Jules, page 10
“And now?”
“Now we have a baby on the way. It doesn’t matter whether or not I remember you. We’re linked for the rest of our lives. I’ll try my best not to disappoint you or get your hopes up. Just be patient with me.”
“Okay.”
That went a lot better than I anticipated. Stupid Ice and his idiotic advice. I was going to kill that fucker. “So, are you planning on staying out here a lot longer?”
“I don’t know. I was thinking of staying for another week or two.”
“Do you want some company?”
She looked shocked that I asked. I was a little shocked that I had offered, but I didn’t feel that pressure that I had from her when I had been in the hospital. It wasn’t like I had any place I had to be and I could do my PT anywhere. And this would give us an opportunity to get to know each other, or for me to get to know her.
“I’d like that.”
✯✯✯✯✯
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Ice asked me the next morning.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, just yesterday you were on the verge of passing out and now you’re staying with your baby-momma. I’m not going to be here to catch you if you feel like passing out again.”
“It’ll be fine,” I said with more confidence than I had. “Besides, we’re going to be seeing a lot more of each other from now on, so I need to get used to this.”
“Okay, a few pointers before I go.” I nodded and drew in a deep breath. “One, don’t sleep with her. You want to draw her back in before you sleep with her.”
“Why? I mean, I wasn’t planning on sleeping with her anyway, but why do you say that?”
“I’m assuming you want to see if this relationship could go anywhere. Correct?”
“I guess.”
“Then don’t fuck it up by sleeping with her. You’re not going to win any brownie points by trying to fuck her and doing a bad job. You need to wait until she’s crawling on her knees, desperate to be with you before you tell her you don’t remember how to fuck.”
“But you said that she was already in love with me.”
“Well, yeah, but you’ve had some distance from her. She knows what it was like to fuck you. Do you really want your first time, the first time you remember, to be jerky and uncomfortable? If she’s swooning all over you again, she won’t give a shit if the sex reminds her of her high school boyfriend.”
“I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” I said irritatedly.
“It might not, but you don’t want to take the chance. Trust me, it’ll be better if you feel something for her too.”
“Is that what it was like for you and Lindsey?”
“Ha! Hell no. Lindsey and I couldn’t stand each other when we met. Every time we fucked, it was based on lustful hate. Best damn sex of my life.”
“Well, maybe that’s what it would be like for us.”
“You think you have what it takes right now for hate sex? Jules, you’re more likely to get her to hate you because of the sex. Trust me on this.”
I wasn’t sure that I did trust him. After all, he did suggest that I compliment her tits when I saw her. “Fine, what’s your second piece of advice?”
“Don’t piss her off. Women are crazy with hormones when they’re pregnant. You say the wrong thing and you’re gonna end up at the bottom of the lake.”
“I’m sure I could fight her off,” I scoffed.
“I used to think the same thing, but until you’ve had a pregnant woman come at you with a knife, you don’t know fear. It’s not like you can kill her. She’s carrying your kid. And hitting a woman is always wrong.”
“Even if she’s coming at you with a knife?”
“Especially then. Do you remember the phrase Don’t poke the bear?” I nodded. “She’s the bear and she will eat you alive if you if you so much as talk to her the wrong way.”
“Are you sure I should be staying out here alone? You make it sound so dangerous.”
“You’ll be fine. Just don’t show any fear. They can smell it on you.”
He grabbed his bag and headed out the door. I limped after him quickly. “You don’t just say shit like that and run.”
“I gotta get back to work. Just remember what I said and you’ll be fine.”
“That’s it? That’s the advice you gave me? I thought it was going to be something profound. You’re just scaring the hell out of me.”
He nodded and thought for a moment. “She loves you more than anything else.”
I smiled at his reassuring words.
“But if she winks at you when she puts your coffee down, don’t fucking drink it.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Ivy
WE WERE SITTING in the living room after John left and the silence was overwhelming. I didn’t know what to say or how to handle this. I didn’t want to bombard him with memories, but I also wanted him to get to know me. Luckily, he spoke first and guided the conversation.
“So, what do you do around here during the day?”
“I go on walks. I read. Sometimes I just sit out on the porch and enjoy the view.”
“Do you want to take a walk with me? I could use a little exercise.”
“Sure.”
I followed him outside, watching how he leaned on his cane for support. It had been about three weeks since his surgery and I was surprised at how well he was doing.
“I can’t believe how much progress you’ve made. I kind of expected you to be struggling to walk or something.”
“Technically, I’m still supposed to be using crutches, but I ditched those about a week ago. It was more dangerous for me to try and use those than to go without.”
I wrapped my sweater tightly around my waist, trying to ward off the chill of the morning air. Walking out here in the morning always made me feel better. I didn’t realize I was grinning as I looked up into the trees until Julian said something.
“What’s that look for?”
“Oh,” I smiled. “I just really enjoy the fresh air. The walks have really helped.”
“Helped with what?”
“Morning sickness.” He looked at me funny and I could have smacked myself. “A lot of women get sick during their first few months of pregnancy.”
“How bad is it?” I almost laughed with how concerned he looked.
“It’s not that bad. It’s mostly nausea. I get sick if I don’t eat enough or if I eat the wrong thing. Sometimes certain smells bother me.”
“Is that why you looked so bad in the hospital?”
“I guess. I think it was a combination of stress and morning sickness.”
He nodded and concentrated on the ground in front of him, watching for anything that he might trip over. Part of me wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but I didn’t think he would be okay with that right now.
“So, Ice told me that we were together for two years.”
“Yeah, I mean, we weren’t technically together, but more or less.”
“He said that you didn’t want more. Do you mind if I ask why?”
There was so much that I would have to tell him for him to understand. With him not remembering anything about me, that wasn’t really something I wanted to get into right now.
“I guess just too much disappointment. If you’re attached to someone, there’s always the risk that you’ll let each other down.”
“Ice made it sound like I was disappointed that we weren’t together. Isn’t that the same thing?”
“We weren’t ever supposed to be more. We were just having a good time, but somehow, it just turned into more than a good time. There was so much going on that it just kind of spiraled out of control.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“When we met, it was because Emma, my best friend, was seeing Blake. She brought me along to one of the Reed Security parties and that’s where we met. We both wanted the same thing. We had an attraction, but we didn’t want any expectations. So, we kept it casual and called each other when one of us needed sex.”
I stopped walking when he did. He was looked lost in thought, so I didn’t want to interrupt him. “Blake and Emma had a baby, and after he was born, they found out she had cancer.”
“That’s right.” He looked over at me, like he was trying to figure out how I fit into everything. “You were there for me all the time, constantly checking on me to make sure I wasn’t breaking down or struggling with the shop. I was very conflicted during that time. I wanted to lean on you, but I was scared that I would need you too much.”
“What do you mean by struggling with the shop?”
“Emma has a bookstore and I run the coffee shop in there. I took over when she was sick and it was a lot of work. I had help, but it suddenly became all my responsibility. I didn’t even get to visit Emma very often because I was so busy. I didn’t want her to come back to a failing store.”
“Wasn’t that over a year ago?”
“Yeah. We had been sleeping together for about a year and then all this started happening. Emma was sick for about six months before the doctors were able to find a treatment that put her in remission.”
“But she’s fine now.” I nodded and he gripped my hand, forcing me to look at him. “What happened between then and me ending up in the hospital?”
“I pushed you away,” I said after a minute. “You wanted to know things that I wasn’t willing to share with you. You stuck it out with me longer than you should have. And then one day, you had enough. You asked me to choose and I just couldn’t do it. You walked out and the next job you took, you were almost killed. I regretted that every day that you were in the hospital.”
“And are you willing to talk to me now?”
“I think you should get to know me a little better before we get to that, but I promise I’ll tell you.”
He nodded and continued walking. “So, tell me something about you. Where are you from?”
“Idaho.”
“What made you come out here?”
“I wanted a change. I wanted a chance at a different life, but that’s not what my parents wanted for me. They were pretty pissed when I moved to the east coast. They thought I was going to end up as a hooker.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, they were very religious…sort of. They were religious when it was convenient for them. I moved to New York City first and they were sure that I was going to be swayed by drugs and dangerous men. They were relieved when I decided to move to DC. They thought it wouldn’t be as risqué.”
“Why did you move?”
“I had trouble finding a good job and it was so expensive, not that DC is cheap, but I found some roommates and a good job. After a few years, I was able to afford my own apartment, and I finally felt like my parents were coming around.”
“So, if you had stayed in Idaho, what would you have done?”
“I probably would have ended up working for my father. He was in property development and worked with charities to build housing for low income families.”
“Wow, it sounds like your dad was a good guy.”
“Yeah, well, don’t let his actions fool you. He did it all for appearance’s sake. My mom was always trying to put up this good front for the family and she was the one that insisted he get into working with charities. She said it would make them more influential.”
“In Idaho?” he asked incredulously.
I couldn’t help but smile. “We were the Kennedys of the potato state.”
Julian broke into laughter, his smile shining like it used to. He was so handsome when he smiled. It reminded me of all those nights that we stayed in and played card games or watched tv. We only had eyes for each other and no matter how much I tried to keep my distance, we always ended up together.
“What’s that smile for?”
I hadn’t realized that I was staring at him. “I was just remembering something.”
“What’s that like?” he joked as he started walking again.
“What do you remember so far?”
“Mostly just small things. Like, there are objects I forget and once I see them, the word comes to me. I remember the guys sort of. It’s strange, I’ll remember a certain memory, but that’s all there is. There’s no reference to the time or place. Ice took me to Reed Security right after I got out of the hospital. I shot a gun and all these memories came back to me, but I don’t know if those things happened this year or five years ago. But I’ve been going to work and doing PT there and that’s been helping recover some memories.”
“Do you remember anything about yourself yet?”
“You know, I’ve been so focused on trying to find some hint of who other people are or what my life is like that I haven’t really tried to figure myself out.”
“Well, what do you want to know?”
He laughed humorlessly. “Where to start?”
“How about I just start telling you things I know and you can ask questions?”
“Okay, I guess that’s as good a plan as any.”
“Well, your favorite color is black. You hate reading, but you’ll read any of the books that I bring home from the bookstore.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because they’re romance novels,” I blushed.
“I read romance novels?”
“It’s more the sex scenes that you like to read. We used to…” I bit my lip, not sure if I should continue that thought. It seemed too personal right now.
“Don’t stop now. The suspense is killing me.”
“We used to act out the scenes that we liked.”
His eyes twinkled as he looked at me. “You’re a dirty girl.”
“It was one of the things that you loved most about me. We had very similar interests in the bedroom.”
I swallowed hard as his gaze stayed steady on me. I had gone too far. I had mentioned love and sex, two things that he probably didn’t want to talk about with me, but his eyes didn’t leave mine. It almost seemed like he was trying to grasp some memory and the longer he stared, the more the sexual tension built between us. At least on my end. The way he was looking at me was a look I knew all too well. His eyes dropped to my lips for just a second and then flicked back up to mine. For a moment, I thought he was going to step toward me and kiss me, but he looked away, breaking the link that was building between us.
Julian shifted his weight, leaning heavily on his left foot. “We should head back.”
“Yeah, we’ve walked pretty far. Is your hip okay to handle so much walking?”
“It’s good for me,” he said, not really answering my question. “So, what happens now with the pregnancy?”
“I have to make an appointment when I get home to meet with an OB. I don’t really know anything other than that.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” I watched him as we walked back, wondering what was on his mind.
“Ice told me that you’re kind of wild and independent. I can see the independent part, but you don’t seem all that wild.”
“I wouldn’t describe myself as wild. It was more that I did what I wanted to and didn’t have any regrets.”
“You did, as in past tense?”
“Well, I have a bun in the oven now. I can’t really do anything I want.”
“So, what were the things you did without regrets?”
This was embarrassing. It was one thing when I met Julian and he knew exactly who I was and what I wanted, but for us to have been together and now I was having his baby? I didn’t really want him to see that side of me anymore. “Please don’t think badly of me.”
“Why would I?” he asked, stopping next to me.
“Because I’m carrying your child and…”
“Considering that I have no idea what kind of things I did, I’m not sure I could judge you for anything you tell me.”
“I used to sleep around.” His eyebrows crinkled in confusion. “Not when we were sleeping together. Before I met you, I rarely slept with a man more than once. I was always looking for a new man to take home and I didn’t care at all. Then I slept with you and it was incredible. So, I told myself that as long as I kept things casual with us, I could continue sleeping with you.”
His eyes dropped to my stomach and he took a step back from me, shaking his head. “How do I know that’s my baby?”
“I promise, I never slept with anyone else while we were together. For two years, it was only you. We were together practically every night that you weren’t working out of town. There was no time for me to hook up with anyone else. Besides, I’ve been in love with you for almost a year and a half.”
I closed my eyes as I heard myself saying those words. Words that he most likely didn’t want to hear. I was so stupid. My eyes were burning from the tears that were trying to slip out, but I refused to cry in front of him. It was these damn pregnancy hormones.
“Sorry, that was probably more than you wanted to know right now. I’ll get a paternity test. I can look into it as soon as I go home.”
I started walking back to the cottage, cursing myself for being such an idiot. Why had I said that? He was wanting to know about us, but he didn’t need the added pressure right now. The only thing that could have been worse was if I told him I wanted to get married before the baby was born, which I kind of did.
“Ivy, wait!”
I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to turn around and see the pity or anger on his face.
“Would you slow the fuck down? Are you trying to get me to break my fucking hip again?”
That had me stopping in my tracks. “I’m sorry.” I didn’t turn around. “I didn’t mean to blurt all that out and I’m not trying to pressure you. It just came out and-”
