Bound By Temptation, page 5
“You have a beautiful house and many friends and children who love you,” I said but even as I did I knew it was the wrong thing to say, and I hated this feeling of always doing the wrong thing, of not being able to help.
“I do,” she said with a sad little smile. Slowly it faded. “Friends who don’t visit.”
I couldn’t deny it and I wasn’t even sure if Father was why they stayed away or if they’d really never cared about my mother in the first place. I opened my mouth to say something, another lie I’d feel guilty for later, but Mother kept talking. “A house that was paid for with blood money.”
Mother had never admitted that Father was doing horrible things for our money and I’d never gotten the impression that she cared much either. Money and luxury were the only things Father had always given freely to her and us. I held my breath, half-curious and half-terrified of what she would say next. Did she regret having had kids? Were we a disappointment for her?
She patted my hand. “And you kids…I should have protected you better. I was always too weak to stand up for you.”
“You did everything you could. Father would have never listened to you anyway.”
“No, he wouldn’t have,” she whispered. “But I could have tried harder. There are so many things I regret.”
I couldn’t deny it. I’d often wished that she would have stood up for us, especially for Gianna, when Father had lost it again. But there was no use in making her feel bad for something that couldn’t be changed.
“You only have this one life, Lily. Make the best of it. I wish I had done it and now it’s too late. I don’t want you to end like me, to look back at a life full of missed opportunities and lost dreams. Don’t let life pass you by. You are braver than me, brave enough to fight for your happiness.”
I swallowed, stunned by her passionate speech. “What do you mean?”
“Before I married your father, I was in love with a young man who worked in my father’s restaurant. He was sweet and charming. He wasn’t part of our world.”
I glanced toward the door, worried Father would overhear us. As if that could happen. As if he would actually set foot into this room. “Did you love him?”
“Maybe. But love is something that develops with time and we never got the chance. I could have loved him very much, I’m sure of it. We kissed behind the dumpsters once. It was cold outside and it smelled of garbage, but it was the most romantic moment of my life.” A sweet smile was on her face, an expression I’d never seen on my mother before.
Pity squeezed my heart tight. Had Father never done anything romantic for her? “What about Father?”
“Your Father…” she trailed off. She took a few shuddering breaths. Even with the help of the oxygen tank, she was struggling to breathe. “He doesn’t have time for romance. He never had.”
But he had time for whores behind my mother’s back. Even I knew about them, and I was usually the last person who got wind of these kinds of things. I’d never heard him say a kind word to Mother. I’d always assumed he could only show affection behind closed doors but now I realized he probably never did. The only nice thing he ever did was to buy her expensive jewelry.
“Don’t get me wrong, I respect your father.”
“But you don’t love him,” I finished. I’d always been sure Mother loved Father, even when he didn’t return the feeling, but finding out that there was nothing between them somehow felt like a punch in the stomach. Aria and Gianna had made the best of their arranged marriages but now I realized that many weren’t as lucky and never loved or even tolerated their husbands. Most women in our world were trapped in a loveless marriage with a cheating and sometimes even violent man.
She sighed, her eyes sliding shut, her skin becoming even paler than before. “I always told myself there was still time to do the things I love, to be happy, and now? Now it’s too late.”
Would those words always feel like a punch every time she voiced them? “No,” I said shakily. “It’s not. Don’t give up.”
She looked at me with a sad smile. “It won’t be much longer. For me there’s nothing but regret. But you have your whole life ahead of you, Liliana. Promise me you’ll live it to the fullest. Try to be happy.”
I swallowed hard. All my life my mother had told me to accept my fate, to be a good girl, to be dutiful. “I want to marry for love.”
“You should,” she whispered.
“Father won’t allow it. He’ll find someone for me, won’t he?”
“Aria and Gianna made good matches. You don’t have to marry for tactical reasons. You should be free to fall in love and marry that special boy.”
An image of Romero popped into my head, and a swarm of butterflies filled my stomach.
“I remember that look,” Mother said softly. “There is someone, hm?”
I blushed. “It’s silly. He isn’t even interested in me.”
“How could he not be? You’re beautiful and intelligent and come from a good family. He’d be crazy not to fall for you.”
I’d never talked to Mother like this, and I felt incredibly sad that it had taken cancer for us to be this close. I wished she’d been that kind of mother before, and then I felt guilty for thinking something like that. “He’s not someone Father would approve of,” I said eventually. And that was a huge understatement. “He’s just a soldier.”
“Oh,” Mother whispered. She had trouble keeping her eyes open. “Don’t let anyone stop you from achieving happiness.” The last few words were barely audible as Mother slowly drifted off to sleep. I slipped my hand out from beneath hers and stood. Her breathing was labored, raspy and flat. I could almost imagine how it would stop any second. I backed out of the room but didn’t close the door. I wanted to make sure I would hear it if Mother called for help.
I headed toward the staircase where I almost bumped into Father. “Mother, will be happy to see you,” I said. “But she’s just fallen asleep, so you will have to wait a bit.”
He loosened his tie. “I wasn’t going to your mother. I have a few more meetings scheduled.”
“Oh, right.” That’s why he smelled like a perfume shop and why his suit was wrinkled. He’d spent the morning with one of his whores and was probably on his way to the next. “But she’d love to see you later.”
Father narrowed his eyes. “Did you call your sister? Luca called me this morning to tell me he and Aria were on their way to Chicago to visit your mother.”
“They have a right to say goodbye.”
“Do you really think they want to see your mother like this? Your mother was once a proud woman, if she were still in her right mind, she wouldn’t want anyone to see her in this pitiful state.”
Anger bubbled up. “You’re embarrassed by her, that’s all!”
He raised a finger in warning. “Careful. Don’t take that tone with me. I know you’re under a lot of pressure but my patience is running thin at the moment.”
I pressed my lips together. “Are Aria and Luca still coming, or did you forbid them from visiting?” I didn’t mention that Gianna would be visiting as well. He’d find out soon enough and then Luca would hopefully be there to calm him down.
“They’ll be here in the afternoon. That’ll give Luca and Dante the chance to discuss business.”
That’s what he worried about? Business? His wife was dying and he didn’t give a shit. I nodded and left without another word. Half an hour later I watched my father leave the house again. There had been a time when I’d looked up to him. When I’d seen him in his black suites and thought he was the most important person in the world. But that hadn’t lasted long. The first time he raised his hand against Mother, I knew he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
***
Aria, Gianna, and Luca arrived two hours later. Matteo had stayed in New York. Not only because Luca needed someone he trusted there, but because Gianna’s encounter with Father would be explosive anyway. If Matteo was there as well, someone would die.
Aria and Gianna hugged me tightly in greeting. “How are you?” Aria asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s hard to see Mother so weak.”
“And Father acting like a jerk isn’t helping,” Gianna muttered.
Luca gave me a small nod. “I’ll wait in the kitchen. I still have a few phone calls to make.”
I had a feeling he only wanted to give us time alone with our mother and I was grateful for that. I almost asked him about Romero but then I stopped myself.
I led my sisters upstairs. When we stepped into Mother’s bedroom, shock flashed across their faces. Even I, who kept her company every day, was shocked every morning when I saw how broken she looked, and the smell was horrible as well. The nurses cleaned the floor and furniture with disinfectant twice a day but the stench of decay and urine still covered everything. It even seemed to cling to my clothes and skin, and clogged my nose when I couldn’t sleep at night.
Mother was awake, but it took a moment before recognition shone in her eyes. Then she smiled, and for a moment, despite the tubes disappearing in her nose, she didn’t look like death had already marked her as his. Aria immediately walked toward the bed and hugged Mother carefully. Gianna was tense beside me. She and Mother hadn’t seen each other in a while, and they hadn’t exactly parted on good terms. When Aria stepped back, Mother’s gaze settled on Gianna and she started crying. “Oh Gianna,” she whispered. Gianna rushed toward our mother and embraced her as well. It almost broke my heart that this reunion had such a horrible reason. I wished we’d come together like this long before today. I pulled two more chairs toward the bed and put them next to the one I’d spent countless hours in. We all sat down and Mother looked at peace for the first time in a while. I let Aria and Gianna talk and listened. Gianna leaned over to me when Aria told Mother about a new exhibition in New York. “Where’s Fabi? Shouldn’t he be home?”
“Father always has someone pick him up from school and then I don’t see Fabi until dinner.”
“Is he inducting Fabi already? Fabi’s way too young for that bullshit.”
“I don’t know. It’s difficult to talk to Fabi about it. He doesn’t tell me everything like he used to. He’s changed a lot since Mother got sick. Sometimes I don’t recognize him.”
“The mob changes them all. It sucks the good out of them,” Gianna murmured.
“Look at Matteo and Luca, and Romero they aren’t all bad.”
Gianna sighed. “They aren’t good either. Far from it. With Fabi, I know how he used to be before the rottenness wormed its way into him, but with Luca and Matteo I always only knew them as Made Men, so it’s different.” Gianna narrowed her eyes in contemplation. “Are you still crushing on Romero? Shouldn’t you have moved on to a new target by now?”
I flushed, but didn’t reply. Luckily, Aria involved Gianna in the conversation and I could relax again.
***
Gianna, Aria and I fell asleep in our chairs. Two hours later we were woken by Father’s sharp voice. “What is she doing here?”
I sat up, taking a few seconds to get my bearings. Father stood in the doorway and was glaring daggers at Gianna. He still hadn’t forgiven her for what she’d done. He’d probably take his wrath into the grave with him.
“I’m not here to see you, believe me,” Gianna muttered.
Aria rose from her chair and went over to Father to give him a quick hug. Usually his mood always brightened when she was around but he didn’t even look at her.
“I don’t want you in my house,” he said to Gianna.
I spotted Fabi a couple of steps behind him, obviously unsure how to react. I knew he’d missed Gianna very much and had always been eager to talk to her on the phone, but Father’s influence on him had grown in the last few months and it was clear that my little brother wasn’t sure which side to choose.
I stood, chancing a worried look at Mother. She was still out from her meds. I didn’t want her to witness this. “Please, let’s discuss this outside,” I whispered.
Father turned on his heel and stepped out into the corridor without a single glance at Mother. The rest of us followed. Gianna didn’t give Fabi a chance to make up his mind, she hugged him and after a moment he hugged her back. Father glowered at my brother. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t able to let his stupid pride take a backseat for once. Mother needed us in her last days, but he didn’t give a damn. He didn’t even wait for me to close the door before he went off again.
“I forbade you from stepping foot into this house,” he snarled.
I slid the door shut and leaned against it. My legs felt shaky.
“It’s also Mother’s house and she asked to see me,” Gianna said. It was true. I’d lost count of the many times Mother had asked about Gianna.
“I paid for this house and my word is law.”
“Don’t you have any respect for the wishes of your dying wife?” Gianna hissed.
I was pretty sure Father would have hit Gianna, even though she was Matteo’s wife, but Luca came upstairs in that moment. It didn’t stop Father from saying more nasty things and Gianna from firing right back at him. I couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed past them. Their fighting followed me down the corridor and even downstairs I could still hear their shouting. I stormed into the kitchen, threw the door shut and leaned against it before I buried my face in my hands. The tears I’d been fighting for so long, pressed against my eyeballs. I couldn’t hold them back.
A noise made me look up. Romero stood at the kitchen counter and was watching me over his coffee cup. I cringed in embarrassment and quickly tried to wipe my cheeks clean. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know someone was in here.” I didn’t even know Romero was here at all, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. Since Matteo had stayed in New York, Luca needed someone who could keep an eye on my sisters when he was busy.
“This is your home,” he said simply. His eyes were kind and understanding. I had to look away or I’d really start bawling, snot and sobs and all, and that was the last thing I wanted.
“It used to be,” I whispered. I knew I needed to keep my mouth shut but the words kept coming. “But now it feels like I’m trapped. There’s nothing good. Anywhere I look there is just darkness, just sickness, and hate and fear.” I fell silent, shocked by my outburst.
Romero set down his coffee. “When was the last time you left the house?”
I didn’t even know. I shrugged.
“Let’s take a walk. We can get a coffee. It’s really warm outside.”
Euphoria burst through the dark cloud that had been my emotions in the last few weeks. “Are you sure that’s okay?”
“I’ll check with Luca but I don’t see why it should be a problem. Just a sec.”
I stepped aside so he could walk by. His delicious aftershave entered my nose as he passed me and I wanted to press my nose into his shirt to find solace in his scent. My eyes followed him, traced his broad shoulders and narrow hips. Mother’s words shot through my mind again. Maybe happiness wasn’t as far away as I thought.
Romero
I shouldn’t even consider being alone with Lily, not now, not ever. Not when I couldn’t stop noticing how grown up she looked. She wasn’t the little girl I’d first met. She was a woman in marriageable age now, but she was out of my league. At least by her father’s standard. I was one of the best fighters in New York, only Luca and Matteo were as good with the knife or the gun, and I wasn’t exactly penniless, but I definitely wasn’t mob royalty and couldn’t afford a penthouse like Luca’s. I wasn’t even sure why the fuck I was thinking about those kinds of things now. I wasn’t going to ask for Lily’s hand, not now, not ever, and at this time there were more important things to take care of.
I climbed the stairs, following the sound of arguing. Gianna and her father were at it again and Luca seemed to try to keep them from ripping their heads off. Only problem was that he looked like he was close to losing his own shit. I walked toward them and Luca gave me an exasperated look. Scuderi was a pain in the ass, and Luca wasn’t the most patient person on this planet. A bad combination. He came toward me. “I’m going to lose my fucking mind if Gianna and her old man don’t stop fighting.”
“Lily is taking it badly. She’s had to witness her mother’s deterioration for months now. I want to take her out for a walk and a coffee to take her mind off things.”
Luca scanned my face with an expression I didn’t like one bit. “Sure, but I really don’t need any more problems. Things between New York and Chicago are already shaky.”
“I won’t do anything that’ll hurt our relationship to Chicago.”
Luca nodded but he didn’t look convinced. He glanced back to Scuderi and his two daughters. “I better get back. Be back before dinner, then Scuderi doesn’t have to know Liliana ever left the house. The bastard hardly pays attention to anything, least of all that girl.”
I turned on my heel, leaving Luca to his shitty task of mediating between Scuderi and Gianna. Lily sat at the kitchen table when I entered the room but quickly rose, a hopeful expression on her pretty face. Pretty? What the fuck, Romero? I couldn’t start thinking like that when I was around her. Lines easily got blurry, and Luca was right. We didn’t need any more shit on our plate.
“So? Can we go out?” Lily asked with that same hopeful smile on her face.
I stopped more than an arm-length away. “Yes, but we need to get back before dinner.”
That left a little more than two hours.
A hint of disappointment flickered in her eyes but it was gone quickly. “Then let’s go.”
We stepped out of the house and Lily stopped on the sidewalk and tilted her head up with a blissful expression. Sunrays cast her face in a soft glow. “This feels so good,” she said softly.
I know so many things that feel even better.
How would her face look in the throes of passion? It was something I’d probably never find out. I didn’t say anything, only watched her as she soaked in the sun.
