Jules, page 11
He grabbed onto my arm and spun me around to look at him. Even though he had just been practically dead a little over a month ago, he was still strong and commanding when he needed to be.
“You don’t have to apologize. I asked you to tell me and you were just being honest. If we’re going to be parents in…however long we have, I’m going to have to get used to hearing things that maybe I’m not ready to know.”
“This is all so weird. One minute, I don’t want to tell you anything and now I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut.”
His hand loosened around my arm and slowly trailed down to my fingers. He intertwined his fingers with mine just slightly. “I don’t know what to say. Everyone keeps telling me that I was in love with you, that I wanted to marry you.” He scoffed as he looked away from me, pulling his hand from mine. I wanted to take his hand back and keep that lifeline that was tethering us together. “Now we’re having a kid together and not only do I not remember you, I don’t even know if this was something I wanted. Not that it really matters right now.”
“What happens to us if you never remember?” I asked quietly.
“I wish I had an answer for you. I know that I’m hurting you, but I can’t just be whatever we were before. We just have to get to know each other again and see what happens.”
“But I already know you,” I argued.
“No, you knew me before this shit happened. Maybe someday I’ll be that man again, but right now, this is who I am. And I’m basically having to recreate myself.”
I had to stop thinking of him as my Julian. He wasn’t mine anymore and he may never be the same man I knew. Even the littlest things that he might not remember could change the man he is. It wouldn’t matter, though. I would still love him.
“So, maybe we should just pretend like this is the first time we’ve met each other.”
“And the baby just magically appeared?” he smirked.
“Alright, we had a one night stand, I got pregnant, and now we’re getting to know each other since we’re going to have a baby,” I smiled.
“No pressure?”
“No pressure. We’re just taking it one day at a time.”
I could hardly breathe as I waited for his answer. Everything in my life was wrapped around Julian and I had been too scared to admit it. Now I just prayed that he would agree to this, because I didn’t know what would happen if we couldn’t find a way back to each other.
“I can do that.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Jules
I WOKE UP early the next morning feeling stiff. I hadn’t gotten my PT workout in yesterday and now I was paying for it. I had to get out and walk to get the stiffness out of my body and then I needed to get to work. I threw on my sweats and a t-shirt. It was probably chilly, but I would be getting in a good workout and it wouldn’t be long before I was sweating.
When I stepped onto the porch, I was surprised to see that Ivy was already awake. “Are you an early riser?”
“Not usually. Before I got pregnant, I slept in whenever I had the chance. What about you?”
“I would think you would already know that.”
“You were always up early. You said it was ingrained in you from the military. But I was talking about now.”
“Lately, I’m always up early. When I was in the hospital, I was sleeping all the time because I was drugged up. But when I left, I refused medication. I didn’t want it fucking with my head when I was already so lost. So, now I wake up early because if I lay in bed too long, my body starts to ache.”
She nodded thoughtfully and went back to staring out at the woods.
“Do you want to go on a walk with me? You could tell me more about myself,” I grinned.
“Sure. I could use a walk.”
She was already dressed for the day, wearing a sweater and some kind of black pants. I thought I had seen them before, maybe on Lola, but I couldn’t be sure. They weren’t jeans and they didn’t look like pajamas.
“What? Do I have something on me?”
“No, I was trying to think of what those pants are called,” I said, shaking my head.
“They’re yoga pants.”
“You do yoga?”
“Not if I can help it. You used to try and get me to go on runs with you or go to the training center, but I have no desire to exercise more than I have to.”
We walked down the steps and I winced when I hit the last step and felt a jab in my hip.
“So, if we didn’t run together and we didn’t date, what did we do when we were together besides fuck?”
“At first, that’s all we did. I never stayed the night with you and if you were at my place, you always went home because you had to be up early for work. But then we slowly started spending more time together. You started introducing me more and more to your friends, and to most people, it did seem like we were a couple. We just hung out a lot. I guess it was just comfortable being together whether we were hanging out at your house or going out with friends. In some ways…”
“In some ways, what?”
She shrugged, like she didn’t really want to tell me what she was thinking. “I guess it was kind of like we were best friends. I mean, you had your friends from work and I had Emma, but we were always together.”
I wondered what that would be like. I didn’t see how a guy and a girl could be best friends, but maybe this was just from her perspective. I had to change the subject.
“What’s my favorite food?”
“Steak, medium rare, a baked potato with all the fixings, and vegetables. You always had to eat vegetables because you said they kept you healthy and strong.”
“Was I a health freak?”
“No, you just always threw something healthy into your meals. Even if we were eating pizza, you would make a side of vegetables.”
“You make me sound a little crazy.”
“Well, you were, but you had a very kind heart.”
“A kind heart?”
“Yeah,” she grinned.
I grimaced at her description. I wasn’t so sure that I liked that version of me. “That makes me sound like a pansy. Couldn’t you say something like you had a huge dick or you were the best I’ve ever had?”
“Believe me, I said those things many times.”
I stopped walking and gripped her arm to stop her too. She looked at me in confusion. “What was our first time like?”
“Well, it certainly wasn’t anything romantic. We were never that way in the beginning.”
“So, group orgy then,” I said with a nod.
“No.” Her chest jiggled from her laughter and my gaze narrowed in on her beautiful breasts. I used to have access to those. I used to be able to touch her any time I wanted. But if I did that now, it wouldn’t be fair to her. “We never did anything like that. Sorry.”
“So, what was it then?”
“When I met you at the Reed Security party, we sparked instantly. You dragged me inside and we fucked in the bathroom. I was bent over the sink and you were taking me from behind.”
“Wow, you’re right. That’s definitely not romantic.”
“I never wanted that.”
Then why the hell had she stuck around so long?
“We liked sex rough and dirty. Everything about us was passionate and electric. You weren’t romantic very often, but that’s what made it so amazing. There was one time that you were fucking me on the floor in my apartment and Emma was home with Blake. They walked out and saw us, but we just kept going. It was just the way we were.”
My cock twitched in my sweats. This was the first time since I woke up that I was affected by a woman. I slowly limped my way toward her, wondering what it would be like if I had her. Would I remember her then? I stood before her, my breath mingling with hers. Her eyes were dancing with mine, trying to figure out what was happening. I could feel the electric current she was talking about, though it wasn’t as strong as I thought it would be.
I slid my hand along her neck until I was gripping the back of her head and pulling her to me. The moment my lips touched hers, sparks ignited in me, sending my body into overdrive. I could feel my cock thickening in my pants, straining to get to her. I slid my tongue into her mouth and pulled her tight against me. My hands stroked her body, feeling every curve until I was gripping her ass and grinding against her. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t know exactly what to do, but I knew that this felt good.
She tore herself from my arms, touching her lips as her body shook. I took a step toward her, but she took one back, putting more distance between us. I didn’t understand why she was pulling away if this was what she wanted.
“Why did you kiss me?” she asked quietly.
“Because I wanted to.” Her eyes locked with mine. Anger and hurt swirled in them, confusing me even further.
“Because you wanted to or because I was an experiment?”
“Ivy, I-”
“Don’t.” Tears filled her eyes, spilling over and down her cheeks. “Did you want to kiss me or were you just trying to see if you would remember something?”
I didn’t want to answer because I wasn’t really sure what I was doing.
“If you want to kiss me to see if you remember, you ask me first. This may mean absolutely nothing to you, but it means everything to me. Don’t play with my heart like that. It’s cruel.”
She turned and walked away, leaving me alone on the path. I had majorly fucked up. I had been using her, even if I hadn’t wanted to admit it. Sure, some part of me did want to kiss her, but it was more about exploring the connection to see if it went anywhere. And it hadn’t worked. All I knew was that I was insanely attracted to this woman.
I slowly made my way back to the cottage, limping along like the gimp I was. By the time I made it inside, Ivy had already packed her bags and was sitting on the couch. She didn’t look up when I sat down across from her.
“Ivy, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to use you like that. I did feel something and I just went with it, hoping it would tell me something. It won’t happen again, I swear.”
“I think we should head back home.”
“I thought you wanted-”
“I changed my mind. I need my own space. I’m sorry, but it’s too hard to be this close to you.”
“It won’t happen again. Ivy, I’m asking you to stay.”
I didn’t know how to say what I was thinking or feeling. I didn’t want to lead her on, but I also wanted to stay and find out more about her and what had happened between us. To see if there was any way we could get back what we once had.
“I just wanted to see if there was still something between us, and I think there is. I felt it when I kissed you. I’m not saying that everything will be fine, but…I want to try. I want to get to know you. If it weren’t for this baby, I would probably still push you away. But there is a baby and…fuck, I don’t know anything right now. I can’t control anything right now, but I can do this. I can get to know you again and try to be everything this baby needs. And I know that’s not romantic or the right way to say things, but it’s all I have right now. I don’t want us to be strangers when this baby comes.”
It wasn’t at all romantic or even something I would think might change her mind, but I was shit with words right now. I didn’t know how to be suave or know how to understand her feelings, but I could learn. I knew I could, and hopefully that would get me on the right track.
“Okay,” she said with a hesitant smile. “We can stay.”
✯✯✯✯✯
I wasn’t sure what time Ivy usually got up, but I figured I could make her breakfast since she said that she got sick if she didn’t eat first thing in the morning. I searched through the cabinets until I found pans and then pulled out eggs and vegetables. I made an omelette for her and myself and then cleaned up the kitchen. She shuffled in a few minutes later, but stalled just inside the kitchen. Her face paled and she darted for the bathroom.
I didn’t know what the hell was wrong, but when I heard her throwing up, I immediately hobbled over to the door. “Ivy?” I knocked. “Are you okay?”
I winced when I heard her throwing up again. “Can you get rid of the eggs?”
“Oh, shit. Is that what made you throw up?”
“Yes,” she groaned. I made my way back over to the kitchen and quickly shoveled both omelettes in my mouth, chewing as fast as I could. I even sprayed air freshener around so that it didn’t smell like eggs anymore. When she finally stepped out of the bathroom, I moved to her quickly. She looked absolutely terrible.
“I’m so sorry, Ivy. If I had known, I wouldn’t have made them. I just assumed-”
“It’s okay. I keep them in here for when I make other things. I just can’t stand the smell of cooked eggs.”
“I can make you something else for breakfast. What sounds good?”
“Nothing. I usually just eat crackers until my stomach settles.”
I stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do. It was strange to be here with her and not really know what to do or say. It was like waking up in the hospital all over again. Everything seemed foreign to me.
“You don’t have to wait on me. Just do whatever you want.” Her smile was friendly and it set me at ease.
“I don’t really know what to do.”
“If you give me a half hour, I’ll eat and get dressed and then we could go for a walk.”
“Sure, that sounds good.”
I sat down in the living room, twiddling my thumbs as I looked around the room. I was so fucking bored and it was only seven in the morning. I spotted a book on the table and when I saw it was a pregnancy book, I decided to flip through it while I waited. What I read was terrifying.
The book talked about being there to support your spouse both emotionally and physically, especially during labor. It said to visualize a Thanksgiving turkey being pushed through an opening the size of a keyhole.
“Of course, this is all on top of visualizing the unimaginable pain from contractions that come in waves, sending out slight and sporadic sensations of discomfort at first but then tripling in seismic intensity and occurring closer together.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Pushing a turkey out? Seismic intensity? Holy shit, they weren’t kidding when they said this was scary. Who would want to go through something like that? That’s like willingly taking a bullet, just to say you could have the scar the rest of your life. Of course, they offer an alternative solution, “having a giant epidural needle attached to what looks more like a caulking gun than a syringe inserted into the spinal nerve.”
“Hey, what are you reading?”
“Did you know that labor has seismic intensity?” I stood to my feet, wide eyed and shaking. “They describe volcanos as seismic. That’s insane. You’re not doing it.”
“Well, I’m going to have an epidural, so I won’t actually-”
“Hell no. According to this, they shove a syringe in your spinal nerve with some giant-ass caulking gun. Your spinal nerve! They could fucking paralyze you.”
“I really doubt that would happen,” she smiled. She was way too relaxed about all this.
“Yeah? Well, what about the vaginal tearing, stitches, and hemorrhoids? And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not need a C-section. This kid is going to literally rip your vagina in two.”
“You’re overreacting,” she said calmly. “There’s no guarantee that any of that will happen. It’s more to let you know what could happen.”
“How can you be so calm about this?”
“Well, I guess I figure that women have done this from the beginning of time and those women didn’t have the creature comforts that I have access to. If they can do it and live to tell their stories, so can I.”
I plopped down on the couch with a big sigh. I just couldn’t believe what was going to happen. This was all insane.
“Relax, we have other things to worry about before labor is ever an issue.”
My head snapped up instantly. “What do you mean, other things to worry about?”
“Nothing. There’s really nothing to worry about. It’s just that there are other things that happen, like milestones,” she said quickly. “You know, I think I’m ready for that walk now.”
“Tell me what things!”
“Really, labor is the hard part. Let’s go.”
“You know I’ll just find out when I read this book,” I shouted as she walked out the door.
✯✯✯✯✯
Ivy was wrapped in a blanket on the couch a few days later. It was cold and rainy outside and the cold was seeping into the cottage. I had brought in some firewood a few days ago, thinking that we might be able to have a fire one of these nights. I stacked the firewood and added some kindling. When the fire got going, warmth spread through the living room in no time.
“I can’t believe how cold it is. Just yesterday it felt like summer.” Ivy tucked the blanket closer to her and snuggled her face into it. “My feet are freezing. I only packed thin socks because I didn’t think I would have to deal with cold weather.”
I eased myself down onto the couch and pulled her feet out from under the blanket.
“What are you doing?”
“Warming up your feet.” I pulled her socks off and started rubbing my hands across her soft skin. Her toenails were painted a deep red and she had a silver ring on her second toe. I chuckled at the length of her second toe. It was longer than her big toe. When I looked at her other foot, it was the same.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Your toes are cute. Freakishly long, but cute.”
“They aren’t long,” she said indignantly.
“Babe, your second toe is a good inch longer than your big toe.”
“Babe?”
“Sorry, I don’t know where that came from.”
“You used to call me babe all the time.”
She was staring at me again like she hoped I was remembering, but I wasn’t. I’d have to make sure that I didn’t call her babe anymore. I didn’t want her getting her hopes up. I looked back down at her feet and switched the conversation back to her feet.
