A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy, page 19
On the carpeted bulkhead, and repeated the length of the passageway, appeared timers in squared-off glowing red digits, counting down from thirty minutes.
“Can you delay the jump?” asked Gavin.
“Doubtful. I’d have to talk to the flight systems and these Type 77s aren’t known for their helpful attitude.” Sunshine paused. “I’ve located the princess. Royal Suite, deck twelve.”
Gavin picked up the unicorn and tucked it in the front fold of his dressing gown, facing out. He set off, flitting through the ship like a ghost, the deep-pile carpet deadening his footsteps and his stunningly unremarkable personality ensuring that he avoided the unwelcome attention of crew members and slug-troopers alike.
An elevator whisked them up to Niki’s deck at the top of the ship. The doors opened on to a wide corridor with a bright-orange carpet, the walls covered in foil wallpaper, soft light spilling from teardrop-shaped pendants hanging along its length. Bland instrumental music drifted on the filtered air.
“Bossa nova,” said Sunshine, tapping a hoof to the rhythm, adding, “She’s in there.”
A set of highly decorated golden doors lay at the far end of the corridor, flanked by a pair of slug-sentries.
“How am I going to get past them?” At such close quarters, Gavin doubted even his ability to slip by without being spotted. He glanced at the wall where another countdown timer displayed the unwelcome information that in nineteen minutes the flagship would be leaving Earth orbit. He realised he was close enough to hear them chatting to one another.
“Hear what happened to Gary?”
“Gary from Interrogation?”
“No, Gary from Catering.”
They continued to swap juicy slug gossip. It consisted mostly of a discussion about what they were going to have for dinner, which gave Gavin an idea.
“If only we had some lettuce,” he said, “we could distract them.”
“Maybe we do,” said Sunshine. “Put me down.”
He lowered the unicorn to the deck and it waddled to the nearest access node, inserting its horn in the slot. A moment later another ship’s announcement sounded through the corridor.
“Attention, all crew.”
It took Gavin a moment to recognise Sunshine’s voice.
“To celebrate the glorious reunification of the Galactic League, all loyal subjects will receive an extra ration of slime mould and a complimentary sensory tentacle massage. This will be allocated on a deck-by-deck basis. Would all troopers on deck twelve please go immediately to the canteen to collect their reward.”
The guards didn’t need any more encouragement. They oozed off along the corridor, leaving glistening trails on the carpet. A pair of small, puck-shaped cleaning robots followed immediately behind them, mopping up.
Sunshine disconnected itself. “Shall we?” it said, padding towards the unguarded doors.
The Royal Suite was composed of several connected rooms, the first of which had a lofty ceiling, cork-covered walls and a sunken seating area. There was an L-shaped sofa in deep purple, a couple of leather beanbags and a chair that looked like a spherical basket suspended from the ceiling by a long, twined rope. Floor-standing lava lamps bubbled away, making swirling patterns and spilling orange and yellow light across the room. An open-tread, metal spiral staircase wound up to a landing, off which were doors that Gavin presumed led to the bedrooms.
“Niki?” he called.
“Oh dear, she’s not here,” said Sunshine Starburst unconvincingly. “We should get off this ship and go home right away.”
The basket-chair swung round, revealing Niki, legs curled up on the seat, immersed in her phone.
“Super,” grumbled the unicorn.
“Gavin?!” Niki leapt up. “You changed your mind.”
“About what?”
“Coming with me.”
He’d almost forgotten about the invitation. “Uh … no. Sorry.”
“Then what are you…?” Her puzzled gaze went from his face to the plastic laser-sword at his hip and back again. She winced. “Please don’t say you’re here to rescue me.”
Before he could get a word out, she had spun him round and was marching him back towards the doors.
“You have to leave, right now.”
“Listen to her,” said Sunshine Starburst. “Wise words indeed.”
“This ship’s about to leave Earth orbit,” she went on. “And if my parents catch you here—”
Gavin dug in his heels. “Wait! I have a plan to thwart them.”
She put a hand on her hip. “Thwart? Really?”
“It was my journal that gave me the idea!”
“Gavin, stop! Whatever your plan is, it’s not worth the risk. I’m not worth it. If I go back on my word to Pam and Derek they’ll destroy Earth. You earthlings may be ordinary, but some of you are special to me.” She paused. “I’d rather spend the rest of my life as a rotten galactic princess than be responsible for your planet’s destruction. And anyway, there’s nothing for me back there, not after what I said. Sam and Mercedes must hate me.”
“No they don’t,” he said. “I mean, I thought they did too, but I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about Nan and Grandad. I thought they were sending me away, but actually they were turning the attic into another bedroom. See?”
“Um, not really.”
He tried again. “Families. They’re not a competition, whatever Pam and Derek might think. Sam, Mercedes and Bart are your people. You can’t win or lose their love; it’s just there all the time. They’ll always make room for you.”
Niki considered his speech. “Still not entirely sure how an attic conversion fits into all this, but I get the gist.” She paused. “Thanks, Gavin.”
“Attention, all crew,” boomed another announcement. “Fifteen minutes until interstellar jump.”
As the message faded there was a small sound from the door to the suite.
“Someone’s outside,” squealed Sunshine.
The door handles dipped. Whoever it was, they were coming in.
Chapter 33
“Quick,” said Niki, pushing Gavin towards the spiral staircase. He snatched Sunshine Starburst and scampered up to the landing just as the gilded entrance doors swung open and in strutted Pam and Derek. At their side marched a couple of heavily armed, extra-large slug-troopers in highly polished white armour. Gavin crouched behind the banister and watched them.
“Where are your guards?” asked Derek.
Niki was sitting on the purple sofa, pretending to be absorbed in her painted fingernails. She gave a non-committal shrug.
“Dereliction of duty,” he said. “Remind me to have them sent to the salt mines.”
On the landing, Gavin was aware of Sunshine Starburst trembling beside him. Mindless fear set off its speech synthesiser and the unicorn announced loudly, “Be my best friend!”
“What was that?” Pam turned her gimlet stare on the landing. “Is someone there?”
“Only me,” said a voice from over Gavin’s shoulder.
He turned to see Bart emerging from one of the bedrooms – Niki must have persuaded her parents not to stick him in the hold for the journey. Bart winked at him as he trotted downstairs.
Ignoring Bart, Pam beamed at Niki and Derek. “Look at us all back together again, a normal, happy family. I thought this afternoon we could go for ice cream, then inflict some galaxy-wide misery.”
“Sounds perfect; we should take a picnic,” said Derek. He snapped his fingers. “Sorry, I don’t mean picnic, I mean Trans-Warp Cluster Apocalypse Torpedo.”
“Ten minutes until interstellar jump,” came another announcement.
Niki tore her eyes away from her nail varnish. “I’d like to remain in orbit a while longer. I want to see the sun rise over the Earth one more time.”
Gavin knew she didn’t care about the view; she was trying to buy him more time to leave the ship.
“How amusing that you should request one last look,” Derek said with a smirk. “Since the planet will shortly cease to exist.”
Niki sat bolt upright. “No! You promised. You said if I came with you then you’d leave it alone.”
“Oh, come now, you never really believed that, hatchling,” said Pam, stroking Niki’s cheek with her long fingers.
“Earthlings harboured you,” said Derek. “And for that they must be made an example of.”
Pam fiddled with a blue and white earring. “And their planet will make a fine match for this one.”
Gavin felt a hot surge of anger. They were going to shrink the Earth after all, wiping out everyone he knew and loved. He was the wrong boy in the wrong place at the wrong time. But his moment had come. He leapt to his feet.
“Get down! They’ll see you!” hissed Sunshine.
Ignoring the unicorn’s pleas, he unleashed what he hoped was a fearsome battle-cry and charged down the stairs to confront Pam, Derek and destiny.
Turns out it’s not so easy to charge down a spiral staircase. The twisty bits make it really hard to build up a head of steam, so by the time he hit the bottom step his battle-cry had dwindled to a half-hearted mumble and everyone in the room was staring at him.
“Gavin,” said Niki tensely. “Not the moment.”
“It’s OK,” he said, fumbling in the backpack. “I’m armed and dangerous.”
“Who is this?” asked Pam, flicking a dismissive finger in his direction.
He stopped rummaging. “Oh, come on. We literally just spent the last month together. It’s me, Gavin, remember?”
Pam and Derek conferred with each other, but it was clear from their empty shrugs that he had slipped from their memories.
“Detain the Gavin,” Pam coolly instructed her guards.
They slithered towards him, weapons pointed at his head. He dug a hand deeper into the bag, and among the coloured glass dolphins his fingers touched the welcome spike of bristles.
“Back off!” he barked, whipping out the electric toothbrush. The guards paused mid-slither. Emboldened by their reaction, he poked the device at them. “Yeah, you don’t like that, do you? Huh? Huh?”
The plan had come to him when Cupcake returned his journal, the moment he realised that Niki was … “Unforgettable,” he said aloud.
“What?” said Pam sharply.
“I think it’s broken,” said Derek.
“What if I could make you forget about her? What if I could make her so cosmically insignificant that you would leave her to live her life with the people who really care for her?”
With a shaking hand, he sank his thumb against the toothbrush’s power button. There was a buzzing sound, the compact head spun for a second, and stopped. Had it worked? He glanced across at Niki and Bart, who were both sporting pained expressions. That would be a no then.
Gavin realised he was in big trouble.
He mashed the button again. Nothing. And then he noticed a red flashing light at the base of the handle.
“Out of charge,” he mumbled.
“Take him!” commanded Pam.
He felt the slimy hands of the first guard grip him. The second snatched the toothbrush. He was too shaken to put up any kind of resistance. His last-ditch plan had ended up in a ditch.
“Don’t hurt him!” Niki pleaded, and her lip curled into a cruel smile. “Let me.”
Uh, hello? What did she just say?
Pam and Derek beamed at their daughter. Sam had warned him that Niki would change, that she would follow the dark path trodden by her parents. He just hadn’t expected her to skip along it so readily.
“Pathetic human,” she hissed. “You dared to oppose the might of the Galactic League.” She threw back her head and laughed. “Soon you will witness its ultimate power. Let my first act as Supreme Monarch be … to destroy Earth.”
Chapter 34
Gavin didn’t believe it, even if Pam and Derek were lapping up their hatchling’s newly minted attitude. It was a ploy – had to be. Niki was only acting the evil princess, pretending to be on her parents’ side. At least, he was fairly confident she was acting. He’d only seen her in the school production of Fiddler on the Roof, so unless she suddenly burst into song, he couldn’t be sure.
Pam and Derek swept out of the suite with Niki between them and Bart trailing obediently behind. Gavin glanced up to the landing, where Sunshine Starburst cowered in terror, and couldn’t help but think that the unicorn’s fears of a horror story in space were coming true.
“March, Earth scum.” One of the slug-troopers prodded him in the back with its rifle, and he stumbled after the royal entourage.
“Take him to the cells,” commanded Pam.
“Please, Mother,” said Niki in a wheedling voice. “Surely it would be crueller to force the earthling to witness the destruction of his homeworld?”
“Oh, hatchling,” cooed Pam. “It is good to have you back.”
Acting. It was just acting. So why, Gavin wondered, did he just feel his faith in Niki wobble?
They made their way to the command bridge on the topmost deck of the ship. Elevator doors opened on to a large circular room arranged with individual stations for navigation, weaponry and communications. Each station featured a screen set into a freestanding cabinet made from polished walnut. Crew members sat in front of their stations in chairs with chromed tubular frames and black leather seat-pads. Instead of a carpet there were individual floor mats at each station and scattered around the deck were several knotted rugs in earth tones featuring geometric designs. They looked like trip hazards to Gavin. Light came from anglepoise lamps at each station and a single great chandelier hanging from the central portion of the domed ceiling. The whole place smelled of pine air freshener.
The bridge crew were neither robots nor slugs, but instead resembled octopuses, their multiple tentacles tapping and swiping the complex controls on each console. All of the crew faced a large, central viewscreen at the front of the room, which displayed a live image of the Earth.
There was a pair of command thrones in the centre of the bridge. Pam slid into one and Derek plumped down in the other. Bart fell in a respectful few strides behind, while Niki took up a position beside the thrones, hands clasped behind her back. The slug-trooper steered Gavin next to her.
“Princess, you have control,” said Derek with a wave, passing responsibility for the attack to her.
“Thank you, Father. Power up the Diminisher,” she commanded.
“Aye, aye, Princess,” gurgled the octopus in charge of the weapon.
Niki quickly looked over and gave Gavin a wink. The wink said to him that she had a plan, that all was not lost and with a bit of luck they’d prevent Earth from being turned into a bauble. At least, he hoped it was a wink, but it could just as easily have been a piece of grit in her eye. He had to admit, he was putting a lot of faith in a single eyelid.
“Use your sword,” she whispered.
At least that confirmed she was pretending, but didn’t she realise it was a toy? Even if it had been real, he was hardly going to fence their way out of here.
“Batteries,” she mouthed.
His hand fell on to the hilt and he remembered that he’d loaded it with fresh ones before going to the party. Furtively he located the battery compartment. The cover flipped off with a click he was sure one of the guards must have heard. He held his breath. Seconds passed and there was no rifle in the back. He’d got away with it. Heart racing, he looked down.
Double As!
He emptied two of the precious batteries into his palm. Niki gave the tiniest of nods.
Now all they had to do was get them into the toothbrush.
Unaware of its importance, the slug-trooper who had confiscated it in the Royal Suite had tucked the device loosely in the pouch of an ammo belt wrapped around his bulging middle. The neck and bristled head poked out invitingly. Gavin reached out a hand, but as he edged closer to the toothbrush, Pam’s voice cut across.
“Give the earthling a better view,” she purred.
The other trooper pinned his arms and steered him to a spot almost directly beneath the giant viewscreen. With each footstep the Neural-B and the batteries grew further apart. It was hopeless.
“That will do,” said Pam. “From there you may even be able to hear your species’ final anguished cries.” She laughed and Derek patted her hand affectionately.
“My dearest, I had forgotten just how warped you can be.” Derek’s hair ignited with affection.
Gavin was so close to the screen he couldn’t see its edges. Earth filled his vision. They were currently in orbit above the northern hemisphere. He could make out a massive electrical storm rolling in over continental Europe, and clusters of man-made lights marking out the major cities. The world spun on, seven and a half billion inhabitants unaware how close they were to being shrunk out of existence. Maybe it was a good thing they didn’t know what was about to hit them. He knew he should feel bad for everyone, but the only people he could think about were Nan, Grandad and the Tiny Horror, back in his little street in Middling.
“The Diminisher is ready to fire, Your Highness,” confirmed the weapons octopus.
Middling!
The town was the most overlooked on the planet, possibly the most boring place in the galaxy – and it might just be Earth’s last chance.
Gavin spun round, so that the planet loomed behind him and it was as if he was talking for all humankind.
“In eighteen ninety-two, Middling’s first shoe factory was established, producing leather sandals primarily for the burgeoning export market.”
Pam and Derek regarded him with quizzical expressions.
“Local Middling resident Arthur Creech is widely credited as being the first person to establish that it is impossible to lick your own elbow.”
One of Derek’s eyelids drooped, and his fiery hair burned lower. Pam yawned and mashed her lips together. Bart attempted to lick his own elbow.
As Gavin proceeded to recount facts about Middling’s extensive CCTV camera network, the hundred-year losing streak of its local football team, and details of the residents’ parking scheme, Pam, Derek and the octopus crew were lulled into a stupor. Just as he’d hoped.
