The One to Hold Your Hand, page 15
Unfortunately, Reese knew her too well, and before Bette could even begin to get herself back in the mood, Reese pulled away and sat up against the edge of the couch. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
The obvious concern in her voice made Bette feel even more guilty. Was she really going to be responsible for ruining this for them for the second year in a row? She shook her head and moved away. She hugged her knees to her chest as she sat on the opposite end of the couch. “It’s really dumb and super unfair to you. I’m embarrassed to even say it.”
Reese scooted closer to Bette and grabbed her hand, gently rubbing her thumb along it as she looked into Bette’s eyes in the way that only Reese could. The way that made her feel completely exposed and vulnerable, but in the best way possible. “Is this about the fact that I’ve already had my first time?”
“H-how did you know that?” Bette asked so quietly that she wasn’t even sure if Reese could hear her question.
Reese squeezed her hand in a way that told her she had heard her loud and clear, and when Bette looked into her eyes, she could have sworn that she was trying not to cry. “Because it sucks for me too. I regretted it as soon as it happened, but every time you and I start to get intimate, I regret it even more. I hate that I wasted my first time on someone like that.” She shook her head. “No. Even if he was super nice, I would still regret it. I would regret that it wasn’t with you. I think I always will.”
“You shouldn’t have to though,” Bette answered quickly. She hated that she was making Reese feel this way. Reese didn’t betray her. She never cheated on her. She did something that she had every right to do since they weren’t together at the time. “Last summer was really hard for you, and it’s not fair for me to make you feel even worse about it.”
Instead of responding, Reese looked away from Bette and stared into space. She kept ahold of Bette’s hand and continued to run a thumb along her knuckles, keeping them connected even though they currently felt miles apart.
“So, what now?” Bette asked when she could no longer stand the silence. She held her breath after asking, afraid to hear the answer.
“I don’t think we’re in the right place to keep going where we were clearly headed, which means, we only really have one choice.”
Bette watched in horror as Reese stood from the couch and grabbed her shirt, then swiftly put it back over her head. She really did it. She ruined another prom night.
She was about to open her mouth to beg her to stay, when Reese grabbed the controller she had thrown and waved it in the air. “We’re going to stay awake until we beat this whole game.” She sat back down on the couch as if nothing had happened, and Bette stared at her with mouth agape. How the hell did she do that? Reese caught her staring and lifted an eyebrow at her. “You don’t believe we can do it?”
Bette scoffed. “Obviously I know we can beat the game. I’m just surprised you want to. I’m honestly shocked you’re being so cool about all of this.”
Reese shrugged as if it was no big deal. “I love you, and because I love you, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for, no matter what the reason. I made that mistake, and I don’t want the same for you.”
Bette’s heart swelled from Reese’s words. She didn’t know how it would ever be possible to love her more than she did in that moment. But then again, Reese James was full of surprises. She scooted down the couch and snuggled up against her, loving how the warmth of Reese’s body seemed to transfer right over to her own. “I’m going to make this the best summer of your life, I promise.” A sadness took over when Bette remembered what was coming at the end of the summer. When she would be going off to Penn State, and Reese would stay home. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you next year.”
“Let’s not think about that right now,” Reese said as she wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in. “Let’s first focus on beating this game, then we’ll focus on you keeping your promise to make this the best summer ever. No need to look beyond that.”
For once, Bette agreed. Thinking about their future would only ruin the present, and that was the last thing she wanted.
***
Reese sighed as she lay in the tree house beside Bette running a hand through her hair. She couldn’t believe they were a week away from their summer together coming to an end because they both had to go to school early to prepare for their prospective sports. Even though Reese would live at home, she would still stay on campus for those first two weeks of soccer practice before school. All of the players were expected to stay there as some sort of bonding experience.
Bette kept her promise of making this the best summer ever, and the thought of being apart felt like something living inside of her was about to be ripped out, and she was somehow expected to go on without it. How was she supposed to do that? How was she supposed to get through such a big change without Bette by her side? More importantly, how were they going to do it? Three hours might as well have been cross country for how little time they were going to have between academics and sports.
“Are you okay?” Bette asked, interrupting her thoughts.
“I’m fine. Just thinking about how much I don’t want you to leave me next week.”
Bette pushed herself up onto her elbows and stared at Reese. “I’m surprised you’re actually talking about that. You avoided the subject every time I brought it up this summer.”
Reese shrugged. “Can’t really avoid it now that it’s right in front of us.” Although she knew she probably could. Reese was the expert of avoiding things happening around her. She just figured this was one time she really shouldn’t. There was no avoiding this, and they needed to figure out what they were doing. “It’s going to be really hard being three hours apart.”
“It is,” Bette said with a sigh. “Especially since I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to get home too often because of field hockey.”
“And I won’t be able to come to you because of soccer,” Reese added, suddenly feeling completely defeated.
“So, what are we supposed to do?” Bette asked softly.
Reese dreaded that question all summer because there only seemed to be one solution that made sense, although, it didn’t actually make sense at all. She had heard so many horror stories about couples going off to separate colleges and growing to resent each other until they inevitably broke up. By the time that inevitable break up came, the resentment was so bad that they hated each other. She didn’t want that with Bette. Bette was way too important to her to lose her over petty issues like not calling each other enough or jealousy over things the other person posted on social media. Their relationship deserved better than that. They deserved better than that. Bette especially. She deserved to go off to school and live the life of a normal college student without having to worry about her girlfriend back home.
“Do you think we should…?” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She couldn’t even say the word out loud. Saying it made it too real, and she wasn’t ready to handle that right now.
Obviously, Bette didn’t have the same reservations. “Break up?” she asked tentatively.
“Is that what you want?” Reese snapped, feeling irrationally angry that Bette would say it even though it was exactly what she was thinking.
“It’s obviously not what I want. I just know that’s what you were going to say, and I completely understand where you’re coming from. We’re at a really good place right now. I don’t want to ruin that by trying to hold onto something that might not survive.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” Reese said, hating how weak she sounded, which didn’t even begin to compare to how weak she actually felt. She wasn’t sure how she could make it through each day without her rock, but then again, no matter what they were, Bette wasn’t going to be around. She was going to have to figure out how to do it without her.
Bette wrapped her arms around Reese and kissed on her neck as she nuzzled her head into her shoulder in the way Reese loved. “I don’t want to lose you either. I think that’s why we’re both considering this. We know the truth about how many couples actually stay together in college, and neither of us wants to become just another statistic.”
Bette reiterated all of Reese's thoughts, but that still didn’t make it hurt any less to hear them spoken out loud.
“So, we’re really doing this? We’re breaking up?” Reese asked.
“I hate calling it that. Can’t we just say we’re taking a break instead?”
“Breaks are bullshit. Everyone knows that. They only complicate things more because they blur the lines on what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. I’m not trying to hold you back in any way. I want you to live your life without having to worry about me.”
“You know I’m always going to worry about you.”
Reese rolled her eyes. Leave it to Bette to be literal. “Obviously. I just don’t want you to overthink whether it's okay to do certain things. I don’t want the decisions you make to be based off of me or how you think I might feel about them. I want you to do all of the things that make you happy.”
“Can you at least promise me something?” Bette asked as tears came to her eyes, and Reese tried to ignore them so she wouldn’t start crying, too. There was no need for them to both be a mess.
“Anything.”
Bette wiped at her eyes and took a few deep breaths to get her emotions under control. “Promise me that you won’t write us off completely. I don’t want this to be the end for us. There’s no way to know what’s going to happen in the future, but if I thought this meant there was no chance of there ever being an us again, I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye.”
Now Reese couldn’t stop the few tears that fell. Damnit. Why did she let Bette get to her like that? She was supposed to be the strong one.
“I would never,” Reese said. “As far as I’m concerned, there will always be an us because I’m never going to stop loving you.” Reese laughed at herself. “God, that sounded so cheesy. We need to end this conversation so I don’t sound like even more of an idiot. Let’s do something else instead?”
“What do you have in mind? I can tell you are already thinking of something.”
Reese smirked because Bette was exactly right. She knew exactly what she wanted to do. “Race you from here to the playground. Winner gets to push the loser around on the merry-go-round until she throws up.”
Reese stood up and immediately headed out of the tree house and into Bette’s backyard, breaking into a sprint as soon as she hit the ground. She knew it wasn’t fair, but that’s how Reese played. Bette had to be used to it by now. Unfortunately, she underestimated the distance to the playground and couldn’t keep her pace up, allowing Bette to catch up to her right as the playground came into view. They bumped into each other and tried to push each other out of the way as they made their way to the merry-go-round. When they arrived at the same time, Bette surprised Reese by playfully pushing her down onto it and crawling on top of her.
Reese smiled and took in the way the setting sun reflected off of her hair, giving her the most beautiful view in the world. “It looks like we both won.”
“It seems that way, doesn’t it?” Bette smirked as she bent down to kiss Reese in a way she probably shouldn’t at a public playground. Not that Reese cared. She would have spent all night kissing on that merry-go-round if Bette hadn’t been the one to pull away. “This is better than throwing up though. Wouldn’t you say?”
“Much better,” Reese said and pulled Bette down for another kiss.
***
A week later, they stood outside of Reese’s house saying their tear-filled goodbyes. Reese had no idea what the future held for them, but she surprisingly wasn’t worried about it. Even as cynical as she could be sometimes, she still believed that life had a plan for them, and this was only the beginning. She was excited about all she had to come, but even more excited for everything Bette had to look forward to. The true college experience that she was going to be missing out on. She wasn’t bitter though. Bette deserved to live that dream. She deserved to be happy.
“Text me as soon as you get there,” Reese said as she reluctantly pulled away from their hug.
“You do the same.”
“Yep. I’ll be sure to text you after my grueling ten-minute trek.”
Bette playfully pushed Reese away. “Whatever. Enough of the sarcasm. I better hear from you.”
“Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll text you every single day to let you know I’m still alive.”
Bette shook her head, but a wide grin still spread across her face. Reese took in that smile. She memorized the way it completely took over Bette’s face and how it made her natural light radiate out of her. She let herself completely feel the way Bette took over her own body without even touching her. How she made her heart beat fast, her palms go sweaty, and her feet float off the ground from one simple look.
“Well, I better go.” Bette said, walking to her car. Reese turned toward her house, unable to watch her leave.
“Hey, Reese?”
Reese spun back around at the sound of Bette calling her name to find her leaned up against her car with the door open. “Just so you know, I’ll always be the one to hold your hand.”
Reese smiled as she watched Bette get into her car and drive away. Everything would be okay between them. In some way or another, everything was going to be okay.
Chapter 14: 19 years old
Remission. Hearing that word was like music to her ears after the year she had; the year her whole family had. It seemed Rachel had to hit her lowest point so far to get to this, but remission made it all worth it. All the extra hospital trips, all the experimental treatments, everything that had been so hard for all of them to deal with before, she was now so thankful for.
She picked her sister up in her arms and spun her around right there in the living room. This was the first appointment she missed in months, and she couldn’t believe she chose the one where they got such good news to miss out on it. “We’re cancer-free! We’re in the clear. We have to celebrate.” She put Rachel back down and gave her the best serious look she possibly could - given how overjoyed she was. “And don’t start saying that realist shit about how this doesn’t actually mean it’s gone and we’re not really in the clear. Let me have this. Let’s sneak some Four Loko into our bedroom and celebrate like normal nineteen-year-olds.”
Rachel laughed and shook her head. “You’re insane. Mom started calling someone as soon as we got out of the car, so if I had to guess, I’d say Mr. Mitchell will be planning a remission party. That man will use any excuse to celebrate.”
Like clockwork, a text came through to both of their phones at that moment, confirming that her mom had either been talking to Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell.
Remission?! Ahh. How exciting, Bette said in the chat including both Reese and Rachel.
Before either of them could respond, another text came through. My dad is of course already talking about having you guys over for a “party” to celebrate. Aka our two families will be getting together for dinner and our moms will get wine drunk.
“This is perfect. Your wish came true,” Rachel said as she sent back a text of her own. Thanks, girl! Still have alcohol hidden up in the tree house? Reese wants us to celebrate like “real teenagers.”
Do you even have to ask? Of course I do! I’ll make sure my dad invites you guys over ASAP, not that I think we’ll have to worry about that too much.
Rachel looked up from her phone and studied Reese’s face in a way that told her she was about to get hounded with questions. “Is it going to be weird for you to be around Bette again?”
“Why would it be weird? We’re friends.”
“It would be weird because you’re clearly still in love with her, and you guys haven’t seen each other in forever. When was the last time you saw her?”
“It was Christmas, and it was fine.” It really was. Seeing Bette at her family’s annual Christmas Eve party had been nice. She would almost go as far as saying it was completely normal. With so many friends and family around, they hadn’t really had any alone time, but they had fun together. Plus, the two of them still texted each other. It wasn’t as regularly as it had been when they first got to college, but they kept in touch. They were in a really good place.
Rachel lifted an eyebrow as the smirk on her face grew. “I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t deny being in love with her.”
What was Reese even supposed to say to that? It was true. No matter how much time passed, there would probably always be a part of her that was in love with Bette. She didn’t want to think of what that meant because she wasn’t in a place to be anything more than friends right now, but she couldn’t deny it. “Things are going to be just fine.”
***
Reese was right. Just a few days later, when they went to the Mitchells’ house to celebrate Rachel’s diagnosis, things were fine between her and Bette. They hopped right back into that comfort they had always had with each other. The alcohol certainly didn’t hurt. They drank enough for the three of them to become giddy without being obvious when the time came for them to leave.
“Time to head out, girls,” Reese’s dad called to them from the back door late into the night.
“Well, looks like we have to go,” Reese said reluctantly. She had been having such a nice time with Bette and hated for it to end. She looked at Bette, who seemed to be just as disappointed. “You’re home for the summer, right? Let me know when you’re free again and we’ll get together.”
“You're together now. Why don’t you just spend the night?” Rachel asked from behind her. When both Reese and Bette looked at her, she shrugged her shoulders like it was no big deal for exes to have a sleepover. “You both clearly have a lot to catch up on. What’s the problem?”
