Let Him Go, page 10
On Friday afternoon while the office was quiet, I hoped to improve my skills. I found and opened a recorded webinar called “Better Technology for Administrative Professionals,” but I couldn’t get the sound to work. After trying everything I could think of to hear the webinar, I called our IT Department.
Wes answered my call. After I told him my problem, he said he’d be up to check soon.
A few minutes later, Blake called me into his office. “Has anything changed?”
I sat across from his desk. “There appears to be more tension between us this week.”
“I agree. But that’s not what I asked.” He sounded annoyed. “Have you changed your mind regarding us?” He spoke in a sarcastic tone. “Have you heard from God, yet?”
Blake still didn’t get it. I was drained. I continued to skip meals and prayed frequently. “You’re waiting on me, and I’m waiting on you.” I tried to sound pleasant. “Our relationship and the possibility of getting married is mainly between you and God now, not me and God.” I failed with the pleasantry.
“What are you saying?” He scowled. “I attend church, read my Bible, counsel with Manuel, listen to your music, and pray. Not enough for you? Do you want to manipulate everything I do?”
I stood and placed my hands on my hips. “Who are you doing those things for? Me? They’re not for me.” I brushed my bangs off to the side. “I want you to do them for the Lord and because you find pleasure in them and in Him.” I zipped out his door. I hated what this policy had done to us.
Blake followed close behind. “This is crazy.” He raised his hands and brought them back down. “I’ve been patient with you. Understanding too. But this has gone on long enough. Eliza won’t put all this religious nonsense on me. She’ll marry me in a heartbeat.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I reeled around to face him. “Marry you?” I placed my hand on my chest.
Wes rushed into our suite. “Religious nonsense?” He closed the door behind him.
I looked at Wes, shook my head, and lifted my palm to caution him.
He ignored me. “Blake needs to hear this from someone other than you.” He glared at Blake. “Keedryn needs a husband who leads. Someone who is the spiritual head of the household. To take his rightful place in the home. A man who follows Christ.”
Blake clenched his fists. I stepped in between the two men and stared at Blake.
Wes wasn’t finished. “Let go of your pride, or you’ll lose her forever.”
With my back to him, I held my hand behind me, waving at him to stop. Couldn’t Wes see Blake’s reddened face?
“Truth be told, I’d like her to dump you and be my girl.” Wes pressed on. “But you hold her heart. After God that is. He’s first with her. Right where He should be.”
Blake crowded in between Wes and me. I turned to watch.
Blake stood face to face with Wes. “Sounds like you’re the husband she needs. I give her to you. You can have her.”
I took a step back and bumped against a wall. I tried to grip something, anything. Nothing there to hold onto. I wasn’t sure I could stand. I closed my eyes to stop the spinning.
“The two of you can serve God and live happily ever after.” Blake spewed. “I have a lady waiting on me who’ll love me for who I am whether I decide to serve the Lord or not. She has no ulterior motives.”
I opened my eyes and saw Blake bump hard into Wes on his way out the door.
Wes helped me to my chair. “I can’t believe he blew up like that. Are you okay?”
I nodded. I wasn’t okay, though. I didn’t know what was worse. God telling me to let Blake go or Blake giving me to Wes like I meant nothing to him.
Wes knelt in front of me and took both of my hands in his. He prayed a beautiful prayer over me. He also prayed for Blake. After his prayer, he lingered. “I’m not going to leave you until I know you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” I stared at the wall in front of me.
Wes didn’t budge.
I wanted him to leave so I could cry alone. I clutched my stomach. Blake didn’t walk out on me. Did he? Marry Eliza? Impossible.
I blinked my tears away and looked at Wes. “You should go. I don’t want you to get in trouble for not getting your work done.”
“Making sure you’re okay is more important than my work.” He stood and grabbed a few tissues from my desk and handed them to me. “Would you like company this evening?”
I sniffled. “Nicki’s spending the night. I promised to take her out to see Christmas lights this evening and shop for her parents in the morning.” I stood. I was grateful for Wes’s concern, prayers, and friendship. So much so, I did something I shouldn’t have done. I hugged him—a quick, thank-you hug.
Miranda strutted in. “What have we here? Keedryn and Wes.” She strolled over to Blake’s office and peeked inside. “I hoped to catch Blake. Is he here?”
When her back was to us, Wes grabbed my hand. I gave him a sidelong glance.
I took a deep breath and kept my voice steady. “He left for the day. Would you like to leave him a message?”
“I’ll check with him later.”
Wes turned to face me. “I’ll pick you up at 6:00. Will that work?”
Cute. He wanted to rescue me from rumors. “That’ll be perfect. Nicki will enjoy seeing you again.”
I peered at Miranda. “We’re taking my granddaughter out to see Christmas lights tonight.”
“How sweet.” She glared at Wes. “Don’t you have a job to do?”
“Yep. I’m gone.” He squeezed my hand and leaned toward my ear. “I’ll see you later.”
When Wes left, Miranda stepped closer. “Did he kiss you on the cheek?”
“Would that be a problem if he did? We don’t work in the same department.” If she wanted a fight, I was ready.
“Are the two of you getting serious?”
“I suppose that depends on your definition of serious. We’ve been seeing each other for the past three months.” I didn’t lie, but I didn’t admit to any dates. We ate lunch together often.
“Hmm. Your relationship with Wes isn’t a fake?”
I reached across my desk to turn off my computer. “Wes is a great guy. We enjoy one another’s company.”
“And is Blake serious about Eliza?”
“Sounds that way. I guess if you want to know more, you can ask him.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
I wanted to wipe the sneer off her face. “Blake is free to date whomever he wishes. Forgive me. But I’m getting tired of all the questions, and I need to leave early today.”
~
I called Jenny and asked if she could bring Nicki to my place instead of me stopping by to pick her up after work. I needed an hour of alone time to pull myself together. Blake broke my heart.
You can have her, Wes. I give her to you.
I laid across my bed, wept, and prayed. Blake sounded angry and hateful. He spoke ugly to me and Wes. How could he act that way toward me? If that was the way he loved, I was better off without him.
Jenny dropped Nicki off at 5:45 p.m. My granddaughter asked me why my Christmas tree lights weren’t on and told me I needed more decorations.
“I had more at the bottom, but Roxie keeps knocking them off. She’s broken two already, so I moved the others higher.”
Nicki laughed. “She and Lucy would have fun together.”
Wes arrived at 6:00. Nicki was excited when she saw him, although she questioned me before he came as to why Blake wouldn’t join us.
After I grabbed our coats from the hallway closet, Wes drove us across town to a drive-through dancing light show. We tuned the radio to the correct frequency and enjoyed flashing lights while listening to “Jingle Bells,” “Deck the Halls,” “Up on the Housetop,” and several other fun songs. Lights of many colors and designs danced to the beat of the music.
Nicki couldn’t contain her excitement. “These are the best Christmas lights I’ve ever seen. Can we drive through again?” She pointed and squealed with delight at everything.
Wes laughed. “Have you toured the Gaylord Opryland Hotel this time of year?”
“I have.” I turned to see Nicki behind me. “Have you ever gone with Mommy and Daddy?”
Her eyes grew round. “Do they have pretty lights too?”
Wes said, “You bet. Decorated trees, flashing lights, snowmen, and other decorations.”
“Can we go tonight?” Nicki bounced in her car seat.
I looked at Wes and he chuckled. Now I needed to add something else to my Saturday to-do list. I told Nicki we’d try to go after we finished shopping for her parents in the morning. We could have lunch at the mall and afterward go to the hotel. She invited Wes to join us. He was thrilled but not excited enough to shop. We made plans, while we drove back to my condo, to meet him at the Gaylord. He dropped us off in time for Nicki to get a bath and go to bed.
There were two things I needed to do before I turned in for the night. First, discard the rose Jim delivered on Monday. I lifted the bud vase from my coffee table and plodded into the kitchen. When I pulled the flower out of its vase, I brought the fragrant petals to my nose. No more roses. No more Blake. After a couple of minutes holding the flower close to my heart, I tossed it into the trash. I’m no longer his one-and-only.
I shuffled to my bedroom and used my laptop to prepare my resignation letter. I couldn’t stay at BCH after what he said and did today, especially if he married Eliza.
~
On Saturday morning, three days before Christmas, Nicki and I attempted the impossible. We drove to Opry Mills Mall. Traffic slowed on Briley Parkway, and the exit ramp was bumper to bumper. Finding a parking spot was worse. Nicki jumped up and down when we entered the mall. She enjoyed the kiosks the best, especially the toy helicopter circling above her head. We fought our way through the crowd. Thankfully, Nicki didn’t complain. She persisted in finding the perfect gifts for Jenny and Carl. She also insisted on a Santa hat for Mr. Wes. He was thrilled when she gave it to him that afternoon. He wore it while we toured the Gaylord Opryland.
We entered the Delta Atrium of the Gaylord—an indoor village of shops, restaurants, plants, trees, fountains, and a winding stream beneath a glass roof. We were greeted with festive lights aglow, decorations of all sizes and shapes, and the Delta Riverboat. Nicki loved the large candy canes and snowmen. There were crowds everywhere enjoying the lights and Christmas music.
We made our way to the Cascades Atrium—an indoor garden complete with a fishpond and a gushing waterfall. Poinsettias galore added to the beauty. Nicki was in awe of the koi. We were enjoying the fish when Nicki broke loose of my hand.
“Nicki, come back.” With Wes on my heels, I hurried after her. She ran farther away from me toward the waterfall. I halted and watched as Blake got down on his knees to catch her in his arms. She smothered him with kisses and hugged his neck. He picked her up and held her close before he turned in my direction. Behind him stood Eliza glaring at me with cold, dark eyes.
I trudged toward them but kept my focus on Nicki. “She sprinted all the way to you.” I patted her on the back. “Sweetie, you need to come with Nana now. Mr. Blake is busy.” When I placed both hands near her waist to remove her from Blake’s arms, she buried her face into his neck. I eyed Blake staring at me.
Eliza, wearing a scowl, crossed her arms and let out a loud breath. “Who is this adorable child?”
Blake’s eyes narrowed and he glared at Eliza. “There’s an available bench over there.” He pointed in the direction of the bench. “Go save us a seat.”
She remained behind him. Couldn’t blame her with me, the former rival, in her space.
Blake’s eyes softened when he peered at me. “Eliza’s niece just finished singing a solo with her school choir. We came to support her.”
“Nice.” I pulled at Nicki’s waist again. “Mr. Blake’s busy. We need to go.”
“Nicki’s no bother. I’m happy to see her and happy she still enjoys seeing me.” He stared past me. “You’re here with Wes?”
I nodded and looked at Nicki. “Come Nicki. We need to finish up and get you home soon.” This time she reached for me, and I put her down on the walkway.
She took my hand and gazed up at Blake. “Bye, Papa. I love you.”
I peeked at Eliza. She glowered back at me. Evil personified. A chill ran down my spine.
Nicki and I turned toward Wes. When I glanced at her, she twisted her body toward Blake and threw him a kiss. Of all the people living in the Nashville area what was the chance I’d run into him? Why God?
Wes took my free hand. “Are you okay?”
Not at all. “Can we leave? I don’t want to run into them again.”
On our way back we stopped for ice cream. After we finished our treat, Nicki asked if we could ride the riverboat.
“Are you up for it?” Wes whispered in my ear.
“If the line’s not too long.”
We took the stairs down to the boarding area. Nicki tried to let go of my hand, but I held tight. I followed her gaze and saw Blake and Eliza in line. One couple would be between us. A strong possibility we’d be in the same boat. Since we were still several feet away from them, I put my arm in front of Wes and gave a nod in their direction.
Wes stopped. “Maybe we can do this another time.”
I gazed at Nicki. “Another day, sweetie. We need to leave now.”
She whined and Blake turned toward us. I spun toward the walkway and pulled Nicki behind me. Wes reached down and picked up a wiggly six-year-old who insisted on winning this battle. She lost. He carried her over to a fountain converted into a huge decorated Christmas tree and sat her down. He offered her a few coins to throw into the winding riverboat stream. She pouted but agreed. We followed her to the water’s edge.
I turned to Wes. “Great diversion. You must have experience with grandchildren.” He embraced me and smacked me with a kiss. I stepped back with wide eyes.
He put his lips close to my ear. “I saw Terri from Legal and thought it might help to counter the rumors.”
“Thanks.” I think.
I glanced over my shoulder to check on Nicki. She held a coin out in front of her and closed her eyes. When she snapped open her eyes, she giggled and tossed the coin into the water.
Wes touched my shoulder. “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you allow Blake to hurt you over and over? He doesn’t deserve you or your love. I’d treat you as a gift from God.”
I scanned the area to see if Terri was nearby. Did he lie to me about her, too, so he could kiss me? I focused on Wes. “Do we deserve anyone’s love? Do we deserve God’s? He gives His freely. Am I to hold back mine from Blake because he’s not living the way I think he should? That’s not how God works.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Wes. I’m in love with Blake.” Wes flinched and the color drained from his face.
He looked over at Nicki and called her name. “I’m leaving now. Merry Christmas.”
She waved goodbye and turned to me. “Can we go see Papa Blake again?”
Chapter 14
A
fter church on Sunday I drove to Jenny’s for lunch.
She treated me as if I were a piece of fine china—delicate and breakable. She held my elbow and strolled alongside of me to the dining room table. She fussed over me and told me I didn’t look well.
How should I look? Broken? Hurt? That’s me. I couldn’t find relief from my nausea. I’d lost Blake and now my friend, Wes, whom I hurt again. I must be a terrible person.
When Nicki saw me, she ran over and hugged me. “I didn’t hear you come in. Where’s Papa Blake? Will he be here later?”
I didn’t need this today. When I saw him at the hotel, his only concern was for Nicki. None for me whatsoever. I accepted we were done. Nicki needed to understand too. I spoke in a harsh tone. “I told you before. He’s not your grandpa.”
“You’re mad at me.” Tears fell down her cheeks.
I didn’t know how she could turn them on so quickly.
“Why don’t you believe me? Don’t you like him?”
Jenny understood my exasperation even if Nicki didn’t. “Go pick up your toys. We can talk about this later.”
Nicki scurried off muttering to herself.
Jenny called her back. “Young lady. Are you sassing your mother?”
“No, Mama. I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Jesus. I asked Him to help Nana believe Papa Blake is my papa.” She scampered down the hallway and into her room humming a Veggie Tales song.
I sighed. “Let her go.” I held my forehead. “She’s adamant about this. I don’t get it, but apparently she does.”
“Let’s eat. I’ll put her down for her quiet time, and we can talk without interruption. I have an idea to bounce off you. I think you’ll need to take a step of faith, but it might open Blake’s heart all the way to God.”
“I’m intrigued.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her Blake and I were finished. To tell her now would hold up our meal, and she and Carl had everything ready.
Lunch was flavorless—what little I ate. But it was good to spend the afternoon with family. Jenny shared old memories of her college friends. Made me laugh. Laughter does do us good. Medicine for the soul.
We also shared memories that caused me to miss Sam. I told Nicki, “You loved to climb into Grandpa Sam’s lap and comb his hair. He’d tear up because your mama would get in his lap, too, and comb his hair when she was a little girl.”
After Jenny put Nicki down to rest, and I cleaned up the kitchen, Jenny and I retired to the living room. I sat on the sofa and she in her favorite chair. Carl excused himself to the bonus room to wrap Christmas gifts.
Jenny questioned me concerning my prayers and asked if I’d sensed the Lord directing me to marry Blake. I shared with her that Wes preached to Blake on Friday afternoon and Blake’s response.
She gaped at me and touched the base of her neck. “Marry Eliza after one week?” She shook her head. “That’s crazy.”
“What’s your idea?”
