Wait for Always, page 13
“Text me when you’re home.”
I laughed. “Will do, Dad.”
Derek shot Ash another alarmed look before relenting. He clearly wanted to get Marley home more than he wanted to watch whether or not Ash was going to do something stupid.
“Come on. Your place isn’t far.”
Ash slung an arm around my waist, and we walked through City Market. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me too. Even if UNC did lose.”
Ash laughed. “Best part of my day.”
I rolled my eyes at him. The Duke-UNC rivalry was legendary, and my entire family had gone to UNC. My mom and dad had met there. Derek had played basketball there. I had been born and raised a UNC fan while Ash had gone to Duke, just like his father before him. Even though it wasn’t my alma mater, we still had the rivalry going. And UNC had had a devastating defeat in football earlier that evening. Which made Ash’s birthday.
We chatted the rest of the way to Ash’s house. I was glad that he lived so close to town. Though I could see how that was a problem for his drinking. It was probably why he knew all the bouncers and bartenders at every place we’d gone to tonight. If I hadn’t seen a glimpse of the real Ash come out tonight, I would have been more worried.
This much drinking wasn’t good under any circumstances. I had no idea how he was surviving at his job right now. I wanted to say something, but not on his birthday.
“Hey, Mia,” he said as we reached the front door. “You should come in.”
“I will help you inside.”
He grinned devilishly as he took my hand and pulled me up the sidewalk to the front door. I shook my head at that look. He was literally drunk as shit and still flirting with me.
Ash fumbled with the key. Finally, I took it out of his hand and opened the door for him. He threw it wide and tugged me toward the entrance. I held my ground.
“Actually, I’m going to call an Uber and head home.”
Ash gave me a charming look. “No. Come on. Just stay.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” he asked, reaching for me again. He slipped an arm around my waist and pushed me against the doorframe.
“Ash,” I whispered, my heart racing ahead of me. I didn’t want this. Not like this. Not ever again. “You need to stop. You’re drunk.”
“Mia …” He brushed my hair out of the way and smiled down at me. “I’m not that drunk.”
I laughed and removed his hands from me. “You are. And I should head home.”
He grabbed my hand before I could walk away. “Please stay. Come inside and have a drink with me.”
“I can’t,” I said, my voice finally wavering.
If Ash had been asking this while sober, if things had been different, I didn’t know if I would have been able to turn him down over and over again. Because even though this wasn’t happening between us, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want it to. I just wanted him to be past all of this. I wanted him to be past Lila. But he wasn’t, and until he was, it wasn’t fair to me.
“You can.” He brushed a kiss to my hand. I tugged it back, but then he stepped forward and ran his hand up into my hair. I tilted my head up to look at him. “I want this, Amelia. I know you want this too.”
Then, he kissed me.
And oh, how I wanted that kiss to be real. For it to mean something. But it didn’t. It just … didn’t.
“No,” I said, pushing him backward a step.
He blinked at me in shock. “Amelia … I …”
“No,” I repeated roughly. “No, you don’t get to just kiss me whenever you want. I can’t be used to forget her, Ash. You can use everyone else that way, but not me. Not again.”
“Mia, I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes losing the cloudiness of the alcohol as he realized he’d overstepped.
“Maybe you are, but you need to stop it, Ash. You need to stop drinking this much and fucking around this much. You need to see someone about what happened. You need help,” I said, my voice breaking on the last word. “I’m your friend. I’ll always be your friend, but I can’t be more until you’re better. Until you’re … over her.”
He nodded once. His jaw clenched and his hands fisted. I could see it clear as day on his face. He wasn’t ready for any of this. He’d just wanted to have fun, but I couldn’t let him hurt me again like he had in New York. I wouldn’t do it.
“Happy birthday, Ash,” I said and then turned and walked away.
19
Savannah
December 25, 2020
Kathy was still dressed to the nines.
The annual Ballentine Christmas party had been canceled. It felt wrong not to celebrate the way we always had, but big parties weren’t exactly done this year.
I was in a silky red dress that I’d designed but barely sold any of. I was drinking out of a flute of champagne, sitting on a velvet chair, as Kathy stared up at the Christmas tree. Christmas music filtered in through the sound system. Derek was still in Atlanta with Marley. They’d decided against driving down for the holiday. The holiday was sort of sad.
My dad appeared then in a tuxedo, and Kathy’s face lit up as bright as the tree.
“Shall we?” he asked.
Then, he held his hand out, and she took it. He swept her up in his arms, and they moved around the room effortlessly. I could imagine the crowds around them, the laughter and entertainment. But this Christmas, it was just the three of us. I’d dumped my boyfriend a few weeks ago after he made fun of me for not wanting to take a real vacation this year. He was the third this year, and I couldn’t bring myself to get back on dating apps. Why were all the men on them terrible?
“Come on, Amelia,” my dad said, holding his hand out for me.
“I’m good.”
He arched an eyebrow. “One dance for your old man?”
Eighteen-year-old Amelia would have laughed and let her daddy take her around the room. She hadn’t quite despised him yet. But … I just couldn’t have it.
“Hard to be festive,” I said as I came to my feet. “I’m going to the library.”
My dad sighed and glanced down. “All right. Love you, honey.”
“Love you too,” I said as I retreated.
I caught Kathy’s disapproving look, but she’d asked me to come over. We’d had dinner. I’d kept it together that long. I didn’t want to dance around with him too. I should have gone home, but the library was tradition.
I snuck inside and was surprised to find the light already on. And not just that … the double doors that led to the outside had been cracked open. Alarms went off in my head, and I reached for the handle again. But then I saw who had entered our home.
“Jesus Christ, Ash, you scared the shit out of me.”
Ash stepped forward with a laugh. “Sorry. Sorry! I thought you’d already be here when I got in and I could tap on the glass to get your attention. Then, it was too cold. Do you remember last Christmas was, like, seventy? And this Christmas, it’s only thirty-four.”
I released all my anxiety and slumped back against the door. “Well, at least you’re not an actual intruder.”
“I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Oh, I’m surprised,” I said with a shaky laugh. “I thought you were going to kill me.”
He laughed. “Someone has been staying up too long, watching true crime documentaries again.”
“Guilty,” I admitted with a laugh. “They’re relaxing!”
“And look where that gets you. Jumping at shadows.”
“Okay, but you were actually there. So, not just a shadow.”
“Fine, fine,” he said, producing a bottle of champagne and offering it to me. “I took this from my dad. You know it’s tradition.”
“I thought this was the year where we skipped all traditions.”
He winked at me. “Not this one.”
He popped open the bottle of champagne and handed it to me. It was as cold as it was outside and tasted smooth all the way down.
“That’s the good stuff.”
I offered it back to him, and he took a long sip himself. The last year had been … unprecedented. While it had been eighteen months since the wedding, we’d all been cooped up for a lot longer. I hadn’t even seen much of Ash all year. Truthfully, I hadn’t seen much of anyone.
He looked … good. Okay, I was lying. He looked amazing. Like he’d been working out. His shoulders were broader in his suit. His waist tapered to perfection. The sharp cut of his jaw was somehow even more defined. Like he’d lost some weight … or stopped drinking. Well, at least stopped drinking to excess constantly.
“You seem different,” I admitted.
“Aren’t we all?”
“True.” I took another sip from the bottle.
“How’s the shop?”
I shrugged. “Slow.”
“It’ll pick back up.”
I nodded. I sure fucking hoped so. I couldn’t keep living like this. Not with a small business in a tourist town with no tourists.
The silence stretched as we passed the bottle back and forth. But it was a comfortable silence. I didn’t feel like I had to say anything here with Ash. Not as he perused my father’s shelves while I lay back on the chaise. It was quiet and relaxed.
Ash moved away from the shelves and came to stand by my chaise. I passed him the bottle of champagne, which he took and set on a table.
He offered me his hand. “Dance with me.”
I put my hand in his and let him pull me up. It felt like ages since we’d danced.
“Proper waltz or nothing, Mr. Talmadge.”
He smiled at my behavior, and I saw the Ash I’d always known in that look. “As you wish.”
The Christmas music was barely loud enough to reach the library, and we twirled around anyway, occasionally bumping into a desk or a chair. We just laughed through it. And for a moment, I felt like we were kids again. Just acting up and being silly together. No expectations. None of the years of problems that we’d dealt with.
“I missed you,” Ash finally said when the dance ended.
“I missed you too.”
“We should start to see more of each other.”
“Is that allowed?” I teased.
“Lunch,” he suggested.
“I’d like that.”
It had been so long since things had felt normal. I liked that they were starting to feel that way with Ash again. He seemed to be on the up and up after what had happened. The world seemed to be going gradually back to how it used to be. Maybe it’d never be the same, but at least better than it had been.
Ash opened his mouth like he was going to say more, but loud noises from the living room stopped him. “What’s that?”
“I have no idea,” I said.
I pushed out of his arms and headed toward the door. I strode out into the hallway with Ash on my heels. The voices became clearer, and I broke into a smile.
“Surprise,” Derek said with a laugh.
Kathy gasped and said something that didn’t quite reach us. My dad’s own booming welcome was heard loud and clear.
“I didn’t think you were coming,” Kathy said with even more excitement.
It was Marley who responded, “We hitched a ride with Lila and Cole. Decided to surprise her mom too.”
Well, fuck. Lila and Cole. What terrible timing.
Ash skidded to a halt in the hallway just as I reached the entrance.
Marley caught sight of Ash, and color drained from her face.
“Ash,” Derek said. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“We didn’t know either,” Kathy said. She raised an eyebrow at me. “Well, come on in. You’re practically family.”
I took a deep breath before turning back to look at Ash. Whatever our conversation had been in the library, all of his ease had disappeared. I hadn’t exactly expected us to start dating or anything, but I’d thought maybe eighteen months was long enough that he’d be able to hear her name … or Cole’s name. But no …
It was still too soon. He’d gone years and years without ever seeing Lila and still chosen her. What was eighteen months in the grand scheme of things?
I didn’t expect him to want me. Not after everything. But I’d hoped for his sake that he’d let go.
“I’m actually going to head home. I just wanted to say merry Christmas,” he said, forcing a smile.
“You don’t have to leave,” I said quickly.
“Stay,” Derek encouraged. “It’s the holiday.”
Marley bit her lip and looked like she wanted to say more, but she didn’t. She had been there at the very beginning of Lila and Ash’s ill-fated relationship. She probably knew best that the whole thing was a lost cause.
“No, thank you, but I’m going to go. I’m sure my parents want to see me.” He nodded at us.
“We’re still on for lunch?” I asked.
Ash’s gaze met mine, and there was a crack in the ice. Like I’d reached him somehow. He smiled at me and nodded. “Yeah. Lunch. I’ll come by the store.”
“Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, Mia.”
It wasn’t until he was gone that we all blew out a breath.
Marley reached for me and pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry. I had no idea he was here.”
“Not your fault.”
Derek crossed his arms. “He should be able to hear her name.”
“He’s still not over her,” I announced.
“No,” Marley said. “Do we think he ever will be?”
Derek shrugged. “Maybe when Lila and Cole get married.”
“Is that happening soon?” I asked with wide eyes.
“I’m surprised it hasn’t already happened,” Marley said. “But I don’t have any idea what Cole is planning.”
“I’ll have to tell Ash when that happens,” Derek said with a grimace. “That will be a fun day.”
“He’ll be all right,” Marley said.
But I had doubts. Ash had come a long way from the alcoholic that I’d known after the wedding, but I wasn’t sure he’d ever be okay with Cole and Lila together. I’d hoped he’d be able to hear her name without disappearing. I’d hoped he’d moved on more than this. But I had just been kidding myself.
We could be friends, but nothing more. I wasn’t going to ever get my hopes up again.
20
Savannah
June 19, 2021
“Wait, what?” I demanded of my brother over the phone.
“Cole proposed to Lila.”
He’d called me while I was getting ready for Josie’s party to discuss our upcoming sailing trip. I’d been expecting that we’d divvy up who was bringing what … not this.
“Why are you telling me this? Does Ash know? We’re all going out tonight, Derek! I don’t keep secrets from him.”
Over the last six months, things had changed with me and Ash. We weren’t dating. I’d deny it to my grave, and Josie had basically asked me enough to make me feel like I might have to defend it that far. But we’d started to hang out all the time. We did lunch at least once a week. We went to the beach sometimes. We started going out with mutual friends. We’d gone to a party at the start of the summer, where I met my childhood star crush. Ash had kept his arm around me half the night. And still … we weren’t dating. Even if all signs pointed toward that.
Now, this?
Right when everything was going so well.
“I’m going to tell him after we sail up to Charleston.”
Derek, Ash, Marina, and I were all going to get on Derek’s boat and sail up the Intercoastal Waterway. It was our big planned trip. We’d been talking about it forever. How was I supposed to be with Ash for that much time and not have him know something was off?
I put my head in my hand. “Oh my God, you told me before we go sailing. We’re all going to be on the boat for three days together. Why did you do this to me?”
Derek sighed. “Just keep it together. It’ll be fine. I’ve known for weeks.”
“Weeks?” I squeaked. “And you didn’t tell him?”
“None of us even want him to know.”
“None of us? Who knows?”
Derek groaned. “Well, me, Mars, Josie, and Maddox were all there when it happened.”
“Josie knows? Jesus. We’re going to her party tonight.”
“I know. I know. Just don’t say anything. What the fuck is he going to do if he finds out? Is he going to show up at their wedding?”
I froze at those words. I hadn’t even gotten that far. I’d just been worried about him spiraling again. “Fuck.”
“Exactly.”
Fucking fuck.
“I hate you right now,” I grumbled.
“But you won’t say anything?”
“No.”
And I hated agreeing with every fiber of my being.
I should have told Ash when he came to pick me and Marina up for the party. I was nervous, keeping things from him. I’d never done it before. I’d always been the only one who told him the truth. Fuck.
But I’d promised Derek. So, I reached for a pageant smile and got in his car and headed to the venue. It was the wrap party for Josie’s Academy movie. Ash had reserved the space for her on River Street. It was surprising that they were getting along when I’d only ever seen some sort of general animosity between them.
Ash seemed happier than normal when we reached the party. He put an arm around my waist and walked onto the rooftop bar with me. I wasn’t his date … but I wasn’t not his date. The whole thing hadn’t been confusing. Now, I wasn’t entirely sure where we stood.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Fine.”
“You seem jumpy.”
I flashed him a smile. “Just happy for Josie and Maddox.”
“They look happy,” he agreed, seeing my friend and her boyfriend across the room.
“I’ll invite them to sit with us.”
“Sure. Let me grab drinks.”
I sighed when he left, and Marina shot me a look.
“What is going on with y’all?”
