Discovering Truths, page 17
“I need you.” He said, barely audible as he pulled his shirt up and over his head.
“I need you too.” I whispered. He didn’t know how much I truly needed him.
He pulled my shirt off and tossed it across the room, then slid my shorts down and kicked them to the side. He removed his shorts next and wasted no time sliding into me. Every move and every thrust was pure bliss. I’d never felt connected to Marcus the way I was with Gage. Each time we were together gave me another reason to believe that we were made for each other.
***
We laid there together and held each other in silence. All the other times before, it felt good to lay with him, but now, the awkwardness was hard to ignore. His recent behavior made me believe that things for us were changing, and not in the way I needed them to go. I needed some sort of clarity. With all the obstacles in my life, my feelings for Gage were one thing I was sure of.
“Are we okay?” I finally asked.
He sat up and leaned against the pillow, resting his head in his hand. “I think so. Why do you ask?”
I scooted up beside him and turned to face him. “I’m just worried. I feel like it’s been a little weird between us. Especially ever since I told you about my training.”
He grabbed both of my hands and brought them to his lips, kissing them softly. “Abby, I love you. I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit of an ass here lately. I’ve just got a lot of crap going on at home. I’m not going to lie…I am a little worried about your training. That’s five weeks without each other. I know you’re going to be home on the weekends, but you know weekends are hard for me. I’m worried that in five weeks we could drift apart. I don’t want that to happen.”
“I don’t want that to happen either,” I said. “But I don’t think it will. As long as we continue to communicate, we’ll be fine. If we’re able to see each other on a weekend when I’m home, then great, if not, it’s only five weeks.”
“I know.”
If he knew, then why did he continue to worry? There had to be something else going on in his mind. If he loved me like he said he did, we’d be alright. I wanted to say that, but I refrained. Instead, I chose to accept his words and believe him when he said he loved me.
We spent the rest of our time tangled up in one another and by the time we were finished, I didn’t think I could handle anymore no matter how much I wanted it. Every kiss, touch, and feeling from Gage sent me over the edge. It was always hard to leave him, but for some reason today, it was different. I dreaded our goodbye.
We stood in the parking lot with our arms wrapped around each other, embraced in a long hug. I didn’t want to let him go and I sensed that he felt that way too. He held me tight and in that moment, something inside was telling me this was the last time I’d ever see him. Tears filled my eyes, but I didn’t dare let them fall. There was no way he could know just how much he affected me.
It was times like these when I wondered if I had really lost it. Was my mental state that far gone?
“I know we’ll talk before then, but be careful. I hope you have a good flight and everything goes okay.” He said.
“Thank you. I’ll keep you posted.”
He leaned down and kissed me hard. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
As I drove away, I tried to ignore the slew of bad feelings that lingered in my mind. He said he loved me. That was the only hope I had to cling to.
***
The weekend seemed to drag. Gage and I communicated as usual, messaging each other when we were able. I tried to ignore the fact that I still thought something was weird between us. With that worry, and the anxiousness of my upcoming training, I was going to have a mental breakdown. I could feel it coming.
I turned the lights off, lit a few candles, and ran myself a hot bubble bath. I sank down into the tub and closed my eyes, hoping for some sense of peace and relaxation. As if I didn’t have enough worry in my life, I couldn’t let Gage and my job get to me. They were the two best things I had going.
The water eventually turned cold and I climbed out, wrapping a fluffy blue towel around my body. I wasn’t sure how much good the bath actually did for my mental state, but it felt nice.
“Do you need any help getting your stuff ready for tomorrow?” Marcus asked.
I stepped out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I went to the closet and removed my towel, slipping on my pajamas. I didn’t want him to see me.
“I don’t think so. I think I have everything. Thank you, though.” I said.
Since our talk about taking this time apart to think, Marcus didn’t have much to say to me, however when he did talk, he was really nice. That was unusual. I wished I could climb into his brain and see what he was thinking because obviously I’d never know.
“Everything all good for your flight?”
“Yes.”
He could take his fictitious concern somewhere else. I wasn’t buying it. Tomorrow morning couldn’t get here quick enough. He didn’t even offer to take me to the airport. I was driving my car and leaving it in the parking deck. How pathetic.
We crawled into bed and I laid flat on my back, staring at the ceiling in the dark. Silence took over as I lost myself in my own thoughts. Marcus grabbed my hand, the touch startling me.
He spoke softly. “What happened to us, Abby?”
I knew exactly what happened to us. Because of him, our marriage fell apart. It all came down to the choice he made. Everything that transpired after was the result of his decision. If he could be happy, why couldn’t I?
Only I couldn’t get into that with him right now. I had too much going on in my life…in my mind. The truth was something I couldn’t face.
“I don’t know.” I said. His hand in mine disgusted me. I used to long for his touch, but now I was repulsed. So many times before I thought maybe we could work things out; I hoped I could fall back in love with him. I knew now for sure that it would never happen.
“Do you think we can fix us?” he asked. No.
“I don’t know that either.” I said.
He sighed loudly and rolled over on his side to face me, still clinging to my hand. I wondered if he was thinking…maybe regretting the choice he made. I wondered if he still loved me, or if he ever did at all. Was our marriage just a convenience because we’d been together so long and it’s what we were “supposed” to do? I’d never know the truth because there was no way I’d ever believe another word he said.
I closed my eyes, trying to force myself to shut down. I was in that phase where you feel asleep, but are still aware of your surroundings. Marcus whispered, “I love you Ab,” but I didn’t reply, instead pretending that sleep had already taken over. There was no way I could repeat those same words because I wasn’t going to lie. Although still legally married, Marcus and I were over. All love was lost.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Dealing with the airport madness was just what I wanted to do after an awful night of sleep and a headache this morning, but I plowed through the crowds of people and finally got loaded onto the plane. I prayed for the medication I took for my pounding head to kick in soon. Maybe I could catch a quick nap on the flight. Once seated, I closed my eyes and rested my head against the small pillow I brought along, hoping for quick relief.
Soon, my neighbor in the seat beside me was tapping me lightly on the shoulder.
“We landed.” She said.
I sat up straight and rubbed my eyes, thankful that I hadn’t put on any make-up. “Oh my. Thank you,” I said. “I hope I didn’t snore, or smack you…or anything. I don’t think I’m an obnoxious sleeper.”
She laughed. “You were fine. I read my book the whole ride. You didn’t bother me a bit.”
“Good.” I said.
“What has you traveling alone?” she asked.
“Work training,” I replied. “How about you?”
“Going to visit my grandchildren…and their parents,” she laughed. “But I’m mostly here for the grands.”
“Hope you have a great visit.” I said.
“Thank you. And good luck on your training.”
“Thanks.” I said, smiling as we exited the plane. Hopefully this entire trip would be as pleasant as that random lady.
A car was arranged to pick me up at the airport and take me to my hotel. I had a strict itinerary to follow. Schedules and instructions made me happy. I felt like I was more in control and better equipped to handle situations when things went as they were planned.
I wanted to let Gage know that I had arrived, but the airport was crowded and things were moving too quickly. Marcus also requested that I let him know when I made it, but I knew he didn’t actually care, so he was at the bottom of my priority list. Our goodbyes this morning were brief, and although he said all those things last night in bed, I knew it was all a sham.
The car was waiting when I finally made it outside. The driver was a handsome, young looking man. He was tall with brown hair. He reminded me of a younger looking Gage.
I was always hesitant about riding with people I didn’t know, but it was a chance I was going to have to take. He took my bags from me and I climbed into the backseat.
“We’re heading to the Marriott, right?” he asked, maneuvering the vehicle through the crowded lot.
“Correct. Thank you.”
“What brings you to Atlanta?” he asked.
“Work,” I said.
“Ah, I see,” he said. “I’ll be quiet. You don’t seem to be in the mood to talk.”
“Shoot, I’m sorry,” I replied. “Sorry if I’ve come across short. I have a lot on my mind…and traveling alone is a bit overwhelming.”
“Understand,” he said. “Well, if there’s anything I can do for you while you’re here, let me know.” He looked at me through the rearview mirror with a wink.
I laughed. “That’s sweet of you, but I think you’re a little young for me.”
Oh, I’m also a freaking disaster. I’m married, but we don’t really like each other and I’m in love with someone else. So there’s also that.
“Please,” he rolled his eyes. “I’m twenty-three. You can’t be older than me.”
I laughed again. “You’re only twenty-three? Wow. I feel old.”
“It’s rude to ask a woman’s age, so I would never, but really, you don’t look any older than me.”
“That’s sweet of you, but I’m thirty-one.”
“Thirty-one isn’t old, and you’re beautiful regardless.” He said.
This was why I didn’t like riding with strangers. The kid was sweet, but really, he could turn into a creeper at any moment. I wiggled my way out of the awkward conversation and luckily, we pulled up at the hotel a few moments later.
He climbed out and grabbed my bag. “Can I carry this in for you?”
“I’m good, I’ve got it. Thank you though.”
I rolled my suitcase to the front desk and checked in, then headed up to the room. As I rode the elevator up, I thought about how often I’d been in hotels here lately. I suddenly felt really gross.
Once in the room, I threw my suitcase in the corner. I never unpacked in hotels, it seemed pointless to me. I walked around, checking out my new home for the next five weeks. The company was able to reserve the same room, even though I’d be leaving on the weekends. It was small, but extremely nice. A full-sized bed draped with a light blue blanket and white pillows sat in the middle. The curtains were white and pink flowers decorated the space. It was cute enough. It’d do the job.
Glancing at the clock, I noticed I had two hours before my first introductory class. The training building was next door to the hotel, giving me plenty of time to rest and replenish before I walked over. I dug my phone out of my purse then sat down on the bed, falling back on the pillow.
Me: Made it. Just got settled into my room.
Gage: That took forever. Was your flight okay?
Me: Yeah it was fine. It was just very chaotic and crowded. And I don’t know where I am. I wanted to get settled before I pulled out my phone.
Gage: Okay, good.
Me: The little guy that picked me up from the airport was funny…he was hitting on me.
Gage: Are you serious? Now I’m going to have to fly down there and beat somebody’s ass.
Me: Omg calm down lol. He was twenty-three. It was funny.
Gage: Don’t go replacing me.
Me: I would never.
Gage: You better not.
Me: How is your day?
Gage: It’s Monday.
Me: Yikes. That doesn’t sound good. I’ll let you go. Just wanted to let you know I’m here.
Gage: Thank you for telling me. Message me when you can. Love you.
Me: I love you too.
Me: I’m here. Just got settled into the room.
Marcus: Good.
It was obvious who was actually concerned about me. Every little instance between Marcus and I proved to me even more just how far we’d drifted. I shook my head and rolled my eyes as I sat the alarm on my phone for an hour later. I needed to catch a quick nap before I went to my first class. Everything in my mind was catching up to me, making me physically exhausted.
***
The introduction class to my training was intense. Mike warned me that the training was brutal, and he wasn’t lying. There was eight people in the class, and only three of us were hired from within the company. The rest were outside candidates, hired for the position because they had previous experience as a manager. I was sure that I had one-up on them all because I learned from the best. The class was from nine to six every day with an hour lunch at twelve. On Fridays we’d be dismissed at twelve, allowing time to travel home for the weekend. A syllabus was passed out, detailing exactly what we’d be doing and the things we would be covering. It was going to be a heavy load, but I was ready.
As I walked out, I spotted a fast food restaurant across the street. I was going to walk over, grab a bite, and take it back to my hotel room. As I reached the exit, a guy from class walked up beside me and stopped me when he said, “Hey.”
“Hey?” I repeated questioningly.
“Want to grab some dinner?” he asked.
“Oh, no thank you. I’m just going to go across the street here and get something and take it back to my room. I think I’m going to crash early tonight.”
“Okay, cool. I understand that. I’ll probably do the same. See you tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah, see you then. Have a good night.”
“You too,” he replied.
It might have been a friendly gesture, but I wasn’t in the mood. I’d never been recognized by men so much before in my life. Maybe I had adulterer written across my forehead. It was an awful feeling and I hated myself for it, however the love I had for Gage overshadowed it all.
The restaurant was crowded and it seemed to take forever to get a salad to-go. Once I had my meal, I walked back to the hotel, carefully pacing through the traffic. Atlanta was a busy place with cars and people everywhere.
Inside my room, I wasted no time changing into my comfy pajamas. I turned on the TV and adjusted the air conditioning to where I wanted it. It was nice not answering to anyone. I spent a lot of time at home alone, but there was something different about being alone in a totally different state.
I had my dinner in peace and watched my favorite shows until my eyes grew heavy. I knew Gage was busy with his son and football practice, so I hadn’t wanted to bother him. It was after nine and I knew he should be settled, so I grabbed my phone to send him a goodnight message.
Me: Hope you’ve had a good evening. I’m about to fall asleep.
Gage: My evening was good. How was your first class?
Me: It was good. This training is a lot, but I’ll be fine.
Gage: I miss you. There’s a video chat feature on here. Want to talk in the morning?
Me: Yes! I have to be at class at nine.
Gage: I’ll call around eight…is that okay?
Me: Yes! It’s a date!
Gage: I love you
Me: I love you.
Assurance from him was all I needed to fall asleep soundly. That feeling of uncertainty was still present in my mind, but the more we talked, the more I felt confident that he and I were going to be just fine.
Marcus didn’t bother to call or text. Not that I cared, or expected him to.
Chapter Thirty-Three
The light from the TV woke me up the next morning. I looked at the clock to see it was seven. I had fallen asleep without setting an alarm, thankful that I woke up on my own. I rushed to the shower, anxious to get myself ready. I wanted to look good for our video chat. I wanted to make him miss me more.
I opened the app on my phone and waited for Gage’s call to come through. Positioning the device in front of me, I was careful to angle it in a way that showed my best features. On the outside, I knew I looked stupid, but I wanted to look good for him. Soon, the phone was ringing and I touched the green button to answer. Butterflies danced in my stomach when his face appeared on the screen. When our eyes met, he smiled, giving me all the feels. It was like this every time we saw each other. At least, it was for me.
“Hey.” I said shyly. I shouldn’t have been nervous, but we’d never video chatted before. New things made me anxious.
“Hey, beautiful,” he said.
“How are you?” I asked.
“A little blinded from the sun,” he said. He was in his truck and I assumed on his way to work. “But other than that, I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m good…just getting ready to go to class.”
“You look gorgeous.” He said.
“So do you.”
“I miss you.”
I sighed, hoping I could hold my emotions together. I felt like a cannon, ready to explode at any minute. He didn’t truly know how much I missed him…or needed him.
“I miss you too. A lot.” I finally said. “Think you’ll be able to get away this weekend? Even if only for a little while?”
