Our Ladies, page 16
Did you study this or something?
No, no I studied law.
Kay turned with her mouth open to Fionnula as the barmaid walked away an then both burst out laughing, not knowing if the lassie had overheard Kay talking before or not.
Just then, two woman stumbled into the bar. Yup, they had been drinking. How much are they? one of the women went, in an American accent, but they kept walking a bit, round corner of the bar an the barmaid stepped over to them. Conceivably the statement was a leftover fro an on-going conversation; but if so, curious, how the other woman never replied. Maybe they were referring to the Bloody Marys, but when the barmaid stood afore the Americans, they ordered other drinks, rapidly an with confidence of women in their forties who know what they want to lift towards their over-powdered faces. Neither (pronounced Neether) were those drinks at the lower end of the Bar Price List and their clothes an dress were, generally, by recently dead Italian fashion designers, so money didn’t seem a concern that end of the bar. Maybe they were referring to Fionnula and Kay themselves? Maybe it was some kind of remark that here was Youth an Good Looks an Vitality, perched on two stools an the woman who spoke was making some kind of comment, using irony in fact, that unlike other things she could purchase, she really knew what Fionnula and Kay had, was beyond price. Would be convenient; but working against that, you’ve got the fact they never even peeked in Kay or Fionnula’s direction again. Curious. It’ll remain a mystery what the crypticism from that American woman ever meant.
It was close six pounds for the two drinks, so’s Fionnula placed the last but one of her pound notes down, an weighed them wi an empty tequila glass. She leaned close to Kay, but cause of distance of the stools apart, an so’s her face could be hid ahind Kay, away fro the women’s view, Fionnula was so over, that when she talked, Kay could feel the breath on her bare leg then the hair slid over the shiny blueness of Fionnula’s shirt and with a cracky hiss, slumped, in gremial intimacy, into Kay’s lap.
Mmmmm. You smell so good. Look them old boots. Check the make-up; know what old age is, know what it is?
What? Is old age? Kay was smiling down at the head motioning round above her lap.
Fionnula’s face came up, bitty flushed, Old age is blackheads gathering in yur wrinkles, she nodded, reached out an picked up the Bloody Mary, took a fair bolt of it an says, Ah really fancy a Shott’s Vanilla Seltzer.
Kay was looked cross at the two.
Any opportunity we get in life, you should just GO for it. Grab ah it. Ah don’t want end up like feeling old and no, no, she took another glug, Tasted everything.
I feel like I’ve tasted everything in this, fucking pub.
Now there. Do you know that’s the first time ah think ah’ve heard you swear? It’s good. It’s good to hear you getting your lovely mouth round a good fucking bastard swearing word like good fucking Catholic girls are no meant to do.
Oh, now don’t be letting it make your day too much. I have cursed before, Kay gave her a kind of dismissive look wrinklin up the skin that way, above nose.
Cursed is it. Cursed! I like that. Aye, like no juss different drinks. Fionnula put a hand on the padded shoulder of Kay’s jacket then took it straight away.
That what you do? Just GO for it? says Kay wi pretty amazing contempt.
Yes.
You, really talk a load of nonsense a lot of the time.
Even though she had one burning in the ashtray, she seemed to ah forgot an lit another cigarette straight away.
That’s yours. That’s yours.
Where’s yours? Oh.
Kay had a cigarette in her mouth. She smoked very slowly, very carefully as if scared of making a mess wi ash.
Ah’ll smoke both. She started moving both cigarettes towards and away from her mouth in a kind of rotation but ended up sat, letting a droop of ash gather on one an devouring the other.
Kay sighed. Looked straight ahead an says it. After she had says it, she turned an looked right at Fionnula.
I went to bed with Iain Dickinson too.
Much quicker than you’d ah thought, Fionnula goes, When? But then that droop ash tumbled onto one of her fingers, bumped away an touched the bar. Fionnula looked down at it, glumly an animal-like; way a dog goes, ears forward when a hanky falls to the floor.
An that’s what Kay thought, Like in the George Orwell story we did for Standard, the hanging one where the guy steps aside from the puddle although on the way to a scaffold, an Kay says, About nine weeks ago.
Fionnula crumpled up her forehead in a way Kay’d never seen, she looked straight at her, the black eyes, slight shine on the nose-end cause she hadn’t been to the toilets.
Easter, goes Kay.
Fuck, goes Fionnula, quick, so’s you could see squeezing of the cigarette, the one she was actively smoking.
Ah mean that was the first time. The last time. The only time. If that’s what you’re thinking.
But then Fionnula was in open confusion. Without reason she turned head fro side to side, ashtrayed the active cigarette an started on the longer, saw across to laughing American women who drank fro glasses wi a tall green bottle front them. She gave away all the weakness by saying, But, ah mean, how?
Pardon?
Well ah mean, why? Ah mean, ah never thought ya even knew him.
Ah don’t, Kay was onto the gin that was left, her Bloody Mary was done.
Like where’d you meet him?
The Mantrap isn’t the only pub in town. Just cause you and the Sopranos are always there. We met at the Barn.
The Barn? Right. Fionnula nod-nodded as if to convince herself. How did ya get out there, taxi?
No. I got a lift out, Kay looked bored.
Right.
Fionnula tried to appear more cool. He’s a nice guy Iain, eh?
Laugh. Kay just laughed. He’s just a guy.
Didn’t work out then?
She laughed again, Not really no.
What happened?
Just a one-night thing. I didn’t want to go out with him or anything.
Wow, look ah won’t go tell. Manda an that.
It was a doubtful look Kay give.
Ah won’t!
She shrugged an blew smoke right onto the ashtray so some the ash, a butt rolled a little. She reached out, took a long series of sips from the gin. Fionnula watched her.
Where’d it happen? Fionnula goes, in a voice, grave with morbidity already.
Ah! She gave this side smile out of her mouth.
Fionnula volunteered, Wi me: back of his brother’s car out a party at Christiansands.
Kay wasn’t interested.
An at his parents one aftrnoon, Fionnula droned on.
Funny you mention Manda. It was at her sister’s flat.
What, Catriona’s! She wrinkled up her nose, gave a wee shake of head in lostness.
What’s it matter? Kay goes.
Ah just don’t … ya met at the Barn an went back to Manda’s big sister’s? What about your folks?
They were away, they’re always away. They’re away till next Monday just now.
You spent the whole night!
Yeah, she reached back behind her neck and let out her hair, she moved her head fro side to side to side, brown hair; it going down and sliding cross back of pale jacket then she was bending to the backpack, putting her big hairclip deep down way in it.
Where was Catriona?
It is her flat, Kay’s voice had went, down by Fionnula’s feet.
An yous two, rolling offof the sofa. It was really question rather than visualisation.
Kay sat up straight on the stool, Wasn’t really like that either, she grinned. We were drinking this vodka Catriona had in the house, mixed with tomato juice, we thought they were Bloody Marys but it was so yuggsy we had to gobble down pickled onions in between each gulp, an we were puffing out at one another, having this halitosis contest!
What?
Bad breath.
Oh right. Grant’s voddy?
That’s right. That was IT! I’ve been trying to remember but that was it. Grant’s!
It’s fatal an the cheapest. So. just started snogging him drinking this stuff?
Yesssss. Catriona mmmm, too.
Catriona snogged him too!!! Both you snogged Iain in the same room?
Kay went about mooching, lining up and lighting another cigarette, says in first breath, In the same bed.
Eh? Fionnula goes.
We were all three in bed the whole night.
You were in bed with Manda’s big sister and Iain?
Kay Clarke nodded an inhaled nicotine.
Fionnula looked at her, straight at her.
Right there, Kay says, You think am totally disgusting, don’t you? You looked down on me for being quiet, now you look down on me as being tart, like Manda would.
Fionnula took a big breath, her hand went out to stay, shook a bit, Nut, nut, Kay, that’s no it ahm juss, ahm just takin it in and. You don’t know what am thinkin at all.
You don’t think am totally disgusting? She bolted the rest of her gin.
Fionnula took a huge pause, a big breath, Manda would. Manda would but ah don’t. Ah mean Jesus, this is amazing!
No it’s not. You an your Sopranos will make it amazing but.
There was another long pause. Fionnula blew out air. You don’t know what’s raving through ma mind Kay. I promise ya now if you want I won’t breathe a word.
What do you think of me?
Am all mixed up but, but it’s a mix of …
Disgust …
Would you let me speak? It’s no at all disgust it’s a mix of amazement an. Christ. That’s what am feeling. Ah first ah thought it was … at first ah thought it was. It’s jealousness.
Jealous?
Fionnula nodded slow, looking at Kay. She suddenly goes, They didn’t, kind of, they didn’t cajole ya into it?
Kay smiled; not going to cry at all now, More like I coaxed them.
Fionnula swallowed, her heart was bammerin in her chest. Am burstin, comin wi me, we could, talk more in there?
No, I’ll watch the bags.
Right, right, okay. You will stay there, aye?
Kay gave her the frowny look an kind of laughed, Yes.
Fionnula stepped quick to the toilets, swayed a good bit an biffed the door, she checked the mirror an saw the nose shine but she’d left make-up in her bag so’s lifted a sleeve to it an her lips were jibberin, jibberin, Jesussussusus. Her hands were shaking as she hovered in the cubicle, then sudden, she paused, banged the door shut an slid the lock. When she’d finished she was somehow stood looked at herself in the mirror, adjusting her skirt tho she didn’t remember leaving the cubicle. She touched her face a few times but was shakin her head, shakin it side to side. She put her hand between her breasts on the blue shirt to feel her heart goin then she breathed out an tried a half-hearted smile. The sleeve fell down on one arm but she walked back through, no even bother pull it up.
She saw Kay kinda hunched on the stool, you could see the lovely suedey roundness of her arse an the tight calves going straight down to dear-looking leather shoes.
Aye, Fionnula nodded, daft-like, as if they’d just met in a pub back in the Port. A bit drunkly awkward she got back on her stool.
Kay. Am no going tell anyone but, with … with three of you there, was, sort ah, girl on girl stuff happenin too?
Course there was. Kay was smoking another.
Fionnula nodded, kept nodding way beyond reasonableness. Later she would realise it was so Kay wouldn’t see her shivering on her stool as downwards Fionnula’s stomach dived and simultaneous a jellyfish sting, right in her fanny, and up, in an awful wonder came its warm spreadingness. She noticed the ashtray had been emptied. That was a good barmaid, What’s it like? she heard her voice go.
It’s really good, Kay says in a way that sounded to Fionnula like she might be talking about a bowl of soup or a drink.
Fionnula says, almost angry, Ah’ve always wanted to try it.
Kay goes, Well Catriona is really … she’s got her belly button pierced …
Fionnula spoke over her, Ah’ve really wanted bad to try it but, in the Port y’know, like if you got found, like even snogging, a girl. Fionnula had to stop but in case Kay started again, she went on, An that’s why one of the things a feel is jealousness here cause, cause you’re no aye getting folk hanging round ya, like Manda an that, you have a bit of space an got away wi that scot-free but someone would be sure an clipe on me. Even, mind that time when Kylah had to pretend she’d got off wi a guy so she wanted a hickie?
Kay made a puzzled face.
No remember? She fiddled wi another cigarette, It was so as to go an put off this groaty guy that was asking her out, she was goan say a big Hiya to him wi this huge hickie on her neck; so in the book cupboard of Cyclops’s room ah volunteered an ah really gave her a big love bite, ah felt, ah was really turned on (she lowered her voice), wet an that, but Kylah juss laughed. It was a good love bite too! Ah mean ah was in Love wi Kylah for months after. It’s been really lonely at times for me.
Wow. An me thinking you were the least lonely girl in the world.
It’s just. Fionnula shook her head, Ah think ah like girls as much as boys. She paused a long time, Maybe more.
Try it then.
I’d like to.
But, I mean have you been feeling like that a while?
I’ve been feeling it for years now but it’s so, so confusing. I got off wi this guy once in France just cause he looked like a girl. And now, to find you’ve tried it am, we all, I was thinking you were such a quiet wee soul, but it’s like they say, quietest rivers run deep. Look, Kay, we didn’t really get on and that before, but you’ve told me something important to you and I’m blathered, am completely mashed, we both are so look, before I saw you up on the street there I was down the bottom. There’s a bar there, a place called Tarantula. Heard of it?
No.
It’s, lesbian an gay place. And it was Catriona mentioned it to me an now ah see why.
Catriona isn’t lesbian! Just that bit bi. Manda doesn’t have a clue, Catriona won’t tell her cause she knows Manda would freak out an she also knows what a bunch of gossips you all are. How was your bar then?
I was too scared to go in, ah was just shakin, feelin like a wee small town girl an it’s weird, ah come up here an meet you an … like it was getting bad. Look. Don’t start telling them, but sometimes ah would look at Kylah or Chell or Manda an I’d really want to start snogging them an there was this awful time, juss day before Orla was going to Lourdes an we were kissing each other bye just two of us and I really wanted to ram ma tongue down her throat an I couldn’t believe ah wanted that, ah mean she was ma friend and she was so awful awful poorly, but sex was still on ma mind an it made me feel so sick at maself. You can’t go on having sexual attraction for all your friends, it drives you mad an that’s why, ah’ve always known, soon as I’m out of Our Lady’s am away fro the Port an down here in a jiffy.
I’m not sure. I was really drunk that night and it just happened.
Would you do it again wi a girl?
Sure. Safer than boys. I would but I don’t think I’m lesbian, I like boys too. Cocks. The way they always say, in stories that it’ll be throbbing, but it isn’t at all. From the stories you think it’ll be like a wild hosepipe!
Fionnula laughed, Was that your first time? Iain?
No. Second, first was this great guy down in England, he was really good about it all an careful … Iain an Catriona, were kind of mad.
Can we have more gin and tonic? Kay smiled at the passing barmaid, Do you want one?
I’ve no more money.
Two gin and tonics.
You’ve had an awful lot to drink.
Fionnula and Kay smiled at the barmaid.
It’s a bit late now, went the barmaid, she began chopping a lemon, I guess you’ve both moved into Lunar Caustic.
Fionnula an Kay looked’t other, gave a weirdness nose wrinkle each.
Cheers.
Thank you very much indeed.
Kay there dished out another Brodick Castle purple sheet though the change musta been fair mounting up in her matching jacket pocket too.
The barmaid put down more change and gin, she only served wi bottled tonic, never asking.
Kay turned an smiled strange at Fionnula.
Fionnula went, Kay, ah, oh.
Kay’s fingers had sorta sprung out an Fionnula thought, They could do some beige varnish, but the glass went over, bounced an the g & t liquids fished out cross the bar surface, an the iceblocks slid on further cross the black wood while the glass bulb bounced without breaking an rolled in a semi-circle fore coming to a stop against the ashtray.
Fionnula had been so staring at the glass, didn’t see Kay’s head kinda go down, an one leg start to slide offof the stool then, all-a-sudden she canted sideyways an Fionnula was goin, Whoa!, an she was up, throwing arms round Kay so the palm of one hand came directly against the breast but Kay slid on past her, even a slim seventeen-year-old is heavy on the way down to tequila heaven, so Kay sorta kneeled as she fell an swung away round so her back banged gainst the bar, loose coins crashing out of pockets an she was sat facing the door. Fionnula was kneeled with her, panic and nervous laughter in her voice as she goes, Are ya okay, ya alright? An the flood of spilled gin had come back, an inundation of it was spattering down fro the bar edging, going all dark on Kay’s jacket, an Fionnula was doing little slaps on Kay’s sort of tanned-seeming face but her black eyes were gone beneath closed lids.
Kay KAY!! Cmon, wake up!
The barmaid appeared an kneeled down by them.
Um, hi. Ah think she’s kiddin on.
She’s not kidding. Not after my Bloody Mary. Ambulance.
Oh no you cannie, ah mean we need to be up at the conference centre at seven.
She’s not going anywhere, goes the barmaid, she was walked round the back, dialling up.
What’s happened? went an American accent.
They had eighteen tequilas, a lot of gin and a lot of Bloody Mary.
Yeah? Hey invite us when you go out next time!
Then Fionnula was gathering both their bags with one hand, the other stroking Kay’s forehead as she lay there, completely unconscious, a small smile on her lips.
