Bound By Temptation, page 4
Was she still mad at me for stopping her from kissing me at her birthday more than two years ago? “Maybe I can help you,” I said instead.
She sighed, her shoulders slumping a bit more. With that expression of weariness, she looked older somehow, like a grown woman, and I had to remind myself of my promise and oath again. Her eyes brimmed with tears when she peered up at me but they didn’t fall.
“Hey,” I said softly. I wanted to touch her, brush her hair away from her. Fuck. I wanted much more than that, but I stayed where I was. I couldn’t go around touching a daughter of the Outfit’s Consigliere. I shouldn’t even have been alone with her.
“You can’t tell anyone,” she said.
I hesitated. Luca was my Capo. There were certain things I couldn’t keep from him. “You know I can’t promise you that without knowing what you’re going to tell me.” And then I wondered if maybe she was pregnant, if maybe someone had broken her heart, and the idea made me furious. I wasn’t supposed to want her, I shouldn’t want her, and yet…
“I know, but it’s not about the Outfit or the Famiglia. It’s…” She lowered her gaze and swallowed. “God, I’m not supposed to tell anyone. And I hate it. I hate that we’re keeping up the charade when things are falling apart.”
I waited patiently, giving her the time she obviously needed.
Her shoulders began to shake but she still didn’t cry. I wasn’t sure how she did it. “My mother has cancer.”
That wasn’t what I’d expected. Although, now that I thought about it, her mother had looked pale despite the thick layer of make-up on her face.
I touched Lily’s bare shoulder and tried to ignore how good it felt, how smooth her skin was. “I’m sorry. Why don’t you talk to Aria about it? I thought you and her talk about everything.”
“Gianna and Aria talk about everything. I’m the little sister, the fifth wheel.” She sounded bitter. “Sorry.” She released a long breath, obviously trying to get a grip on her emotions. “Father forbid me from telling anyone, even Aria, and here I am telling you.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” I promised before I could really think it through. What was I doing promising that kind of thing to Lily? Luca and the Famiglia were my priority. I had to consider the consequences if the wife of the Consigliere was sick. Would that weaken him and the Outfit? Luca might think so. And not just that, I was supposed to protect Aria. Wasn’t it my job to tell her that her mother was sick? That was the problem if you started to think with your dick. Then things always got messed up.
Lily tilted her head to the side with a curious expression. “You won’t?”
I leaned against the wall beside her, wondering how I was going to get me out of that corner. “But don’t you think you should tell your sister? It’s her mother. She deserves to know the truth.”
“I know, don’t you think I know that?” she whispered desperately. “I want to tell her. I feel so guilty for keeping it a secret. Why do you think I’m hiding in the hallway?”
“Then tell her.”
“Father would be furious if he found out. He’s been on edge for a long time. Sometimes I think it takes only the smallest incident and he’ll put a bullet through my head.”
She sounded fucking scared of her own father. And the bastard was scary. I took her hand. “Has he done anything to you? I’m sure Luca could figure out a way to keep you safe.” What the fuck was I talking? Scuderi would convince Dante to start a war if Luca took his youngest daughter away from him. You never got involved in other people’s family problems. That was one of the most important rules in our world.
“Father wouldn’t allow it,” she said matter-of-factly. She really wasn’t the kid I’d first met. This world took away your innocence far too soon. “And he didn’t do anything, but he’d be furious if I went against his direct orders.”
“You know your sister, she’d never tell anyone.”
“Then she’d have to bear the secret and she wouldn’t even be able to talk to Mother about it. Why is everything such a mess? Why can’t I have a normal family?”
“We can’t choose our family.”
“And in my case, not even my future husband,” she said. Then she shook her head. “I don’t know why I said it. This isn’t what I should be worried about now.” She looked down at my hand, which was still holding hers. I released her. If Scuderi or one of his men walked in on us, Scuderi would have a new reason to lose his shit.
“You know what? I will tell her,” Lily said suddenly. She straightened and gave me a grateful smile. “You are right. Aria deserves to know the truth.” Now that she didn’t lean against the wall anymore, we were even closer. I should have taken a step back and kept my distance, but instead my eyes were drawn to her lips.
Lily surprised me by walking away. “Thank you for your help.” I watched her turn the corner and then she was gone.
Liliana
My heart hammered in my chest, not only because I’d been alone with Romero and had barely managed to leave without kissing him, but because I was determined to go against Father’s orders. Maybe Romero had said the truth and he wouldn’t tell my sister and Luca about my mother, but really why should he keep a secret for me? We weren’t a couple, we weren’t even friends. We were nothing to each other. The thought buried itself like a heavy weight in my stomach.
It was better if I told Aria now. She’d find out eventually, and I wanted it to be from me. I found her in the living room, a plate with prosciutto in her hand. She was talking to Valentina. I walked toward them and Valentina noticed me first. There was a flicker of pity in her green eyes before she smiled at me. Did she know?
Of course, she did. Father probably had told his boss Dante right away, and Dante had told his wife. Had Father told other people as well? People he thought more deserving of the truth than his own family? “Hi Val,” I said. “Can I steal Aria from you for a moment? I have to talk to her.”
Aria gave me a questioning look but Valentina nodded merely. I linked arms with my sister and casually strolled through the room with her. I didn’t want Father or Mother to get suspicious. I caught Romero’s gaze across the room. He stood beside Luca and Dante but was looking my way. He gave me a small encouraging nod and somehow that small gesture made me feel better. In the last two years I’d convinced myself that the thing with Romero was nothing but a silly crush but now I wasn’t so sure anymore.
“Lily, what’s going on? You’ve been acting very odd all evening,” Aria whispered as we headed toward the lobby.
“I’m going to tell you in a moment. I want us to be alone.”
Aria’s face clouded with worry. “Has anything happened? Do you need help?”
I led her upstairs and into my room. When the door had closed behind us, I released Aria and sank down on my bed. Aria sat down beside me.
“It’s Mother,” I said in a whisper. “She’s got lung cancer.” Maybe I should have broken it to her in a less direct manner, but it wouldn’t have made the news less horrible.
Aria stared at me wide eyes, then she slumped against the wall, releasing a harsh breath. “Oh God. I thought she looked exhausted but I blamed it on another fight with Father.”
“They’re still fighting and it’s making everything worse.”
Aria wrapped her arm around me and for a moment we held each other in silence. “Why hasn’t she told me herself?”
“Father doesn’t want anyone to know. He actually forbid me from telling you.”
Aria pulled back. “He forbid you?”
“He wants to keep up appearances. I think he’s embarrassed by Mother’s sickness.” I hesitated. “That’s why I didn’t tell you right away. I didn’t know what to do, but I talked to Romero and he convinced me to tell you.”
Aria searched my face. “Romero, hm?”
I shrugged. “Will you tell Gianna when you’re back in New York?”
“Of course,” Aria said. “I hate that she can’t be here.” She sighed. “I want to talk to Mother about it. She needs our support but how can we give it to her if we’re not supposed to know?”
I didn’t know. “I hate how Father’s acting. He’s so cold toward her. You’re so lucky Aria that you have a husband who cares about you.”
“I know. One day you’ll have that too.”
I really hoped she’d be right. Life with someone like my father would be a hell I couldn’t survive.
***
Every day, Mother faded a bit more. Sometimes it felt like all I had to do was look away for a moment and her skin had already become a scarier shade of grey and she’d lost even more weight. Even her beautiful hair was gone completely. It was impossible to keep her sickness a secret anymore. Everyone knew. When other people were around Father played the doting and worried husband but at home when we were alone he could barely stand Mother’s presence as if he worried that she was infectious. It fell on me to support her while I tried get through my last year in school. Aria, Gianna and I talked on the phone almost every day. Without them I couldn’t have survived. And at night when I lay in the dark and couldn’t sleep from worry and fear, I remembered the way Romero had looked at me at our Christmas party, as if he saw me for the very first time, really saw me as a woman and not just a stupid child. The look in his brown eyes made me feel warmer even if it was only a memory.
A soft knock made me sit up. “Yes?” I asked quietly. ‘Please don’t let Mother be throwing up again’. I wanted one night without the acid smell in my nose. I felt bad for the thought. How could I think something like that?
The door opened and Fabi poked his head through the gap before he slipped in. His dark hair was dishevelled and he was in his pajamas. I hadn’t drawn the curtains so I could tell that he’d cried but I didn’t mention it. Fabi had turned twelve several months ago and was too proud to admit his feelings to anyone, even me.
“Are you asleep?”
“Do I look like I’ve been sleeping?” I asked teasingly.
He shook his head, then he put his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants. He was too old to come into bed with me because he was scared of something. Father would have ripped Fabi’s head off if he’d found him with tears on his face in my room. Weakness wasn’t something Father tolerated in his son, or anyone really.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I scooted to the side. “I can’t sleep anyway.”
“You’ve got only girl movies,” he said as if I was asking a huge favor of him but he headed toward my DVD shelf and picked something. Then he sat down beside me with his back against my headboard. The movie started and we watched in silence for a long time.
“Do you think Mom is going to die?” Fabi asked suddenly, his gaze fixed on the screen.
“No,” I said with all the conviction I didn’t feel.
***
My eighteenth birthday was today, but there would be no party. Mother was too sick. There was no room in our house for celebrations or happiness. Father was hardly home anymore, always gone on business, and recently Fabi had started to accompany him. And so I was left alone with Mother. Of course there was a nurse and our maid, but they weren’t family. Mother didn’t want them around and so I was the one sitting at her bed after school, reading to her, trying to pretend that her room didn’t smell of death and hopelessness. Aria and Gianna had called in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. I knew they’d wanted to visit, but Father had forbidden it. Not even for my birthday he could be nice.
I put the book down that I’d read to Mother. She was asleep. The noise of her respiratory aid, a click and rattling, filled the room. I stood, needing to walk around a bit. My legs and back were stiff from sitting all day.
I walked toward the window and peered out. Life was happening everywhere around me. My phone buzzed in my pocket, startling me from my thoughts. I took it out and found an unknown number on my screen. I pressed it against my ear. “Hello?” I whispered as I walked out into the corridor as not to disturb my mother, even though noises hardly woke her anymore.
“Hello Liliana.”
I froze. “Romero?” I couldn’t believe he’d called me, and then a horrible idea struck me, and the only explanation for his call. “God, did something happen to my sisters?”
“No, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” His voice was smooth and warm and deep, and it soothed me like honey did with a sore throat.
“Oh,” I said. I braced myself against the wall as my pulse slowed again. “Thank you. Did my sister tell you it was my birthday?” I smiled lightly. I could imagine Aria doing that, hoping to cheer me up. She hadn’t talked to me about it but I was fairly sure she knew that I still liked Romero after all this time.
“She didn’t have to. I know your birthday.”
I didn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say. He remembered my birthday?
“Do you have birthday plans?”
“No. I’ll stay at home and take care of my mother,” I said tiredly. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept through the night. If Mother didn’t wake me because she threw up or was in pain, then I lay awake staring into nothingness.
Romero was silent on the other end, then in an even gentler voice he said. “Things will get better. I know things look hopeless right now but they won’t always be like this.”
“You’ve seen a lot of death in your life. How can you stand it?”
“It’s different if it’s someone you care for who’s dying, or if it’s business-related.” He had to be careful what he said on the phone, so I regretted having brought it up, but hearing his voice felt too good. “My Father died when I was fourteen. We weren’t as close as I’d wanted us to be but his death was the only one that really got me so far.”
“Mother and I aren’t as close as many of my friends are with their mothers, and now that she’s dying I regret it.”
“There’s still time. Maybe more than you think.”
I wanted him to be right but deep down I knew it was only a matter of weeks before Mother would lose her battle. “Thanks, Romero,” I said softly. I wanted to see his face, wanted to smell his comforting scent.
“Do something that’ll make you happy today, even it’s only something small.”
“This is making me happy,” I admitted.
“That’s good,” he said. Silence followed.
“I need to go now.” Suddenly my admittance embarrassed me. When would I stop putting myself out there? I wasn’t someone who was good at hiding her emotions and I hated it.
“Goodbye,” Romero said.
I ended the call without another word, then stared at my phone for a long time. Was I reading too much into Romero’s call? Maybe he wanted to be polite and call the sister of his boss’s wife on her eighteenth birthday to gain some bonus points. But Romero didn’t seem to be the type for that. Then why had he called? Had it something to do with the way he’d looked at me at our Christmas party? Was he starting to like me as much as I liked him?
***
Two weeks after my birthday, Mother’s health deteriorated even further. Her skin was papery and cold, her eyes glazed from the painkillers. My grip on her was loose, scared of hurting her. She looked so breakable. Deep down I knew it wouldn’t be much longer. I wanted to believe a miracle would happen, but I wasn’t a small kid anymore. I knew better. Sometimes I wished I were still that naïve girl I used to be.
“Aria?” Mother said in a wispy voice.
I jerked up in my chair and leaned closer. “No, it’s me Liliana.”
Mother’s eyes focused on me and she smiled softly. It looked horribly sad on her worn out face. She’d been so beautiful and proud once, and now she was only a shell of that woman.
“My sweet Lily,” she said.
I pressed my lips together. Mother had never been the overly affectionate type. She’d hugged us and read bedtime stories to us and generally tried to be the best mother she knew how to be, but she’d almost never called us nicknames. “Yes, I’m here.” At least until Father tried to send me away again. If it was up to him Mother would be locked away from everyone she loved, only cared for by the nurses he’d hired until she finally passed away. I tried to tell myself it was because he wanted to protect her, to let a proud woman be remembered as she used to be and not only for her sickness, but I had a feeling that wasn’t his main incentive. Sometimes I wondered if he was embarrassed by her.
“Where are your sisters? And Fabi?” She peered over my head as if she expected to see them there.
I lowered my gaze to her chin, not able to look into her eyes. “Fabi is busy with school.” That was a blatant lie. Father made sure Fabi was busy with God-only-knew-what, so he didn’t spend too much time with our mother. As if Father worried her sickness would rub off on Fabi if he got too close. “Aria and Gianna will be here soon. They can’t wait to see you again.”
“Did your Father call them?” Mother asked.
I didn’t want to lie to her again. But how could I tell her that Father didn’t want them to come visit our dying Mother, that they wouldn’t even have known she was close to dying if I hadn’t called them. I filled her glass with water and held it up to her lips. “You need to drink.”
Mother took a small sip but then she turned her head away. “I’m not thirsty.”
My heart broke as I sat the glass back down on her nightstand. I searched for something to talk to my mother about, but the thing I really wanted to tell her about, my crush on Romero, was something I couldn’t trust her with. “Do you need anything? I could get you some soup.”
She gave a small shake of her head. She was watching me with a strange expression and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t even sure why. There was such a look of forlornness and longing in her gaze that it spoke to a dark place deep inside of me. “God, I don’t even remember how it is to be young and carefree anymore.”
Carefree? I hadn’t felt carefree for a very long time.
“There’s so much I wanted to do, so many dreams I had. Everything seemed possible.” Her voice got stronger as if the memory drew energy from somewhere deep inside of her body.
