The Summer List, page 15
He's the one that's wrong. I need a fresh start with someone who doesn't know the Mackenzie before the accident. Ms. Crawford even said I am different now. Maybe I need someone different too.
I dig in the back of my closet and rummage through the dresses I never wear. I try on a few and settle for a navy floral dress. It's shorter than I remember, I think as I pull at the hem.
I do my best to braid my hair, but it's messier than usual. I need Natalie here to do it right. I wonder what she would say about this mess I’ve gotten myself into. She would tell me to follow my heart. But my heart is being careless. My heart is a selfish bitch. She is allowing Nate to poke holes through her armor.
My eyes are bloodshot from crying. I take a deep breath and calm myself before applying my mascara. I can't risk it running down my cheeks. Why am I so nervous? It's not like this is the first time I've hung out with Brandon alone. My hand is still shaking when I lift the wand to my eyelashes. Is this my heart’s way of telling my body Brandon isn't the one for me?
Careless. Selfish. Nate will crush you. Fight it.
Beside my jewelry box is the photo of Nate and me reading in my room. I don't remember this moment, but I did remember yesterday. I remember him pretending to read while he studied me instead. I remember stretching my legs out and accidentally brushing up against his. I remember every part of my body feeling alive.
I walk out of my room, ready as I'll ever be. I thought Nate would have left, but the garage light was seeping through the crack of the door. I can't go with him angry at me. I want him to be okay with this. I need him to understand.
Nate is under the hood checking the oil when I open the door. He looks good even in an old t-shirt covered in grime. And always with that dingy old hat.
"Hey," I say quietly, so I don't startle him. Nate didn't move. I walk down another step and say, "Nate, I-"
"What?" He cut me off. "I don't want to see you-" He stops talking when he tilts his head to look at me for the first time. When he stands up, he bumps his head on the hood of the truck. "Son of a-," he says, putting his hand on his head.
"You okay?"
"Mm-hmm." Nate's still holding the top of his head and checking me out at the same time.
"Don't laugh. I know I look stupid in the dress. I should change."
"Don't. You don't," Nate clears his throat. "Look stupid." Nate takes a step closer.
"I feel stupid. My hair is a mess. I wish Natalie were here. I could really use the confidence boost. Be Natalie for me. What would she say?"
Nate wipes his hands off in a rag and then tucks it in his back pocket. "I'm not Natalie," he says and slowly walks over to me. Nate places his palm on the small of my back and pulls me close to him. He brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes, grazing his thumb over my profile. His hand lands softly on my neck, and he presses his lips to mine.
I see stars. They shoot across the sky in rapid succession. My body burns as a wave of electricity runs through my veins. I have no control.
I wrap an arm around him and pull my body in even tighter. My other hand travels up his chest until it finds the back of his neck. I comb my fingers through his hair until he pulls away. My breath is ragged as I suck in the humid air stagnant in the garage.
Nate pulls the rag out of his pocket and wipes grease off my cheeks.
"Thanks." I rub my lips together to get the feeling back in them.
"I wish it was me."
"Nate... I..."
"It's fine. I understand."
"You do?"
"If this helps you figure things out, then I want you to go. It doesn't change how I feel about you. I lo-"
"Hello." A voice echoes from outside the garage. "I tried ringing the doorbell, but no one answered."
"Brandon. Hi," I say, backing away from Nate. "Sorry, I didn't hear you. Uh, this is my friend Nate."
"Hi," Nate says curtly.
"Hello," Brandon says, extending his left hand. Nate grips his hand tight and shakes it hard. Brandon wipes the grease residue off his hands with a handkerchief from his pocket, and Nate's eyes roll to the back of his head.
"Um, Nate is spending the summer fixing up this old truck."
"In your garage?" Brandon asks. "And your parents don't mind?" Nate's eyes dart to me.
"We should go," I say before Nate can open his mouth. "We'll talk later," I say to Nate. I walk away, still thinking of our kiss.
19
nate
I don't know what I was thinking kissing Mackenzie like that. The whole time she was getting ready, her words kept echoing in my head. I fell for you.
Then she was standing there in that dress. Something came over me. I couldn't stop myself. My feet were moving before I realized what I was going to do.
But she kissed me back. She pulled me in closer to her. And then she left with him. He doesn't know anything about her. This guy doesn't even know her parents are dead. I guess that is the appeal to her.
It’s the easy choice.
Mackenzie doesn't understand that her past is what makes her who she is. She can't forget them forever. Her parents are a part of her.
I know this because I know her. I know the Mackenzie before and the Mackenzie after.
And they are both beautiful.
Mackenzie has avoided the boxes in her living room for a month. How will she explain them to Mr. Becker Academy? And the empty house? And when he wants to meet her parents? Are they traveling the world? That would impress him, I'm sure.
Douchebag.
He had a fucking handkerchief.
I'm jealous. I'll admit that. This guy is ivy league, and I'm trade school. I have very little to offer her. But everything I have is hers for the taking.
Headlights shine over the mountain of boxes. I tuck myself in the corner of the kitchen. I don't want Mackenzie to think I'm spying on her. It's bad enough I've waited around for her.
The front door shuts, and the deadbolt locks. Mackenzie appears in the kitchen, and my mind goes blank. All the words I want to say escape me. She is about to open the garage door but then changes her mind and turns around.
"Shit! Why are you just standing there? You scared the crap out of me."
"Sorry. You were going to find me." I say with a smirk.
"No. I was going to take the trash cans up to the street, but then I remembered it wasn't trash night."
"Right. That was a close one." Mackenzie lowers a glare at me. "I better be going. It's been a day." I take a few steps towards the garage before Mackenzie reaches out for me. She slides her hand into mine, and my breath hitches.
"Please stay." She pleads. "How about ice cream on the porch?"
"You didn't get dessert on your date?"
"No. I was ready for the dinner to be over. We need to talk. Please."
I waited outside while Mackenzie changed and got the ice cream. She came out wearing an old t-shirt and gym shorts. And her hair was loosely wrapped on the top of her head in a bun. Remnants of blush still tinting her cheeks.
Beautiful.
Mackenzie passes me a pint of mint chocolate chip and a spoon and joins me on the couch.
"So," I say, not knowing how to start this conversation.
"So. Dinner was nice. Thanks for asking."
"Good. I'm glad," I say, taking an angry bite of mint chocolate chip.
"Are you?" She asks and then takes a big bite of her ice cream too.
"Not really. I wanted it to be terrible."
"Hmph." Mackenzie lifts her brows flirtatiously. "Well, it wasn't terrible." I stab my ice cream with the spoon. "But it wasn't great if it makes you feel better."
"A little," I say, lifting my brows. "Did it help you like you thought it would?"
"About that. I need you to understand. It isn't easy for me to let people in." I want to tell her I know, but I stay silent. "I think you know that. If Cindy taught me anything, it was how to build up walls around me so no one could hurt me. If I didn't love anyone, it wouldn't be painful to lose them."
"But you love Natalie?"
"I do."
"Why did you keep her close to you and not me?"
"I've been trying to figure that out. I thought high school pushed you and me apart. But something happened when my parents died. Natalie kept coming around, and you didn't. She helped me come up with the summer list, and you disappeared. I guess I decided you weren't someone I could count on," she says solemnly.
"I didn't disappear." I place my empty ice cream on the table and let out a deep sigh. "I didn't mean to, at least. I was sad. Your dad..." I look down at my hands as I wring them together. "He meant a lot to me. I've never admitted this before, but I think I loved him more than my own. When he died...I...I felt alone and angry. I didn't understand how you and Nat could be so happy all the time. The two of you were always off laughing and playing around. Checking things off your lists. I couldn't stand to be around you."
Tears are welling in her eyes. One false move and the damn she's been keeping patched together is going to burst. We both sit while crickets and frogs carry on the conversation for us.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know." Mackenzie stirs her melting ice cream. "I want to count on you now." Mack puts her ice cream on the table and scoots closer to me. I take her hands and hold them in my lap. "The past few weeks have been amazing. I don't want to lose that by moving too fast."
"So you want to stay friends."
"No. One thing I learned today is that you will never be just a friend to me again. There is no going back. But you are right about one thing."
"I am usually right about all things."
"I'm sure," Mack says, rolling her eyes. "You were right about this. I have to deal with my past if we are going to work. When you kissed me tonight. I felt something I've never felt before." Same. "It's not what you're thinking. I mean, I did feel that." Mackenzie drums her thumb on my knuckle. "When you kissed me, it's like my whole body woke up. I think it's been gradually happening the more time we spend together, but the kiss sent me into another dimension."
"I'm confused. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Honestly, I'm not sure—a little of both. I've been walking around numb for so long. When my parents died, I became a zombie. I allowed myself to forget about everything and everyone important to me because it was easier. I don't want to be like this anymore. I told you before I want to remember, but I'm also scared."
"What are you afraid of?"
"The unknown, I guess. I don't know what's going to happen once I start letting all the memories back in. What if it's too much? What if you..."
"I won't."
"But you might."
"I’m not going to quit on you. I told you I’m here. I’m not moving. You want someone to stick around when shit gets tough? I’m the fucking Grand Canyon remember? You can’t move me that easily. I’m not going anywhere."
Mackenzie's stare is deep, and I'm eager to dive in and let her consume me. The closer she gets, the more I struggle to control my breathing. She rests her hand on my chest, and they rise and fall together. Mackenzie playfully bumps her nose against mine. She exhales quietly before pressing her lips against mine this time.
"Just remember who kissed who first," I say before I kiss her again.
20
mackenzie
Nate and I went back to the lake house. It was different being here the second time. On this trip, when we drove up the long gravel drive, I took in every detail. I didn't want to miss something that might spark a memory.
I felt nothing.
We spent the morning lying on the dock, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I'm getting to know Nate all over again. I forgot how funny he was but also how serious he can be. I'm mad I've missed the last eight years with him. I'm angry I've forgotten the three years I did have with him.
Time has been stolen from me.
My parents have been stolen from me.
The hours passed as Nate shared his stories. I sat there soaking up him and the sun. I’m envious of how easy it is for him to talk about them. His memories of my parents are a continuum. One thought flows right into the next.
Before we left, Nate gave me a minute alone on the dock. I thought maybe if I was quiet enough, I would feel something. I thought perhaps I would feel them here like he does, but I didn't.
I felt nothing.
"How'd it go?" He asks.
"Fine. It doesn't feel any different."
"Maybe next time."
"Maybe." I lean against Nate and let him wrap his arms around me. He pulls me in tight and my back presses into his chest. "What do you think they were going to do with this place?" I ask, looking deep into the forest.
"No idea. Maybe the answer is in the pile of boxes at your house." I turn around and face Nate.
I like summer, Nate. He's always wearing t-shirts with the sleeves torn off and his hat. I like how his hair curls and licks up against the band of his hat. I like how his eyes turn this golden copper color when the sun hits them.
"Soon. I want to enjoy this, us, for a while." I take his hands and slide my fingers through his. "Is that okay?"
"Yes," he says and kisses the top of my hand. "We should get going. We're going to be late."
"We wouldn't want to miss the most epic water balloon fight ever."
"Hey, this is one thing on the list I've been looking forward to. Unless skinny dipping is back on the table. In that case, we can cancel and go do that right now," he says, walking back towards the lake.
"Not a chance Harris. Let's go!"
Even after a shower, my skin still looks like a kaleidoscope from the water fight. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be a good idea to put food dye in their balloons. Nate and I fought a good battle, but those kids were ruthless. We raised the flag and surrendered in under an hour.
Nate ate up every second of it, though. He ran at full speed to strike his targets while simultaneously dodging and ducking hits like a professional boxer. I think most of the kids gave up on him and went for an easier target. Me.
When I wasn't running for my life, I was having fun. With the backyard full of kids running around and having fun, I thought this is how it should be. This is what they would want.
They would want this house filled with people. With laughter. Not me all by myself. Cindy has to know this.
Did she really think her brother would want her to leave me alone without someone taking care of me?
I race up the steps to Nate's room with two grocery bags of snacks. I refuse to do movie and game nights without good munchies. The door is cracked open, but I still knock.
"Come in!" Nate yells from behind the door.
"What the-"
"Amazing, right?" Nate asks, clipping a sheet to the clothesline he has rigged across his room. "I made a fort."
"I see that. You did all this by yourself?" I put the grocery bags on Nate's bed and examined his work. He has two clotheslines going from one side of his room to the other. Thrown over the top are several large sheets held in place by clothespins.
"I did. Your shock insults me. I am a man of many talents,” he says with a devious grin and wink. “Look inside." I humor him and duck underneath the sheet. Inside, the floor is covered with pillows and blankets. Nate even strung twinkle lights on the inside. "The lights are from Natalie's room. I don't think she'll mind. Do you like it?"
"I do. It's incredible."
"What are we doing first? Video game or scary movie?"
"What do you think?" I ask, glaring at him.
"Fine. But you won't get out of playing," Nate says, pointing his finger at me.
"We'll see." I shrug and grab the snacks off Nate's bed and put them in the tent. "You pick the movie. I'm going to get us a few drinks. I'll be back."
"There's probably just water down there."
"That's fine. I have enough sugar in the bags already," I say and dip out of the room.
Nate’s dad is sitting at the dining room table eating a sandwich. "Hi," I say, passing him.
"Mackenzie," He says without looking up from his paper. "What are you and Nathan up to today? Or maybe I should I ask what you have already gotten into today."
"Oh, water balloon fight. The Miller boys put food dye in the balloons. We are already planning retribution.”
"Hmpf." Oh great. Not him too. What is the deal with the Harris men? "And now you are?"
"Watching movies, and if Nate gets his way, we will play some video games too. I came down to get a few drinks."
"Don't let me stop you," he says and goes back to his paper. I go to the fridge and get the water bottles. I am about to walk past the table and run up the stairs to Nate, but something in my gut has me frozen at the table. "Do you need something, Mackenzie?"
"No." I turn to leave and immediately turn back to him. "I don't know if you've heard, but I've been having small breakthroughs with my memories."
"That's great news. Congratulations."
"Thanks." I rub the condensation off the water bottle as I try to find the right words. "I still don't remember much about my mom and dad."
"They will come in time," he says.
"I hope so. Memories are the only thing I have left of them." Besides whatever is in the stacks of boxes piled in my living room. "I won't have a chance to make any new ones. Not like you and Mrs. Harris." I lift my eyes from the water bottle to see if I have his attention. "You're lucky you can still spend time with Nate and Natalie." Mr. Harris meets my gaze.
"Yes, Mackenzie. I am," he says solemnly.
"I don't know if you have any experience with engines, but Nate's been struggling with the one on the truck. I'm afraid the skills needed are above my pay grade. If you can make the time, he would probably appreciate the help.”
He didn’t have to say anything. I can see the message got through to him. “I should get back upstairs."
I leave the dining room before he has the chance to say anything. I walk past Mrs. Harris, listening to us in the hallway. I give her a nod and continue towards the staircase.
