucking reason. Then me, Do-hyun and Minjae lost with paper, while Tae and Joon picked scissors.
“Yuss,” Joon cheered, high-fived with Tae and they took the last two seats behind the table.
Minjae won the next round and took the middle seat. Do-hyun and I both became desperate, so we settled for a match for three wins.
Paper vs paper.
Rock vs paper.
Scissors vs rock.
Paper vs rock.
Paper vs scissors.
And I lost. Three to one.
Defeated, I slumped down on the first seat, already exhausted by the mere thought of having to be in this spot the whole day.
It was going to be rough. Still, Jiwoo didn’t have any mercy for us, and opened the doors. The pure volume of the fans, screaming as they went to wait in their seats for their turn, was already a lot.
I plastered on a smile, took a deep breath, and glanced at the crowd. Minjae was already chatting with the fans. His voice amplified by the microphone, he skillfully hid some fairly good instructions for the fans, for how we’d all get through this smoothly. I directed a grateful smile towards him. I’m not sure if he caught it or not.
“Alright, that is all! Now remember we’re gonna spend the whole day here so keep yourselves hydrated, have some snacks while you wait and enjoy,” Minjae concluded and Seong-gi took the lead.
He herded the first batch of fans to come by our table.
It was on.
My head started to hurt in no time. The first seat was always the worst, having to take the peak enthusiasm of the screaming and squealing ladies—and some gents.
But that wasn’t the worst part. Joe’s eyes burned my neck. I could feel it every time he looked at me. I knew it was most likely only out of duty, I truly did. Still, every time it happened, the tiny hairs on my neck stood up and I had a hard time holding back a shiver.
I regret to admit that I was soon so out of it, I barely even glanced at the guy that stopped in front of me and dropped his copy of the “Contrast” album on the table. He didn’t even say a word, only stuffed his hands in his jeans’ pockets. It slightly amused me— why the hell had he paid nearly 200€ for the tickets and gone through the hassle of getting GRiD Crew membership to be here when he clearly didn’t want to.
I glanced at his name plate. “So, Joonas, what do you want me to write here?” I asked, smiling slightly.
“Just the autograph, or whatever. It’s for my girlfriend,” he said, pointing his thumb towards a girl that had just passed my spot. She was almost squealing while trying to have a conversation with Do-hyun on the next seat over.
Chuckling under my breath at his disinterested tone of voice, I snapped my gaze up to take a better glance at the guy's face. He had bright blue eyes, sort of sandy blond hair. Very handsome. But his looks weren't what caught my attention. It was the voice. A very familiar one at that.
“Or actually scratch that. You better make it interesting for the absurd price you’re taking for this… event,” he continued while I was still frozen in place, now one hundred percent sure the guy in front of me was actually Jonezzi, upon hearing that voice again. After all, I already knew he was from Finland and that he had a girlfriend who was a fan.
“You must really love your girlfriend?” I mumbled, toying with the marker on my hand.
Jonezzi—or Joonas—even blushed a bit at that. “Yeah…” he mumbled, stuffing his hands deeper in his pockets while evading my eyes.
“One minute,” Joe mumbled behind me, letting us know the time was almost up. And giving me one of those heart attacks he was so good at causing, but we’re not talking about that. I turned my attention back to Joonas.
I nodded at him, a smirk tugging the corner of my mouth up as I figured out exactly what I’d write on the album. Hastily, I popped the cap of the marker open, and scribbled: ‘Good game, Jonezzi’ and my autograph directly below it.
“Thanks, dude,” he said as I handed him the album back.
“You’re welcome,” I said and winked. “Take care of that girlfriend of yours; clearly she has a good taste in music.”
Joonas barely glanced at my signature and started walking over to Do-hyun’s spot. Then, the realization hit him hard, and he stopped, snapping his eyes to meet mine with his mouth hanging slightly open. I shushed him discreetly. I wasn’t able to hold down a full grin that spread to light up my whole face when I looked at the shock evident on the dude’s face.
“Time’s up,” Joe said behind me with a surprisingly stern voice, signaling the next gal in line that it was her turn. “Move along, now,” he continued to Joonas, who quickly shook his head, blinking, before dropping the album in front of Do-hyun.
From the corner of my eye, I noticed him getting through the rest of our table, before giving me an odd glance again right before disappearing through the exit. I couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day. What an odd encounter it was.
Eventually, after what felt like a small eternity, the last fan had collected our autographs and the doors closed. I wasn’t the only one who slumped down on their chair. In fact, Do-hyun even sort of collapsed, hitting his forehead against the tabletop, mumbling something incoherent about never doing this again. Well, to be honest, I was also glad that we wouldn’t do any more fan signing events for the rest of the tour.
I would’ve been glad that the European leg of our tour was going to be over after tomorrow’s show, if it wasn’t for the fact that Joe still hadn’t shown me a single hint that there was a chance for us. I was pretty sure I had never seen him act this professional before. Ever. And now this nonchalant indifference towards me had been going on for weeks, with no end in sight.
Quite frankly, I was losing hope. All I needed was the smallest hint of interest from him. Anything, really. I did not have the courage to try and win him back without one, that was for sure.
“Let’s head back to the hotel,” Joonie huffed, stretching his back still sitting on his seat at the end of the table. “I need a bath and a glass or two of wine.”
“Yes, please,” I mumbled back.
Everyone turned their eyes directly at me.
Narrowing my eyes at the rest of them, I asked, “What?”
They just continued staring. It honestly creeped me out a little. I frowned, briefly, before the realization hit me. I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, chill. I meant the bath, not the wine.”
The drive to our hotel was a relatively long one—we didn’t want any fans to follow us to the hotel, so we had chosen a venue far away for the fan signing event. I was riding with Joe, though he didn’t so much as acknowledge my existence in any way—meaning there wasn’t much company to pass the time. Or anything interesting going on outside either.
I grew bored.
I picked up my phone in hopes of passing some time by playing games or something. Strangely enough, there was a notification from the messaging app that I used mainly for gaming purposes. I had told them I might not have time for any gaming for a while, so my curiosity peaked.
Once I tapped the app open, it looked like Joonas had started a private chat with me. I couldn’t help but grin when I opened it to see a picture of my own signature.
