Jules, page 3
“Right, my secret.”
I looked over at Julian and wondered if he could hear me while he was lying there. I didn’t want to stress him out, but when John cleared his throat, I knew he wasn’t going to let this go.
“I haven’t even told him,” I said quietly. “It feels wrong to tell you.”
“Ivy, whatever you’re hiding from him is bad enough that you let him go. That tells me that you’re in something deep and either you’re involved in some way or you’re being threatened. Shit like that could get people killed, people that are connected to him because of you. Do you really want that on your conscience?”
“It’s not like that. I just wanted to start over and I didn’t want anyone knowing about my past. I wanted to let it all go.”
“So, you did something that you’re ashamed of and you don’t want Julian to know that he’s been with someone who, what? What did you do, Ivy?”
I didn’t want to tell him, but I also didn’t want him to think that I had done anything. Me keeping this secret was more about self-preservation than anything. It was about keeping the fact that I had dated such an evil man out of this new life I was building. But John wasn’t going to let me stay quiet.
“I…” I swallowed hard and gathered my courage. “I was dating someone for a short time when I began to get this weird feeling from him.”
“Abusive?” he asked before I could finish my thoughts.
“No, nothing like that. He was anti-war. At first I didn’t think anything of it. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But the more we dated, the more he brought up the subject and it started to make me uncomfortable. Then I noticed he was taking these calls in front of me. It sounded like he was planning something out and he kept mentioning veterans and was everything ready. It made me uncomfortable, but the last straw was when he got a box in the mail and it didn’t have a return address. It just felt off to me and I couldn’t ignore that feeling any more.”
“Nothing can go through the mail without a return address. Someone dropped that off because he or she didn’t want to list the items in the box with the post office and didn’t want the package being tracked back to him or her.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. I thought it was weird, but…anyway, I broke up with him that night and did everything possible to distance myself from him. I went to the police right away and told them what I was suspicious of. They basically looked at me like I was a silly girl that had a wild imagination. They said that everything I was talking about could be explained away. And I get it. I didn’t really have anything solid. Weird phone calls and a box don’t mean anything was going on.”
“And what did you think he was up to?”
“I wasn’t sure. I was pretty sure it was something bad and it had to do with the military, but I didn’t have specifics.”
He considered this with a cool gaze that made me feel less like the woman he had known for the last two years and more like a suspect. Which was exactly what I had been afraid of.
“So, did something happen?”
“There was a parade in D.C. I’m sure you heard about it. There were military personnel in the parade and about halfway through-”
“A bomb went off, killing fifteen people and injuring many others,” he finished for me. “And you had nothing to do with that.” It wasn’t a question, but the way he said it was full of skepticism.
“They suspected me. My name was splashed across every newspaper and news show. Everyone believed that I was somehow involved, even when the police cleared me.”
“What did you tell the police?”
“I told them that I had already been to the station to tell them I suspected something was going to happen. That wasn’t good enough for them, though. It took weeks to clear my name and during all that time, I was harassed by everyone. Paparazzi were constantly following me, trying to get some confession out of me. By the time the police cleared me as a suspect, my name was known around the country as a suspected terrorist. There was no getting away from it. It didn’t help that the police never found out who his accomplice was.”
“So, people assumed it was you and that you were covering your tracks.”
“Basically.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell Julian? You know it makes you look more suspicious, right?”
I glanced at Julian again and felt my cheeks redden. “I’m ashamed. I know I don’t have any reason to be, but my name, it ruined me. My parents disowned me.”
His brows crinkled in confusion. “They didn’t stand up for you? Try to protect you?”
“My mother was more concerned about how that would appear to her friends and my dad thought it would hurt business. They cut all ties and I haven’t heard from them since.”
“And what did changing your name do besides give you anonymity?”
“It let me start my life over, pretend that this terrible thing that defined my life didn’t really happen.”
“You can change your name and you can run away, but that doesn’t change who you are.” He looked over at Julian lying in the bed. “He deserves better than your lies. You have to tell him eventually, because if you don’t, you’re still holding onto the past and pretending, as you say. Pretending doesn’t lead to a happily ever after for you and Jules.”
Tears stung my eyes and I tried to block out the hatred that was in his voice. He didn’t believe me and worse, he didn’t think I was good enough for Julian. Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I should just pick up and run away again. The only person that would be sad was Emma. As far as Julian, he wouldn’t know that I came here to visit him. He would assume that we were still broken up.
I stood and left for the first time since I had come to the hospital. I needed some air. I needed some time to think and clear my head. I leaned back against the wall as I sucked back the tears that were streaming down my face. When I finally felt more composed, I walked down the hall in search of an escape.
The more I walked, the more lightheaded I felt. I found my way down to the food court, but everything turned my stomach. I couldn’t imagine eating anything right now, but if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to be on my feet too much longer. I settled on some fruit, oatmeal, and a bottle of water. I shoved as much food down my throat as I could, praying the whole time I wouldn’t throw it up. All the stress of coming here and sitting by Julian’s side day in and day out was making it difficult to do or feel much of anything.
Tossing the remains of my meal, I took my water bottle and headed outside for a walk. I thought about what John had said and the way he looked at me. He was right, Julian did deserve to know the truth. I wouldn’t run away from this. I would face it one last time with Julian. If he didn’t want me, I would walk away. I would leave and find a new home. But I had to hear it from him first.
CHAPTER FIVE
Jules
THERE WERE MUFFLED voices somewhere, but I couldn’t place who they belonged to. I wanted to look, but my eyes were just weights that were dragging me down. There was a steady rhythm nearby and a beeping noise. I couldn’t place where I heard them before, but they sounded familiar. I struggled again to open my eyes and this time I was treated to a faint light. The beeping increased and then there were blobs in front of me. I blinked to try and clear my eyes, but it just wasn’t working. It was too much effort to keep trying, so I let my eyes slide shut and I drifted into the darkness.
The next time I heard the beeping, there were no accompanying voices. The steady rhythm was still there and it felt like something cold was touching my hand. I tried to wiggle my fingers, but I couldn’t tell if anything was happening.
“Julian…Julian. Can you hear me?”
Who the fuck was Julian? Was there someone else in here with me? The cold wrapped around my hand, squeezing harder. It had to be someone else’s hand, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t think of who would be here. Wherever here was. I forced my eyes open and the blob was back, though slightly clearer.
“Julian. He’s waking up. Call the nurse.”
Another blob formed in my vision and I continued blinking, trying to get some idea of where I was or who was here with me.
“Julian, can you hear me? Blink twice if you can hear me.”
I wasn’t sure if the voice was talking to me, but I figured maybe it could tell me what the hell was going on. I blinked twice and then stared at it, thinking it might come to life before my eyes.
“Calm down, Ivy. Give him a minute to adjust.”
That voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I tried to turn my head, but I seemed to be held immobile. Another blob appeared in my vision. There were lots of questions that I didn’t understand and then another blob appeared. I was so fucking confused. It felt almost like it was a dream. Nothing was clear, so I had to be dreaming, right?
The fourth blob that entered moved right next to me and held my eye open. Light shone bright, moving back and forth and blinding me. When he released my face, I blinked rapidly, hoping I could get some kind of vision restored. This voice was trying to talk to me too, but I was just too fucking tired to answer. I slipped into the blackness again and found relief from the bright light.
The bright light slammed into me like a freight train. I wasn’t sure what had just happened, but everything was clear. There was a woman sitting in a chair, sleeping with her head crooked to the side. There was no one else in the room, which seemed strange since there had been four people in here the last time I was awake. I wanted to shake the woman beside me and demand she tell me what the hell was going on, but I couldn’t move. Just when I went to open my mouth and try to call out to her, I felt something strange in my throat. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on what I was feeling, and then I freaked the fuck out. There was no way for me to talk because something was trying to strangle me.
I shifted as much as I could and forced my hand to reach out. I hit something and grasped at it. The beeping was loud and rapid, pounding into my head. Someone ran into the room and was talking to me, but I couldn’t hear. I was too wrapped up in the fact that I was going to choke to death. Why wasn’t she helping me?
Another person came in and rushed over to my side. He was saying something too and then the woman was standing next to me. I focused on her. For some reason, she calmed me. I wasn’t sure why, but slowly, the beeping went back to normal.
“That’s better, Julian. We’re going to remove the ventilator now. It’ll feel weird, but try not to move.”
I laid there like a statue while the woman stared into my eyes. She had blonde hair and green eyes that captivated me. I couldn’t look away. Whatever was choking me was gone and fresh air poured into my lungs. I gasped, but never looked away from the woman.
“Can you tell me where you are? Julian?”
Something tapped me and I finally looked away from her face and over to the man in the white coat by my bed.
“Can you tell me where you are?”
I shook my head, unable to speak at the moment. My throat was too dry and hurt like hell.
“You’re in the hospital. What’s the last thing you remember?”
I tried to clear my throat, but it was so dry. The lady that was with the man in the white coat brought a straw to my lips and cool liquid ran down my throat. It didn’t totally relieve the dryness, but it helped.
I thought about the man’s question, but I came up blank.
“That’s okay. Do you know your name?”
My name. A name is something people call you. Everyone calls me…I don’t actually know anyone, so I guess no one’s ever called me anything.
“Your name is Julian. Does that ring any bells?”
I shook my head again and looked back to the woman on the other side of me. She looked scared. She was twisting her hands together and tears were in her eyes. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted to comfort her. I held my hand out to her and she latched on for dear life.
“Do you know who she is?” the man asked.
I studied her face and tried to come up with a name or how I would know her, but there was nothing. She wasn’t at all familiar, but there was some kind of connection there.
“I’m Doctor Ramsey. I’m guessing you don’t remember me from the last time you woke up.” I shook my head. “You were severely injured and you’ve been in the hospital for almost two weeks now.”
“Hospital?” I croaked out. The man nodded, but he wasn’t understanding my question. “What’s a hospital?”
The man’s eyes widened and then he smiled kindly down at me. “It’s a place to come when you’re injured. Do you know what that means?”
I quickly filtered through the words that were jumbling around in my head. “Injured is when you’re hurt, right?”
“That’s very good,” the man said. “With brain injuries, sometimes things can be a little confusing while your brain catches up. I’m guessing things will come back little by little the more time that you’re awake.”
I didn’t really know what to say to that. Thank you? “What happened?”
The doctor smiled again. “You were injured while you were working. Some concrete fell on your body and hit you in the head. You were also shot a few times.”
“Shot with what?”
“Bullets. Do you remember what those are?” the doctor asked.
An image of a weapon flashed through my mind, but the word didn’t come to me. I assumed that bullets had to do with the image in my head.
I didn’t know, so I looked to the woman.
“Name?” I asked bluntly.
“Ivy.” Her voice was soft and sweet, but I got the feeling when I looked at her that she was anything but sweet. I shuffled through all the crap flowing through my brain, trying to find the connection, but the more I tried, the more frustrated I got. When she looked at me with those damn tears in her eyes, it made me feel like shit that I couldn’t remember her.
The doctor said a few more things, but I wasn’t listening. After he left, another man sauntered into the room and stood where the doctor had.
“Hey, Jules. Good to see you awake. I thought you were trying to get out of training with us. Knight’s a little pissed that it’s taking you so long to get your ass out of bed.”
The man was wearing a cowboy hat. Who the hell wore cowboy hats? Maybe we were out west and I wore a cowboy hat. He did look familiar though. Something….
“Chris.”
“Yeah, good to see you remember me.”
“Don’t. It’s just there.”
Chris looked over at Ivy and raised an eyebrow. He obviously hadn’t been filled in by the doctor.
“You don’t know me?” he asked hesitantly.
“I know your name, but…” I shook my head slightly. “I don’t…”
I struggled to come up with the word, but it just wasn’t there. It was like it was floating around in my head somewhere, but I just couldn’t grasp it. “I don’t know your face.”
“What about Ivy?” he asked.
I looked over at her again and there was still nothing, just some distant connection that I couldn’t place. Now she was looking at me like I was breaking her heart. “Nothing. I don’t…”
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to find the words. The harder I tried, the more my head hurt.
“You don’t remember?” Chris supplied.
I nodded, not wanting to speak anymore since the words weren’t coming easily.
“Is there anything you do remember?”
“No,” I shook my head. “Words, but it’s all-” I was getting frustrated not being able to say what I needed to. I made the motion with my hands and Chris nodded.
“Jumbled?” Chris asked.
I nodded again.
Chris swallowed hard and ran his hand across his jaw. It was a familiar move. I must have spent a lot of time with him. “Look, it’ll come back. You just have to give it time. Ivy hasn’t left your side since you’ve been here. We’ve all been worried about you.”
“Who’s we?”
“All the guys at Reed Security. That’s where you work, where all of us work.”
My hands started shaking slightly. I didn’t know what that meant. Whatever he said just flew over my head. I closed my eyes as I wrenched my hand free from Ivy’s. I couldn’t take holding her hand anymore. She was holding onto me like I was her lifeline, but I needed my own damn lifeline. I needed something that told me who the fuck I was.
“Hey, man, it’s okay. You’ll remember, you just have to give it time.”
I clenched my jaw tighter in anger. How did he know it would be okay? I didn’t know him. I didn’t know her and I sure as fuck didn’t know anything about where he said I worked.
“Leave,” I said harshly. “I don’t know you.” Chris just looked at me like what I had said was amusing. “Is something funny?”
“I kind of like that you don’t remember anything. I could have so much fun fucking with you.”
His face flashed in front of my eyes. He wasn’t wearing his cowboy hat, but it was definitely him. He was yanking on whatever I was wearing and he was yelling at me, but it didn’t seem like he was mad at me. I closed my eyes and let the vision float through my mind again, trying to pick up any details I could. We were down low and there was some kind of sharp pinging noise around us. He had on some kind of black vest…That was it. My head was pounding now from concentrating so hard. I took a deep breath and blew it out, then looked to Chris.
“You were there.” I closed my eyes to concentrate on what I had seen. “Gray walls, black vest, and sharp noises. We were…” I motioned that we were down and Chris nodded in understanding.
“Squatting? Crouching?”
“You were holding my shirt and yelling at me.”
He grinned at me, “Yeah, I was yelling at you because you were trying to be a fucking hero. That’s why you’re in this bed.”
I nodded because it made sense, but I still didn’t remember anything else. I closed my eyes again, not because I wanted to remember, but because I was fucking exhausted. I pried my eyes open one last time and gripped onto Chris’s hand that was on the rail on my bed.
