A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy, page 4
“So … if Niki’s a princess,” said Gavin, “then that makes you a prince, right?” Bart gave a snort and Niki stifled a laugh. “What’d I say? What’s so funny?”
“I’m not her brother,” said Bart. “We’re not related at all. My kind are grown in vats. I was created with the exact same blood type as the princess’s, and my internal organs are a perfect match for hers.” He said it with pride.
“You have two hearts as well?”
Bart chuckled. “Hardly. The princess’s second heart is a back-up in case of catastrophic failure. Someone like me is entirely dispensable. Should Niki suffer an injury that requires a transfusion or a replacement organ, my body stands ready to be emptied.”
“That’s disgusting!” Gavin blurted. Though it did explain Bart’s obsessive exercise and diet regime.
“I think he’s going to faint again,” said Mercedes.
Gavin felt hands holding him and heard Bart urging him once again to breathe. He steadied himself and studied the strange group that until a few minutes ago he’d only known as the regular family next door. “What are you doing in Middling?”
“We’re on the run,” said Niki. “From the most powerful, evil beings you could ever imagine. Brutal and merciless, they rule the galaxy through a combination of fear and firepower.” She folded her arms and raised a corner of her mouth in a grimace. “They’re also my mum and dad.”
Chapter 7
Niki waited for the promised brain detonation, but other than a sheen of perspiration gathering on Gavin’s forehead and a slight flush of colour on his cheeks, he remained resolutely un-explodey. Which was a bit of a let-down. She decided to press on with her explanation, figuring that a few more details might trigger the fireworks.
“For thousands of years galactic war raged between the Skerlon Dominion and the Zenobian Reach. My mum is Skerlon, my dad Zenobian. When they joined together in what you humans call marriage, the union brought together their warring peoples. The Galactic League was formed, uniting former adversaries under one banner – a bit like your United Nations, but dedicated to overthrowing peaceful planetary governments, exploiting natural resources and generally oppressing anything with a nervous system.”
Gavin pulled a face. “So, not much like the United Nations then?”
Niki ignored him and went on. “But it was a fragile truce, and everyone knew it couldn’t last. So they conceived me. When I was born, I became the first Skerlon-Zenobian child in galactic history, a living, breathing symbol of unity that cemented the alliance. Unfortunately, two personalities like my parents living under the same roof – no matter that it was the biggest and most golden roof on the planet – was bound to end in tears.”
“They split up?” said Gavin.
Niki nodded. “And when they did, so did the galaxy. Now the Zenobians and Skerlons are at war again, with my mum and dad leading opposing sides.”
“Pamnatakrocula the Pitiless and D’Rek the Destroyer,” added Bart.
“Each of the princess’s parents craves total galactic dominance,” said Mercedes, “but neither can accomplish their goal without one crucial element.”
“Me,” said Niki.
“As the only half-Skerlon, half-Zenobian,” Mercedes explained, “the princess is destined to sit upon the galactic throne.”
Gavin gawped. “You’d be ruler of the whole galaxy?”
“Supreme Leader in Perpetuity,” she crowed. “And, let me tell you, it comes with a lot more than a parking space.”
“But the position would only be in name,” cautioned Mercedes. “In practice, her mum or dad would be the real power behind the throne.”
“Although, it’s less a throne in the conventional sense; more of a sentient, fully armed Command Pew,” chipped in Bart.
“Should the princess end up with either parent, the entire galaxy will suffer,” said Sam, joining the conversation to voice his concern. “They would do terrible things, commit horrible acts, in her name.”
“And she isn’t that person.” Mercedes went to stroke Niki’s hair, but she pulled away.
“Don’t be so sure,” she snapped. The prospect of assuming the throne was not without its attractions. “After all, I’m their daughter and they’re both truly evil. Maybe deep down I’m just as bad as them.”
“Oh, I don’t think you have to dig that deep,” Gavin muttered under his breath.
Niki’s gaze travelled across each of the Apples in turn. “When my parents separated and began to fight over me, this lot scooped me up, stole a ship and brought me to Earth.”
Gavin’s features creased into a question. “But why come to Middling?”
“I ask the same question every single day,” grumbled Niki.
“In order to protect the princess from her parents,” said Mercedes, “we were forced to flee our homeworld and hide somewhere no one in the civilised part of the galaxy –”
“That’s mine,” interjected Niki.
Mercedes continued. “– would ever contemplate looking for the most important person in the galaxy—”
“That’s me,” Niki added.
Mercedes sighed at her charge. “Well, yes. And once we had determined to run, artificial intelligences with unimaginably vast intellects calculated that the best location to conceal the princess, the very edge of inhabited space and the most overlooked spot, was your planet, Earth. And the most ignored location on Earth was determined to be—”
“Middling,” said Gavin, with an uncomfortable sense of recognition.
“Got it in one,” said Niki. “So tell me, Gavin-From-Middling, this place might be out of the way, but does it have to be so mind-numbingly dull?”
He shifted in his seat. “I would call it reassuringly dull. Y’know, the kind you get on a rainy Sunday afternoon when the WiFi’s down and someone suggests playing a board game.”
She curled a strand of hair around her finger. “But really, is it any surprise Middling could bore the hind tentacles off an Andromedan Octobunny? Seeing as its inhabitants are so extraordinarily humdrum. It’s not just Middling, it’s your whole planet. Not only is Earth easy to miss, you earthlings are too. We have to make a big effort just to notice when one of you is in the room.”
The others made noises of agreement.
“It’s as if every one of you is surrounded by an invisible field of … ordinariness. You’re all so forgettably unexceptional. You’re like…” She tapped a finger against her lip. “Like … the cheese and ham sandwiches of the galaxy.”
“Your monotonous invisibility is why we chose Earth,” said Mercedes. “And so we judged that the princess’s safety depended on blending in and becoming just like a typically forgettable earthling. First, we chose names based on the most frequently used words across every language on Earth: Nike. Apple.” She indicated herself and the others in turn. “Mercedes. Samsung.” She frowned. “It quickly became apparent that constructing an identity on statistical occurrence alone was a misstep. So the princess became Niki, he is Sam, and I am, well, Mercedes.”
“What about Bart?”
“Him?” Niki screwed up her face. Gavin might as well have asked why they hadn’t named the microwave. “The first time we met, you misheard his designation. He’s just a spare—”
“Part,” Gavin finished weakly.
Bart/Part grinned happily and threw a salute. “That’s me. Major Organs, at your service.”
“The naming blunder proved that despite our superior intelligence,” said Niki, “we needed help when it came to Earth manners and customs.”
“To that end we required a specimen – or rather, a mentor,” said Mercedes. “You, Gavin, weren’t born here, but moved to Middling and have disappeared almost entirely. You barely register either to your schoolmates or the population in general. We hoped to study you and copy your example.”
“All earthlings are unremarkable,” said Niki. “But you are remarkably unremarkable. Which means that you are, to a high degree of probability, the most unremarkable being in the galaxy.” Niki gave him an angelic smile, but mystifyingly he didn’t seem pleased to hear this.
“He is the one,” breathed Bart.
Gavin’s jaw fell open. Niki noted that it did that a lot; perhaps it was some sort of feeding strategy and he was hoping to catch a stray flying crumpet.
“However, even with you to show me the way, I have struggled to fit in. My natural effervescence and allround princessiness could not be constrained even by the persistent aura of your—”
“Galactic dullness?” snapped Gavin, finding his tongue at last.
Her smile spread even wider. “I knew you’d understand.”
“Unbelievable! That’s why you’ve stuck to me like a particularly clingy shadow. You were studying me, for tips.” He slapped a hand to his forehead. “I need to sit down.”
“You are sitting down,” said Niki.
“But now it appears our efforts may have been in vain,” said Mercedes, her face pinched with worry. “The princess’s secret presence on Earth has been jeopardised.”
“The cat in the park?” said Gavin.
“Not a cat,” said Niki. “A bounty hunter. Sent by one or other of my parents to track me down.”
“Thankfully the immediate threat has been eliminated,” said Sam.
“Yes, it would seem so,” Mercedes agreed. “As soon as I got home from the Book Week planning meeting at school, I conducted an electronic sweep for signals emanating from Earth that might indicate the use of extraterrestrial technology. There is no evidence to suggest that the bounty hunter transmitted our location to either of your parents.”
“That still leaves one question,” said Sam. “How did it find us in the first place?”
Niki realised he was looking directly at her with a suspicious expression. Uh-oh. “That’s unimportant,” she said with as much nonchalance as she could muster. “What matters is that the danger has been removed.”
Mercedes cocked her head on one side. “I hadn’t finished.” She rounded on Niki. “Though there was no evidence of a signal from the bounty hunter, I did detect an echo of an earlier series of transmissions – their origin centred on Middling.”
Niki looked down at the floor, studiously avoiding eye contact with either of her guardians.
“Another hunter?” said Sam.
“I don’t think so,” said Mercedes. “Princess, is there anything you’d like to tell us?”
Niki continued to find her shoes fascinating. “Nope.”
“Gavin, do you know anything about these mysterious transmissions?” asked Sam.
“You kidding? Until today I thought you were from Spain.”
Mercedes changed tack. “How about you, Bart?”
Niki snapped her head up and glowered across the room, willing him not to reveal the existence of her illicit phone.
“Perhaps there’s something you’d like to say?” Mercedes enquired gently.
Bart shook his head and Sam subjected him to the sort of hard stare that could crack open a bank vault. “Need I remind you that your prime responsibility is to protect the princess – even from herself?” Then he added wearily, “Especially from herself.”
They continued to probe him – though not with the actual probe; that was still in the cupboard under the stairs – but even without it, Bart broke. He shot an accusing finger at Niki and blurted out, “She brought her phone from home and she’s been broadcasting amusing observational material about Earth into space but she only has six followers!”
“Seven!” shouted Niki, immediately regretting her outburst.
Slowly, her guardians turned around to regard her with admonishing looks. Sam extended a beefy hand and waggled his fingers. “Hand it over, Your Highness.”
Niki pulled out her phone. She cradled it protectively and then, with a wistful expression, slapped it into Sam’s outstretched palm.
“You were told to leave all League technology behind. For your own safety.”
“I know.” She kicked her heels. “But I’d just got an upgrade.”
Sam passed the handset to Mercedes. “Run a scan. Let’s see what damage she’s done.” He turned a reproachful gaze on Niki. “How could you?”
She flung her arms up dramatically. “I’m a prisoner! You basically kidnapped me and dragged me across the galaxy to this dreary world. I never even got a chance to say goodbye to my friends.”
“But you don’t have any friends,” puzzled Bart. “The other children were all too scared of you.”
“That’s not the point,” she hissed.
Mercedes plugged herself into the phone using one of her android connectors. Information flashed across the surface of her eyeballs and then she blinked. “What on Earth?” She touched the phone screen and launched a video.
Niki’s face filled the screen. “Your favourite galactic princess here. Still here. On Earth. Worse luck. I mean, I can understand why we went on the run, but did it have to be to this planet? Couldn’t it have been the second most forgettable world in the galaxy, or the third? Anyway, on today’s episode I’m going to address the burning question: sharks or vending machines – which are the more deadly?”
Mercedes paused the video playback, she and Sam silent with horrified disapproval.
“What?” Niki objected. “Earth vending machines kill four times as many humans as sharks every year. I believe they are attempting to take over the planet, by stealth. I’m thinking of forming an alliance.”
Sam looked aghast. “All these transmissions bouncing about in space. No wonder the bounty hunter tracked us down. And it won’t be the last.” He turned to Mercedes. “Initiate emergency plan Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.”
“Initiating,” said Mercedes, blinking once before another screed of numbers and letters began to scroll across the surface of her eyeballs. “Communicating remotely with Starburst vessel. Commencing pre-flight system check.”
“What’s going on?” said Gavin, feeling like he was missing an important part of the conversation. “What’s a Starburst vessel? What plan?”
The customarily cheery Bart drew a melancholy breath. “We’re leaving, neighbour.”
“Middling?”
Bart shook his head slowly. “Earth.”
Chapter 8
“The broadcasts made by the princess’s phone act like a trail of crumbs leading directly to Earth,” Sam explained. “It is not a matter of if, but when her parents track her down. We had intended to make a life for ourselves in Middling, but this planet is no longer secure.”
Mercedes let out a sigh. “Yes, we must uproot ourselves and re-pot.”
Gavin could tell that beneath Sam and Mercedes’ irritation with Niki for putting them in this position, they were sad at having to leave Earth. He wondered how she felt.
“Bye-bye, planet Dirt.” She waggled her fingers in a farewell gesture.
Gavin’s lip curled into a sneer. “And on behalf of everyone on the planet, I’d like to say good riddance to you too.” He hopped off the sofa and began to make his way out of the room, gesticulating wildly. “What a cheek! Using me like an instructional video.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” she called after him. “I’ve sat through more exciting films on personal hygiene.”
Bart nodded enthusiastically. “Bathing Private Ryan. That ending.”
At the door Gavin paused, swinging round to face Niki across the room. Now would be the ideal moment for a blistering put-down. He held up a reproachful finger, wagging it a couple of times, his lower jaw opening and closing as he struggled through his anger to find the right words.
“You’ll miss the school trip to Snozone,” he said at last. “You’ve paid the deposit – you won’t get it back.”
Niki clutched her chest theatrically. “Ooh, killer blow.” She huffed. “I’m more annoyed I won’t get to go to the taekwondo finals. I was looking forward to sweeping a few Middling Academy legs.” She demonstrated by executing a perfectly timed back-sweep kick that sent Bart flying.
“Aaaagh!”
THUMP!
Lying crumpled on the floor, Bart lifted his head. “Great surprise attack, Your Highness. I think you broke my ankle.” He gave her a thumbs-up, before collapsing backwards in a painful heap.
The Apples descended into an argument, with Mercedes telling Niki off for attacking her brother, Sam admonishing her for jeopardising her own safety, Niki shouting back that he was not her brother and how dare they talk to her like that, and Bart moaning quietly on the floor. As Niki’s strop grew apace and her temper soared, her hair burst into flames. Gavin let out a cry of alarm, but the flaming hair didn’t seem to bother her or any of the other Apples, so he guessed it must be something else about her alien biology she had neglected to mention.
“I’ve had enough of this,” she complained, strutting towards the door.
Sam barred her way. “You’re not going out of this house looking like that, young lady.”
Amid the clamour a thought struck Gavin. “But aren’t the taekwondo finals tonight?”
“Yes?” said Niki. She narrowed her eyes at him. “What is that vibration in your voice?” Her lips parted in surprise. “Oh my – you’re sad that I’m leaving!”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are!” Her blazing hair dimmed and she clapped her hands together in delight. “This often happens when a being as glamorous and sparkling as I comes into contact with an unevolved civilisation like yours. Dazzled by my brilliance, the grunting monobrows – that’s you lot – develop what they believe to be a strong connection to the radiant object of their attention – that’s me. It’s not real, of course. It’s certainly not reciprocated. No, what you are experiencing is nothing more than adulation for a distant and superior being. The same way you’d idolise one of those … oh, what are they called again…?” She clicked her fingers. “I want to say film…?”
