Discovering Truths, page 9
They say that the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Should I tell him the truth? The truth was that even though I wasn’t in my right mind, my words were sincere. My feelings were deeper than I anticipated and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
Me: Some of what I said was true last night. I have feelings…and they scare me. It makes me nervous that I can’t continue with this. I don’t want to get hurt.
It seemed like forever as I stared at my phone, waiting patiently for a response.
Gage: I understand that. Not going to lie, I’m getting a little caught up too. I don’t want to stop things with you, but if we need to, I understand.
He was getting caught up? What did that mean? Was that his way of saying he had feelings for me too? I didn’t want to stop what we had going. I guess I was just looking for some sort of assurance that my feelings weren’t one-sided. I’d have to take his response as just that. There was no way I could let him go.
Me: I don’t want to stop.
Gage: Good. Me either.
Me: I guess I just wanted to make sure I’m not crazy.
Gage: You’re not.
Me: Good.
***
Generally, I hated being alone, but after my rough night and almost-scary conversation with Gage, shopping by myself was peaceful. I’d snagged a few dresses and dress pants for work, feeling accomplished. I loaded everything into the trunk and started my car as my phone rang. I pressed the button on my steering wheel to answer as I backed out of the parking space.
“Hi,” I said.
“How are you feeling?” Melinda asked.
“Better now. Had a rough morning, though.”
“How was Marcus?”
“He was fine.”
I didn’t want to elaborate on what happened between us last night, or this morning. I didn’t want to talk about him at all. Why did she continuously bring him up, like I cared?
“That’s it? Fine?”
“I don’t want to go into details about him, Mel. You know this…”
“What about the other one?”
“Gage?”
“Yes.”
“What about him?”
“Well, you said you sent him a message last night.”
I should have never told her about Gage. She wanted me to end things with him and I hated to tell her that I couldn’t do it.
“Yeah…we’re good now.”
“You’re good?”
“I told him that the message was just a drunken text. I can’t let him go, Melinda.”
“Ugh, Abby…”
“I know. Trust me, I know. I remember everything we talked about last night and although I know you’re right, I just can’t let him slip away. I need him right now.”
“Alright, well. Fair enough. You’re a grown woman.” She said. The irritation in her voice wasn’t missed by me. I knew she didn’t like what I had to say.
“Don’t be mad.” I urged.
“I’m not mad. Just…disappointed I guess.”
I ended the phone call. I couldn’t listen to her anymore. I knew she was disappointed, and I knew she gave solid, sound advice. I knew she was right. The thing was…I was done listening to other people. I was done doing the right thing. I was living in my own, messed up world, and as messed up as it was…I hadn’t been this content in a long time.
***
To my surprise, when I got home, Marcus was already there. He’d laid out a dress and told me to be ready in twenty minutes. He was dressed up in nice, grey pants with a black button up shirt. I used to love that combination of colors on him, now when I looked at him, I saw nothing more than a man. Not the lover I once knew.
I followed along, playing the part just as he did. I knew it was all fake. He took me to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. Our conversation was forced and awkward, just as it had been. I didn’t let it show. I acted normal, like everything was okay. Deep down, we were totally screwed.
When we got home that evening, I expected that to be the end of our fictitious night. We’d both go to bed and pretend that we were the happy the couple. I wasn’t prepared for what came next.
I took off my clothes and threw them in the hamper, eager to crawl into my comfy shorts, when he came up behind me and wrapped his hands around my waist. He slowly moved his hands up, cupping a breast in each hand, caressing them slowly as he kissed my neck.
I almost lost my dinner.
We hadn’t been intimate in a while, and I knew that was coming next. How was I supposed to be with him knowing everything I knew about him? With everything I’d done? However, I feared that if I stopped it from happening, he’d suspect the worse. I wasn’t ready for him to know my truth. I also wasn’t ready for him to know that I knew his.
He pulled me to the bed and laid me down, hovering over top of me. He leaned down, kissing up my stomach and down between my thighs. With every touch, and every kiss, my skin crawled. I wasn’t his anymore. I felt dirty, like I was doing wrong by Gage. Truth was, I wasn’t his either.
The sooner I could get it over with, the better I’d feel. I scooted myself up and took control, placing both of my hands on his chest and pushing him down roughly. His growl of satisfaction made me sick. Aggressiveness was a turn-on for him and I knew if I climbed on top, it’d be over quickly. I used to love getting him worked up, now it was only to secure a close ending.
I straddled him and moved slowly at first before I picked up my pace, anxious to get the job done. I watched his eyes fall back into his head and he let out a deep breath, grabbing my hips to slow me.
“Wow,” he said, breathless.
I let out a small flirty, laugh before I climbed off, rushing to the bathroom to clean myself up. I started the shower, turning the knob as far as it would go on the heat setting. I was repulsed. I’d never felt more disgusting than I did in this moment. I could hear him cleaning himself up too and then he opened the shower curtain, leaning in for a kiss.
“Night,” he said against my lips.
“Goodnight.” I said.
I stayed in the shower for thirty minutes scrubbing every inch of my body repeatedly, as if the hot water and soap could actually wash away this chaos. Thoughts of Gage occupied my mind the entire time. I wondered if Marcus thought of Katie. How twisted we are. If only he discovered the truth…
Chapter Eighteen
Things between Marcus and I hadn’t changed. Maybe he felt like he had to have sex with me so I wouldn’t start questioning the recent lack thereof. Little did he know, I knew he was up to something, and I could have done without all of it. A tiny part of me hoped that being intimate would have brought us closer, but it didn’t. I wasn’t sure why that thought even crossed my mind. It was an obligatory task to him and since no good came of it, I wished it never happened. It was crazy to think that anything between us could be saved. We were past the point of repair. I felt sick all weekend.
How were we so far gone? How did I feel more comfortable with another man? I wasn’t sure I’d ever find the answers. All of this had to end at some point. That was one thing I was sure of.
The weekend progressed as usual and Monday approached quickly. I was thankful to get out of the house and return to a sense of normalcy. My life wasn’t normal at all, but it was my new normal.
Gage: Hope you have a great day.
I sat at my desk waiting for my computer to load. I’d barely talked to Gage over the weekend, which sucked, but I felt dirty and was having a hard time with…everything. I knew he always stayed busy with his son, so it was fine. I was sure he was busy anyway. At least, that’s what I told myself.
Me: Thank you. You too!
Gage: You alright? Been kind of quiet.
Me: I’m good. Just had a blah weekend.
Gage: I’m sorry. I need to see you soon.
Me: Yes please.
***
I’d been working for an hour when Mike stepped in front of my desk.
“You alright, girl?” he asked.
I turned to him, perplexity evident in my face. “I’m fine. Why?”
“You just have this mean look on your face and you’re pounding away at that keyboard.”
“Am I? Oops. I’m sorry.”
He laughed. “No problem. Just wanted to make sure you’re all good.”
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for checking.”
I hadn’t realized that I was killing the keyboard and obviously couldn’t see my own face. Everything was still occupying my mind…I suppose work was my release.
“Hey, Mike,” I said, stopping him before he walked off. “Are there any lunch meetings or anything I need to put on the calendar for this week? I know your mind is starting to slip…”
We’d gotten comfortable with each other and I loved messing with him.
He burst into laughter. “Very funny. Good one, girl…but let me think on it. I’ll let you know.”
Gage: Can you meet on lunch?
Me: Yes, but I’m going in like, twenty minutes.
Gage: Okay, I’ll head that way now.
Me: Head where?
Gage: Just meet me in that hotel’s parking lot.
Me: Okay.
I finished my task and grabbed my purse. I headed to the bathroom to freshen up before I left. I never knew what was going to happen when we were together and I wanted to make sure I appeared my best. I didn’t expect to see him so soon, but I wasn’t complaining. I’d take what I could get.
I drove around the large parking lot until I spotted him parked in a back corner. I pulled up beside him and hopped in his truck.
He reached for my face immediately, pulling me into him. He kissed me hard, and in that moment, I felt at peace. I felt like I belonged here, with him, not with the man I lived with.
“Gosh I’ve missed you.” He said.
“I’ve missed you too,” I whispered, willing myself not to cry. I couldn’t cry in front of him. I didn’t want him to think I was crazy. He didn’t need to know my feelings were that strong.
“Come here,” he said, pulling me closer.
I leaned into his open arms and we sat there in silence for a moment. I was close to him, resting my head on his neck as he ran his fingers through my hair. It was these moments that I felt like I really was his.
He turned his head towards mine and kissed me again. Unlike what happened in my home, I didn’t want this to end. I was silently begging for more.
I was wearing a blue dress, exposing my thighs. He ran his fingers along my legs, teasing me with every touch. Before I realized it, his fingers were around my panties, jerking them down.
“What are you doing?” I whispered.
“I want you so bad,” he said, his voice sexy and full of need.
“In here? Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
He pulled down his pants slightly and then pulled me on top of him. Initially, I was nervous, afraid that someone might see us. I finally convinced myself that being secluded with tinted windows, we’d be alright. It was a thrill.
It didn’t last long anyway. It only took a few minutes of grinding on Gage for him to completely fall apart. He held my hips and looked me directly in my eyes as I moved on top of him. We moved in sync and I came apart with him, both of us breathing heavily through our release.
This is what should have made me feel disgusting, but it was just the opposite. Everything with Gage felt completely right.
***
When I walked back into my building at work, I passed Mike in the hallway on the way to my desk.
“Looks like you’re in a better mood.”
Was it that obvious? I really hoped I didn’t have that look—sated eyes, and messy hair. I’d have to start paying more attention.
“I guess I am,” I said. “I needed that break to re-charge.”
I had just sat down at my desk when my phone beeped. I picked it up and smiled.
Gage: It’s always so amazing with you. Wish I could have you every day.
Me: Is that all you want me for?
Gage: Don’t say stuff like that…
Me: I’m just kidding. It was amazing. Always is.
Gage: I wish things were simpler.
Me: Me too. Maybe one day…
Gage: Maybe
What did that mean? I hoped he wouldn’t say things like that unless he truly meant them. This was my heart on the line. I’d already told him my feelings were deep. This was serious to me and I hoped he realized it. I couldn’t have him playing with my heart. The fact that my heart was even involved should have sent me running and I knew that. Something about Gage pulled me in. Some crazy part of me hoped we could have a future together.
Chapter Nineteen
January 2018
The summer ended and my relationship continued with Gage just as it had been. We saw each other as often as we could. Sometimes we’d have to skip a week and that was hard, but I tried not to let it show. If he only knew how much he affected me…
Occasionally we’d have a lunch or coffee date, but more often than not, when we were together, it was all about connecting physically. I’d become addicted to him. When we weren’t together, the things he would say to me made me believe that he was addicted too. He’d say how much he missed me and how things were so good when we were together. He’d tell me about the things he couldn’t wait for us to experience together. It made me truly believe that he was in this just as much as I was.
November approached and Gage took a family trip to Washington the week of Thanksgiving. They spent the holiday there and went to a football game. Although I didn’t see him every day anyway, I had a hard time with him being so far away. The fact that he was with his family was another punch in the gut. His family. Not me. We were nothing serious, only a fling…an escape from reality. What would it take to get that through my head?
When he came back from his trip, he saw me immediately, and that made everything better. It was like that. When I was alone, reflecting on our situation and our realities, negative and depressing thoughts consumed me. As soon as we were together again, he’d wash all that away and make me feel like I was the only person of importance.
We saw each other one more time before Christmas, and then we struggled coordinating a time with all the holiday events happening. One random day in January, everything took a turn when an unexpected message arrived.
Gage: I think we should stop.
Surely I didn’t read that correctly. We should stop? What did he mean and where was this coming from?
Me: Stop?
Gage: I just think its best right now.
I’d never been more confused in my life. We hadn’t had any problems. Everything was going wonderfully. As wonderfully as it could go, anyway. I didn’t understand the sudden change of heart.
Me: Did something happen? I’m sorry, I just don’t understand.
Gage: Nothing has happened. I’ve just been thinking, and I think it’d be best if we just stop.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. How did he pour his heart out one day, and decide the next that he couldn’t continue with me? I was convinced there was more to the story…something he didn’t want me to know. He didn’t say much, and he made it clear that he wasn’t going to. I was at a loss for words, so I kept my reply simple.
Me: Okay.
Now, I was furious. I blocked him on Messenger, thankful that I never gave him my phone number. If he wanted to end things, I wanted no communication.
I sat there for a moment, staring out the window, a million thoughts coursing through my mind. I couldn’t believe I’d gotten myself into this situation. Melinda was right and I knew it from the beginning. I should have ended things with Marcus and moved on with my life. I should have never conjured up some deranged plan. Now I sat here with a broken heart. It all came down to Marcus. All of this was his fault. He continued to do as he pleased, and when I tried to fix it, I was still the one suffering.
Tears began to fall and I laid my head down, unable to control it any longer. I couldn’t even look at myself. What have I done? Everything would have been fine if I could have kept my emotions in check. I wished I could have realized that everything between Gage and I was only fun, nothing more, but he provided all the feelings Marcus didn’t, causing me to fall harder. When I thought about how much I cared for him, I cried harder.
It was in that moment that I realized I was in love with him.
***
I stayed to myself for a few days after that. At home, it was nothing unusual, but at work, it was noticeable to everyone. Mike would ask me every day if I was alright, and I finally told him no, I wasn’t. I told him I was just going through some things, and I’d get over it eventually. The reason for my hurt wasn’t exactly something I could share with everyone. I could tell he was concerned, though, and it made me feel good to know that someone cared. I’d been at my job about six months and grown close to my boss. Besides Melinda, I felt like he was my only friend.
Speaking of Melinda, I’d been avoiding her. She wasn’t one I could keep things from, and I hadn’t been ready to get into it with her. After staying to myself for a few days, I decided it might be good to finally talk to someone.
Me: Hey. Sorry I haven’t responded to your texts.
Melinda: What is going on?
Me: Gage ended things with me…I know you’re going to say that it’s for the best. I know it is. But Mel…I love him.
Melinda: Oh, Abby…
Me: I know I shouldn’t have let things get to this point, but I couldn’t help it. Now I’m heartbroken.
Melinda: Abby, I’m sorry. You know how I felt about everything, but I do feel bad for you. I wish you didn’t get so caught up in him. I wish none of this would have ever happened. What can I do for you?
