Scent of a Nightmare, page 2
Within minutes she was dressed in a pink dress and I brushed her hair into a high ponytail as we danced to the toothbrush song we made up. I’m pretty sure it was from a cartoon I used to watch as a kid and we added our own phrases to it.
“Brushing our teeth. So much fun. I always let the water run.” I sang to her, off key of course.
She giggled and drew her finger into the glob of pink toothpaste that dripped from her mouth onto the counter.
“Ro is going to be upset, we're making a mess.” I told her and then kissed her cheek.
She smiled playfully at me.
She looked like him when she smiled like that. It made me want to look away, but at the same time I saw more of myself in her. She reminded me of myself when I was a kid. Her imagination and her temper. I remembered always wanting to be off on an adventure and not being able to sit still. Her preschool teacher said she talked a lot and told the wildest stories. Sometimes they couldn’t get her to focus on anything, but it was preschool and to me she just had an overactive imagination. She reminded me of my childhood and all the games I used to play as a kid.
The neighborhood kids and I used to imagine these crazy games where we were off rescuing each other and pretending the ground was lava. We would jump through the playground equipment and avoid touching the ground. I always came up with the storylines and characters.
Waylan reminded me of those memories, the good ones.
But when she got that goofy grin and her eyes crinkled at the edges... it brought on a different kind of wave of anxiety and I hated it because she was my perfect little girl. She was the light to my darkness. The only person who grounded me. How someone so innocent and perfect could come from someone like him, always made me feel a whole wave of emotion that I could never explain.
We walked down the stairs and I grabbed the bedding from my bed to take to the laundromat. I dialed my work as we walked down the rickety wooden stairs. They creaked with every step we took and I was certain we were going to fall through them at some point.
The phone rang four times and my least favorite coworker answered.
“Life is best at Daycare Crest. This is Leanne, how can we help you today?” She greeted me with a yawn at the other end.
I hesitated and then she sighed.
“Wait, Cadence is that you?” She asked, annoyed.
“Hi Leanne.” I replied
There was a beat of awkward silence. We both knew I was calling off. I also knew she was going to try and make me find a replacement.
“I can’t make it to work today.” I ripped the bandaid off as I spewed the words fast. The anxiety of calling off took me by storm. I shouldn’t care this much, but I did.
“Well, have you tried calling around and finding someone to cover?” She asked, just as I predicted she would.
“Yeah.” I lied. “No one can, but I have an appointment to take Waylan to. I’m sorry.”
“Whatever.” She said and hung up the phone.
I cringed at the loud click of the receiver on the other end.
At least I will have the day off now.
Maybe I should’ve washed my hair.
We walked into the dingy blue kitchen and Waylan sat at the round table. I dropped my bedding onto the floor and turned to the counter. I poured her a bowl of cereal and then carried it to the table. She was singing the ABC’s, in the wrong order and I thought maybe we should practice those more, when Ronnie walked into the kitchen from the front porch. I thought she already left, but the look on her face made my heart freeze. She looked over at me as she placed her phone into her handbag on the counter with shaky hands. Her face looked pale as she frowned at me.
My heart stopped beating.
Something is wrong.
Did he find me?
Is grandma, ok?
Grandpa?
“What happened?” I asked her.
“Grandpa had a stroke.” She said with unease. “Cade, it’s not good. I think... we need to go back.”
The oxygen left the tiny, outdated kitchen. I felt my lungs wither in my chest, and I held my breath, desperate to savor the air I sucked in minutes before my world came crashing down around me.
Home.
Back to Pineview Lake.
Then I exhaled and my lungs felt as though they fluttered like a deflated balloon.
CADENCE
TEN HOURS IN A CAR with a five year old is not for the weak of heart. Dear lord, it was a journey. We drove through the night and had to stop at least seven times. I was hoping that Waylan would sleep most of the time, but instead she got car sick at one point and threw up. She then proceeded to cry that she was bored and Ronnie got so mad that she pulled over and yelled at her. That triggered me and made me fight with Ronnie, which led to all three of us crying and yelling at each other for the last haul of the trip.
I’m booking a flight out of here this time.
I hoped this was the last and final time I had to go home. I hated thinking that because I loved my grandparents and not seeing them was the black void that swallowed me whole sometimes.
Ronnie turned the car onto the familiar street off of the main road. A wooden sign with white letters and an olive-green background. It was the same color as the beautiful green lake house and unknowingly it gladly welcomed us to Pineview. My hands started to grow clammy, and my thighs started to cramp with fear. I shook my legs and sunk deeper into the seat. Ronnie peered at me from the corner of her eye. She seemed to know something happened to me here, but we never talked about it. I never opened up to her about it. She would be the last person I would tell anyways.
She pulled into the small town we once called home and I fidgeted, flipping my phone in my hand over and over again. I hadn't been back in six years. Six years ago, I dropped everyone I once knew. I stopped talking to my best friend, Kylie. I broke up with Shane for the final time. I cut ties with the rest of our group of friends, and I never looked back. I started a new life that no one knew about.
Now I am back.
Waylan was coming with me... back to my past.
Did our group of friends still hang out?
Do they still live here?
Would they recognize me?
Was my darkness still here?
I need a cigarette.
I raged war with my own thoughts as I watched the town morph into something that was familiar, but also unfamiliar at the same time. It felt like pulling out my favorite pair of jeans from storage. As I tried to wear them again, they just fit differently...not as comfortable as they once were.
I am here to see grandpa.
Tell him I love him and then tell grandma I love her and then go home.
A few days at the most.
Maybe a few hours actually.
They were the only tie I had to this place.
Ronnie said Grandpa was nonverbal now. The stroke took his ability to walk and talk. Grandpa refused to go into a rehabilitation center and wanted to be at home. They hired an in-home nurse, and he asked us to come home because he wanted to see us. I couldn’t deny him. I owed him. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to him and the last thing, I said to them was ‘I’m really busy, maybe next time.’
That was the last thing I told him and grandma. They called to ask me if I could come home for Christmas. They had presents for Waylan and I told them no. Then I changed my number and stopped communicating with them.
That was three years ago.
I was a piece of shit. I knew it. I hurt a lot of people, but I had to. It was the only way to keep them and Waylan safe. Now here I was bringing her into the world I desperately tried to get out of.
What kind of mom did that make me?
Ronnie pulled into town center and slowed the car into a parking spot in front of a small coffee shop. I had sunk into the seat deeper and pulled my baseball cap down farther on my head.
“Ronnie, we're a few minutes away. Waylan is exhausted. I smell like a dirty sock, and I just want to get to the house. Can we make coffee there?” I begged her. It was a Friday afternoon, and everyone was in town center. It didn’t help that it was tourist season and everyone and their mother was here visiting.
Ronnie glared at me as she parked the car. Clearly, she was still mad from when I called her a fat dink earlier. At least she left the car running while she walked into the coffee shop. Waylan stirred in the backseat and started wiggling back and forth.
“Momma... I gotta go potty.” She whined.
I groaned. Of course you do.
“Can you hold it please?” I begged her.
Please god let her forget she has to go.
I will do anything.
I waited for few minutes and held my breath. I hoped my prayer was answered. I sent another after I heard her shifting in the backseat again. I even began to promise to go to church, even though I had never stepped foot in one since I was ten... but I guess that is what I did wrong because it didn’t work.
“Momma.” She said again.
I groaned and unbuckled my seatbelt. My hands were shaking as I turned the car off and climbed out of the passenger seat. I knew, no one was looking at me, but it felt like the whole town was staring at me. It felt like they were whispering about me and saying things about me. I pulled the hat down farther and unbuckled Waylan from her car seat. I sighed again and tears threatened to hit me, but I choked them back. It was ridiculous to cry about having to get out of the car.
What the hell was I thinking bringing her here?
What if he was here?
What if he recognized her.
What if...
I shook my head. I needed to get myself together. Chances are, he doesn’t live here anymore or would remember me. It’s been six long years.
Waylan jumped from the seat and I yelped at her need to run. The streets were congested and cars were flying up and down them. People were sitting at a table outside of the ice cream parlor next door to the coffee shop. When I was younger the coffee shop was called Bohemian Chic. The ice cream parlor used to be a brunch spot where Kylie and I used to go to every Saturday. That was the first place I kissed Shane at. I stared at the ice cream parlor for a moment and then directed Way into the new coffee shop.
It was packed. There were dozens of people laughing and talking all around. The dark walls and industrial architecture gave the place a cozy vibe. The sweet scent of coffee filled the air and my stomach growled at the smell of pastries heating in a microwave oven. I pulled Waylan into a dark hallway off to the right and noticed it had a bulletin board of advertisements. It contained different events in the town. There were dogs that needed to be adopted posted on it along with the events that were happening this summer. Help wanted ads for the different restaurants around the town and there were also pictures of lost and found items from tourists.
I glanced away from the board and back towards the bathrooms.
There were two bathrooms and a tall man dressed in black stood in front of us. Waylan and I waited behind him as she danced.
“Momma.” She whispered sheepishly.
The man turned to see us and smiled at her. I tried to look away from him, but his deep brown eyes caught me. My cheeks flushed at him and suddenly I was too warm.
Fuck me... he was gorgeous.
I wasn’t expecting that. His jet-black hair was styled neatly on top of his head, and he had a perfect white teeth smile.
And all I could think was I smelled like a dirty sock, all while praying my child wouldn’t piss herself in front of him.
He grinned at me. “You guys can go ahead of me.”
I stared at him like an idiot. I forgot what the English language was when he spoke to us. Waylan danced and pulled me hard.
He looked down at Waylan and then at me in awkward silence as a woman brushed past us out one of the bathrooms.
“Uhh huh.” I whispered back to him, as Waylan pulled me into the bathroom with her. I shut the door and stood dumbfounded why I was so fucking stupid.
What is wrong with me? I thought as I leaned my back against the door.
Waylan did her thing, flushed the toilet, and washed her hands.
“Momma I want a cake pop.” She demanded as she shook water from the sink around us.
“Not today baby.” I told her and she gave me a devastating look.
“Why?” She asked.
“Because I said so.” I told her. I really didn’t want to run into anyone that I may know.
“I say yes.” She protested.
I knew what was coming before it came.
She crossed her arms and started yelling.
“I SAY YES!”
Pick your battles Cadence. Cake pop and leave quietly. Or carry out a screaming toddler. Just know if she screams, she will not get into the car and draw more attention to us. Which one will you win?
I should say no. I shouldn’t cave to her needs. I needed to save my money. I had maybe two hundred dollars to my name right now. One hundred went to gas for the ride here. I was pretty sure that I lost my job too. I kind of left without telling them that I wasn’t coming in tomorrow.
We exited the bathroom, and the gorgeous man was gone. I sighed relieved. Hopefully, he left the store. I'm too awkward to face him again. We walked into the cafe and the paranoia started to overtake me as I felt like everyone was looking at me. Way’s hand grew clammy in mine, and she tugged on me towards the pastry case. She pointed at a white cake pop with rainbow sprinkles.
I nodded, not wanting to draw attention to us.
We approached the counter and I tensed at the line of people that formed behind me. I avoided looking at anyone while I pulled my hat down farther.
“Hi again.” The gorgeous man grinned from behind the register.
I looked up startled, fumbling my debit card and phone in my hand. I dropped them both onto the counter when I made eye contact with him.
“Hi.” I rasped.
Dear fucking god.
He’s going to think there is something seriously wrong with me.
Maybe there was.
Apparently, I do not know how to interact with the opposite sex.
He picked the card up from the counter and handed it to me. I took it, avoiding touching his heavily tattooed fingers ...my eyes trailed the tattoos. They spread over his hand... and then up his tan muscular arm. I swallowed hard, growing overly warm again.
“What can I get the little lady?” He leaned over the counter, and I stepped back slightly.
“Rainbow cake pop.” Waylan demanded as she gave him a thumbs up.
I smiled and he chuckled at her. He gave her a thumbs up back.
“Perfect choice. Those are my favorite.” He told Waylan and she giggled. He turned to me with a half smile. “What about mom?”
“I’m ok.” I said, a little too breathless.
He nodded and handed Waylan the cake pop in a wax paper bag. She took it and danced in excitement.
“Thank you.” I told him and he nodded at me.
“Anytime.” He rang up the cake pop and I tried to pay, but he shook his head at us.
We walked out of the coffee shop, and I glanced back at the gorgeous man behind the counter one last time. He looked up at us with his deep brown eyes never leaving me and winked, then he turned to his next customer.
CADENCE
TEN MINUTES FELT LIKE thirty years.
I sat in the car after Ronnie had turned it off and got out. She looked at me.
“Are you coming?” She asked.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t get my mouth to form words. I just sat and stared at my grandparent's house. I loved it here once upon a time ago. I loved this two-story house with its wrap-around front porch. The solid wooden rocking chairs that cradled laughs and tears from the years. Summer nights, drinking iced tea and eating homemade cookies with my grandpa were my favorite. Fishing on grandpa’s boat and him showing me to cast a line. Grandma yelling, it was time for dinner and all of my friends and I piling into her kitchen. We would squeeze around the corner nook kitchen table. We always fought over the corner seat, which was the worst seat because you could never get out. Playing tag football with my friends in the front yard on the weekends. Bonfires during the fall season and swimming in the lake a few streets down in the summer... This was how I spent my childhood.
The memories flooded over me like a blanket being ripped from my skin on a cold morning. Goosebumps rose on my skin at all the different memories of the years that gave me life. Then the goosebumps turned to a guttural heartbreak as they were tarnished for me by the one memory that made me wish for death.
I climbed out of the car painfully slow. My legs felt like jello as I closed the passenger car door and faced the neighborhood that housed the very man that took everything from me. Here I am now. Twenty-three years old, high school drop out with a GED, no college or any technical degree, a five-year-old, and a nicotine addiction I refuse to acknowledge. Here I am standing in the very spot that... the... the very spot I came to realize that I was no longer the person I loved. I was morphed into someone he made. The hatred and disgust with myself rolled through me.
Waylan was yelling at me as she hit the window with her hand. I jumped at her and opened the door. The moment I unbuckled her with shaking hands, she leaned over and puked all down my shirt. Chunks of cake pop and red Gatorade sloshed down the front of my shirt and the sour curdle smell of stomach contents reached my nose. I dry heaved and then heard laughter behind me as I leaned on my knees into the yard and hurled air. I held it together, the sour smell stinging my nose as I felt my heart flutter in my chest. I stood shakily.
The sound of home was laughing on the front porch. It warmed my bones to the core. I have never missed anything more in my life than that sound. I never thought I would hear it again in my entire life. The first time Waylan cried when she was born, and the sound of my grandma’s laughter were my favorite sounds. I turned to her, and she held her hand to her chest as she sobbed and laughed. Emotions hit her as hard as they hit me. We felt them differently. She missed me and I felt guilt and anger that I did this to her. I was the reason she felt that heartache.
