Discovering Truths, page 12
“Not much just checking in on you. What are you doing?”
“Heading to Yoga. This traffic is terrible, though. How was your day?”
“Eh, it was okay.”
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“Just Jon.”
“What about him?”
“I don’t know.”
“What is it, Melinda?”
“I think I want a divorce.”
“What?”
“I don’t think I can be with him anymore. He’s not the person I married. And he’s not a bad person, I just don’t think he’s the one for me.”
“How long have you felt like this?” I asked. This was all news to me.
“Six months…maybe longer.”
“Is this why you were trying to catch him doing something wrong? So you’d have a way out and not have to be the one to break things off?”
“No…not really. I mean, I have been getting weird vibes from him, that’s the truth.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know how to bring it up.”
“I have to be honest, Melinda, I didn’t expect this. On the outside, you and Jon seem perfect. I always got the impression that you two adored each other. How do you think he’s going to take it?”
“I’m not sure about that either. I feel like he might agree with me. People grow apart…and I think we have.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. If you two can’t make it, I’m not sure I have any faith left in love.”
“You and me both.” She said.
“Well…let me know if you need me…anything at all. Okay?”
“I will.”
My day was perfect until I talked to Melinda. I really was sad for her, but she was right. She had to follow her heart.
Maybe Gage and I were doing things backward, but I didn’t want to wait to move forward with him. If we loved each other, why should we? There was no reason either of us should stay in relationships in which we weren’t happy. Life is too short to be miserable.
Chapter Twenty-Three
On the drive to see Gage, a slew of nerves coursed through me. I felt like I did when I met him for the first time. Excitement and nervousness consumed my thoughts and I welcomed the feelings. This felt right. We’d spent most of the day yesterday talking, and simply communicating through the phone had already brightened my mood. Even Marcus picked up on my changed attitude. Fortunately for me, he didn’t bother with me much, so I didn’t have to explain the reason for my optimism.
It was my lunch hour, so I was meeting Gage in his gym’s parking lot since we wouldn’t have much time. When I pulled in, he was parked in the same spot in the corner where he parked all the other times we met before. Memories came flooding back to me. Although it hadn’t been that long since I’d seen him, it felt like an eternity.
I pulled into the spot beside him and let out a deep breath. I wasn’t sure if the breath was for relief, happiness, or my fear of what if, but I pushed everything aside and climbed in his truck. Once inside, I sat with my back against the passenger window, as far from him as possible.
“Hey.” I said softly.
“Hey,” he said. “It’s been a while.”
“Yeah…it has.”
Of course it had to be raining that day and I was suddenly paranoid about my frizzy hair and smudged make-up.
“This rain though…got me looking a mess.” I said.
“You look beautiful. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too,” I said, avoiding his eyes. I didn’t want him to see me cry, but then again, maybe he should. I needed him to know how true my feelings were.
“Hey, look at me,” he said, gently placing his fingers under my chin.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to cry.”
“Why would you cry?”
“I just love you so much. It’s physically hurt me to not be with you,” I explained. “Now here you are again, and I can’t believe it’s real, and that hurt is something I can’t go through again.”
He grabbed both of my hands in his and linked our fingers together. “I’m not going to hurt you. I told you, being without you made me realize a lot of things. We’re going to figure this out. I can’t be without you any longer.”
We’re going to figure this out. What did that mean? We were going to figure out what exactly? A future? I didn’t care as long as it involved us together.
As I processed his words, he pulled me into him, crashing his lips into mine. As his tongue tied with mine, I lost all care in the world. Everything with Gage felt right and natural, even though both of us knew we were still a mess. He made me believe that our mess didn’t matter. We were going to get through it together.
“Abby…my gosh…I’ve missed that, and you.”
“Me too.”
I’d never get tired of hearing him repeat those words. It validated all my feelings and that’s what I needed. I needed to know that I wasn’t in this alone.
“So, does this mean we’re back together?” he asked.
I looked at him questionably. “I didn’t know that you ever put a label on us.”
“I’d like to consider us boyfriend/girlfriend.” He said.
“I feel like more of a side piece.” Although it sounded awful, it was the dirty truth.
“Don’t say that. It’s not like that. We’re not like that. You’re so much more to me than a side piece. I love you, Abby.”
“I love you too, Gage.”
We spent the rest of our time kissing and talking about random things. It felt so good to be with him again, I didn’t care what we were doing as long as we were together. I’d almost considered calling Mike and telling him that I’d come down with something, just so I could stay with Gage, but I knew I had to put some distance between us. Everything was coming on strong, and he’d already left me once. I believed him when he said he loved me, but I still couldn’t control the paranoia in the back of my mind. I loved Gage so much and I hoped for the best between us, but I still expected the worst.
***
Back at work, I felt like a new woman. Being with Gage made me feel alive, but like I was actually living. This feeling is all I’d ever wanted.
Melinda called and asked me to meet her for dinner. She wouldn’t elaborate on any details, so I was unsure of her current situation with her husband.
When I arrived, she was already there waiting.
“Hey,” I said, pulling out the chair in front of her. “Sorry. Traffic.”
“It’s all good,” she said. “I already ordered for us.”
“So, what’s up? Did you talk to Jon?”
“Not yet,” she said. “I kind of want to have a game plan first. I have an idea…and it’s kind of why I asked you to meet tonight. I wanted to see what you think about it.”
“Okay…” I said. I didn’t know where she was going with this, but now I was intrigued.
“Why don’t we get an apartment together? That way we both have somewhere to go.”
“Um, well, that sounds great in theory, but I haven’t even thought about leaving Marcus yet.”
Especially now that Gage and I were back together. Him and I had to figure out our situation and what we were going to do moving forward, but I definitely wasn’t going to share that bit of information with her. I knew she’d die if she knew I was involved with him again, and I didn’t want to add any stress to her plate. That was the last thing she needed.
“What? You said you think about it all the time.” She said.
“Well, I mean, thoughts do cross my mind, but I haven’t thought about actually doing it. I mean, we both have a lot invested.”
“You two are a mess. You need to get out of it and start over. It’s not like you have kids, or anything holding you there. Why are you still holding on?”
If she only knew…that was a question I asked myself every single day.
“To be honest, Mel, I don’t know. I’m scared. I’m scared of leaving, scared of the process, scared of divorce. It’s overwhelming. Given my current state of mind, it’s not an emotion I think I could handle right now. That’s why I’m back in therapy. Trying to work on things…”
My therapy attendance was iffy, but it seemed like a good enough excuse to get me through.
“I guess I understand. It is scary, but I can’t hold on to something that isn’t there any longer.”
“I wish I could be that strong.” I said. Maybe it was just my personality, or maybe my depression and sense of loneliness had always been there. I didn’t understand why it chose this point of my life to take over.
“Things will happen as they should.” She said. I knew that. That was another thing I was sure of.
“You can afford a place by yourself,” I said. “You don’t need me.”
“I don’t need you for the money, I need you for the emotional stability.”
“Aw, Melinda, you know I’m always here for you.”
“I know,” she said. “But it would be fun to live together.”
“Yeah, it would.”
***
I sat in the bathtub, submerged in hot water and bubbles with the lights turned down low and a candle lit. I needed quiet time to myself to relax and reflect on how my life had changed gears, yet again. Only this time, it was the direction I wanted it to go. My eyes were closed as I laid on a bath pillow against the tub. The door flung open and the light turned on, causing me to squint my eyes and sit up straight.
“Marcus, what the hell?”
“Where’s my grey suit?” he barked.
“It should be in the closet where it always is.” I said.
“It’s not there, and it’s not in with the dirty clothes. Did you take that one to the cleaners?”
“Well, if it’s not in the house then yes, it must be there.”
“When was the last time you went?” he asked. The irritability in his voice didn’t go unnoticed, and I started to worry. This behavior was unlike him.
“I don’t even really remember.” I said honestly.
“Damnit, Abby,” he growled. “I need that suit for tomorrow.”
“What’s the big deal? You have plenty of suits.”
“But I want that one,” he said. “You’ve really been slacking lately.”
“Excuse me?” I said, standing from the water. I stepped out of the tub and onto the mat, dramatically splashing water as I moved. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my body. “Slacking?” I asked.
“Ever since you got that job…”
“And in what areas am I “slacking” exactly? I’d love to know.” I said defensively.
“The dry cleaners for one,” he said, walking into our bedroom. I followed right behind him, clinging to the towel around my body. If he wanted to start a fight, I was ready.
He continued, his voice rising. “You barely cook anymore, my coffee isn’t ready in the morning, and I can’t find anything in this damn house. It used to be immaculate.”
I fired back, my voice the same angry level as his. “I don’t cook because you’re never here, but when I do, you always have a plate waiting. Sometimes I don’t have time to get your coffee ready because I’m getting ready for work myself, and you’re so full of shit because if there’s one thing I definitely do it’s keep this house spotless, so if you can’t find something that’s your own damn fault.”
He looked at me with fiery eyes and in that moment, I knew it was about to be war.
“Watch your mouth with me.”
“Well stop accusing me of stuff that isn’t true!” I yelled. I was livid.
“I’m warning you, Abby. Take it down a notch.” He seethed.
“Or what, Marcus? I’ve about had it with you!” I yelled. “And since we’re accusing, why aren’t you ever home? Why are you always so busy?”
“What is that supposed to mean? If you’ve got something to say, then say it!”
I did have something to say. I wanted to say that I knew why he was never home, how I knew why he was acting differently, and how I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Yes, I’d come to realize that I definitely wasn’t in love with him anymore. He’d always have a place in my heart, but after all the crap between us, how could I be in love with him?
But I wasn’t ready to go there with him yet. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“I have nothing to say to you, Marcus. I’m done with this crap.”
“That’s what I thought.” He said.
“Oh, fuck you.”
“What did you say to me?” he said, grabbing my arm. I clung harder to my towel as I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but I wasn’t going to back down.
“I said, fuck you.” I repeated.
He wrapped both of his hands around my arms and pushed me against the wall. Marcus wasn’t a big guy, but he was still a guy, and stronger than me. He brought his face close and bored his mean eyes into mine. “Don’t you ever say that to me again.” He growled. He pushed me again and stepped back. I stood there frozen, watching as he flew to the closet where he grabbed a bag and began slinging things in.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Staying somewhere else tonight.” He snapped.
“Where?”
“I guess a hotel, Abby. I can’t be around you right now.”
I watched in silence as he grabbed a suit, his bag, and headed downstairs. I knew if I responded, the fire would ignite again, and it’d already gone farther than I ever suspected it would. I heard the garage door open and I peeked out the window to see his headlights pulling out. I sat down on the bed, still wrapped in my towel and took a moment to bring myself together. I couldn’t cry. Marcus wasn’t worth my tears. This incident was just another piece added to the nightmare that was my life. I didn’t know how much more I could handle before I completely broke.
Finally, I was in bed, although I didn’t know if I’d actually get any sleep. There was too much on my mind and none of it made any sense. I grabbed my phone and checked to see if there was a message from the only person who brought me a sense of contentment.
Gage: You good? Haven’t heard from you lately.
We messaged throughout most of the day, so the fact that we hadn’t talked in a few hours was unusual. I loved that he checked up on me. It was another factor that showed me he cared.
Me: Hey…I’m good. Bad night. Marcus and I got into it pretty bad. He left.
Gage: He left?
Me: Just for the night he says.
Gage: Oh. Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, I’m fine. Things got taken a little too far.
Gage: How? Did he hurt you?
Me: He pushed me around a little bit, but I’m fine.
Gage: That pisses me off. Has he hit you before?
Me: He’s never hit me. This is the first-time things actually got physical. I’m still kind of in shock.
Gage: I’m so sorry, Abby. I wish I could kick his ass. You don’t deserve that.
Me: It’s fine. I’ll be done with him soon enough.
Gage: So sorry, baby.
Me: Let me ask you a serious question, Gage. And be honest. Do you see a future with us? Do you think we could actually be together? Like for real?
His answer would put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I needed to know. Whether he thought we could be together or not, I was still leaving Marcus, but I needed to know if he actually thought we could make something more of our relationship. If he didn’t, I didn’t know if I could continue with him any longer, but then again, I loved him so much, who knew what I’d actually consider doing.
Gage: Honestly, Abby…I do love you, that’s the truth, but I can’t just drop everything right now and leave her. I have a son and things just aren’t that easy. That being said, I do plan to leave her eventually. We just have to figure things out. I have a feeling she would try to take me to the cleaners for money and everything else, and I want things fifty-fifty when it comes to Bentley…so there’s a lot involved. I do think that if you and I are still going strong a year from now, then I’m definitely going to have to figure out something.
I knew things wouldn’t be easy considering he had a child involved, that’s why I didn’t want to pressure him. But a year? That seemed like a long time and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.
Me: I understand that. I just wanted to know…put my mind at ease, I guess.
Gage: When I told you I loved you, I meant it. Don’t let all this paranoia get in your head.
We talked until midnight and finally, I was at peace. I fell asleep with thoughts of him and a future I hoped would arrive soon.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Two days later, Marcus finally strolled through the door. I hadn’t talked to him. Neither of us reached out to the other. As far as I was concerned, I did nothing wrong. I didn’t know how to prepare for when I saw him, because I really didn’t know which way he was leaning. Would he still be mad, or would he apologize? Part of me wished he would just cave…just tell me the truth about everything. The other part was still holding on…
I was in my office paying bills online and balancing our checkbook. He stood in the doorway and I didn’t look up, instead focusing on my task.
“I’m sorry.” He said.
I stopped what I was doing and finally met his eyes.
“You were gone for two nights. Really?”
“I just needed some time to pull myself together. We’ve never had a fight that bad before.”
“And why did we now? What’s gotten into you?”
I knew what had gotten into him, but I awaited his excuse.
“I’m sorry, Abby. I know I was out of line and none of that should have ever happened. Work has just been ridiculous lately. I’ve never been so stressed in my life.”
Ah, there it is. Work. I should have known that would be the excuse.
“Marcus, I’ve kind of lost all sympathy for you when it comes to work. You chose that career. You knew exactly what you were getting into. What’s changed to make it so stressful?”
