The One to Hold Your Hand, page 19
“I would love that,” she answered breathlessly.
A wide smile spread onto Reese’s face as she picked Bette up and carried her across the room, throwing her onto the bed forcefully, yet carefully. Reese lay comfortably with her head propped up against a pillow before Bette straddled her face. Feeling Reese’s hot breath against her center made her wonder how long she would last. She figured it wouldn’t be long, so she wanted to make the most of the time she had.
She started out by slowly grinding against Reese’s face, but couldn’t keep up the slow motion when Reese’s tongue came up and ran across her, making her whole body desperate for more. She grabbed onto Reese’s hair to force her tongue deeper inside and picked up her movements. The more Reese worked her tongue, the faster Bette moved against her until she couldn’t even comprehend what was happening anymore. All she could feel was the racing of her heart and the orgasm that was building, starting at her center and quickly making its way through her whole body until she lost all control, thrashing against Reese’s face one more time before collapsing onto the bed.
She rolled off of Reese and lay on her side facing her so she could focus on her. Any energy she had just lost was regained as she watched Reese wiping at her mouth as she smiled contently. She motioned toward Reese’s completely clothed body. “I’m going to need you to take all of that off, so I can do the same to you.”
“Really?” Reese asked excitedly before jumping from the bed to quickly remove all layers of clothes.
Bette smirked and situated herself on the bed in the exact same way Reese had just moments before. “Really.”
***
Three orgasms later, they both lay on the bed basking in their shared post-sex bliss. Even though Bette kind of figured this would end up happening when she was invited to come along on the road trip, it still felt surprising somehow. Surprising in the best way possible though.
She stared at Reese, unsure what to say, in fear that words might ruin the moment. One thing she had learned about Reese was that you always had to tread lightly with her as one wrong confession could cause her to shut off completely.
Luckily, it was Reese who spoke first, saving her from having to worry about saying the wrong thing. “So, you know how they say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?” Bette nodded her head slowly, having no idea where Reese was going with this. “Well, I don’t want this to stay in Vegas. I want more of this. More of us. And I don’t just want it now. I don’t just want it for this road trip.”
“So, what you’re saying is—”
Reese cut her off by shaking her head. “I don’t want to ruin this moment or this trip with words or definitions or making this more complicated than it has to be. I just want you to know that once we get back, and, you know, have to be adults and shit like that, I’m ready to finally talk about what all of this means. I’m ready to figure out what a future looks like. You know, like a future together.”
Bette’s heart felt full from Reese’s words. They were the words she hadn’t realized she had been waiting forever to hear and now she wanted to hear more. She wanted the definitions. She wanted the promises. Damn, she wanted the complications if that's what came along with all of this. She wanted a future with Reese, and she really hoped that was the direction they were heading in.
Although that certainly seemed to be the direction this was taking, there was a part of her that couldn’t help but worry. Every time she and Reese got closer to becoming more, there was always something that ended up standing in their way. She wondered if that was about to happen again. Were things really as wonderful as they seemed or was she setting herself up to be let down again?
She didn’t want to think about that right now, because Reese was right. This was their last summer to act like kids before being thrown into the real world. Why complicate things now? Why not just enjoy themselves before they faced a future filled with so many unknowns?
That was exactly what she was going to do. She was going to take full advantage of the rest of this trip and the time she had with Reese and not get bogged down by the thoughts of what was yet to come. Whether it ended up being good or bad, one thing was for sure—this trip was sure to be one of the greatest times of her life, and she wouldn’t let anything stand in the way of that.
Chapter 17
Reese let her mind get swept away with the memories from their trip. She lay her head against the window and watched the landscape pass by as the last leg of their trip came to an end. Every part of it had been amazing. Dancing the nights away in West Hollywood. Holding Bette’s hand as they explored Albuquerque. Competing with Rachel over who could fake a better southern accent in Texas. Drinking in New Orleans. Acting like kids at Disney World. Watching Bette in her bathing suit as they made their way up the East Coast. It had all been so perfect. So much so that the normally cynical Reese started to believe that maybe life could stay this way. Maybe the magic didn’t have to end just because they were coming back home.
Unfortunately, life always seemed to find a way to shit on you just when you started to believe that it could actually be fair. A week after their road trip ended, it was about to shit on her in the worst way possible.
It should have been just a normal appointment. One that should have gone the same way all of the others did over the past few years. The doctors did a few tests and confirmed that the cancer was still gone. Only, when Rachel’s lifelong doctor called the whole family into his office, Reese knew it wasn’t going to be good. Still, nothing prepared her to hear his words.
“So, I hate to have to tell you this, especially after all this time and all of the good news we’ve had these past few years, but the cancer is back.” He shook his head and ran a hand along his forehead as he stared down at the paperwork in front of him. “And I’m afraid it’s worse than before. It seems to have spread, and if I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure what to expect from here. We’re going to fight this like crazy just like we have in the past, but I think we all need to be prepared. Prepared for whatever there is to come.”
Reese didn’t even want to consider what he was telling them to be prepared for. She refused to think about that. She wouldn’t think about that. All she wanted to think about was what they did next and how she could be there for Rachel.
“So, what’s the plan?” Reese asked when they were back at home in their bedroom.
Rachel gave her a look as though she was completely crazy. “Your plan is the same as it’s always been. You’re going to move into that apartment a half hour from here and start the job you’ve been talking about all summer. I’m going to do as the doctor said and fight like hell to beat this again, while at the same time living my life as completely and fully as I can.”
Reese shook her head emphatically. “I’m not doing that. There’s no way I’m living the life that we always talked about without you.”
“Well, you don’t have a choice because I’m telling you that’s what you’re doing. Who knows. It could be my dying wish.”
“Don’t say that! It’s not funny.”
“I never said it was.” Rachel stared at her, and her eyes were sad, yet content. “Yet, it could be reality, Reese. I’m not going to let you stop living your life just because I can’t. Would you ever let me give me up my dreams for you?”
Reese opened her mouth to argue, then crossed her arms. That was an unfair question. Of course she wouldn’t. But that was different. I mean, it was, wasn’t it? “Well, no, but it’s not the same.”
“And why is that? Because I have cancer? You’ve already given up so much for me. You gave up most of your childhood, your dream school, and your dream of playing soccer. I let it be because you’re a stubborn asshole, and I knew I couldn’t change your mind, but I’m finally putting my foot down. I won’t let you give up your dream job, too. A job that you also chose because of me, come to think of it, and that’s pretty damn sweet. Just like I’ve always needed you, there are other families out there that need you, and I know you’re going to make a huge difference in their lives as well.”
Reese looked away, trying to keep the tears from falling. When she couldn’t stop them, she continued to stare at the wall so Rachel wouldn’t notice. She didn’t want to do anything that would add to her stress. She blinked, but the tears wouldn’t stop. There was no way to stop them now.
“You don’t always have to be the strong one, you know.”
Rachel’s words caused her to look over against her will. She quickly rubbed at her eyes to try to hide the tears, but she knew it was useless at that point. She had already been caught.
“I mean it, Reese. I know you think you have to be strong for me, but the reality is that this sucks for everyone.” Rachel patted the spot next to her on her bed, and when Reese reluctantly sat down beside her, she draped an arm over her shoulder and pulled her close. “Let me be here for you for once.”
Reese leaned into her sister and finally broke, letting herself cry without trying to fight it. As she cried, she enjoyed the feeling of her sister’s strong arm protecting her. She reveled in that strength, the resilience she always carried with her. It was one of the many things she admired about her.
“How are you so strong?” Reese asked between sniffles. “Aren’t you scared?”
Rachel laughed softly as if this was a ridiculous question, and maybe it was, but Reese still had to know. “I’m scared shitless. But for me, the fear isn’t so much of dying. My fear has always been not living enough. Not seeing enough. Not kissing enough. Not living each and every day to the fullest. But I’d say I’ve done a pretty good job of that, wouldn’t you?”
Reese had to laugh through her tears now too. “You do that better than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Exactly, and now I need you to do the same for me. Live the life that I might not ever be able to. You owe that to both of us.”
How was Reese supposed to argue with that? The reality was she couldn’t. No matter how much she wanted to fight it, she knew Rachel was right. “Fine, but I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll fight this. Please.”
“Oh, I’m going to fight like hell. Don’t you worry about that. But while I fight, I’m also going to live, and you’re going to do the same.”
“I will. I promise.”
Even as she made that promise, she knew she wasn’t going to do as good at keeping up her end of the bargain as her sister was. She would give up anything for Rachel. Even if it was her own happiness. Even if that wasn’t what Rachel wanted from her.
The reality of just how true that was hit her when her phone buzzed, and she saw it was a text from Bette. Bette, who she had promised to talk to once they were back from their trip about what the future looked like for the two of them. Only now, she couldn’t even contemplate that. There was too much other crap to worry about. How could she ever be expected to balance work, living a half hour from home, being there for Rachel, and a relationship? It was all too much. But how could she do that to Bette? She wanted Bette. She needed her more than ever, but she also couldn’t afford to lose her. Not now. Not with all of this going on. It sounded so selfish as she said it in her head, but she couldn’t help it.
She used a shaky hand to open the text, and her stomach awashed with guilt as she read the words. Want to get ice cream so we can talk?
She did want that, but this talk wasn’t going to go anything like Bette expected, and that killed her. As she had this thought, another text came through from Bette. About Rachel and the news you guys just got. I’m here for you.
She barely finished reading that text when another one came through. I’ll be the one to hold your hand <3.
Of course Bette knew about Rachel, and of course that’s what Bette wanted to talk to her about. That’s the kind of person Bette was. She always put her own feelings aside to be there for Reese. And even though she knew it was selfish to expect her to do that, she was thankful for it at that moment. That was exactly what she needed from Bette right now.
Ice cream sounds great right now. Just give me a little bit. Rachel and I are talking.
Take all the time you need.
Reese wondered if there was more to that text than just the here and now. Was Bette trying to tell her something? And if she was, just how long would she actually be willing to wait for her? That was the question that both plagued and terrified her.
***
Bette tapped on her steering wheel nervously as she drove to pick up Reese to get ice cream. She had no idea what to expect when she got there. She didn’t know if she would see the more vulnerable side of Reese or if she had already put her walls back up and was going to try to shut her out.
She also knew she needed to show her support to Rachel, and she was having trouble wrapping her head around that. Things had changed so quickly. Just a week ago, they were finishing up their road trip. A road trip where Rachel was so full of life. So free. She didn’t believe it when her parents told her that the cancer came back even worse than before. How was that possible? She seemed so healthy. What did you even say to someone in this situation? Sorry was so lame. Sorry didn’t even begin to cover how she felt. She was completely heartbroken. Reese had obviously always held a special place in her heart, but Rachel was one of her best friends as well. The thought of losing her was terrifying.
These thoughts carried her all the way to the James’ driveway, where she sat for a minute before turning off her car and heading up the long sidewalk. Seconds after ringing the doorbell, Mrs. James opened the door. She had a smile on her face, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Her eyes looked sad and tired, and Bette could tell from the rings around them that she had been crying.
“How are you, sweetie?” Mrs. James asked as she pulled Bette into a tight hug.
“I’m doing well. I would ask how you’re doing, but that’s kind of a dumb question, isn’t it?”
“We’re hanging in there. Doing as well as could be expected.” Mrs. James nodded her head toward the stairs. “The girls are up in their room. They’ll both be happy to see you.”
Before she could walk away, Mrs. James took hold of her hand. “Thank you for always being there for those two. They are very lucky to have a friend like you. I honestly am not sure how any of us would have gotten through all of these ups and downs without you and your family.”
Now Bette had to walk away. She was about to cry and didn’t want to do that in front of Mrs. James. Instead, she took a deep breath and headed up to Rachel and Reese’s room, knocking once before letting herself in. Both Reese and Rachel looked over at her with red-rimmed eyes that caused a sick feeling to settle right in her gut. It was so unusual to see the two of them this way, especially after spending a month and a half with them that was filled with nothing but smiles and laughter. It was absolutely heartbreaking, and she had to blink back her own tears.
Reese stood from the bed and walked over to where Bette stood by the door. She squeezed Bette’s hand gently, then placed a light kiss on her cheek that made a completely different feeling zap through her stomach. “I’ll give you guys a chance to talk. I’m going to go to the bathroom and freshen up.” She placed one more kiss on Bette’s cheek before slipping out the door.
“Would it be dumb of me to ask how you’re doing?” Bette asked Rachel as she sat down beside her on her bed.
“I’m going to be honest with you in a way that I can’t be with my family because I don’t think any of them can handle it. I’m actually doing alright. Don’t get me wrong, this news totally blows, but I think I always kind of expected it. I’ve accepted it at this point. In a way, I see my cancer as a blessing more than a curse. I’ve lived more in twenty-two years than most people do in their entire lifetime, and I don’t think I’d be able to say that if it wasn’t for the cancer.”
Bette’s heart warmed with admiration for Rachel. She didn’t know how she was always able to put a positive spin on absolutely everything, but it never ceased to amaze her. “I love that outlook. I think it’s awesome how optimistic you always are. I really look up to you for that. I always have.”
“I appreciate that, but don’t let me fool you into thinking this means I’m not scared shitless,” Rachel said with a laugh. “Because I totally am. I just don’t think I’m the person you need to worry about.”
Rachel’s eyes went to the door that Reese had left through moments before, and Bette knew exactly what she was getting at. Reese was the one she always worried about. The more Reese tried to convince everyone that there was nothing to worry about, the more Bette worried. Because she knew the truth. The more okay Reese pretended to be, the less okay she actually was.
“Listen,” Rachel spoke again, her voice sounding more serious this time. “I love my sister, but she’s an idiot. When bad stuff happens, she makes stupid decisions. I saw the way you two were together on our trip. Please don’t let her pull away from you.”
Bette really wasn’t sure if she had much control over that. When Reese made up her mind about something, she was hardheaded. There really wasn’t any changing it. As much as she didn’t want Reese to pull away, she didn’t think it was her choice to make.
“Hope you guys weren’t talking about me,” Reese joked as she walked back into the room, sounding completely clueless to the fact that they actually had been.
Rachel scoffed. “Don’t flatter yourself. You two have fun on your ice cream date.”
“Sure you don’t want to come?” Bette asked, feeling guilty about leaving Rachel out.
“Absolutely not. I was the third wheel for our whole trip. I don’t need to third wheel it for ice cream, too.” Her voice was light so Bette knew she was kidding, but she still appreciated Rachel giving them some time alone.
“So, I’m going to be honest, I don’t really have an appetite,” Reese said as the two of them got into Bette’s car. “I won’t be getting any ice cream, but I can come with you.”
