Decker (Sidewinders: Generations Book 5), page 17
A growl left my throat as I launched myself at him, catching him around the middle and knocking us both to the ground. Years of frustration came to head as I punched him in the gut. We rolled around, fists swinging, hurling curses as we tried to best each other. I was in better shape, but he was heavier, so I had to work hard to keep him down.
“God motherfucking dammit, knock it off!” Coach Wylde’s voice was loud enough—and pissed off enough—to penetrate our fury, and we stopped throwing punches long enough for Van and Anton to pull us apart.
“What the fuck is happening here?” Coach gave me a deadly glare.
“It’s personal.” I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth, oblivious to the blood it came away with.
“You’re in my locker room with the press not ten feet away, and it’s fucking personal? Are you serious right now?” He whirled around to John. “And who the fuck are you?”
“I apologize.” John’s voice was tight as he held out his hand. “I’m Decker’s older brother, John.”
Coach was caught off-guard with that statement, but he refused to shake his hand. “I don’t care if you’re the fucking Pope. And I don’t give a fuck what’s going on, you don’t bring that shit to my locker room. You understand me?”
“Yeah.” John cut a disgusted look at me.
“Whatever this is, take it home. Otherwise, you can leave my arena and never come back.” He turned to me. “And you know better. You owe me two hundred laps tomorrow.”
I nodded, too worried about Eden to consider how sore I was going to be. “Sorry, Coach.”
Coach glared at both of us for another few minutes before turning and leaving the room.
I was still pissed and stared at my brother, trying to formulate a rational thought. He had no right to judge me. None. And it pissed me off he thought he was somehow morally superior.
“You know, I don’t give a shit about your religion or the way you live your life. It’s fine. The bible tells some good stories and the Ten Commandments, in general, contains an excellent foundation for how to be a decent human being. But the shit everyone back home, including you, opted to ignore? The sexual abuse and extramarital affairs and all the other hypocritical shit? That stuff I can’t stomach.
“You call me out for my lifestyle because I like to have a good time, but at least I don’t molest little kids. I don’t treat people with different beliefs like pariahs. And most of all, I stand up for people who can’t stand up for themselves. When was the last time you stood up for what was right, John? You ever stand up for Harper?”
We stared at each other for a long time.
“It was her word against his,” he hissed. “Anyone, anywhere, for any reason, can say I molested them. Or you. Or anyone else. We weren’t in the room. How can you destroy a young man’s life without proof?”
“Kristy was eight, Johnny.” My voice cracked a little. “Eight. He was eleven. She cried and told me every detail of what he did to her. I didn’t understand it at the time because I was only eight and didn’t know anything about sex, but her tears were real. Her fear was real. And he kept doing it. For years. You can’t make that shit up.”
He dipped his head. “I didn’t know. I swear to you, I thought she was making it up for attention.”
“She wasn’t the only one. Abbi Cantor. Louann Malloy. Barbie Sue Fowler. And Harper.”
John sucked in a breath but remained stoic.
“But Kristy was the only one who spoke up because they were all scared, and they didn’t have me to protect them.”
“It was years ago,” he said finally. “What does that have to do with now? I didn’t know what was going on back then.”
“You knew. You just didn’t want to believe it.”
“Maybe.” He lifted one shoulder. “But how can you judge what you think goes on back home when you’re doing the same damn thing? You’re married, and you just admitted you have a girlfriend.”
I blew out a breath. “Kristy and I have been legally separated for years.” He didn’t deserve to know the details; they were none of his business.
That seemed to knock the wind out of his sails, and he sank onto the nearest bench, resting his elbows on his thighs. “I didn’t know that.”
“You guys need to take this somewhere else,” Anton said, finally stepping in. “I think Coach held an impromptu presser to distract any journalists who were still here, but this isn’t the place for this conversation.”
“You should go,” I said to John. “You’ve done enough damage for one night.”
He frowned, shaking his head. “We have a lot of things to sort out if you’re so inclined. But I didn’t know anything about your… girlfriend until you told me. So whatever it is you think I told her, I didn’t. I didn’t know there was anything to tell.”
At this point, he had no reason to lie, and I was even more panicked now than I’d been before. And I’d wasted all this time arguing with him instead of getting to Eden and making sure she was okay. I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion and wound up starting a whole shit show for nothing.
Dammit.
27
Eden
The only way I could describe the way I felt after I hung up with my mother was numb. I’d been through something like this twice before, but this time was different because I refused to believe it. Decker wasn’t like the others, and we had something special. Until I heard the words out of his mouth, I couldn’t believe he was married. It was insanity.
Hell, my whole life had become insanity.
If Decker was married, I might have to consider becoming a nun.
I wasn’t sure I could take another blow like this.
We hadn’t known each other long, but I’d fallen hard and fast. And what I felt for Decker was different than the love I’d had for Josef or Lawrence. Josef had been my first everything. We’d been sixteen when we started dating, it was puppy love. Lawrence had been my first grown-up relationship. A real man with a successful career, money, and charm.
Decker was the real deal.
He had to be.
At least that was what I kept telling myself.
But why hadn’t he shown up yet?
Most of the other players were already here, but Decker, Anton, and Jean-Michel were suspiciously missing. Something had to be going on. And that wasn’t a good sign.
“Try not to worry,” Daisy said softly, rubbing my arm. “Jean-Michel texted to say Decker and his brother got into it in the locker room.”
“Got into it how?”
“Like, throwing punches.” Daisy was whispering.
“Throwing punches?” My eyes widened.
What the hell was happening?
“There he is.” Daisy nudged me.
I walked down the hall toward Decker and noticed the cut on his lip immediately. Before I could stop myself, I reached for him. “What happened to your lip?”
“Doesn’t matter.” His face was tight. “Listen, I have to talk to you.”
I stared at him, my heart suddenly sinking.
It was true.
Just looking into his eyes, I knew.
“Is it true?” I whispered, my eyes never leaving his, daring to hope against all hope. “Are you married?”
He sighed. “It’s not that simple. It’s not what—”
“Don’t you dare say it’s not what it seems,” I hissed, the first inkling of rage beginning to boil inside of me. “Just answer the question. Yes or no.”
We stared at each other far too long.
“Yes.”
My fingers itched to slap him, but I wouldn’t give him—or the dozens of people milling about all around us—the satisfaction.
“I trusted you.” I wouldn’t make a scene, but I’d be damned if I didn’t let him know how much this betrayal hurt.
“I know. If you’ll let me explain—”
“There is no explanation. You knew what I’ve been through, and you let me…” I let my voice trail. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t worth it. I refused to let him see me cry or scream or react at all. He didn’t deserve that kind of emotion. I’d save the breakdown of my soul for later when I could mourn in private.
Right now, all I had left was my dignity.
Last time this has happened I’d cried and screamed and raged.
Never again.
I would never let another man see he’d broken me.
Because I was better than this.
“Eden?” Decker reached for me, but I took a step back.
“Don’t touch me. I’m giving you the courtesy of not making a scene in front of your friends, teammates, and co-workers, so you be a gentleman and let me go without a word.”
“Eden.” He didn’t try to touch me but moved closer, leaning over to whisper, “I’m sorry. It’s not what you’re thinking. We’re legally separated, and I can—”
“No. Don’t.” I took a shaky breath. “You lied. You knew what my hard line was, what I’ve been through, and you did the exact same thing. You know the old saying, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I don’t think they even have a line for fooling me a third time. And you did. I bared my soul, and you let it burn.”
“Eden, please.” He looked almost as broken as I felt, but I couldn’t forgive him.
Forgive this.
I could have forgiven him anything but this.
“Goodbye, Decker.”
I walked back to where Daisy was standing with Jean-Michel.
“Can you take me home?” I whispered. “Please? I have to get out of here.”
“It’s true?” Daisy gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth as I nodded.
“Please, can we go?”
“Of course.” She whispered something to Jean-Michel and then laced her fingers through mine as we walked past and down the hallway.
Decker just stood there, watching us, his eyes pleading with me.
I didn’t know what he wanted; what he could possibly think I had left to say to him.
“Eden.” He walked down the hall behind us, his voice low. “Eden, wait. Please.”
I stopped walking but didn’t turn around. “What?”
“This isn’t the time or place, but could we please talk?”
I took a shaky breath and slowly expelled it. “No.”
Daisy opened the exit door, and we stepped out into the night without another word.
If my house in Manchester had seemed cold and lonely before, it was a veritable crypt of sadness now. I wouldn’t be here long, but even one day felt like too many. It had been three days since I’d found out Decker was married, but I hadn’t given myself time to grieve or cry or even think about it. I had to pack up my things to move to the US and officially start my new job.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew everything going on would eventually catch up with me, but I’d been serious when I’d said I refused to let another man break me. My heart, yes. No doubt that was shattered into a billion tiny shards of regret, but the rest? No fucking way. I’d miss him, and it would be uncomfortable being in Vegas at first, but I had plenty to look forward to. My parents had already told me to take whatever money I needed from the account I had access to. They’d set it up for emergencies when I’d been at the university in Switzerland, but I hadn’t touched it since graduation.
I’d use it now to buy what I needed to get settled somewhere. My father had insisted renting was a waste of money, and he and my mother had offered to lend me the money for a down payment on a condo or something. I didn’t want to have to rely on Daisy or anyone else, but I’d continue staying with her and Jean-Michel until I found something that met my needs.
Renee had been gracious about my going away for a week or two to pack up my things in England and spend a few days with Zoe in Switzerland. Then I’d come home and get to work, ready for a completely fresh start. Again.
For the third time in less than two years, I was starting over.
The first time had been the new and final semester of university, after my break-up with Lawrence. The second had been when I’d decided to stay in Vegas to start a new job and a relationship with Decker. This time would be to start life on my own as a post-college graduate adult.
Adulting.
That sounded hard and exciting and like an adventure.
Except it wasn’t the adventure I’d been hoping for.
I sighed, sealing a box of favorite books and photo albums Mrs. Bengston was going to ship to me. I was bringing three large suitcases and two manageable carry-ons home with me, shipping four boxes, and making a massive pile of things to be donated. Not to mention the bags of rubbish I’d filled. I’d come back occasionally, of course, but I had clothes and shoes from over the years I’d never wear again, old cards and letters I had no reason to save, and a handful of random items I’d somehow collected I didn’t need.
My phone buzzed, and I glanced at yet another text from Decker.
I hadn’t blocked him because I hadn’t gone through the grieving process yet. At some point, I would cry and feel sorry for myself and whatnot, and I’d potentially need those messages as a final goodbye.
Maybe not, but I didn’t know exactly what I was going to need to get through this, which was why I’d been putting it off.
I’d never been able to compartmentalize anything in this way before, so I had a feeling a big crash was coming, but I had things to do. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. I was lucky to have parents and friends who were there for me, and I planned to lean on them, so for now I was operating on autopilot.
“Miss Walsh, will you be needing anything else today?” Our housekeeper, Mrs. Bengston, came into my room and picked up the massive bag of rubbish I’d left by the door.
“Oh, no. Thank you, Mrs. Bengston.” I smiled at her. “I’ll be leaving in the morning, so I won’t upset your routine anymore.”
“It’s quite all right. It’s a bit… lonely here sometimes.” She looked around my now almost empty bedroom. “Seems I’ll be gone before anyone in the family ever lives here again.”
I opened my mouth, unsure what to say. “Well, you can always come to the U.S. and take care of me,” I quipped, trying to lighten the mood. “But the house I buy won’t be nearly this grand.”
“I would if you needed me too,” she said in a quiet voice. “It’s nice to be needed.”
“I… well, unfortunately, I don’t think I could afford to have you,” I said honestly. “As lovely as it sounds.”
“Your grandfather’s trust left enough money to take care of me for the rest of my life, whether I’m here or anywhere else. I had the option to go with your parents, but I thought I’d be happier here in my home. Now it appears I’m getting less sentimental and more practical as I get older. Human beings were not meant to be alone.”
“Don’t you have a family?” I had to admit I didn’t know much about her since I’d only lived here a few months.
“My husband passed when we were young, and I never remarried or had children. My parents are long gone, and my sister’s children are grown now. This—” She spread her hands. “Has been my family.”
Great. Now on top of everything else, a guilt trip.
“Mrs. Bengston, if you’d like to move to America to take care of the modest home I buy, you’re more than welcome to. I’m just not sure it’s what you’re used to.”
“I believe I could get used to a new place and routine.” She waved a hand. “But I am obviously never going to get used to this loneliness. I thought staying in England was the right choice, but perhaps I was wrong.”
“I don’t have a home or a place for you to live or anything,” I said at last. “However, once I’m back in Vegas and have begun the process of house hunting, I’ll reach out, and we can have another conversation. You can come for a visit before you commit to anything.”
“This is acceptable. Thank you.” She bowed her head and then quietly left the room.
Well, I hadn’t been expecting that and wasn’t sure how it would work in the States. Did people who weren’t extremely wealthy have housekeepers? Daisy and Jean-Michel had a cleaning service, yard service, pest control service, and a million other services, but they were mostly nameless, faceless entities that came and went doing specific tasks. Mrs. Bengston would be there all the time. Cooking, doing light cleaning, and overseeing things. My life as a single woman living in a two-bedroom condo or something would not be conducive to full-time help.
I’d have to talk to my parents about this because while the idea of bringing her with me sounded exciting in theory, but it probably wasn’t practical. Unless my parents had arranged this as a way to keep tabs on me? They could seal up the house and pay a service to keep up with maintenance; they didn’t need someone to live here.
Christ. I couldn’t think about all that now.
I had to keep moving, or I’d crawl into bed and not get up for a year.
Maybe never.
28
Decker
I’d never taken a leave of absence from hockey before. I’d never even had to take more than game or two off for the flu or an injury. Yet, here I was, in freakin’ February, in Michigan, trying to keep the pieces of my life from being irreparably damaged. Things back home were an absolute disaster. Coach was ready to trade me, my friends were both hurt and confused that I’d kept such a secret, and the press was having a field day.
My fight with John, the break-up with Eden, and my marital status were all over the sports news pages. And while I felt horrible about all of that, short-term I was more worried about Kristy. I wanted to talk to Eden and try to work things out, but right now my best friend needed me. We’d made the sacrifices we’d made to protect her secret.
And she’d made the impromptu decision to come out.
I’d gotten here as quickly as I could, even though it would probably mean the Sidewinders were going to trade me. I couldn’t help that, though. Hockey was important, but the people I considered family came first. Always.
