Jules, page 4
“Don’t fucking go anywhere. You’re the only one I know.”
He nodded and pointed to the seat. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I let myself fall back into the pillow and drifted off.
CHAPTER SIX
Ivy
I FELT SICK to my stomach, like I was literally going to throw up at any minute. He didn’t remember me. In fact, he was downright cold to me after the doctor left. He remembered Chris and once he did, he didn’t spare me a second glance. I was nobody. Just someone that was standing by his bed and hoping he’d remember me.
I shot off the chair and ran for the bathroom, just barely closing the door before I sank to my knees and threw up what I had eaten earlier in the food court. When I felt steady again, I got to my feet and rinsed my mouth. I couldn’t believe the girl that stared back at me in the mirror. I looked terrible. My face was pale and thin, my eyes looked bruised, and my hair looked horrible and greasy. No wonder he didn’t recognize me. I didn’t recognize me.
There was a knock at the door and I gathered myself and opened the door. Chris was standing outside the door, concern pinching his face.
“You okay?”
I nodded, not feeling like I could speak right now.
“You need to get some sleep. He’s not going anywhere. Go back to the hotel and get some rest.”
“I don’t want to leave him.”
“I won’t go anywhere. Besides, I called the other guys to let them know he was waking up a little more. They’ll be in and out all day.”
“Right,” I swallowed hard. “Because he’ll probably remember them.”
“Ivy, you can’t blame him for not recognizing you. He can’t control how his brain works right now.”
God, I sounded like such a bitch. I was mad at the man I loved, who was lying in a bed because he almost died, because he didn’t remember me. That was a new low for me.
“You’re right. I’ll go back to the hotel and get some sleep.”
“Cap is on his way over now. I’ll let him know you need a ride.”
“Thanks.” I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Walking down the hall and getting into the elevator was a struggle. My feet dragged and it felt like I was dragging a hundred pounds of dead weight behind me. When I walked out of the elevator on the first floor, Cap was standing in the lobby waiting for me. He came toward me and wrapped his arm around me like he was trying to hold me up.
“Shit, you look worse than Chris said,” he muttered.
“It’s not nice to tell a woman she looks bad.”
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. You look like a light breeze would blow you away.”
The more we walked, the more I just wanted to lie down and go to bed. I was stumbling over my feet and my head was swimming. I barely heard the curse as the world spun in a haze around me. My knees buckled, but I didn’t hit the ground. The last thing I remembered was looking up at the bright sun.
✯✯✯✯✯
I was hot and then I was cold. I couldn’t get comfortable and my stomach was churning. I kicked off the covers and tried to find a position that worked for me, but there was no comfort in this hotel bed. I needed Julian, but he didn’t know me. I was all alone again.
Julian was standing in front of me, yelling at me that he didn’t know me, he didn’t want me. The guys were all telling me to get out, that I didn’t belong here anymore and Emma just shook her head in disgust. Then the police came and arrested me. I was locked up for being a terrorist and when I stood before the judge, he laughed at me and told the prosecutor to put me in prison and throw away the key. I was thrown into a jail cell and the door was slammed shut. The walls kept getting smaller and smaller until it felt like the only space I had was the bubble of air around me as I huddled in the corner.
I kicked off the covers as I shot up in bed. Florrie was there with me and ran to my side when I started dry heaving. She guided me to the bathroom where I started throwing up again. The stress of all this was killing me. My legs were too shaky to stand, so I rested back against the wall on the floor and waited for it all to pass. Florrie knocked on the door and sat down across from me, leaning against the vanity.
“Are you okay?”
“About as good as I can be. Why are you here?”
“Cap asked me to stay with you. He said you passed out on the way to the truck. He gave me strict instructions that when you woke up I was to get some fucking food in your body before you deteriorated into nothing. I can see why he was concerned. You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit. I haven’t really slept in two weeks. Every time I look at Julian, I feel sick to my stomach because I pushed him away and he almost died.” I scoffed. “And now he doesn’t remember me.”
“He only saw you once. You have to give him time to let it all fall into place.”
“Have you see him?” I asked curiously. She seemed hesitant to answer and I knew why. “He remembers you.”
“Just my face.”
“That’s more than I got. What about everyone else? Does he remember them?”
“Look, you’ve got to remember that we’ve all worked with him day in and day out for years. And he doesn’t really remember us, he just has a memory that floats through his head. He doesn’t remember anything about us. We’re just faces that he knows.”
I nodded. That didn’t really make me feel any better.
“Come on, let’s get some food in you.” I groaned, but she tugged on my arm, pulling me off the floor. “Stop groaning. There’s someone else here to see you.”
“Who’s that?”
We walked out of the bedroom and into the living space that was way too big to be my hotel room. Lola and Becky were sitting on the couch watching tv. I was surprised that they were all here.
“Why are all of you here?”
“We came to see Jules,” Lola replied. “But then Cap told us that you’ve been having a rough time, so we came here.”
“But…why? We’ve never really hung out or…anything. I only know you through Jules.”
Lola shrugged. “We’re all a family. It doesn’t matter how well we know each other. If one of us is struggling, we’ll all be there.”
Except she didn’t know, not like John knew. How long would it be before he told everyone about me?
“I’m not even sure how I ended up in this hotel room. This isn’t the one that I came to when I arrived.”
“Cap upgraded,” Becky said happily. “When you did a dead man’s flop, he wanted someone to stay with you and when he found out we were heading out here, he got a suite so we could all stay together.”
“You should really try the breakfast feast. It’s so good.” Florrie handed me the room service booklet, but everything in there looked disgusting.
“I’ll just get some toast and water.”
“I’m pretty sure Cap would not consider that feeding you,” Florrie admonished.
“I can’t take anything else right now. I’m a mess and every time something stresses me out, I just throw it back up.”
“How about we order you some pancakes with nothing on them,” Becky said. “It’s plain enough that you might be able to stomach it for now. Besides, if Cap knows you’re not eating, he’s not going to let you back into the hospital.”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “But if I throw it up, it still counts as eating it.”
✯✯✯✯✯
“Why are we going this way?” I asked as we headed a different direction than the ICU.
“He was moved yesterday to a private room.” Lola punched in the second floor and a few minutes later, we were standing outside of Julian’s room. I was nervous to say the least. He hadn’t exactly been receptive to me the last time I was here. Lola pushed the door in and Becky followed. I hung back just a second before entering, wanting to get the lay of the land before I entered.
He smiled when he saw Lola and Becky, but then his eyes shifted to mine and his face morphed into something between anger and irritation. I didn’t say anything. I just waited for everyone else to speak up to see how he was doing first.
“Remember anything today?” Lola said as she hopped up onto the edge of the bed. She seemed awfully comfortable around him.
“A little. You made me play Quidditch.”
Lola smiled wide and laughed. “Yeah, I have to admit, that was pretty fun for me.”
“I don’t remember much about it. Just bits and pieces. Chris filled me in on the name.”
John and Chris were on the other side of the room talking quietly to one another. I wanted to ask them what was new with Julian, but I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. It felt so strange to be standing in the room with the man I loved and yet I didn’t feel comfortable enough to go stand next to his bed. I felt like an outsider. I had spent more nights in his bed over the past two years than I could count, and now I was the one that wasn’t welcome.
Becky nudged me forward, motioning for me to go see him. I took a small step forward and then another. His eyes moved over to mine and I almost lost my nerve. His look wasn’t inviting or even questioning. It was downright brutal, but I couldn’t walk away until he told me to.
“Hi, Julian. How are you feeling today?”
“Fine, as long as they keep feeding me pain meds.”
“Have you remembered anything new?”
“You mean like you?”
His tone was harsh and upsetting. He was getting worked up by me just being in the room. I didn’t understand it.
I shook my head quickly, not wanting to pressure him. “No, just anything new.”
“I don’t know you. I can place them, but I don’t…when I look at you, there’s nothing. Why do there have to be so many fucking people?” he muttered to himself.
He was getting upset and his monitor was beeping a little faster. I didn’t want him to be upset, so I took a few steps back, ready to leave the room.
“It’s fine, Julian. I’ll leave.”
“I don’t want you here.” He sighed heavily, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “If I even recognized you just a little, I wouldn’t be so fucking pissed, but you’re looking at me with those sad eyes, like you should mean something to me. But you don’t and I can’t fucking make that happen. You’re just another face. Another fucking part of my life that’s a complete blank.”
“Julian, I wasn’t trying to push you. Honest, I just-”
“You just wanted me to accept you as part of my life. You were just hoping that maybe I would ask you to stay and talk to me about whatever the hell you once meant to me. It’s just too much. I can’t deal with trying to remember the people I do recognize along with someone that I don’t. Maybe you should just go until I can work shit out.”
The silence in the room was deafening. I never understood that phrase until this very moment. No one in the room was looking at me. They were all staring at their feet or some spot on the wall. Even Julian was staring at his hands.
They would all get to stay with him and laugh with him, make him feel like he wasn’t so alone. They would get to see his progress, while I was being sent away. I didn’t let a single tear fall, despite the feeling of being stabbed repeatedly. I didn’t need anyone else to see me fall apart. I nodded and refused to look at anyone else, then walked out the door. I could swear I heard someone call him an asshole before the door shut. Leaning against the wall, I let the tears fall hard and the pain of his rejection wash over me.
My chest felt like there was an elephant sitting on it and my whole body was shaking. I had never felt so rejected in all my life. Not even when my parents had basically disowned me. Pain shot through my stomach, but it was different, sharp and actual pain. Not just heartache. I doubled over, gripping my stomach as I tried to hold myself up. It felt like really bad period cramps. I took deep breaths, but the cramping continued.
“Ivy, what’s wrong?”
I didn’t look up to see who it was. I could barely think about anything other than the pain, but then it started to fade just a little. I slowly stood and wiped at my face, trying not to look like the wreck I knew I was.
John. Just the man I wanted to see. Not only did he know about my past, he was suspicious of me.
“I’m just going to leave.”
“What was that?”
“You were there. He doesn’t want me around.”
“No, that’s not what I’m talking about,” he said angrily. “When I came out here, you were in pain. What happened?”
“I don’t know, but it’s not as bad now.”
He didn’t believe me, judging by the look on his face. It hurt to straighten up all the way, but I didn’t want him to know how bad it was. I walked away without another word. I didn’t hear him following me, so I assumed I was in the clear, but then the cramps got stronger and I stumbled, catching myself on the wall before I fell to the ground.
“What the fuck, Ivy?”
His hand wrapped around my upper arm as he tried to look at my face. I just wanted to get away. I didn’t want any of Julian’s friends to be around me anymore. It just hurt too much.
“Sir, is there a problem?”
“Yes, something’s wrong. She needs to see a doctor.”
“I don’t need a doctor. I just-”
“You need a fucking doctor,” he said harshly, telling me to shut up with his glare. The nurse came back with a wheelchair and took me down to the ER. I was taken back to a curtained off room where the doctor asked me question after question. John stayed with me the whole time, giving me no space to deal with this on my own. The doctor did an exam, trying to ascertain where the pain was coming from.
“Have you had any pain before this?” the doctor asked.
“No.”
“The nurse said that you were already in the hospital when this happened. Were you having tests run or were you visiting?”
“She was visiting,” John cut in. “A friend of ours was injured badly a few weeks ago. He was in the ICU and we’ve been here ever since, waiting for him to wake up.”
“I see, and other than these cramps you’ve been feeling good?”
I hesitated. “Just some nausea and a little dizziness, but I’ve been stressed out and it’s just been really hard.”
“She hasn’t been eating.” I glared at John, but he just shrugged. “You haven’t. You haven’t been sleeping either.”
“And are you her boyfriend?”
“No, he’s the one in the hospital,” John said matter of factly.
The doctor nodded again. “Well, I’d like to draw some blood and we’ll see where we’re at. The nurse will be in shortly. Is there anything you need?”
“No.”
The doctor walked out, leaving me alone with the tattle tale. “You don’t need to answer questions for me.”
“You weren’t going to be honest.”
“Why are you even here? You don’t like me and you don’t trust me, so why don’t you just go back to Julian’s room and leave me alone.”
“I never said I didn’t like you. You’re right that I don’t trust you. You’ve been lying to Jules for the past two years. He was there for you with all the crap Emma was going through and you didn’t say jack shit to him about what was going on with you.”
“Look, I didn’t say anything because that part of my life is over. It’s in the past and that’s where I want to keep it. I’ve made a new life for myself.”
“Yeah, you had a life with Jules. You don’t keep things from people you love.”
“I never said I loved him.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face when you’re with him. You may think you were putting distance between the two of you, but you sure as hell weren’t pushing him away when things got intense.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I have eyes. If you wanted to have a fuck buddy, he wouldn’t have spent the night with you every night. He wouldn’t have been spending all his free time with you and bringing you around his friends. If you were really his fuck buddy, you wouldn’t have come out here and refused to leave his side for two weeks. That’s what a woman in love does. Just try to deny it.”
But I couldn’t. I did love Julian, but admitting that I needed someone was hard for me. I was always on my own and it worked well for me.
“That’s what I thought.” John crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned back in his chair with a smirk.
The nurse came in and drew blood and then left me alone.
I didn’t say anything else to John. I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. My eyes grew heavy until it was a struggle to keep them open anymore.
I woke again when the curtain was drawn back. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I sat up on the bed, feeling like I had only slept a few minutes. A young man entered the room, but he wasn’t the same man who had initially seen me, which was odd.
“Ivy, I’m Doctor Teague. I have the results from your tests. Would you like this gentleman to leave?”
“Yes-”
“No-”
John glared at me, but then shrugged. “Jules would kick my ass if I left you alone.”
I highly doubted that, but I wouldn’t say that right now and start a fight in front of the doctor.
“Well, I have good news and bad news for you Ivy. You’re pregnant,” Doctor Teague said.
“I’m…” I squeezed my eyes closed. My whole body flushed with a wave of heat that made me feel like I was losing control. This couldn’t be happening. How was this possible?
“No, I’m on birth control.”
“Birth control isn’t one hundred percent effective. If you’ve been sick and you’ve been on antibiotics, or if you forget to take the pill one day, you can still get pregnant.”
I couldn’t say anything. I was in shock for sure, but then it all started making sense. I had been nauseous and throwing up lately.
“Wait, no, it has to be a mistake. I just had my period.”
