The One to Hold Your Hand, page 12
“What’s the name of the guy that Bette’s going to prom with? He’s hot.”
“That’s Justin. They grew up together, so they’re just going as friends. I’m sure she would be happy for you to take him off her hands.” When he asked her, Bette initially said no, but Reese convinced her to go with him so people wouldn’t be suspicious. That didn’t stop her from reminding him at least fifty times that they were going strictly as friends, and nothing would be happening between them.
“Her loss is my gain,” Rachel said before skipping out of their room, stopping only momentarily to place a kiss on their mom’s cheek.
Reese went to follow her but was stopped by her mom putting a hand on her shoulder. “Please keep an eye on your sister tonight. I’m not as naive as the Mitchells to actually believe kids won’t be sneaking alcohol into their house. Your sister isn’t nearly as indestructible as she seems to think she is.”
Reese simply nodded in response. She knew the truth. It wasn’t that her sister thought she was indestructible. It was that she was convinced her time was limited so she wasn’t worried about being safe. She heard her say multiple times if this doesn’t kill me, the cancer will, but she wasn’t going to share that with her mom.
“I’m serious, Reese.”
“I know, Mom. You don’t have to worry. I’ll make sure she doesn’t do anything too stupid. She at least won’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” She flashed her mom a toothy grin.
“I know. I’m sorry.” She pulled Reese into a hug and gave her a kiss on her forehead. “Thank you for not making my life any harder. It’s nice to know I don’t have to worry about you.”
There it was again. That pressure to be perfect. The very thing that kept her from shouting about her relationship with Bette from the rooftop.
Her mom’s words brought a sick feeling to her gut, which remained there throughout the drive to Bette’s house. She still felt it when she walked inside and was greeted by Mrs. Mitchell, who told them that Bette was upstairs changing out of her prom dress and would be back down shortly. When Rachel became distracted by the male population present at the house, Reese slipped away and snuck up to Bette’s room.
When she opened the door, she felt like all of the wind had been knocked out of her. Bette hadn’t been lying about how form fitting the dress was. The long green dress hugged all of her curves perfectly, and it suddenly hit Reese just how ready she was to have sex with her. Why had she ever thought waiting made any sense at all? At that moment, she couldn’t figure it out. Then again, she certainly wasn’t thinking with her head right now.
She wrapped her arms around Bette’s waist and dug her fingers into her sides, relishing in the chills that touch sent down her spine. “First of all, I just want you to know that you are positively breathtaking. I’m also wondering if there’s anywhere we could sneak off to be alone tonight.”
“Tonight isn’t supposed to be spent sneaking around. It’s supposed to be about actually…” Bette’s words trailed off as her eyes met Reese’s. Reese could tell by the way her pupils dilated that Bette had caught the desire in her own eyes. “Oh. Oh my God. Yes. I would love to find a way to be alone tonight. There’s vodka and wine coolers up in the tree house. Once my parents are asleep and everyone else is buzzed or drunk, we’ll come back up here.” Bette pushed a finger into Reese’s chest. “But no more than one wine cooler for you. If this is really happening tonight, I want us both to be completely with it.”
“The only thing I’m planning on getting drunk on tonight is you.” Reese ran her eyes up and down Bette’s body, her own body heating up as she imagined that same body without any clothes on. “I could help you out of your dress right now if you want.”
Bette laughed and playfully pushed Reese away. “We’ll never leave if you do that. Go down and check on your sister. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
It didn’t take long for Reese to find Rachel, surrounded by a bunch of guys as she animatedly told a story. Since her sister was clearly preoccupied, she took that opportunity to go into the tree house and pour her one wine cooler of the night into a cup. Soon, Bette joined her, and they spent the next few hours hanging out with her friends, who were surprisingly accepting of her friend from their rival school. Once everyone had either left with a sober friend or found somewhere to pass out, Bette gave Reese the look that told her it was time.
Reese couldn’t believe this was really happening. She was about to have sex with Bette. She felt like she was floating outside of her own body and watching the scene play out in front of her as they lay flat on Bette’s bed and began to kiss. The kisses felt different than usual. They were slower and deeper, and if Reese’s mouth hadn’t been so preoccupied, she probably would have uttered the three words that were on the tip of her tongue. The expression of feelings she had no doubt that she felt at this point. As the kissing continued, Reese found the confidence to crawl on top of Bette. She pushed their bodies together, and even though there were still layers of clothes separating them, she couldn’t help the low groan that escaped her throat.
Not wanting to waste anymore time, she brought her hand to the bottom of Bette’s shirt and lifted it over her head, licking her lips as she took in her athletic body. Bette did the same to her, and then Reese moved on to her pants. She slowly pulled them down her legs, trying to take in every single piece of her. Seeing Bette in just her bra and underwear had her way too turned on, and she didn’t even wait for Bette to make the next move before she removed Bette’s underwear.
She was surprised when she felt Bette’s hands on hers, asking her to stop. “Wait,” Bette said softly, suddenly looking so unsure. “This is a big deal, Reese. I can’t keep going unless I know you’re all in. I need us to stop being a secret.”
Reese quickly sat up, barely believing that this was the turn the night had taken. She quickly shook her head. “No. I told you to be patient with me. It will happen eventually, but I can’t right now, Bette.”
Bette sat up straight, her posture showing just how closed off she suddenly was. “Then I can’t do this.”
“You can’t have sex with me until I’m ready to tell people about us?”
Bette looked down and picked at something on the bed. “No. I can’t do us if you aren’t ready to tell people.”
Suddenly, the walls seemed to close in around her, and Reese felt like she couldn’t breathe. Like she might hyperventilate. “But… I… I’m…” Tell her you’re in love with her, Reese thought to herself, but she couldn’t get the words to come out.
“I’m sorry, Reese. The whole time I was at prom, all I could think about was how much better it would be if you were there. Then you came here, and watching you interact with my friends made me want that even more. I want to be able to hold your hand in public. I want to dance with you and not care who sees. I’m not even saying it has to be now. I’m just saying that I need you to be able to promise me that it’s going to be sooner rather than later.”
Reese wanted to do that. It would have been so easy to tell Bette that and get back to what they had been doing just a minute ago, but she couldn’t lie. Not to Bette. She wouldn’t do that. “I… I can’t.”
Tears came to Bette’s eyes. Reese felt like her heart was being ripped in half. She couldn’t stand to see that and know that she had done it.
“Why? What are you waiting for?” Bette asked.
Reese threw her hands in the air, tears now streaming down her face as well. “I don’t know. For life to be easier? For Rachel’s cancer to be gone?” For the time when my parents no longer depend on me to make their lives easier.
“Reese, there’s no way to know if…” Bette’s voice trailed off. She shook her head in frustration. “You can’t wait for things to be perfect. It’s never going to happen.”
“So, what? You’re done with me?”
“This isn’t what I want. I feel like I don’t have any other choice.”
Reese threw both hands in the air, the cracking of her heart causing all of her walls to come up. “Fine then! I guess that’s it.”
“I guess it is,” Bette said softly. She stood from the bed and pulled her shirt and pants back on. She took one last look at Reese before walking out of the room, leaving Reese with nothing but her broken heart.
***
Reese felt like an empty shell of a human being even one month later. She thought things were supposed to get easier with time, but her heartbreak only seemed to get worse. She wished Bette could understand why she couldn’t be honest about them. Out of everyone in this world, she really thought Bette would be the one to understand, and the fact that she wasn’t made it all that much more heartbreaking.
The end of her junior year had come and gone, and now she had to endure a summer alone. The summer that she thought was going to be the best of her life was suddenly filled with nothing but dread. To make matters worse, her sister had become even more sick in the past month. Her chemotherapy treatments were becoming more frequent, and her hair started to thin. Reese had to be her sister’s rock while her own rock wasn’t talking to her.
As if that wasn’t all bad enough, her mom somehow convinced her to take the son of her old college friend to lunch since they were new to the area, and he spent the whole meal shamelessly flirting with her.
By the time she got home, she was exhausted from blowing off his advances and annoyed to see that he had already taken advantage of texting her after she gave him her number for the sheer purpose of shutting him up.
“How was lunch with Declan?” her mom asked a bit too excitedly.
“It was good,” she lied, faking a smile to make her mom happy.
“That’s good. Declan seems to be a very nice boy and awfully cute. Don’t you think?”
“He’s definitely cute.” It wasn’t a lie. He was objectively very good looking. If she wasn’t caught up on someone else, and possibly only interested in girls, his looks probably would have drawn her attention more.
Her mom’s face lit up as if Reese had just given her the greatest news in the world. “That’s wonderful. His mother and I just knew you two would hit it off, especially given your shared love of soccer.”
Was her mom really trying to set her up with this guy? Even more confusing was the fact that it seemed to make her so happy. As her mom beamed at her, her phone went off with another text from Declan. All I’m looking for is a little bit of fun this summer. You seem like you could use some of that.
Fun was exactly what Reese needed. She also needed life to just be easy for once. Declan seemed to be the definition of easy. Reese hated the fact that she was so desperate for this sense of ease that she was actually considering something she never should have.
Chapter 11: End of Summer
17 years old
The summer leading up to her senior year was officially the worst summer of Bette’s whole life. She wasn’t sure why, but she truly thought giving Reese an ultimatum would make her come around to the idea of finally telling people about them. Instead, they hadn’t spoken since prom night. This was exactly what she had been worried about at the beginning of their relationship—not only losing the person she had fallen hard for, but also losing her best friend. She wasn’t sure how they would come back from this; how they could possibly ever reestablish some type of friendship. They would be forced into having something. Their families weren’t going to stop spending time together, especially when they had no idea what happened. But were they destined to awkward fake niceties for the rest of their lives? Bette wasn’t sure how she was ever going to handle that.
The worst part of it all was how much she worried about Reese. Between the few texts she and Rachel had sent and some things her parents had said, she had a feeling Rachel’s health was getting even worse. Rachel seemed to be able to handle it just fine, but she knew Reese wouldn’t be able to. Sure, she would act okay on the outside, but Bette was sure it was killing her on the inside, and she wanted nothing more than to be the person to comfort her. She wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. That was no longer her place though. She had given that up in favor of her stupid pride.
At least, that’s what it felt like now. She fought with herself all summer over whether or not it was stupid of her to break up with Reese over the fact that she wasn’t willing to come out about their relationship. Some days it felt like the worst decision of her life, and other days, she convinced herself there was no other choice. What were they supposed to do? Spend years in a secret relationship? Share nothing but stolen kisses and hidden moments? That didn’t seem like a relationship at all. It sounded like torture. But it still couldn’t have been as much torture as not being together. Because that hurt. It hurt so freaking bad.
It hurt even worse than her legs did after a week of two-a-days, which were now starting. Bette tried not to cry as she headed to her first field hockey practice of the day for what was set to be a grueling two weeks. It wasn’t the hard work she dreaded though. It was being forced to put a smile on her face and act like everything was okay. Spending time with people this summer was exhausting, but luckily she kept it to mostly her five closest friends.
She was reminded how nice it was to only spend time with a handful of people when she pulled up to the school and saw Idell watching her with a wide grin on her face. Idell was one of the people she had been lucky to avoid all summer, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to handle her now. She was sure she had some big news to share about something juicy that had happened over the summer—a girl from their class losing her virginity; a guy thinking he could get away with dating two girls at once only to inevitably be caught and dumped by both of them. Who knew. It was definitely something though or else she wouldn’t have looked so happy.
“Hey, Idell,” Bette said as excitedly as possible as she walked with her field hockey equipment over to the field.
Idell met her halfway and put an arm around her while they walked. “Hey, buddy. Have a good summer?” Oh yeah. She definitely had something to share, and eight o’clock was way too early for that.
“It was fine,” she answered shortly, hoping maybe Idell would get the point and leave her alone.
Of course that wasn’t going to be the case though. When Idell had something to say, she said it. “My cousin moved to the area this summer. He’s a senior like us, but he’s going to Middlegrove because his mom got a job there as a school counselor. It turns out, he had a very good summer.” Where the hell was she going with this? It must have been a pretty boring summer if Idell was stuck on talking about her cousin who didn’t even go to their school. “You probably know all about it though, don’t you?”
This got Bette’s attention. She snapped her head toward Idell to give her an inquisitive look. Why the hell would she know anything about Idell’s cousin? “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“That’s strange. I thought Reese James was your best friend. I could have sworn she would have filled you in on everything they got up to this summer. Although, maybe she didn’t want to talk about it since apparently she’s a really lame lay.”
Lame lay? What the…? Did that mean…? No, it couldn’t. The thought still didn’t stop Bette from feeling like she was about to lose the little bit of breakfast she had eaten. “I think you’re getting her confused with someone else.”
“Star forward for Middlegrove? Scored the winning goal to beat our girls at districts? I don’t think there’s too many people who fit that description.” The smile on Idell’s face was enough for Bette to want to slap it right off of her. “It’s strange though. I felt like you guys had been hanging out a lot at the end of the school year, then suddenly it stops, and she’s all over my cousin.”
Bette swallowed down the bile that rose in her throat. This wasn’t the first time that Idell had alluded to her being gay. She started making comments whenever she saw her and Reese talking at a sporting event between their two schools, which only proved how much she watched for those types of things since Reese had made sure that almost never happened. Bette ignored her comments because no one else seemed to be interested in what Idell was possibly hinting at with her snide remarks, and frankly, she had been way too happy at the time to care.
She couldn’t ignore it now though. It didn’t take much to put the pieces together. Not only had Reese moved on over the summer, but she had moved on enough to have sex with someone else. Her mind flashed to all of those times Reese had been lying beside her, looking at her in a way no one else ever had, and telling her how she couldn’t wait to share their first time together.
That was all over now. There was no hope of it ever happening. She knew that ship had sailed when she ended things on prom night, but she never believed it would be this easy for Reese to move on from her. Had it all been a lie? Maybe their first kiss made Reese think she had to give it a try with Bette to try to salvage their friendship. Maybe she felt like she had been forced into being gay and that’s why she didn’t want to come out. It didn’t feel that way though. Eyes didn’t lie, and the way Reese looked at her told her everything she needed to know. The fact of the matter was that Bette broke up with her, and Reese found someone else. There was no reason to bring sexuality into this. It didn’t matter who it was with. It still hurt like hell. That expression had never made more sense than in that moment when she felt like her whole body was on fire. Like she was being burnt alive, and Idell was just standing there watching her being burnt to a crisp, somehow enjoying the show. Bitch.
“Looks like we’re getting ready to start,” Bette said and slipped out of Idell’s grip. She made her way onto the field, all the while doing everything she could to stop herself from breaking down into tears.
It turned out, it took even more effort to keep herself from crying throughout practice than all of the drills her coach had them doing.
