A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy, page 20
Niki made her move.
Swiping the toothbrush from the slug-trooper’s belt and clamping it between her teeth, she stepped up on to one arm of her mother’s throne and launched herself off. Catching the chandelier with both hands, she swung across the deck over the heads of the gawping crew to make a perfect two-footed landing next to Gavin. Emptying the useless batteries with a shake of her hand, she thrust it at him.
“You could’ve just thrown it,” he said.
“Would you have caught it?”
“Fair point.” He shoved the first battery into the empty compartment.
“Reverse the polarity of the electron flow!” yelled Niki.
“Huh?”
She stabbed a finger at the battery. “Wrong way!”
Swiftly correcting the position of the positive and negative poles, he inserted the second battery.
Pam and Derek were coming out of their daze and rapidly figuring out that all was not going according to plan. Their plan, anyway. Worst of all, their perfect princess had duped them both.
“Stop them!” Pam screeched.
With a slithering snap, the slug-troopers levelled their weapons. Waving their rubbery tentacles and belching clouds of black ink in panic, the octopus crew dived for cover. In the chaos, one of them tripped over the corner of a rug.
Niki whipped off her tiara and, wielding it like a boomerang, hurled it across the bridge. It flew swift and true, clattering into the barrel of the first trooper’s rifle and knocking it aside to spoil his aim. The fizzing bolt flew well wide of Gavin. He heard the sizzle of the second gun firing, and a grunt of pain. He checked himself for an injury. No holes. Niki was in one piece too.
“Fire the Diminisher!” Derek yelled.
“Sire, the ship’s systems are not responding,” reported one brave octopus who had remained at his post. “It appears we have been locked out.”
Derek stood bolt upright. “Impossible!” he bellowed. “What could possibly overpower a Type 77 battleship?”
The viewscreen flickered and the image of Earth vanished, to be replaced by an animated rainbow that sprang across the display, accompanied by a tinkling piece of music that was deeply annoying even on first hearing. Sunshine Starburst’s face zoomed in to fill the screen.
“Hi, I’m Sunshine Starburst, your unicorn buddy,” it chirped. “This flagship is now under the control of me and my magical friends: Happy Snowflake, Twilight Ruby and Barry Sutton. You can kiss my rainbow—”
“Assault troops to the bridge!” yelled Derek, but it was too late.
“Now!” cried Niki.
Gavin lifted the toothbrush, aimed it at Pam and Derek – and fired.
A cone of mint-green light leapt from the buzzing head, enveloping the rulers of the galaxy. The device drained the batteries in a matter of seconds and the cone faded almost as quickly as it had appeared. Gavin held his breath, waiting to discover if the memory erasure had worked.
Pamnatakrocula the Pitiless and D’Rek the Destroyer stirred as if from a deep sleep. The first thing they set eyes on was each other.
“Pam?” said Derek.
“Derek?” said Pam.
They looked around them, mystified at their surroundings.
“Is this Middling?” asked Derek.
“I think it’s the new department store,” replied Pam.
“Yes!” Gavin said under his breath, pumping a fist in delight. Against all hope and most reasonable expectation, his plan had worked. He turned to Niki, but she was already on the move. A terrible expression clouded her face.
“Bart,” she whispered.
He lay sprawled on the deck next to the throne, unmoving, a wisp of smoke rising from a pinpoint blasthole in his chest.
Chapter 35
Niki crouched by Bart’s prone body. He was still breathing, but barely.
“What happened to him?” asked Gavin.
“When the slug-troopers opened fire, I deflected the shot meant for you,” she said. “Bart must’ve thrown himself in front of the blaster aimed at me.” He was trying to say something, his words coming in ragged breaths. “Don’t try to speak,” she said.
“It’s OK,” he said, gazing up at her. “I was born to save you.”
“Not like this, you muppet.”
His brow creased. “What’s a muppet?”
“I believe it’s an Earth insult among siblings,” she said. “At school when Lianne Cohen’s brother changed all the contact names in her phone to seventeenth-century astronomer Johannes Kepler, that’s what she called him.”
The effort of even this short conversation was too much for Bart and he sank into unconsciousness. But just before he did a smile flickered across his lips and happily he mumbled the words, “Sibling insult…”
“Take him to the medical bay,” Niki ordered. The octopus and slug-trooper crew members hesitated, looking to Pam and Derek for their instructions. Unfortunately for the crew, their former masters were currently wandering the bridge like a couple of tourists, asking for directions to Men’s Fashion. Niki stood up and repeated the order, with her hair flaming. This time the crew tripped over themselves to obey. Bart was whisked away, and over the next two hours the ship’s medical staff managed to stabilise him, but his condition remained critical.
“What do we do now?” Gavin said as they sat vigil by his sickbed.
Niki laid her hand on his. “We need to get him home.”
Sunshine Starburst piloted the Imperial Lander back to Middling. In the cockpit Niki and Gavin could only watch as machines kept Bart alive, his vital signs weakening with every passing minute. Dawn was coming up as they touched down in the Apples’ back garden. They’d sent a message about their arrival, so Sam and Mercedes were waiting even as the ramp descended. They transferred Bart to the home office, and then to the secret underground room. Mercedes carried out a series of scans and informed them of her findings.
“The blast from the weapon has fatally compromised his heart. Even if I could fabricate a new one, he will expire before it is ready to implant.”
A dreadful silence fell over the room, and then Niki spoke up.
“What about a transplant? Bart was born to be a perfect donor for me. Which means I can be his donor, right? I have two hearts – he can have one of mine.”
Mercedes and Sam exchanged a confused look, and then Sam said, “Your Highness, why would you do such a thing?”
Gavin could see Niki’s mind working. She was finally reaching the same understanding that he had come to some time ago.
“Because he’s my brother.”
Some families you were born with; some took shape over time. Gavin’s was Nan, Grandad and Tiny Horror-shaped. Niki’s happened to be lion-android-spare-part-twin-unicorn-AI-shaped. But both of them were exactly where they wanted to be.
It was a few weeks later when Sam invited Gavin over to his home office for a chat. Sam clapped him on the back with a hefty paw, almost knocking him over. Gavin sat down, noticing a pot of tea and a jam sponge on the desk, next to a vicious-looking cake knife.
“Going after Niki like that, you were either very brave, or you had no idea what you were getting into.” He poured them both a cup of tea. “On my homeworld we honour those of exceptional courage.”
“Do I get a medal?” Gavin asked, taking a sip. He wouldn’t have objected to a medal.
“Sort of,” said Sam, picking up the knife next to the cake. “It is a symbol, etched in your skin, drawn in blood.”
“That’s not a cake knife, is it?”
Sam laughed. The blade shone in the sunlight streaming through the window. “Now where would you like it? The hind quarters are customary.”
Gavin swallowed his tea with a gulp. Just then there was a rap on the window. It was Niki. Seeing her, Gavin quickly made an excuse and left.
“Thanks for that,” he said as they crossed the lawn. “I think I was about to get my bum inscribed.”
“It’s a great honour. Sam must really like you.”
Mercedes was tending to her flower border. She looked serenely happy as she dug holes and filled them with seeds. “Staying for lunch, Gavin? It’s Nutella with cucumber and then baked bean ice lollies.”
“She still hasn’t quite got the hang of earthling food,” muttered Niki.
They sat on the wall outside the house, kicking their heels. It was only then that Gavin noticed Niki’s T-shirt. This one was decorated with the words “Galactic Princess”.
“Isn’t that a bit of a giveaway?”
“Who’s going to believe a galactic princess lives here?”
She had a point. The front door opened and Bart emerged in his tracksuit, heading out for a run. He performed a few stretches before setting off. The operation had been a complete success. Gavin wondered if some of Niki’s personality had been transplanted along with the organ, because following the procedure she and Bart had started behaving like any other siblings, trading the vilest insults and complaining loudly to Sam and Mercedes when they felt the other was receiving more than his or her fair share of screen-time/cake /attention.
“Hi, neighbour,” Gavin called to him.
He grunted in reply. Bart was less cheery since his transplant – possibly another consequence of Niki’s organ donation – which frankly came as something of a relief.
“Here,” he said, handing his sister a book. “Next time get it yourself. I’m not your slave.”
She took it and he jogged off. As he went one way along the street, from the other came Derek on his bike. He whooshed past, a blur of clashing Lycra.
“Lovely day for it,” he called out, giving them a friendly wave.
“So weird,” Gavin mumbled. “I’m never going to get used to that.”
“If you think that’s strange,” said Niki, “Pam’s the new yoga instructor at the leisure centre.”
After a family meeting, the Apples had decided that even though Pam and Derek no longer remembered their past lives it was too risky to send them away with the Galactic League fleet. Out there in the cosmos there was a chance they could be restored to their former evil selves. There was only one way to ensure the continued safety of Niki and planet Earth. Which is how the rulers of the galaxy ended up moving back into number forty-six Park Street, Middling.
Gavin turned to Niki. “If Pam and Derek are out of the galactic despot business, then technically aren’t you in charge now?”
She ran a finger across her T-shirt, underlining the words. “Yup.”
“How are you going to manage that? I mean – can you rule the galaxy and keep on top of your schoolwork?”
“I might have to give up one or two extracurricular activities. But not the orchestra. Or chess. Or taekwondo. Obviously.”
“Obviously.”
She lifted the book and stared at the cover. Gavin balked, knowing what lay within its pages.
“You’re not going to use that, are you?”
“Course not. It’s my dad’s idea of how to run things.” She turned to the inside page and the dedication, which was to her. “Pam and Derek have left the galaxy in a mess. All that fighting between them has caused chaos and division. I reckon it’s my responsibility to restore peace.” She looked up. “Want to help?”
Nan and Grandad had already started work on his new room – he wasn’t about to move to the Galactic League’s homeworld. “I can’t leave now. I’m sorry.”
“Who said anything about leaving?”
He almost fell off the wall. “You want to rule the galaxy … from Middling?”
“Why not? And while we’re at it, we need a new guidebook. This one’s full of terrible advice. What the galaxy needs is something that combines dazzling and marvellous insight – provided by me – with more down-to-earth, ordinary suggestions. Cosmically ordinary…”
“You want me to help you write a new guide?”
“Obviously my name comes first on the cover.”
“Goes without saying.”
“So you’re in?”
It was a lot to absorb. “Can I think about it?”
“Sure. Take your time,” she said, fidgeting with the book. “Galactic rulers are famously known for their incredible patience. Yup. My middle name is Empress Laid Back. Easy-going, that’s me. Nonchalant. So, have you thought about it yet?”
He didn’t answer immediately, and in the brief silence he was aware of all too familiar music coming from Niki’s open bedroom window.
“Uh, when exactly are you going to let them go?”
She shrugged – the fate of Cubic Parsec was so not important right now. “Well?”
“I’ve thought about it,” said Gavin.
She raised her eyebrows in anticipation and he shot her a grin. “I’m in.”
A smile slid across Niki’s face. “Good decision.” She held out the book and, with a heave, tossed it over her shoulder.
“Middling is about to become the centre of the galaxy.”
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Copyright
First published in the UK in 2022 by Nosy Crow Ltd
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Text copyright © David Solomons, 2022
Cover and inside illustrations copyright © George Ermos, 2022
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David Solomons, A Beginner's Guide to Ruling the Galaxy
