The Summer List, page 16
"What took you so long? Three people have already died, and we're almost out of cheese puffs," Nate says when I enter the tent.
"Sorry. Bathroom." I pass Nate his water and prop up a few pillows to lean against the end of the bed.
"Take these before I eat them all." Nate passes me the bag of cheese puffs, and I get cozy under a blanket. "I can't believe you like movies like this." Nate distorts his face in horror.
"I don't really. Natalie and I don't actually watch the movies during the marathon."
"I’m noticing a trend with this list. You know I could be convinced to do other things too," Nate says, sliding closer to me.
"Down boy." I push him back down to the ground.
I soak up his smile. Devour the glow in his eyes and the slight crinkle of his nose. It doesn’t seem real. Maybe it’s not. Perhaps I’m living in some dream world.
When I was in seventh grade, this was my fantasy. My wildest dreams. I wanted Nate Harris to notice me. To talk to me. To think of me.
I would come over after school with Natalie and pray there would be a reason for us to be in the same room together. I just wanted to be close to him.
"What are you going to tell Nat? She'll be back in a couple of weeks." Nate lays on his side, resting his head on his hand. His legs stretched out past the tent walls.
I roll over on my side and prop myself up on my elbow. "I think you mean what are we going to tell Nat. And we'll tell her the truth."
"And what's that exactly?" Fear sweeps over him, and his face pales.
Truth.
One of the scariest words in the dictionary.
“That you finally admitted you’ve been secretly pining over me. I felt so sorry for you that I had no choice but to give in to your pursuits.”
“You felt sorry for me, huh?” Nate pushes off his elbows and moves closer to me. “No choice?”
His stare is a command to lay down. I obey. He takes a loose piece of my hair and twirls it in his fingers before tucking it behind my ears.
“No choice.” My chest heaves under the weight of him.
I return the favor and comb my fingers through his hair. There is always the one unruly curl in the front—my favorite.
My hand creeps to the back of his neck and pulls him closer.
Nate gasps, and I feel a thrill inside of me from my bold move. The proof that I have a morsel of control against him. Even when I feel myself spiraling.
Forehead to forehead, I whisper. “The truth is I don’t know what it is I feel when I’m with you. Sometimes I feel chaos. I feel like I’m standing inside a tornado, and all my emotions are whipping around me. I don’t know which one I should hold on to.”
Nate grabs my hand and makes slow circles with his thumb. I steel myself against his touch before I continue. “Then sometimes I feel steady. Anchored. Brave. Whole. The truth is I’m scared.”
“Absolutely terrified.” He whispers back. “Thank you.” He says after a while.
“For what?”
He pulls back and looks into my eyes. “For sharing with the class.” His dimples explode from his cheeks, and I’m whirling.
Before I can compose myself, he sears me with a kiss. He doesn’t have to tell me what his truth is. I feel it. It’s intense. It burns.
"Go on a date with me," Nate says as he pulls away.
"What?"
"A date. A real one. I want to take my girlfriend on a real date." Did he just say girlfriend? Chaos. One word, girlfriend, and I feel the devastation he can cause. "Well, will you go?"
"Yes.” He leans in for another kiss and then turns back towards the movie.
"A real one. No running through the backyard crap. I'll pick you up and come to the front door."
"Oh wow. The front door. Pulling out all the stops." I tease, watching him. He is twisting his face in a new direction every time someone gets sliced on the screen.
I can’t lose this.
I can’t lose him.
Not again.
Just when I think I might lose myself. I am spinning in my doubts and fears of what could go wrong. Nate takes my hand in his.
Steady.
Anchored.
Brave.
Whole.
21
mackenzie
"Come in!" I yell from my bed.
"Hey," Cindy says. I slip my necklace under my shirt. I don’t want her to see it yet. My eyes widen when she walks in the door. "Don't you dare say anything." She warns. "I know I'm huge. And I still have a month to go." Cindy waddles across the room and plops down in my chair.
"You look great."
"You're a bad liar," she says, narrowing her eyes at me. "Was that Nate I saw in the garage?"
"I hope so. If not, we should probably call the police." I keep my eyes glued to the television and my hand in the bag of chips on my bed.
"Funny. How's that going?"
"Fine. I think Nate is making progress. If his dad keeps helping him on the weekends, maybe a few more weeks."
"That's great, but it's not what I was referring to. I mean, how's it going with you and Nate?"
"Who said anything was going on between the two of us?"
"Mackenzie, honey, I'm not an idiot. I was a teenage girl once before. If there were a hot guy in my garage all summer, there would be something going on."
I turn the television off and wipe the chip dust from my hands. "He kissed me," I say, sitting up in the bed. I purposely leave out details. She hasn’t earned them.
"Ha! I knew it!" She claps her hands together to celebrate her excellent detective work. "And..."
"And what? We're going out on a date tomorrow night. That's pretty much the story."
"So, you like him?"
Like is the most inadequate word for how I feel about Nate.
"I do." I bite my lip, debating how much I want to reveal to her.
Natalie and I tried talking to her about boys once. We thought she would be easier to talk to and answer our questions—a better option than her mom.
We were wrong.
Now though, I need her. Cindy has been through this before. She met Marc at a grief support group. Cindy learned to let someone love her. She dropped her walls for Marc completely. I need to know how she knew it was the right time.
"I feel a but coming on." Cindy pulls a pillow from behind her back in an attempt to get more comfortable. I’m not sure that’s possible at this point of pregnancy.
"But, how do I know I'm ready for a serious relationship?"
"I can't answer that for you. Every relationship is different. What is holding you back? If he's putting pressure on you to do anything, I'll-" Cindy puffs her cheeks and blows air out of her nose.
"He's not. It's not that. Nate is one of the good ones." Not that I've had any experience with bad ones. Or any experience at all, for that matter.
"It's just." I let out a sigh and continued. "I keep having these thoughts that something could happen to him. They make me question my choices. What if something bad happens to him? I don't think I can handle losing someone I love again."
"So you love him?” Shit. “You should talk to someone about it." So helpful. I knew this was a mistake.
"I'm talking to you." I scoot myself around to face her. I want to will her to talk to me. I need her right now. For once in your life, Cindy, be here for me. Please.
"Yeah, well, I'm not exactly good at this kind of stuff. I'm better at saying goodbye than I am at sticking around." I'm aware.
"But you stayed with Marc. Look at you. You're engaged. You're having a baby. How did you do it?"
This is not the same Cindy that I lived with for eight years. I study her as she stares down at her belly. She moves her hands until she feels the baby kick.
The Cindy I know didn’t care about anyone but herself. She didn’t let anyone close to her. She was Alcatraz. Her prison full of fury, grief, and pain.
But she gave Marc a key and let him in.
"Marc was probably the last person I should have gotten in a relationship with. He was dealing with his own crap. His wife died. He was a single dad with two young children." Cindy looks up and locks eyes with me. Her blue eyes are glistening from being on the verge of tears. "Then there was me. I was a complete shit show." She takes a deep breath before continuing.
"It took us a while to get where we are now. I think I was at the group for two years before we even went out for coffee. Marc took his time. He had the boys to think about."
"And you had me to consider." I couldn't help myself. I shouldn't push her buttons, but I'm angry about everything still. Ninety percent of my childhood memories are of her being drunk or completely absent.
"I did consider you." I tighten my lips to keep myself from saying anything else. "Our relationship wasn't perfect. Marc and I fought a lot. I slipped up and went back to the bottle. The boys hated me. You name it; we went through it."
"But you stayed together." I don't know if I'm impressed by her commitment or even more hurt because she couldn't stay committed to me.
"We did. Life is unpredictable. You know that better than anyone. If something were to happen, wouldn't you rather have spent the time with the people or person you love?"
"Tennyson."
"Huh?"
"You just reminded me of a quote. Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Alfred Lord Tennyson."
I repeat her words in my head again. Wouldn’t you rather have spent time with the people or person you love?
“Is that what you chose to do?” I ask with shaky hands.
“Huh?”
“You asked me if I would rather spend time with the people I love. Is that what you did? Is that why you left me? To go to the people you love.”
“Mackenzie.” Her voice is barely a whisper. “I do love you. Very much.” My bottom lip quivers regardless of me biting down on it.
But you still left.
"Loving someone is hard. You become vulnerable when you share your weakness. They see all the dark, scary parts that you hide away. I let Marc in because he didn’t cower. He didn’t bend to my iron walls, and he didn’t try to break them. He sharpened them. He made me stronger than I was before but in a different way.”
“My advice if you really want it. Stop thinking. Enjoy it. The beginning of every relationship is the fun part."
"You aren't having fun anymore?" I ask.
"Ha. If you think fun is swimming in doctor bills and being crammed in a two-bedroom apartment. Then yes, we are having a blast!"
"Are you looking for a house?"
"Trying, but there isn't much available in our budget right now. I'm sure something will come up. We can keep the baby in our room for at least the first year. It will probably be easier anyway. It's fine. We will figure it out."
"I guess there is no point in telling you to move in here. There is plenty of room. The boys can each have a room down here with me. We can make a cute nursery upstairs. This house is-"
"This house is Mel's house. Not mine." I've never heard her call my mom Mel before. "I should get going."
"Whatever. Thanks for the advice." I go to the window and watch the rain drizzle into the pool.
"Please don't be mad at me. You don't understand."
"You're right. I don't understand." I don't understand why you left. I don't understand why you kept them from me. I don't understand why you won't come back. "Why don't you try explaining it to me?”
Cindy shifts forward in the chair and eases herself up. "I can't. Not right now." It's always the same thing with her.
"I'm not a child, you know," I say over my shoulder. "If I'm old enough to live here by myself, then I can handle whatever it is that keeps you away." Cindy is silent. She is pulling a photo off my wall.
"Where was this taken?" She asks, holding up the photo of me at the lake. The one where I caught my first fish. "Where was this picture taken?" She asks again with more urgency this time.
"The lake."
"I can see that. But which one?"
"I don't know. It's our family lake house. Nate and I have been going."
"You shouldn't be going there."
"Why? I own it. It's my property. I can do what I want," I say, snatching the photo out of her hands.
"I don't want you going back." She hesitates for a minute before adding. "It's not safe." Another lie to avoid the truth. She isn't ready to deal with her pain, so we all have to suffer with her.
"Well, I'm going back. I liked it there, and I think my parents did too. There's something about it. I'm going to keep going until I figure it out." I looked up from the photo, and Cindy was ghost white. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just be careful." Cindy gives me a hug which is entirely out of character for her. The last time she hugged me, she was on her apology tour when she started meetings. "Have fun on your date." Cindy is halfway out the door when she says, "If you need help getting ready, let me know. I know Nat usually helps you. I could do your hair and make-up. If you want."
I want to say no, but she is putting forth the effort, and I'm trying to do better too. Maybe this is the small step we need to start moving forward. "Sure. I would like that."
22
nate
Cindy's car is in the driveway when I pull up. I check my hair and my teeth in the rearview mirror. The flowers sitting in the passenger seat are a mix of lilies, peonies, daisies, and roses. I take them with me as I get out of the truck.
I pull at the collar of my button-down shirt and press out the wrinkles in my pants. I should never have let my mom talk me into this getup.
My argument:
It's Mackenzie. She's seen me all summer in rags. She won't care.
Her argument:
It's Mackenzie. She has seen me all summer wearing rags. And she will care.
Trust me, she said.
I bet Mackenzie will think I'm trying too hard or putting on a show to impress her. My mom said a girl needs that now and then. You need to show her she is worth the effort.
Mackenzie will probably be wearing cutoffs and a t-shirt, and I'll look like an idiot in my church clothes. I ring the doorbell despite my nerves.
"Hello Nate, come in. Mackenzie will be out in a minute. She's almost ready." Cindy's smile is approving as she takes in my outfit. That doesn't make me feel better. "Nice job with the flowers."
"Thanks." I put them on the empty bookshelf then wiped my sweaty palms against my pants.
"Relax. Do you need a glass of water or something?" She asks. I shake my head no. A piece of hair falls on my face, and I comb it back again with my fingers. I wish I had my hat right now.
Cindy stands in the hallway. A safe distance from me and the pile of boxes I'm leaning against. The door to Mackenzie's room clicks open. "She's coming," Cindy says, and I stand up straighter.
When Mackenzie enters the living room, everything blurs into the background. It's like I'm seeing her for the first time. She glides towards me in a floral spaghetti strap dress. There is a little cutout in the front, revealing a small diamond of skin. Her hair is in loose curls framing her face.
I thought nothing could top the way she looked the night she went out with Bob, Brian, whatever his name is. I was wrong. Mackenzie saved the best for me.
"You look nice." She says, brushing the top of my shoulders. I barely comprehend her words. I'm still processing how beautiful she looks. I can't take my eyes off her. "Cindy helped me with my hair and make-up." Mack smiles at her aunt.
"Uh-huh." Words Nate. Use words.
"Nate, maybe you should give her the flowers." Cindy points to the bookshelf.
"Right. Um." I grab the flowers from the shelf and hand them to her. "I didn't know which ones were your favorite. I got a little bit of everything."
"Thank you. They're beautiful." You're beautiful.
"Let me take those for you. I'll put them in water before I go." Mackenzie passes Cindy the flowers. "Alright, well. You two should get going. Nate, maybe you will learn how to talk again by the time you get to the restaurant."
"Huh? Yeah. Sounds good." I say, still staring at Mackenzie, who is hugging Cindy goodbye. Cindy whispers something in her ear that makes her tear up a little.
"Okay, you two. Have fun. Get out of here." Cindy says, holding the flowers in one arm like a baby and shoos us out with the other.
I let Mackenzie walk ahead of me, but I hurry to get the door open for her. "Thank you," she says with a smile that radiates through my entire body.
"Nate," Cindy says before I close the door behind me. "Drive safe." There is a panic in her eyes. The last time she said goodbye to someone leaving this house, they didn't make it back.
"I'll take care of her."
Mackenzie was waiting for me on the sidewalk. "Everything okay?" She asks.
"Yes." I take her hand and walk her to the car. I'm about to close the door, but I hesitate. "No. I should have said this earlier. You look beautiful."
Mackenzie looks down and then back to me. "Thanks." I lean in and kiss her on the cheek. I slap the hood of the truck as I walk around to my door. It's going to be the perfect night.
We were having dinner at the City Grill. It was a twenty-minute drive, but I wanted to take her somewhere a little nicer than Birdie's. The City Grill used to be an old warehouse. Now it's an open concept restaurant with brick walls, and exposed beams that are covered in strings of lights.
It was a packed restaurant for a Monday night. After a short wait, we were escorted to a small table in the corner. The table was set with two cloth napkins folded into fans. A small vase of flowers and tea lights were placed perfectly in the middle of the table.
The reflection of the flame dancing in Mackenzie's eyes reminded me of the night at the bluffs. Her eyes had a similar glow that night. That was the night I knew there was no turning back.
I finally start to relax once the waiter brought us our drinks.
“What did Cindy say to you before we left?” I ask, doubtful she will tell me.
Mackenzie took a sip of her sweet tea before answering. “She told me I looked beautiful like my mother.” Mack sits up straight and pushes her shoulders back before continuing. “She said she wishes they were here to see me. Then she also said not to do anything she wouldn’t do.”
