A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy, page 12
Sam cleared his throat. “On behalf of your guardians, I should like to express my happiness at your continued existence, Your Highness.”
“Hear! Hear!” cried Bart, and he burst into song. “For she’s a jolly good autocratic despot! And so say all of her unworthy subjects!”
“Affirmative, it’s good to see you in one fully functioning organic piece,” said Mercedes. “I will prepare the traditional Earth meal of celebration – spaghetti with orange slices.”
“Thank you, thank you,” said Niki with a regal wave, as if she was accepting an award. “But your praise should not be for me alone.” She paused. “I mean, it should. Obviously. As your beloved leader. But in this instance thanks must also go to Cupcake and Gavin for their minor roles in my enormously successful escape.” She pinched two fingers together. “Their teeny-tiny contribution. You should’ve seen this guy back there.” She wrapped an arm around Gavin’s shoulder. “I mean, that’s kind of the point. You couldn’t see him.”
“Thank you, Gavin,” said Sam. “You and your remarkable insignificance have done the galaxy a great service today.”
It was another backhanded compliment but coming from the Leontine warrior he couldn’t help but glow at the praise. “And don’t forget Cupcake,” he said. “It saved our bacon.” The phrase made more sense to him now that he knew what it felt like to be the bacon.
“Where is Cupcake?” asked Bart.
The cat hadn’t followed Gavin and Niki into the cockpit, and when they opened the hatch to the gangway they found it lying on the deck outside, completely still.
“Oh no.” Gavin ran to its side.
Mercedes knelt down to cast a physician’s eye across the bounty hunter’s body. “Head injury,” she concluded. She unhinged her wrist and administered a shot of something from a hypodermic needle.
“Will that make it OK now?” Gavin asked anxiously.
“To a high degree of probability,” said Mercedes.
“What’s going to happen to Cupcake?” Gavin looked around at the Apples. “I mean, when we get to wherever we’re going. Are you going to hand it over to the space police?” He didn’t know if there were police in space, but if so it didn’t seem fair to turn the cat in, not after the way it’d helped save them from Vorlon.
“That’s not a question we have to worry about for now,” said Sam.
“Why not?” asked Niki.
Sam rested a hand on the bulkhead. “The ship took heavy damage during the Gastronite attack. After rescuing you, we have just enough power to get back to Earth.”
Through the open hatch Gavin glimpsed the main screen, where the long-range detector was still displaying the relative position of Niki’s parents.
“How long until they get here?” he asked.
Sunshine Starburst answered promptly. “At their current velocity, the Skerlon and Zenobian battle fleets are less than twelve hours from entering Earth’s orbit.”
Chapter 21
The parking bay in the Middling multistorey was still empty when the ship touched back down an hour later. After reactivating the concealment field, Gavin and the Apples headed back to Park Street, regrouping in the secret room beneath Sam’s home office to discuss their next steps. Niki remained uncharacteristically silent.
“Can’t you repair the ship and leave before her parents get here?” asked Gavin.
“Negative,” said Mercedes.
“This isn’t rocket science,” added Sunshine Starburst. “We are dealing with some highly complex technology.”
“That Gastronite Magicruiser knocked the stuffing out of her,” said Cupcake. “If you ask me, it’s only fit now for the orbital scrapyard around Barnard’s Star.”
Sam grunted in agreement, although he remained wary of the bounty hunter.
“You could hide,” Gavin suggested.
“The Skerlons and Zenobians have the most sophisticated detection technology in the galaxy,” said Mercedes. “Not only could they locate a needle in a haystack from ten light-years away, but they could also vaporise the entire farm.”
“Then you have to choose one of them,” said Gavin, turning to Niki in desperation. “Pick your mum or your dad – I don’t care which – and leave Earth alone.”
“The princess is not leaving with either of them,” said Sam bluntly. “We didn’t run to the ends of the galaxy just to meekly accept defeat when they show up.”
Niki had no intention of being defeated. Her mum and dad were the most evil, scheming beings in the galaxy. However, she was their daughter – she had schemes of her own. And right now there was one was forming in her head. “Are my parents within comms range?”
Sam looked puzzled. “Yes, Your Highness, but––”
“Open a channel,” she commanded. “I will speak with them.”
Sam hesitated and Niki could tell he wanted to protest, but instead he nodded. “Sending a hail now, Princess.”
Sam opened up a communication channel and seconds later two miniature holographic images appeared, so that each parent seemed to be suspended in thin air over the control console.
It looked like they’d interrupted Niki’s dad’s lunch. He was at a table laden with the sort of feast Henry VIII might sit down to of an evening. D’Rek the Destroyer had a round face with a thin moustache that turned down at the tips, and a small square of beard tucked beneath his lower lip. He was chewing on the leg bone of some roasted creature and the juices had streaked his beard and dripped on to his regal attire of red silk robes. The outfit was finished off with a high golden collar and a huge golden medallion, which flashed on his chest. His hair was on fire, a characteristic father and daughter evidently shared.
In contrast to D’Rek the Destroyer’s gaudy presence, Niki’s mum was initially hard to spot. Shrewd black eyes gazed from Pamnatakrocula the Pitiless’s angular face. Her skin was darker than Niki’s and she wore a jumpsuit made from some kind of light-sucking material. The only bright spot about her were her earrings, each a sphere of vivid colour and intense swirling patterns.
At first both of them ignored Niki, instead turning their ire on one another.
“You’ve put on weight, I see,” snipped her mum.
“It’s not weight,” said her dad, squeezing a roll of his generous belly. “It’s gravitas. And look at you. Can’t exactly be pleasant living with that evil pus-filled blot.”
She touched what was no more than a spot on her cheek. “Merely a blemish.”
“I was talking to the blemish,” said her dad, heaving with laughter. He threw one gnawed leg bone over his shoulder and, reaching for the carcass, tore off another.
They continued to swap slurs like they were playing a match of increasingly bad-tempered tennis.
“Is this normal?” Gavin whispered to Niki.
“No, of course not.” She looked at him like he was mad. “Oh, you mean for them?” She nodded. “Oh yes. Completely.”
Niki studied them as they continued to rail at one another. She didn’t love them. Love didn’t come into it. But she admired their ruthlessness and their success at dominating the galaxy. She was less keen when they’d turned that ruthless streak against her. Since birth she had been groomed to sit on the galactic throne, which meant that her childhood had been one long assault course. She’d spent years jumping through flaming hoops to please them, but in the end it wasn’t enough. Nothing she did was ever enough for them. However, she was sure they would be impressed at her guile on this occasion. Not that she was about to let them in on her plan – at least, not until it was too late for them to do anything about it.
She stepped in between her two holographic parents and they suspended their insult-laden conversation to acknowledge her.
“Ah, hatchling, I anticipate our imminent reunion,” said her mum.
“Don’t be so eager,” warned her dad. “You’ll have to crawl to her over the smoking wreckage of my Zenobian war fleet and the remains of that watery planet!”
“Oh yes, about that.” Her mum snapped her fingers and immediately an underling presented her with a jewelled box decorated with ornate carvings and inlaid with precious stones. She flipped open the lid to reveal two rows of spherical earrings like the pair she was wearing, mounted in a red velvet lining.
“Please tell me those aren’t planets,” stuttered Gavin.
“Of course not,” replied Niki, and he breathed a sigh of relief. “They’re shrunken planets.”
Plucking one from the box, Pamnatakrocula the Pitiless held it up, turning it so that the surface caught the light. It was coloured sky blue and white. “I’ve been looking for a match for this one for so long. This planet will do very nicely.”
Gavin gagged. “Your mum is planning to add Earth to her jewellery collection?!”
Niki fiddled with her hair. “You’ve no idea how difficult it is finding a water-rich planet like this one.”
D’Rek the Destroyer gave a mocking laugh. “Not so fast, dearest. When I’m finished with this world, there won’t be enough of it left to fashion a nose stud.”
“Stop!” Niki boomed, and at her princessy tone her parents fell into grudging silence. “If you promise not to blow up Earth, reduce it to the size of an earring, or conquer it behind my back, then I will go with one of you.”
Her mum raised a finely plucked eyebrow. “So you will pledge to one of us?”
“Yes,” she said firmly. “Do you both swear to abide by my terms?”
Her parents reluctantly agreed, while Sam, Mercedes and Bart looked on, too shocked to speak up at this unexpected development. Only Gavin was grateful that she would make such a personal sacrifice to save the planet. Grateful and a tiny bit suspicious.
Niki went on. “I will commit my future to either you, Father, or you, Mother, based on the outcome of a task.”
Her dad lowered his lunch and rubbed his greasy hands. “A task, yes! I stand ready. After all, I am the one who conquered half the galaxy.”
“And I the other half,” her mum said pointedly, turning to Niki with a confident smirk. “So what do you task us with, hatchling?”
“Filling a cup of dark matter from a black hole?” said her dad.
“Collecting a thimble of plasma from the heart of a sun?” said her mum.
“Oh no,” said Niki, and even her bumptious parents wavered at her dangerous tone. She smiled thinly and for a second her flaming hair glowed red. “Nothing so easy.”
Chapter 22
The house at number forty-six had been on the market for ages. So when the owners received an offer for the full asking price, paid in rainbow diamonds mined from the Abyss of Souls on the planet Hercuforma X, they didn’t ask questions.
Acquiring the property on Park Street was the first part of Niki’s plan. On the face of it, the task she had set D’Rek the Destroyer and Pamnatakrocula the Pitiless was a simple one. All they had to do was come to Middling and live under the same roof for a month without killing one another. At the end of that time, and providing they left the Earth and its inhabitants alone, she would decide which of them had proved to be the best parent and would pledge her future to that one. At least, that’s what she wanted them to believe.
It was the day after they’d taken possession of the new house. While Niki’s parents orbited the planet preparing for the task, and the other Apples had gone inside number forty-six to inspect the property, Gavin held Niki back on the doorstep. “OK, spill.”
“Oil spill, chemical spill? Be specific.”
“The beans,” he added, and she looked at him in confusion. “It means tell the truth.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t give me that, Your Highness. You really think I’m going to believe that you of all people would sacrifice your freedom for Earth’s survival? You wouldn’t even give up your place in the toilet queue when Pippa Smyth was bursting for a wee.”
How had he seen through her so easily? In her opinion, any civilisation that couldn’t summon enough gumption to colonise its own solar system deserved everything it got. But she needed this planet to be around – at least a little while longer. “Yes, you are correct,” she confessed. “That’s not my real plan.”
“I knew it!” Gavin slapped a fist into his palm. “So what is it then?”
Reluctantly, she filled him in. “My mum and dad despise peaceful worlds, friendly races and freedom, but in all the galaxy there’s one thing they hate most of all.” She paused. “Each other.” She looked at him as if that explained everything. It didn’t. “Forcing the two of them to live together will drive them bonkers. A month? They won’t last two minutes under the same roof. Before the end of the first week they won’t even remember why they came to Earth. All they’ll care about is getting as far away from each other as fast as their ships can carry them. Once they’ve gone, we’ll have plenty of time to repair Starburst and finally get off this planet. By the time my parents stop fighting each other long enough to figure out they’ve been tricked, I’ll be long gone.”
“And the other Apples know what you’re up to?”
“They will do whatever I command. You don’t think I’d get my hands dirty repairing a filthy spacecraft, do you?”
Gavin seemed unconvinced by the plan. “You’re sure your parents won’t blow up Earth?”
Niki threw her hands up. “This obsession with saving your planet! You need to get a hobby.” She put her hands on her hips. “You can be so selfish. All you think about is how this affects you. Don’t you ever stop to consider other people?”
“You mean the seven and a half billion people on Earth?”
“No.” She shot him a withering look. “I mean me. Don’t worry about your precious Earth – honestly, it’s not worth wasting the firepower.”
“Niki, promise me. Please.”
She sighed. “If it will put an end to your frankly weird sentimental attachment to a four-and-a half-billion-year-old rock.” She put a hand over each of her hearts. “I swear not to let my parents annihilate, conquer or otherwise harm this planet and its inhabitants. Happy?”
With Gavin apparently satisfied, she left him to seek out the others. There was much to do before her parents’ arrival, and she needed to make a start delegating the more unpleasant tasks to the rest of the Apples.
Given her disdain for all things earthling, over the following days Niki was surprised at the ease with which she settled back into her Middling life. Not that she would ever confess it to the others, and especially not to Gavin, but the moment the car had turned into Park Street and she’d caught sight of their house again she’d experienced a spike of – and there was no other way to describe it – happiness. The next week back at school also brought with it odd, uncomfortable feelings of satisfaction and even stirrings of … enjoyment? First, the student council chose her proposal for the redesigned school badge, and she hadn’t even been forced to use her mind-power on anyone to influence the decision. But the main topic of conversation surrounded the freakish weather assaulting the earth. The Galactic League’s hot hail attack had merely been the first salvo; more had followed. Every news outlet was buzzing with reports from across the world of unusually violent storms, earthquakes in countries not known for seismic activity, and a very peculiar rain of toads. The last would’ve been bad enough on the warty face of it, but the toads could also talk. And all they croaked were insults.
“That’s definitely my dad’s idea,” she’d confided to Gavin during one tedious English class. “He thinks he’s so funny.”
“Yeah, classic dad joke,” Gavin had replied with what Niki had come to learn as typical earthling sarcasm.
Across the wider world there was an atmosphere of unease that reached to the furthest corners of the planet. Commentators couldn’t agree on a single reason for the strange phenomena, but they did agree that it couldn’t bode well. Only Niki, Gavin and the Apples knew that the attacks were the warm-up for an invasion. An invasion that Niki had stalled. For now.
One morning shortly after that she entered Mr Al-Khwarizmi’s maths classroom to squeals of what at first she took to be horror at yet another of their teacher’s tortuous algebra problems. But she was wrong. A gaggle of her classmates surrounded Tanisha Day, who was clutching the object of their excitement, an ink-based image generated by light falling on an electronic image sensor printed on chemically processed cellulose derived from tree matter.
“It’s a signed photograph,” Tanisha explained to a baffled Niki.
The image that had provoked such fervour was of Hal Hill and the rest of the band members of Cubic Parsec. It seemed that the previous evening Tanisha’s older sister had taken her to the latest concert on their tour, where not only had she acquired the photograph, but also a T-shirt and a mild throat infection. At first Niki couldn’t understand the excitement, but as she lingered she felt a strange sensation creeping over her. “Your feeling of elation,” she observed. “It is infectious.”
“Do you want to hold it?” Tanisha croaked, offering her the photograph.
Niki could see no reason why she should, but she felt compelled to acknowledge her classmate’s gesture.
“His eyes!” cooed Tanisha.
“His hair!” swooned Audrey Woods.
“Yes,” said Niki, nodding in puzzled agreement. “He has both eyes and hair.”
At the end of the school day, she and Gavin once again joined the rest of the Apples at number forty-six. They had been hard at work readying the house for its new occupants. Sam had taken a trip to Ikea and picked up a load of furniture, then spent the next three days shouting at it. Bart had set to work cleaning the house from top to bottom, which he viewed as a great workout. Mercedes had been toiling in the garden, planting a colourful but low-maintenance border, and raising the height of the perimeter fence to minimise the risk of D’Rek the Destroyer and Pamnatakrocula the Pitiless’s inevitably weird behaviour being overlooked by the neighbours. Gavin had compiled a guide to Middling to help the new arrivals fit in, which included bus routes, a list of local restaurants and a detailed set of instructions on how to interact with the local human population. Niki’s contribution was less hands-on. She was a princess, after all.
