Discovering Truths, page 16
“Honestly, I don’t know why you’re still hanging on with him. Especially after what all he’s been doing behind your back.”
He said that, yet…here we were.
“I know. I don’t know why I am either. There’s a lot involved…money wise. It stresses me out to even think about.” I didn’t want to mention the fact that I suffered from depression and anxiety. That was the main factor.
“Yeah. I get it. It’s a lot.”
Our conversation eventually turned from our marriage woes to our usual banter. He was so funny and made me forget every care in the world. We were perfect together. Our personalities clicked, we understood each other, we had the same sense of humor, and of course…our physical connection was amazing. It made me question why he was so hesitant to pursue anything further, especially considering he knew he wouldn’t be with her forever. If he left her today, I’d leave Marcus without a second thought. Was there something wrong with me that he couldn’t fully commit to? Was his admission of love fake, just to get me back in bed with him? I wanted to believe everything he said was genuine, but there were too many gaping holes that worried me. Gage was all I wanted. I wanted so badly to believe that he felt the same way.
We walked outside and stood together, embraced in a tight hug. I hated to let him go. He gave me one kiss and said, “I love you,” and we were off our separate ways. As I drove away, I couldn’t help the thoughts that clouded my mind, telling me that this was all we’d ever be.
***
Later that evening, Marcus was already home when I arrived. His car in the driveway was a shocking sight to see. All the lights were off downstairs and the house was quiet, so I continued up to my room to change clothes. The room was warm and steamy from the shower running.
“Hello?” Marcus said from behind the curtain.
“Hey, yeah it’s me.” I said. You dumbass.
“I figured. How are you?” he asked.
“I’m fine. Why are you in the shower?”
“Last minute dinner meeting.”
“Oh. Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t plan on cooking.”
“How was your day?” he asked.
“It was fine. Had that interview.”
“Crap. I forgot about that. How did it go?”
“I think it went okay.” I said. I thought it went more than okay, but he didn’t care anyway, so why bother?
“Anything else happen today?” he asked.
“Um, no? What are you talking about?”
“Just curious if you did anything else today.”
“I went to work, Marcus. If you have something to say, spit it out.”
“Todd said he passed you today. Your work is nowhere near where he saw you…so I was just curious what you were doing out close to Cocoa Beach.”
My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach and fear took over. How dare he question me? I should’ve questioned him a long time ago, but I let it slide. Now here he was, taking a shower for a “dinner meeting,” that probably didn’t even exist, yet he had the audacity to accuse me? I had to talk myself out of this one, although I wanted to tell him just where he could shove his accusations.
“I was running an errand for my boss. You know, my title is Administrative Assistant. I do whatever he freaking tells me to do.”
“Why are you getting so defensive?”
“Why are you asking stupid questions? The way you said it and kept dragging me along was like you were trying to get me to admit to something. What’s with the accusations?”
The accusations were a result of his own guilt. I knew that.
“I wasn’t accusing, I was simply asking. You’re the one causing an uproar.”
“Because, Marcus! You’re home late almost every single night! Now you’re taking a shower to go to another damn work meeting, and I never question you! Never!” I yelled. I’d never felt so crazy in my life. He’d pushed me to this point and I didn’t know how much more I could actually take. I was losing it now, but when would I fully explode?
“I didn’t mean to question you, or accuse you, Abby.” Bullshit. That’s exactly what you were doing.
“Well, it sure sounded like it to me.”
He didn’t say another word. I ripped my clothes off and threw them in the basket. I was beyond livid. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he wanted to accuse me, when he was just as deceitful. Sure, I lied about my whereabouts, but it was exactly what he’d been doing for who knows how long. Our relationship had become one huge lie…it had to end soon. This madness couldn’t continue.
“Do you want me to stop and get you something to eat on the way home?” he asked as he came down the stairs. I was planted on the couch with my tablet, browsing the news…trying to deter my mind from thoughts of him.
“No.” I said sharply. He’d never asked before, why bother now? I’d be asleep by the time he got home anyway.
“Abby, don’t be mad.” He pleaded.
“Just stop. I’m done talking about it.”
He left without another word.
Chapter Thirty
We made it through the rest of the week with hardly ten words shared between us. In my mind, I was done with Marcus, but for some reason, I didn’t want to be the one to end our marriage. I wanted it to be him. Maybe if I continued to ignore him, eventually he’d take the hint and make the move. I wished I had the courage to take action, but in the pit of my stomach sat a fear that had taken over my mind. Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I just be a normal person?
Upon arriving to work Thursday morning, I started my normal routine with first, checking my e-mail. The top message on my list was from HR. I knew immediately that this e-mail held my fate. It was the decision for the position. Nerves took over as I hovered the mouse over the link, finally forcing myself to click it.
Abigail West,
We are pleased to offer you the position of Underwriting Manager with Security Financial. The training program for this position begins Monday, August 27th for five weeks at our headquarters in Atlanta. Travel, lodging, and food will be paid for by the company. The starting salary is $70,500. Please respond promptly and you will receive further information regarding your training.
Thank you,
Mary Watson
Security Financial HR
The squeal that escaped my lips was unstoppable. I did it! I got the job! The training program started the following Monday, not giving me much time to prepare, or decide if I wanted to accept the offer…but of course I did! I was over the moon. Besides a change in my personal life, this is exactly what I needed. I need something more. Considering I only started making money a year ago, I was thrilled with the salary. That’d definitely be enough for me to make it on my own…if I ever got to that point. Before I replied to the e-mail, or shared the news with anyone, I had to talk to Mike. I burst into his office immediately.
“I got the job!” I exclaimed
He smiled. “I know you did.”
“You knew?”
“Of course I did.”
“Did they tell you?”
“No, I just knew you would get it.”
“Oh stop,” I said, sitting down. “You have too much faith in me.”
“When does training start?” he asked.
“Monday!”
“Yeah, that five-week program is a bit intense, but you’ll be fine.”
“That kind of is a long time, but I could use a change of scenery. Do you get to come home on the weekends at least?”
The only concern that crossed my mind was being away from Gage. Most of the time we got to see each other was during the week. Weekends were a rare occasion.
“Oh yeah, they fly you back and forth.”
That was a relief. Hopefully Gage and I would be able to handle the distance. Taking this job was a no-brainer. I had to do this for me.
“That’s good,” I said. “I can’t believe today is your last day.”
“It’s bitter sweet.” He said.
With a congratulatory hug and words of encouragement, I was out the door and back to my desk while he packed up his office.
Once back in my space, I replied to the e-mail with my acceptance, then grabbed my phone from my desk drawer. I couldn’t wait to share the news with Gage.
Me: I GOT THE JOB!
Gage: Congrats, babe! That’s awesome!
Me: Thank you! I’m so excited! Only downside…training starts Monday. And it’s for five weeks. And it’s in Atlanta.
Gage: I don’t get to see you for five weeks?
Me: Well, I get to come home on the weekends. Everything is paid for by the company.
Gage: That’s still kind of a bummer.
Me: I know. But we have to think positive!
Gage: I know. I’m happy for you.
A piece of me wondered if he actually was happy. It’s obviously hard to decipher someone’s tone through a text, but something about his words sounded off. I knew the five weeks was going to be hard, but if he couldn’t stick with me, then he certainly didn’t love me like he said he did. That was a difficult thought to process. I loved him with my entire soul. I would have given him anything, but I wasn’t always sure if that was reciprocated. And that hurt. I hated being an overthinker.
One positive side of the five-week training was being away from Marcus. I was sure he’d too be happy about the “break.” I’d wait to tell him about the job until we were both home that evening. There was no rush to text or call him. He didn’t care about me. He had more important things to tend to.
Per the orders in the follow-up e-mail, I began sorting through things and divvying tasks to other team members in the department. Then I began moving supplies and files from my tiny cubicle to Mike’s large office. My own office. After I’d spent most of my adult life not working, it was great to feel successful. As if I couldn’t be happier, a random message during the day peaked my mood a little more.
Gage: Since you are off tomorrow, can we meet? If not, I don’t know when I’ll see you again.
Me: I would love nothing more.
There was something off with him. He was acting as if he would never see me again. I almost felt as if he were trying to put distance between us, and that bothered me. It felt like the beginning of a bad break-up, and that’s something I definitely couldn’t handle. I didn’t need this right now. I needed him and his support. I thought I always had it. Although I wanted to send him a message and ask him if there was a concern, I couldn’t let my feelings show.
I needed things with Gage to be solid, but every time I thought we were good, another issue ensued, crumbling our bond a little more.
I’d become a good actress. No one could read my emotions anymore. Marcus and Gage were both blind to the truth behind my eyes. I’d perfected the art of being secret. Some things just didn’t need to be discovered.
***
Conversation between Marcus and I was basically nonexistent the last few days, but I was happy to tell him that I got the job and would be out of town for five weeks. He didn’t get home until nearly nine o’ clock, and I was already in bed, flipping through channels on the TV.
“Hey,” he said, entering the room.
“Hey.”
“Good day?” he asked.
“Yes. You?”
“I guess,” he shrugged.
“I got that job.” I said.
“Awesome.”
That’s all I got from him. A freaking awesome. Screw him.
“Training starts Monday. It’s for five weeks, and it’s in Atlanta…so I’ll be out of town for a while.”
“You going to be able to handle that?” he asked.
“Um. Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”
“You’ve never been anywhere far by yourself for a long period of time. Just making sure you’ll be okay.”
What the hell ever. He didn’t care about my wellbeing.
“I’ll be fine. I get to come home on the weekends. Company pays for everything.”
“Well good. Good for you.”
That was it. I’d had enough. So maybe I was trying to start a fight, but something had to give. I wanted to push him over the edge. I wanted him to make the move.
“That’s it? Really, Marcus? What’s the deal? Why are things so weird between us?”
He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I know I upset you the other night. I was giving you your space.”
Another line full of crap. I just wanted him to tell me the truth. I wanted everything between us out in the air. Why can’t I be the one to do it?
“So not talking to me for three days is the way to solve our problems? Haven’t you ever heard that communication is key in a relationship?”
“Abby, I know. Things between us have been so tense lately, and honestly, I’m scared to confront it.”
“And why is that? Why have they been so tense?”
This was his perfect opportunity. Let’s get it all out. I knew why he was afraid of confronting it…he didn’t want to be caught. How long could I keep the secret that I’d known all along?
“You know work has me incredibly stressed, and I know you have a lot going on with your job too. I assume that’s the reason for our disconnect.”
It always came back to the work excuse. I’d never understand why he wouldn’t man up and face the reality of the situation. Face the mess he caused.
“But Marcus, we’re married. Our work shouldn’t be tearing us apart. Coming home to each other at the end of the day should be something we look forward to…a place of comfort.”
If he could feed me lines of crap, I could do exactly the same.
“You’re right. I let the stress get to me and I carry it home. I’m sorry for that.”
He may have had stress from work, but there was someone else occupying his mind and time, and that was the reason for our problems. I just wanted him to admit it. It was a never-ending circle.
“Maybe this time apart will be good for us,” I said. “I mean, I’ll be home on the weekends, but maybe some space is what we need.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean that shit needs to get figured out, Marcus. I want you to really think while I’m gone. I know, I know, work has you busy, but without me in the house, really think about us and our marriage. We can’t continue like this.”
“And you? You going to think about us and our marriage?” he asked.
Nope. Not a chance.
“Yes.”
“Okay,” he said. “I know that you’re right. Everything you’re saying makes sense.”
I didn’t reply, unsure of what else I could say. We stared at each other with sympathy and I knew there was no more hope for us. Maybe this was the beginning of our end.
Before falling asleep, I picked up my phone, hoping for a message from the one person who brought me happiness. Unfortunately, there was nothing there.
Me: Goodnight. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I love you.
I didn’t wait for a response. I shut my eyes and let the darkness consume me, silently begging for this nightmare to end.
Chapter Thirty-One
The next morning, I woke up anxious and eager for the day ahead. Marcus was already gone and if he said goodbye on his way out, I didn’t even realize it. I reached to grab my phone off the nightstand and pulled up my messages.
Gage: Hey sorry. Rough night again.
Me: Hey. It’s okay. Are you okay?
Gage: Yeah, I’m fine. Just the same shit as always. We still on for today?
Me: Yes absolutely. You sure you’re going to be able to get away from work?
Gage: Should be. I’m telling them I’m leaving early. Hopefully nothing comes up to keep me here.
Me: Okay. Keep me posted. One o’ clock, right?
Gage: Yes.
We were meeting at our usual hotel. I hoped nothing happened to stop our engagement. For my sanity, I needed to be with him. He was the only part of my life that brought me any sense of peace and comfort. With my training taking me away during the week, I genuinely feared things changing between us. It was only temporary, but his reaction to my being gone made me nervous. I needed this time with him today to make it clear that we would be okay.
With my morning free, I spent the time preparing for my trip. I packed my suitcase for the week and read up on paperwork I’d received from HR. This career change was another thing I needed. Things seemed to be falling into place for me. I wished the rest of my life would move this smoothly.
Finally, that afternoon, my phone dinged and I grabbed it immediately.
Gage: See you soon.
Yes. We were still on. I hoped for the best, but expected the worst, so in my mind, I was prepared for bad news.
I’d already had my shower and spent the next thirty minutes throwing my hair and face together. For myself, I wanted to look good, but Gage always made a point to tell me that I didn’t need to put much effort in my appearance. He had a way with words. It was another one of the qualities I loved about him.
I jumped in my car and took off, anxious as always to see his handsome face. There was no way I could ever get tired of this feeling…I was convinced.
As I was driving, my phone went off again and I assumed that was him texting me a room number. When I parked, I looked to see just that. My eyes stayed peeled as I focused on my surroundings. All seemed clear, and I made it to the room quickly. He opened the door and I slid in.
He pushed me against the wall immediately and our lips locked. The kiss was rough and full of hunger. I didn’t dare pull away as he devoured me like I was the fix to his craving. The heat between my legs intensified as his hands roamed across my body, moving his lips to my neck. My knees were weak and I almost stumbled, unable to control myself any longer. He scooped me up and carried me to the bed where he placed me down gently.
