A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy, page 6
“Drink this.” Mercedes put a glass of water to Gavin’s lips. “And you probably need a snack too.” She produced a bowl filled with what he felt sure was vanilla ice cream topped with grated cheese. “You did well,” said Mercedes. “Not many beings escape a Cupcake unscathed.”
He caught Niki’s eye. “Maybe I’m not as unremarkable as you think.”
“Oh no, you totally are,” she said. “A single exceptional event doesn’t affect your overall unremarkablosity.”
Cupcake spluttered with amusement at the sight of Gavin’s outraged face. The cat was secured beneath an upturned laundry basket weighted down by a pile of Mercedes’ heaviest gardening books. Sam had disarmed it, but it was still dangerous. All that stood between them and the hunter’s sharp claws was a copy of the Royal Horticultural Society’s Encyclopedia of Plants & Flowers.
“Should’ve helped me capture the princess.” Cupcake addressed Gavin while idly licking a paw. “It would’ve gone much easier for you that way.”
“What’s it talking about?” Gavin glanced about nervously. “I want to go home. I’ve had enough of this.”
Niki gestured to the captured Cupcake. “How can I put it? The bounty hunter has what you might call an—”
“Appetite for Destruction?” said Sam, briefly holding up a record for consideration.
“Exactly,” said Niki. “You foiled its plans, so now it wants your head.”
The cat nodded. “I have a list. You just went top five.”
“Me? My head?” Gavin placed his palms on either side of the head in question, checking that it was still firmly attached. “Come on. All I did was be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Cupcake shrugged. “That’s what Chicken-Feet Fabrizio said, just before I blasted him into a thousand nuggets.”
Mercedes laid a hand on Gavin’s shoulder. “Relax, we’ll take care of it.”
He gulped. “You mean you’re going to…” He drew a finger across his neck and made a croaking noise.
Mercedes dropped her hand, appalled. “No, of course not. We’re taking it with us.”
“As soon as the hunter is far from your world,” said Sam, “you will be safe again.”
“And speaking of leaving,” said Niki. “Can we please go? The sooner I get off this dump the better.”
“And the better for the rest of the planet too,” muttered Gavin.
“Interesting,” said Mercedes, examining him with a critical eye. “My life-signs scanning module is picking up an increased heart rate. It does appear as if you are experiencing a degree of anxiety about Niki’s imminent departure.”
Gavin folded his arms and shook his head brusquely, but then his shoulders sank. “Aren’t you going to miss anything?” he asked her.
“Uh, hardly,” she replied. “I’m taking everything meaningful with me: my violin, my pottery hand cannon and all my trophies. But I’m leaving behind my sculpture and my extensive collection of coloured glass dolphins. I only really collected them in order to appear like a normal earthling. I wonder which planet we’ll go to next,” she mused. “Shandakor XII is remote, but it has two suns so you can sunbathe all year round. Also, it rains just one day a year, and the raindrops are real diamonds. Or maybe Jakuzzi 189. The climate has been geo-engineered to turn the entire planet into a spa!” She glanced across at Sam and Mercedes, who weren’t listening. Sam had given up trying to pick the most appropriate music for the situation and now he and Mercedes had gathered next to the sideboard and were engrossed in a heated discussion. Despite her status as the most important member of the group, Niki knew that they would choose the destination, and their decision would not be based on spa facilities or diamond rain. On the upside, anywhere in the galaxy would be better than Earth.
“I thought you had it,” Sam said, checking the pockets of his trousers.
“Me? You parked the ship.” Mercedes retorted.
“I bet it’s on the kitchen dresser,” he muttered. “I can never find anything in all that mess.”
She stuck out her chin. “Then maybe you could tidy it once in a while. Most of it’s your guitar magazines.”
He dug a hand into his shirt pocket, pulled out a small paper ticket and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Got it.”
“OK, everyone,” said Mercedes, leaving the room with Sam. “You have five minutes to finish packing.”
Niki strolled after them. “See you around, earthling,” she said with a breezy wave over her shoulder. She paused in the doorway. “Oh no, wait. I won’t be seeing you. Since your civilisation hasn’t achieved faster-than-light travel, and is unlikely to, given you can’t even achieve reliably fast broadband.” She cackled with delight and swanned out of the room.
Gavin watched her go, too stunned to speak for a moment. “Was that it?! How can she leave like that? Gah! She makes my blood boil.”
“She could, y’know,” said Bart. “Boil it, I mean. Hey, I’ve got six months’ supply of Buff-U-Up protein shakes in the garage. You should take the lot.” He squeezed Gavin’s puny bicep. “No, really, you should.” Then, taking his hand, he pumped it furiously. “Great to know you, neighbour. Remember to work those glutes and never skip leg day. Enjoy the rest of your lifespan.”
Sam’s voice boomed from another room. “Don’t forget to pack the bounty hunter!”
“I’ll get the holdall!” Bart called back and then turned to Gavin. “Watch it for a minute, will you?”
Without waiting for an answer, he hobbled out of the living room. Alone with the cat, Gavin eyed it warily. He could just make out the creature’s piercing emerald eyes through the holes of the laundry basket. It watched him steadily and hissed, “Still on my list, Earth Gavin.”
It felt like barely any time at all had passed before the Apples finished loading their car and Gavin was watching the metallic brown estate pull out of the driveway and putter off down the road. He should’ve been relieved that Niki was gone from his life. No more of her trailing after him everywhere, ordering him about, insulting him to his face. But as the car turned a corner and disappeared from sight, he felt a surge of something unexpected.
Anger.
Niki had pretended to be someone she wasn’t, informed him that he was a walking cheese and ham sandwich, and left. All in the space of two hours on a Friday afternoon. An average, unremarkable boy would have meekly accepted everything that had happened. Well, he wasn’t that boy. He needed to tell her that, face to face. But if he didn’t do it now, he’d never get another chance.
He dashed next door, grabbed his bike from the garage and set off. Niki’s guardians had been arguing about a ticket, and if he wasn’t mistaken it was a barrier ticket for Middling’s only multistorey car park. They were driving and had a head start, but he knew a short cut. It wasn’t long before he turned into Church Street, in time to see the tail lights of the Apples’ car as it slipped under the entrance barrier. He sprinted after them, pedalling up the ramp to the first parking level. There was no sign of the Volvo. He did a quick circuit to confirm that their car wasn’t in any of the bays. Only as he was heading to the next level did it strike him: how could the Apples have parked their spaceship in the Church Street multistorey? How come no one had noticed it? He looked up and caught another glimpse of their car. It was heading for the outside roof level.
He arrived just in time to see the Apples’ estate heading straight towards a line of parked cars. But instead of crashing into them, it passed through and vanished. Gavin dismounted his bike and tentatively reached out to touch the wing of the nearest car. It was solid, but not metal, more like the skin of a rice pudding. He kept pushing, and his hand went straight through the bodywork, completely disappearing. He realised he was looking at a mirage. What had Niki called the thing her dad used to hide his lion-features? A concealment-field projector, that was it. This had to be another one. The Apples had hidden their spaceship here, disguised as a filled-up car park level. It was genius – no one would give it a second glance. He took a deep breath and stepped through the field. There was a sound like a stuck welly boot being tugged out of thick mud and the car vanished. All the cars vanished.
All but one.
The Apple’s estate car was parked next to what Gavin had no doubt was a spaceship. However, it was hardly the USS Enterprise. Occupying half the area of the parking level, he couldn’t help but think it resembled a larger version of the Volvo. It was the same uninspiring shade of brown, and the overall shape was similar too: a bulky rear section with a high roofline extending to a cockpit enclosed by a slanted viewing window, beyond which stretched the forward section. This space-bonnet even had headlights (or maybe they were laser-guns). And the whole unimpressive craft sat on four chrome landing-skids, one at each corner, like hubcaps.
He circled the craft, looking for a way in. A shallow ramp led into its belly. The doorway was in darkness, and through it he could hear the steady thrum of machinery. Indignation had carried him this far, but now he hesitated. The Apples were leaving – what if he were to go aboard just as they took off? He gave a determined swallow. No. He’d come this far, he wasn’t about to turn back now. He crept along the ramp and entered the ship.
Chapter 11
Gavin made his way along a narrow, curving corridor that swept towards the front section of the ship. He could hear the Apples’ raised voices up ahead, coming from behind a closed hatch. Sam seemed angry about something. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Before he could change his mind, there was a whooshing noise, the hatch shot up and there stood the Leontine warrior.
“If anyone needs me, I’ll be in engineering,” he scowled. “With a hammer.”
Brandishing the aforementioned hammer in one huge hand, he turned and saw Gavin and his expression changed. In seconds the rest of the Apples were crowding around the unexpected visitor.
“How did you find us?” quizzed Sam. “And what are you doing here?”
Gavin was about to answer when Niki butted in. “I know exactly what’s going on. Allow me.” She pushed the others aside. “You have no idea how you will continue your dreary existence in the absence of my luminous presence. But you have my sculpture, yes?”
“I’m not going to miss you!” Gavin snapped.
“You’re not?”
“No. I’m not. But before you go, what I came here to say was—”
“We’re not leaving,” interjected Bart. “At least, not anytime soon.”
That took the wind out of Gavin’s sails. “What?”
“The ship doesn’t want to launch,” Bart explained.
The way he said it suggested the ship could have an opinion, which made no sense.
“A minor delay, that is all,” said Niki. “We will be off this rock in no time. Correct?”
Sam hefted his hammer and headed to the hatch. “I am going to talk some sense into our stubborn AI.”
“Yes, dear,” said Mercedes gently. “But remember when you tried ‘talking sense’ into the tumble drier?”
He looked abashed. “Well … drying clothes on a whirligig in the garden is much more environmentally responsible.” Together they headed off along the gangway.
“Why can’t you leave Earth?” Gavin asked when they’d gone. “Is the battery flat?” That had happened to Grandad’s car when he’d left it parked in the driveway for a month.
“The workings of this vessel are far beyond your human capacity to understand,” said Niki, bouncing into the cockpit.
He followed her into the surprisingly compact space. There were two rows of seating arranged one behind the other in front of a large main viewscreen. This was divided into multiple screens displaying information about various ship systems and video-feeds from other compartments. On one he could see Cupcake, held securely in a windowless room, prowling back and forth in the small space.
Niki prodded a touch-panel. One of the screens switched to show Mercedes and Sam in another compartment of the ship, standing over a small black box. “Piloting a craft of this complexity is beyond the ability of an organic being. An artificially intelligent computer system manages everything from life support to navigation to flight controls.”
Gavin squinted at the image on the screen. “That box?”
“The Synthetic Thinking Auto-Running Biometric Ultrasmart Reactor Series Ten,” said Niki. “Or S.T.A.R.B.U.R.S.T. for short. It is the heart, brain and guts of the ship. In many ways, it is the ship.”
Gavin lowered his voice and said, “Has it gone rogue?” He thought it was a good idea to whisper, since he’d seen films in which artificial intelligences went haywire and tried to kill their crew. It seemed to be a common problem in outer space.
“In a manner of speaking,” said Niki. “When I commanded it to launch, Starburst point blank refused to budge. And when I asked why not, I received this message.” She slid a finger over another touch-control, bringing up a communications logon screen.
In large green letters was the phrase: It’s dark out there.
“What does that mean?” Gavin asked. Niki and Bart both gave mystified shrugs.
“Starburst has been in Middling, disguised as a level of a multistorey car park, since our arrival on Earth,” said Niki. “As soon as we disembarked, it switched to stealth mode to conserve energy and minimise its chances of being detected, shutting down every system but one.” She fiddled with another control. “It’s been passively monitoring all Earth audiovisual broadcasts and data traffic.”
Gavin blinked. “You mean it’s been watching TV and streaming the Internet all that time?”
“Yup.”
“No wonder it can’t function. I get cranky if I spend too long playing Spork of the Dead online, so I can imagine what six months would do. What about Mercedes, she’s a medical robot? Can’t she pilot the ship instead?”
“She wasn’t always a medic,” said Bart. “She was working as a wait-bot in a cocktail bar, when Sam found her.”
“She’s super-smart,” Niki explained. “She could probably fly us out of Earth’s atmosphere and into space, but piloting across the galaxy is a whole other matter. For that, we need Starburst.” She groaned in frustration before her attention was taken by something new on the screen.
“Now, what’s that?” There were two faint red blips at the extreme edges of a sensor display. “They appear to be some kind of craft.” Niki adjusted the controls. “I’m trying to identify them, but they’re a long way off.”
There were two long beeps and then a series of alien symbols popped up on screen next to each blip.
“That’s odd,” she said. “Every vessel has its own unique code. These two are broadcasting theirs to anyone who’ll listen. Whoever’s on board isn’t trying to hide their identity at all. OK, let’s see who you are—” Her hands froze over the controls, her eyes grew wide and in a quiet voice she said, “Ah.”
It was the sort of “ah” Grandad made when he accidentally put salt in his coffee instead of sugar, so why, Gavin wondered, did he suddenly feel a chill?
Niki fumbled open a communication channel with the engineering compartment. As she hailed Sam and Mercedes, Gavin’s gaze drifted back to the screen. Just for a moment he was sure he saw a third blip. This one was much closer to the centre of the display, and, as a result, to Earth. But it was very faint. And then it vanished. He wondered whether to mention it to Niki, but she was speaking to Sam and he didn’t want to interrupt.
“Yes, Your Highness?”
“Have you got Starburst back online yet?” she enquired, affecting a carefree tone.
“I’m afraid not, Princess. I recommend a more direct approach.” There was a clanging sound from the other end of the line.
“I’m not going to tell you again – put the hammer down!” Mercedes sighed.
“Probably best if you leave that for now and come back to the bridge,” said Niki. “There’s something you both need to see … um … right away.”
Less than a minute later, the hatch to the cockpit whooshed open and the two guardians stepped inside, their attention immediately drawn to the blips on the sensor screen.
“It’s probably nothing,” said Niki, in a voice that suggested she was trying to make light of the situation.
“Those are Galactic League ships,” said Sam.
Niki winced. “Or, yes, it could be that. But on the bright side, there are just two of them.”
Mercedes’ fingers fluttered over the controls as she altered the scale of the display and the screen filled like it had suddenly contracted measles.
“Multiple contacts,” she said. “I’m detecting cruisers, dreadnoughts, carriers.” She swallowed. “And the Skerlon and Zenobian flagships.”
Niki stared uncomfortably at the display. “It might not be my mum and dad.”
“Encrypted transmission incoming from the Skerlon flagship,” said Mercedes as new information flashed across her eyes.
“What does it say?” demanded Sam.
“Decrypted message follows,” she said in a flat monotone. “Hello, poppet. Mummy’s coming.”
Chapter 12
“Based on the force profile – and with a probability of ninety-three per cent plus or minus two per cent,” said Mercedes, “I determine these contacts to be two invasion fleets.”
Gavin’s throat dried up. “B-but just because they’re invasion fleets doesn’t mean they’ll invade, right?” He looked hopefully at the others. “Maybe they’ve just come from invading somewhere else and now they’re on holiday.”
